Underneath a Stretching Skyline verse #10:Dreams Become Wishes That Will Vanish Into Prayers…(Part1)
Title: Dreams Become Wishes That Will Vanish Into Prayers… (Part 1), verse #10
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: H/C, Angst, Family, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, Lucifer
Word count: +/- 8,200
Warnings: Some cussing, alcohol abuse, gratuitous cruelty, moderate to high levels of angst
Summary: Sam has a reason to go on a drinking spree and then one to stop short. He goes into withdrawal, or so he thinks.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
A/N 2: This one will have a part 2 which will most likely be the next verse.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
This was a particularly bad week. Sam had been okay for a while, excelling in pushing the devil away every time the bastard tried to pry into his business. This had given him confidence. Maybe he would finally be able to get rid of Lucifer. Maybe his marbles were finally back together. And while he thought things were finally turning okay, the other shoe dropped. When didn’t it?
‘Heya Sammy! D’ you miss me?’ Lucifer cackled.
Sam pretended to ignore him and focused on Dean’s back. They were pacing a dark alley in search of a shape shifter. Sam had his silver knife out and ready. Lucifer was bouncing to his side, a mischievous grin plastered to his face.
‘Aw come on! The cold shoulder again? I thought we were past that point!’ the devil yammered.
Sam cast him a quick sideways glance before moving closer to his brother.
“Dean, are we getting closer?” he asked, trying to drown the whining that rose from the pestering fallen angel.
‘Pleeeeeeease Sam, don’t ignore me!’
Sam rolled his eyes and breathed deeply to calm his nerves.
“The entrance to his hideout should be somewhere around here” Dean announced, oblivious to Sam’s torment. The youngest closed his eyes and sighed. The faster he’d have something to launch at, the better things would be for him.
‘You can’t fool me, you know’ Lucifer started, a dauntless smile on his face. Sam froze and a chill coursed through his long limbs.
‘Sorry to disappoint… I know you thought you were getting better’ the angel continued. Sam’s eyes widened.
“What?” he stuttered softly. Dean turned to face his brother with a surprised look.
“I didn’t say anything” he assured. But Sam wasn’t looking at him. Dread filled the pit of his stomach. It felt heavy like concrete because it came to his knowledge that his brother wasn’t actually speaking to him.
“Sam?”
Lucifer’s smile widened.
‘I just gave you a little respite for the last few weeks. Don’t say I never gave you anything’ he granted, pointing a finger at Sam. The latter shivered violently. Seeing the boy’s dumbstruck expression, Lucifer shrugged his shoulders, arms opened on both sides.
‘What can I say? We’re buddies after all. You needed me to lay off so I did. But I’m serious when I say that I missed you’ the archangel announced with puckered lips.
Sam wanted to hurl.
‘We’re going to have all kinds of fun now’ Lucifer chimed.
Sam jumped off the ground when a hand brushed against his shoulder. He turned in time to see a pair of worried eyes. Behind them, Dean stood with a haunted look.
“You okay?”
Sam swallowed many times, his eyes still wide. Dean studied his brother for incredibly long seconds.
“Sam?”
Concern leaked from his voice. Somehow, it reached Sam and pulled him back to the surface.
“Dean” he replied, his voice hollow. His eyes were still wary. The eldest wondered if his brother even acknowledged that he was real.
“Don’t pay attention to him” he instructed.
Sam looked at an empty spot and then back at him.
“Kinda hard not to” he admitted, his voice hardly above a whisper. Lucifer chirped at that. Sam turned his head in the angel’s direction and glared at him.
The latter shrugged with an amused smile.
“Hey!” Dean forced, turning Sam’s head and cupping both his cheeks so that the youngest would look at him.
“I’m here. You know he’s not real. Focus here, Sam. He’s just messing with your head. Be stronger than him! I know you can”
Sam nodded reluctantly.
