my new years resolution. + novel on my resolution theory, tangents included.
last year i officially picked up smoking again.
and not only did i pick it up, i chain smoked my way through 12 months of insanity with a vengeance.
as for this year i've decided i'm going to make a conscious effort to smoke more weed.
/begin rambling over analysis
yeah that's right.
and you can laugh, condescend, or roll your eyes.
your point of view is probably a fair few miles away from where i've found myself. that means we will differ. from where you sit it may appear one way but your scattered obstructed attention fails to win out on a 22 whole years front, center, and taking notes, if anyone knows me, it's me.(and yes my psychiatrist has and would again second this statement.)
see the mistake everyone makes is choosing resolutions that are closer to how they wish they wanted to be instead of choosing a resolution they completely and honestly want. oh you probably want to lose weight, but probably not enough to actually follow through with your actions until you have succeeded. you may want to quit ((fill in with anything vice like or society shunned)) but unless your entire foundation for wanting it is completely unshakable there is a pretty good chance your chosen vice will linger. personally i find failure to be extremely dissatisfactory.
the obvious solution is to either not bother with a resolution or, as i am doing yet again, make a resolution that you truly want to, and will keep regardless of what challenges doing so might involve. smoking this year has cost me plenty of money that i obviously don't have, increased my risk of all sorts of cancers and diseases, earned me plenty of self righteous stares and the oft heard sermon from strangers, and almost always being treated as a sub class member of society, not only smoking indoors is a monumental sin, these days even while outside we are herded and shoved into designated smoking areas. all that's left is loading the herd of us onto trains and carting us off to camps.
ok i get off track... point being:
plausibility does not necessitate probability.
and possibility is determined by true motivation.
if you really want it, you can really do it.
i don't like being stoned well enough to aspire to true stoner status.
i merely see that making a point to use it on a more semi regular basis would fulfill my seeming desire for both illegal activity and distorted reality without any health risks that i don't yet have. It does not fall under my personal preference for chemical satisfaction(i choose feeling awesome and being productive over feeling stupid and relaxing). I find it overrated but in the right setting it can be entertaining and a welcome change of pace on occasion, since stupidity can be amusing as an exception but is just depressing as a rule. Too frequent of use would completely oppose the lifestyle and regular state of being that makes me feel like myself. and as i have been realizing more than ever before, being myself, whoever i may determine that is each day, is what makes me content. fuck grasping for that idealized dream lying just out of reach.
appreciating reality as it happens < satisfaction you will never fully realize
oh i love tangents.
and yes i wrote this half stoned.
and even now
i still talk/think way too much.
if nothing else perhaps i can actually feel a bit more deserving of the awesomely ridiculous "stoner" label my moron of an employer has bestowed upon me.
and not only did i pick it up, i chain smoked my way through 12 months of insanity with a vengeance.
as for this year i've decided i'm going to make a conscious effort to smoke more weed.
/begin rambling over analysis
yeah that's right.
and you can laugh, condescend, or roll your eyes.
your point of view is probably a fair few miles away from where i've found myself. that means we will differ. from where you sit it may appear one way but your scattered obstructed attention fails to win out on a 22 whole years front, center, and taking notes, if anyone knows me, it's me.(and yes my psychiatrist has and would again second this statement.)
see the mistake everyone makes is choosing resolutions that are closer to how they wish they wanted to be instead of choosing a resolution they completely and honestly want. oh you probably want to lose weight, but probably not enough to actually follow through with your actions until you have succeeded. you may want to quit ((fill in with anything vice like or society shunned)) but unless your entire foundation for wanting it is completely unshakable there is a pretty good chance your chosen vice will linger. personally i find failure to be extremely dissatisfactory.
the obvious solution is to either not bother with a resolution or, as i am doing yet again, make a resolution that you truly want to, and will keep regardless of what challenges doing so might involve. smoking this year has cost me plenty of money that i obviously don't have, increased my risk of all sorts of cancers and diseases, earned me plenty of self righteous stares and the oft heard sermon from strangers, and almost always being treated as a sub class member of society, not only smoking indoors is a monumental sin, these days even while outside we are herded and shoved into designated smoking areas. all that's left is loading the herd of us onto trains and carting us off to camps.
ok i get off track... point being:
plausibility does not necessitate probability.
and possibility is determined by true motivation.
if you really want it, you can really do it.
i don't like being stoned well enough to aspire to true stoner status.
i merely see that making a point to use it on a more semi regular basis would fulfill my seeming desire for both illegal activity and distorted reality without any health risks that i don't yet have. It does not fall under my personal preference for chemical satisfaction(i choose feeling awesome and being productive over feeling stupid and relaxing). I find it overrated but in the right setting it can be entertaining and a welcome change of pace on occasion, since stupidity can be amusing as an exception but is just depressing as a rule. Too frequent of use would completely oppose the lifestyle and regular state of being that makes me feel like myself. and as i have been realizing more than ever before, being myself, whoever i may determine that is each day, is what makes me content. fuck grasping for that idealized dream lying just out of reach.
appreciating reality as it happens < satisfaction you will never fully realize
oh i love tangents.
and yes i wrote this half stoned.
and even now
i still talk/think way too much.
if nothing else perhaps i can actually feel a bit more deserving of the awesomely ridiculous "stoner" label my moron of an employer has bestowed upon me.