2007 Autumn Equinox Thoughts
The Autumn Equinox was of course (for the Southern Hemisphere) last Wednesday. It's taken me a while to to focus on stuff that's going on in my life, and what it all means, and with an input from an unexpected quarter (the photo at right is a hint).
Contemplation
I didn't do a contemplation for Lammas - there was too much confusion, too much lethargy, too much happening. At that time I felt without direction, and afterwards not much changed, except that things came to a head.
Despite my earlier ideas about letting the car go, I continued to use it after the registration had expired. Mostly, I drove it at night to go food shopping (because the bus service here stops after 6:30pm) for the "specials", or to take Kevin to Emergency, or myself to a train station so that I could go to Newcastle/Sydney and come back easily. In truth, it was just too easy to do, and I wasn't strong enough to say "no" even when when my intuition was telling me to stop using the car (or when I did, to only drive it so far).
I kept on telling myself it'd only be for a little while, until I could figure out a strategy for either replacing it, or coping. And inevitably, I got caught. For a week the poor car stood in the parking lot, bereft of plates, until I had the money to have it towed home. I got fines totalling $920 which I don't have. In a way I was relieved, because the matter was now out of my control, and that it didn't end in an accident hurting me or someone else. And it seems to me that I just need to accept those fines, paying them out in instalments.
But there were bigger issues for me around this. The last six months has been such a chaotic state for me, with new members of the household - a border (Kevin), Ebony (a cat), and Hallie (Kevin's new pup). Each has taken some adjusting. And the biggest chance has been going from a focus on study (my Honours finished) to... ...a focus on what?
I put my name down for assistance in finding work, even though my heart wasn't in it that much. The bottom line is not having enough money. That's why I couldn't get my car fixed or replaced, why the gutters are rusting away, and why last night Kevin was shocked by the faulty electrical stove top(!) - I just haven't had the money to replace things as they break down. But it's odd - I have an employment agency working for me in finding a job - once my resume was complete, they applied via e-mail on my behalf for a job. I got a confirmation of that application, and later an "application unsuccessful" statement, all by e-mail (huh?)!
It's been difficult since my car use caught up with me, to have any form of confidence in myself. I just couldn't stop, and I just wouldn't listen to my inner feelings that it was all wrong. I guess "beating oneself up" comes with low self esteem and depression - territory I know all too well. And yet...
...and yet I think that a lot of this comes from my not taking the time to take things "at my own speed". I was learning to do that last year, and was approaching a certain degree of tranquillity in doing do. That all got swept away towards the end of last year. It doesn't mean that I can't get it back though.
Questions
Today seems the right sort of day for me to write this. Earlier today I watched an episode of third season Babylon 5 called Z'ha'dum and unusually the themes (especially when I watched it again with the creator's commentary) seem to match into the issues I had, and oddly enough, one of the source books I use for these contemplations (Wheel of the Year by Teresa Moorey & Jane Brideson).
The framework for that TV series episode is a war between two alien factions - Vorlons and "Shadows" - both elder races who interfere and influence younger species in the galaxy.
The thing is this - each asks the others that they meet a question. The Shadows (or rather their representatives) ask a person "What do you want?" (a game of which I played with people a while ago), whereas the Vorlons will ask "Who are you?", and therein lies the difference. See, Lammas is all about disturbance, mystery, major changes, dreaming and planning, deciding, and exploring one's inner self. And there's the difference between the two attitudes in life.
The "What do you want?" question focusses on defining oneself by one's desires, by external stuff that may or may not be necessary, but which engages one's ego directly. The other question, "Who are You?" then becomes altered and affected by that. And desires and wants (which seem like less urgent or defined desires) change all the time. I want my bills paid on time; I want a new car and the money to afford it; I want life to be easy. All very well, but there's never any guarantee that those wants can be met, or is going to be fulfilling when they are met.
There's a difference between "wants" and "needs", and it's easy to forget that. The "Who are you?" question is a harder one to answer, which is why "What do you want?" tends to dominate. If you know who you are, and what you need to do, then what you want want becomes less confusing. And I've been really confused for a while.
This time last year I was just returning from a religious festival in Palenville, upper state New York. My participation in that festival helped defined who I am. But in the intervening months it was hard to maintain that focus. My Trans Tarot Deck project kept me focussed for a time, but the first part of that (completion) is finished, and the second part (more exhibitions + card versions of the deck) are yet to be visualised or realised. That left me at a terrible loose end.
So really I need to re-examine just who I am, because once I do that all else will follow. Got to be clear about that. Who I am isn't the negative of who I'm not. It has to be a positive, coming from ideas and values I care about in myself. That'll take some work I guess, though anything worth doing takes effort of some kind.
G'Kar
The end quote in the B5 episode also resonated in me (similar to message that comes with Kiki's Delivery Service):
'There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.'
So, time to get out of my comfort zone, and get moving again.
Hmmm, I get inspiration in the funniest places!