“Alright, come on”
With Dean’s constant watch, they managed to find the shifter and kill it. Their victory was short lived when Dean announced that they were done for the night and had to find a motel to crash. The eldest really was tired, but his true intention was to get his brother someplace safe where he didn’t have to worry about Sam losing it and someone else using it against them. He couldn’t stand to let anything hurt his brother.
Dean turned the light on inside the room and studied the place with a furtive glance.
“Looks cozy enough. I’m so ready to hit the sack anyway” he admitted.
Sam looked at him sadly. Lucifer was sitting on the furthest bed, his back resting against the headrest and his arms gently propped behind his head. Something told him that he wouldn’t get much rest that night. He watched as Dean crashed on his bed and breathed deeply. He figured he’d have to find something to keep himself busy.
“Sam, you okay?” Dean suddenly asked, his voice muffled from fatigue.
“Yeah. M’ fine” the youngest lied. Dean closed his eyes.
“Kay. ‘night”
And with that he was asleep. Sam sighed and stared at Lucifer whom had watched the whole scene from his spot.
‘You know that’s not going to happen for you, right’
Sam bowed his head sadly. When Lucifer decided to keep him up at night, there wasn’t much he could do against it. He rubbed his forehead in defeat.
‘It’s not that bad. I’m good company!’ Lucifer chimed.
Sam looked at him accusingly before settling down with his laptop. If he couldn’t sleep, he could at least find something useful to do. Maybe he could try to track Leviathan activity.
‘Hey! It’s true! I’m a man of many talents! I can sing!’
Sam’s face twisted into something that resembled terror and disgust. “Please don’t” he begged coldly. Lucifer took it as a cue and smiled.
‘Because in my dream it's always there the evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair’ Lucifer sang. He ended on a loud and high pitched scream that had Sam jumping off his chair and cursing at the devil’s choice of music. Just when he thought he couldn’t hate it more…
Lucifer kept on singing and screeching and Sam had to lay his arms over his head to keep his ears from bleeding, but also himself from throwing his computer across the room. The number of the beast? That one surely is quite a number!
“For fuck’s sake, just tune it down!” Sam finally pleaded. To honor his wishes, Lucifer increased his volume another couple of decibels.
Sam hopped off his chair and started to fumble through his caches. Since Dean didn’t really like to see him drink, he’d taken a habit of hiding his stash. He’d found a subtle trick to avoid his brother’s scrutiny. He would use a coffee container instead of a flask. Dean had complained about his coffee consumption, oblivious to the fact that it wasn’t really caffeine Sam was juicing up on.
He started chugging the liquor. It burned its way down his throat and left a feeling of fire in his chest. He looked back to his bed and saw that Lucifer was now playing with his knife. He hiccupped silently and blinked at the scene. A comforting tingling filled his body.
‘Are you feeling better now? Because I am! And I’m just getting started’
Sam’s brow folded in despair. The content of the coffee cup clearly wasn’t enough and he went for the whole bottle. He decided to try to down it in one go, but after a few gulps his throat started to rebel. He almost spat out the liquid, but fought to keep it in. There was no use in wasting. He mustered up all his remaining strength and emptied the bottle.
Lucifer looked at him with a lopsided smirk.
‘You think that’s gonna make me leave?’
Sam’s eyes watered from the burning sensation in his body.
“No” he finally slurred. Lucifer looked satisfied with that reflection.
“But it might make your jokes funnier” Sam mumbled, his brain already starting to fog.
‘My jokes are amazing’ the fallen angel replied hurtfully.
Sam shrugged and dragged his heavy feet towards the bed. His legs felt wobbly. He let himself fall on the bed and cradled the pillow to his face.
‘You don’t think I’m gonna let you sleep, do you?’
“Shuddup” Sam growled. His eyes were already closed. His breathing deepened considerably. He felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress. Lucifer wouldn’t even be able to rouse him.
He woke up the next morning feeling groggy and terrible. Lucifer was standing by the bed and singing him a good morning. Sam grabbed his pounding head with a shaky hand. He always felt crappy whenever he’d abused the good stuff. But it was worth it when he managed to get some sleep.
‘You must have a lovely headache. Let me sing just a little louder then’
And the devil did. Sam flinched and wrapped the pillow around his ears. Dean was nowhere to be seen and Sam figured his brother had gone out for food. Thankful for the fact that he was on his own, he pulled out his rescue flask and took a couple of shots. He’d have to replenish his supplies soon. The rate at which his bottles descended warranted frequent trips to the liquor store.
Quickly enough, the sick feeling passed. It was replaced by the dull numbness the alcohol provided. It didn’t make Lucifer go away but it made him bearable.
When Dean came back, he noticed the stench of alcohol. He didn’t comment on it though. At least not directly.
“That bad, uh?” he finally dared ask.
Sam didn’t look up, but Dean could tell his brother had heard him alright.
“Yeah… he won’t go” Sam finally admitted.
Dean breathed deeply in order to keep tears from pooling into his sad eyes.
“I’m sorry”
“Dean… don’t”
“I can’t help”
Sam knew it was true and he felt sorry for his brother. Dean really did look helpless.
“It’s the consequences of putting my soul back in. It had to happen, Dean”
There was something that hurt Dean more than his brother’s words. It was the way Sam looked. His brother was accepting all of it. He did deem himself worthy of what was dooming on him.
“Are you giving up?”
Sam shrugged dolefully.
“Sam?” Dean insisted. He didn’t like the direction the conversation was taking.
“Not yet. But it’s going to get worse Dean. You have to know that. I’m not going to get better” Sam replied.
‘At least you got that right’ Lucifer butted in.
Sam flicked him off with a finger. Dean noticed the gesture and repressed a huff.
“I’m sorry” Dean repeated. Sam had heard that too many times already.
“It’s okay, Dean. I’ve made up my mind. Besides, I’m too fucking tired to care”
It was like a knife had gone through his flesh and ripped his lungs open. His own fears of Sam’s wall breaking down and his brother being hurt beyond repair was enough to pain him. But it was nothing compared to the agony he felt upon hearing that Sam too deemed himself broken beyond repair.
“So what? Are you going to sit there and wait til you die?” Dean blurted out, anger pouring out of him.
“Even if I keep going, it’s not going to hold it off”
Dean’s fists clenched.
“Well, I’m not going to let that happen!” he promised. Sam shook his head despondently.
“I’m not exactly giving you a choice here. I’m not letting you die, Sam” Dean added adamantly.
“Can’t wait to see that” Sam mumbled.
Dean let the matter drop and pulled out the food he’d just brought back. They ate in silence. Actually, Dean ate and Sam picked at his food. The eldest knew better than to pick a fight so he let it go this time.
They did that for days. Sam would just drink himself into oblivion, only to wake up and start all over again. Dean was desperate, but nothing he did reached out to his brother. Sam brushed him off and chose the bottle over him. At some point, he was too drunk to even hide anymore. Dean had tried hiding his booze, but Sam only lashed out at him. At some point Dean snapped.
“Fine! You wanna drink yourself to death? Knock yourself out, you idiot! I don’t give a fuck anymore! I’ve tried but you just won’t let me in. Don’t count on me to rock you to sleep, man. I’m done!”
With that, Dean stormed out of the room they were staying in. Sam stared at the closed door for hours, letting himself fall to the floor. He cradled his own body which was afflicted by racking tremors.
‘Aw, Dean doesn’t love you anymore’ Lucifer taunted.
And for once Sam didn’t argue. He could understand why too. All Dean had done was try to help and Sam had pushed him away every single time. He didn’t deserve to be cared for. But Dean, he deserved better. His brother didn’t deserve a loser like himself. So maybe if something happened to him, Dean would be happier.
When Dean came back, he reeked of cigarettes and booze. He was obviously drunk from the way he swayed. Sam couldn’t blame him. When Dean tripped, something made him reach his brother’s side and help him. Dean jerked away at first, but soon let his brother help him up and to his bed.
“Boots” Sam mumbled. He was just as drunk as Dean was after all, but after days of training, he was handling himself better.
Dean lifted his leg as far as it would go and Sam took off the first boot. He motioned for the second leg and his big brother made a last big effort. Sam helped his brother out of his coat next. Dean helped as much as he could without keeling over and vomiting.
“Doin’ good” Sam whispered.
Dean slipped out of his jeans and let himself slump against his pillow. Sam tucked the covers around his brother’s body. The eldest shivered.
“You gonna be sick?” Sam asked, recognizing the signs. Dean didn’t even need to reply. The youngest pushed the trash can under his nose and Dean expelled his stomach’s content. Sam scrunched up his nose at the scent.
‘He’s sick of you, that’s the truth’ Lucifer suggested. Sam closed his eyes. He didn’t have the heart to say the opposite.
“Better?” he asked when Dean was done heaving.
“mmHmm” Dean groaned.
Sam nodded and dropped the can next to the bed. At least Dean would have it nearby just in case.
The eldest closed his eyes and he was snoring within seconds. Sam pulled a chair by the bed and sat down quietly. For once, if Lucifer wanted to keep him up, he wouldn’t argue.
‘You’re still going to watch out for him?’ Lucifer asked in disbelief.
“He’s my brother” Sam replied dully as if it justified everything.
‘Want me to keep you awake?’
Sam shrugged. He wasn’t going to sleep anyway. Instead, he kept an eye on his brother while Lucifer sang a terribly off-key version of Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train.
When Dean woke up the next morning, he was greeted with a glass of water and painkillers.
“Thank you” he mumbled, sleep still fogging his voice. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes after swallowing the pills. His hangover was bad and he could only assume that he’d abused again. Even though he didn’t remember the last moments clearly, he hadn’t forgotten about what happened before he left for the bar and decided to get shitfaced.
“’bout what I said the other night” he started but Sam cut him off immediately.
“Don’t. I deserved it. I’ve been an ass. You were trying to help. I’m sorry” Sam said all at once. Dean was taken aback and blinked several times.
“Uh okay” he finally replied because it was the only thing that came to his mind.
“You want some breakfast? I got you a greasy burrito, the way you love ‘em”
Dean studied his brother intensely. What had caused the sudden mood change, he didn’t know. But Sam was clean and he looked sober. That’s two things he hadn’t been in days.
“’d you get yourself anything?” he asked, suddenly searching for his brother’s breakfast.
“I ate it already. I’m fine”
Dean frowned. Sam didn’t look like he had eaten much. Actually, his brother hadn’t exactly been eating in days. But if Sam said he was okay, he would just have to trust him. He ate his breakfast in silence and he secretly had to admit that it felt nice to have Sam take care of him for once. It did make him feel guilty for the harsh words that he’d thrown at his brother, but Sam didn’t seem upset about it. After all, Dean sometimes said things that were beyond his true beliefs.
Sam had searched the papers from headlines to small announcements when Dean finished his meal.
“You find anything?”
Sam looked up from the papers to stare at his brother. He looked surprised that Dean would even ask him about it.
“Uh no. Nothing supernatural in there” he admitted sadly.
Dean nodded. “Okay. You check the net?”
“Yeah, all night. Didn’t find anything”
At hearing the last words his brother had spoken, something came to Dean’s attention. He frowned.
“Wait. Did you get any sleep at all?”
His little brother gave him a look that said it all. He couldn’t believe how much his brother could actually say without even speaking. He sighed.
“Before you say anything, I’m fine Dean” Sam assured. Dean shrugged.
“Whatever. You wouldn’t want my help anyway”
Sam bowed his head to hide the hurt that he assumed would be shining in his eyes. He wouldn’t let his brother see that. As much as it annoyed him when Dean cared too much, it annoyed him more when his brother didn’t.
“So what do we do?” Sam asked softly, trying to change the subject. Dean shrugged and sunk farther into his chair.
“Keep looking” he finally said. He didn’t miss the look of pain that crossed his brother’s eyes. He knew Sam had been doing that all night, but with the Leviathans running amok, they couldn’t consider loosening on the case.
“Alright” Sam replied sullenly. He repositioned himself in his chair and prepared for what would be a long and exhausting day. He started searching when his head spun. He blinked to chase the haze away, but it only made his head spin more. He tried to take a straight position, but everything started to waltz in his line of vision.
“Whoa” he murmured softly. His head still didn’t feel any better. Dean had gone out, pretending he would be trying to find intel for a hunt. Sam was just hoping that his brother wasn’t getting his ‘intel’ directly into the mouth of a bartender or any random chick that would fall for his brother’s Winchester charms.
He rolled his eyes at the thought and regretted it immediately when his stomach rolled with them. He felt a lump coming up his throat and darted for the bathroom just in time. As he heaved, he cursed himself for feeling so dizzy and sick.
‘Where’s that brother of yours when you need him?’ Lucifer jeered.
Sam gripped the porcelain tighter as another wave of nausea hit him.
“Just go away. Leave me the fuck alone”
‘But apparently I’m the only one who wants to stick with you right now’ the angel scoffed.
“Get lost! I’d rather be alone” Sam growled.
The fallen angel pouted his way out of the bathroom.
‘Wouldn’t tell Dean I’m detoxing if I were you. It would bring back too many great memories’
Sam let the words ring in his head. He had made a decision upon seeing his brother come home drunk on the last night. That bout of drinking had been put to the side and he would try to keep it that way for a while. He just hadn’t expected withdrawal to hit so quickly. And Lucifer reminding him about it didn’t help the matter.
He pulled himself together and splashed cold water on his pale face when he heard the noise from the front door. Dean was back. He looked at himself for a moment longer. Something struck him but it didn’t make too much sense just yet. If he was detoxing then why weren’t his hands shaking? Maybe he was just lucky this time.
He came out of the bathroom and faked a smile to keep up appearances.
“You okay?” Dean asked immediately. Sam wondered if his brother would ever quit asking him that at every turn.
“Yeah. Just tired. I’m still not finding anything” he admitted. Most of it was true although he didn’t let on just how excruciatingly tired he was.
“Alright. Let’s get moving then. Time’s a wastin’” Dean proposed.
The youngest didn’t exactly feel up to par but his brother didn’t need to know that. It would only add more frustrations to their already tensed relationship.
They packed and hit the road. Sam was fast asleep in the passenger seat. After all, he had stayed up all night. Dean allowed his brother some resting time. He’d only call for his copilot when he’d feel like he could trust him enough to not get the both of them lost.
The car stopped at some point and Sam couldn’t tell how long he’d been asleep when he stirred awake. The one thing he was aware of was the cotton like feeling in his mouth and the fact that he was thirsty. A tapping sound on the window made him look up and his eyes crossed his brother’s.
The first thing Sam noticed after that was that it was dark outside. He’d obviously been out for longer than he thought. The second thing he saw was the key chain Dean had around his finger. They were in a motel parking lot. So his brother had decided to stop already?
Sam fumbled for the handle and slowly pulled the car door open. His arm felt heavy and he thought he’d need an incredible amount of strength to keep up the pushing. Dean was waiting for him outside, the duffels already hanging around his shoulders.
“C’mon princess, we don’t have all day” Dean pressed. Sam rolled his eyes and for a moment, his lids felt heavy. He just wanted to keep his eyes closed for a while longer. The darkness was strangely appealing.
“Sam? You comin’? I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving!”
For a second, he wondered about his own stomach. He couldn’t even remember when was the last time that he had something to eat, but the only thought of it made him feel sick.
“Comin’” he finally mumbled, trying to work his long tangled legs. He was slower than usual and every movement made his joints feel stiff.
“Dude, the old lady from the lobby could have made it here and back in less time than it’s taking you to get your sorry ass up right now” Dean teased. Sam’s heart wasn’t into the jokes. Actually, when he thought about it he realized his heart was beating pretty damn fast for the little exercise he was trying so hard to achieve.
“Don’t wait up. I’ll be inside in a minute” Sam finally conceded. Dean frowned.
“So you can booze up while I’m not looking” he accused with a sad look in his eyes. Sam felt a stab of pain at his brother’s lack of trust. But he could only tell himself that he had deserved it. He hadn’t exactly given his brother a reason to trust him in the past few days.
Silence fell upon them. Dean felt uncomfortable so he decided to heed his brother’s demand and walked inside. He had noticed the pallor of his brother’s face or the way his movements were sluggish as if his brother were in pain. Still, every time he’d tried to help in the past days - hell the past months - his brother had bitten his head off for being too nosy. If something was up with Sam, he’d have to trust that his little brother would come to him and tell him about it. But he knew deep down that Sam wasn’t one to ask for help.
Sam lingered in the passenger seat for a while longer. Everything in him hurt. His stomach was cramping and his head was swimming. The cold concrete glistened from the lights that were casting a light too bright for his tired eyes. He squinted while wrapping an arm around his middle.
It took a herculean effort just to pull himself up and when he did, his vision swam out of focus. As he lost his footing, he felt something short of a whirlwind in his stomach. He fell to his knees and held his palms up to hold the upper part of his body in an attempt to keep from falling to his face. There was a jagged burning sensation in his hands and he assumed he’d ripped his skin on a few rocks.
Before he could process anything else, the very meager content of his stomach made its way out. He could only gag on the acrid taste of bile. It lasted for too long and hurt too much before he could pull himself up again.
‘He’s going to think that you have been drinking, you know. How much more pathetic can you be to him?’
Sam traced the voice with tired eyes and saw the mockingly comforting look on Lucifer’s face. He didn’t even have the strength to fight back. Instead, he pushed his way past the fallen angel and stumbled inside the motel room.
Dean was already setting the salt lines and getting comfortable. He studied his brother’s unsteady gait for a moment. Sam didn’t pay him any attention. He dropped his duffel by the bed closest to the door.
“Took you long enough” Dean pointed out. Lucifer was standing behind the eldest Winchester and stared at Sam with a satisfied smirk.
‘It’s because you were busy puking your guts out while big brother here was getting comfy. Why do you even let him talk to you like that?’. His face was mocking sympathy. Sam shivered. He extended his fingers until they brushed against the comforter. He swayed his way to the edge of the bed and let his weight fall down on it. His head didn’t stop spinning, but at least he was on steady grounds.
“So what is this? Another drunken night? Oh but why do I complain… it’s been - how many nights has it been?” Dean asked, squinting at the effort to remember when was the last time his brother hadn’t been drunk.
“Shut up Dean” Sam growled. His voice was low but the order was clear.
‘Ow, now it’s getting interesting! What does a guy have to do to get some popcorn around here, anyway?’ Lucifer bemocked, crossing his arms and letting a wide smile spread across his face. Sam ignored him completely. He ran his fingers against his temples and frowned.
“I think I need some fresh air” Dean announced. He didn’t miss the expression on his brother’s face. Was that panic? Out of anger, he shrugged it off and grabbed his jacket.
“Don’t wait up” he added before slamming the door behind him.
The youngest stared at the door for a while. It was the second time that he was left staring as his brother walked out on him. Only this time, something felt wrong about it. With the way he was feeling, he would have hoped for a big brother to look after him. He assumed he would have to take care of it by himself.
His abdomen was still utterly painful. He hissed and squeezed his eyes shut when he tried to move and it only jarred at his painful muscles. Withdrawal was a bitch indeed. And he could have used a brother. But in the mean time, Dean didn’t have to know because it would make it all true. He was an addict. And now his poison was making him sick. He sighed and realized how dry his mouth felt.
‘Really, you’re just going to sit there and say nothing? You spend the whole night up to watch out for your brother and when you’re sick he’s out the door within seconds?’ Lucifer wondered. Pretending he cared just made Sam’s heart beat faster in pain. The devil cared about him when his brother didn’t. How messed up was that?
“He thinks I’m drunk” Sam droned. His eyes watered.
‘Whose fault is that?’
Sam nodded. “I know” he replied. It’s mine. “It’s why I deserve all of this” he added, his voice cracking.
‘Aw, you’re gonna make me cry’ the archangel mocked. Sam glared at him before focusing back on the open bathroom door. He was thirsty and decided to try to make his way over to the sink. It was more difficult than he would have expected. He had a hard time walking straight and his vision kept swimming in and out of focus. He finally made it to the faucet and turned the cold water on.
He let it run just because the sound it made lulled him and suddenly made him really sleepy. Regaining his composure, he grabbed a cup from the counter and filled it with water that he intended to drink. He swallowed the liquid and splashed some of it on his face and into his hair.
As soon as he felt the cold water settle down his throat, he felt it come back up again. His eyes widened in surprise and he was on his knees before he knew what hit him. The heaving was painful and left him drained of energy. The chilly tiles suddenly appeared very appealing and he wondered if a nap would make him feel better. It couldn’t hurt him more than the pain he was already in. He let his weight slump against the floor and the rocking waves that hit his body lulled him into the darkness.
SNSN
Dean hadn’t gone very far. As soon as he had left the motel room, his anger had vanished to be replaced with a strong feeling of shame. His brother had taken care of him even after he had flicked him off and what did he do to repay him? He snapped at him again. It was nothing new that Sam was drinking his problems away. Why did it suddenly matter so much? The kid hadn’t even scowled at him for doing the same thing. No, Sam had stayed up all night to make sure he was okay. What kind of horrible brother was he?
And it’s not like he had left Sam in the best of shapes either. His brother had been pale and shaky when he left him wide eyed in the motel room. When he thought about it, Sam had looked like hell for the whole day. His brother had slept his way through the ride. At first he thought it wasn’t unusual since Sam had been up all night. But now that he thought about it, his brother hardly ever slept that much even if he’d been up for three days in a row.
There was one more thing. Lucifer. Sam hadn’t spoken too much about it, but Dean knew that the devil hadn’t been tormenting his brother for weeks. Why was he back in the picture all of a sudden?
Something wasn’t right. He felt guilty and crappy for leaving Sam and his concern only grew when he thought about how quiet and pained Sam looked. It was the memory of Sam’s panicked look that made him stomp on the brakes and race back to the motel.
That was it. Sam had looked panicked when he said he was leaving. As if his brother had been scared that something would happen to him if Dean didn’t stay. Without hesitating, Dean pushed his weight against the accelerator.
What he saw when he opened the door froze the blood pumping through his veins. The room was empty except for the hue that cast out from the bathroom door.
“Sam?”
He moved closer to the bathroom. He could swear he felt his heart stop. Sam was sprawled out on the floor. He was pale and mostly out.
“Sammy!”
He fell to his brother’s side and scrunched his nose against the acrid smell that filled the bathroom. Vomit? Dean looked all around for anything short of a bottle of liquor but he found nothing. He started running conditions in his head. Alcohol poisoning? It would make sense but then there would be alcohol somewhere. Unless Sam had hidden it. But then, if his brother was drunk enough to pass out, would he have been able to think of hiding his bottles?
“Sammy!” Dean repeated, shaking his brother’s shoulder. Relief exploded in his chest when he saw his brother’s eyes fluttering open.
“Fuck, Sam! Are you okay?” he asked, trying to help his brother up. Sam was rigid and tried to pull out of his brother’s grasp. He was in too much pain to be moved that quickly.
“Hurts, D…” he mumbled, closing his eyes against the lights that were too bright.
“What? Where?”
Sam’s eyes were misty and strangely unfocused. It’s only then that Dean realized how fast Sam’s breathing was.
“Calm down, Sammy. I’m gonna take care of you. I need you to tell me where it hurts”
Dean was already triaging his brother, searching for injuries or anything else he would’ve missed. Sam was still looking at him and for a second, Dean wondered if his brother was searching for his words or his air.
“Sam?” he pressed, needing his brother to know that he was there and that he was taking care of the situation.
Instead of answering with words, Sam wrapped his arms around his middle and Dean understood.
“Your stomach? Are you nauseous? Like stomach flu nauseous?”
Sam shook his head. He was almost gasping for breath.
“Worse…” he breathed out. Dean nodded quickly, unsure of what to do.
“How ‘bout some water? You want some water?” he proposed. Sam shook his head vigorously which scared Dean even more.
“No… no water… puked it”
Dean looked at the commode with a frown and then back at his panicked brother. Sam didn’t look like he was getting better and his brother was starting to fidget.
“But you need to drink something or you’ll get dehydrated” he stated. Sam looked even more agitated and his eyes were wild.
“No drinking… no eating…” he warned. And that’s when something clicked inside Dean’s head.
“Sam? When’s the last time you ate or drank anything besides alcohol?”
Sam’s eyes widened and then squeezed shut. Tears escaped through his closed lashes. He’d barely eaten in days and his last binge of drinking had been over a day ago. He hadn’t had anything else ever since.
“Not drunk…” he finally said in between gasps. Dean’s brow knit.
“What?”
“Withdrawal” Sam admitted painfully, closing his eyes again as more tears rolled down his cheeks. Dean’s eyes widened as he recognized things for what they were. Sam wasn’t drunk. It was the complete opposite. He had stopped drinking after his own episode at the bar which got Sam to take care of him. But stopping short had brought on withdrawal symptoms. So his brother was an addict all over again.
There was something close to despair in Dean’s eyes. Maybe it’s how Sam chose to see it. Either way, his heart sank at the dark emotion that filled his big brother’s eyes. He hadn’t expected to get this sick and if he could have avoided telling his brother, he would’ve.
“I’m sorry” Sam whimpered. He felt like a failure and Dean probably thought the same thing about him. Maybe he didn’t deserve to pull through after all. But he felt Dean’s comforting hand on his cheek. When he looked up, his brother looked hopeful.
“Let’s get you through this” he proposed. As the words left his brother’s mouth, a strange feeling crept its way inside of him. It started out as a tingling sensation that moved throughout his body. Then the tingling started to feel more like little shocks where driven to his system.
“Dean” he choked out, his voice catching in his throat. Before Dean could reply anything, Sam’s eyes rolled back and his whole body went rigid.
“Fuck. Fuck! Sam!” he cried out as he stared helplessly while his brother’s body jerked against his. Dean had the reflex to remove his jacket and slide it under Sam’s head so there would be something soft to protect it. The seizure went on and Dean felt desperation increase after each passing second.
The convulsions finally stopped. A breath of relief escaped Dean’s lips before he could stop it.
“Sammy” he started, immediately reaching for his brother to reassure himself.
“You with me?” he asked tentatively. He wasn’t expecting an answer but he remained hopeful. Surely enough, his brother didn’t even stir.
“Sam” Dean tried again, shaking his brother gently. Sam was pale and still. Dean studied him for a second, his own heart trying to burst out of his chest. He couldn’t lose his brother now. Not after everything.
“Come on, damn it!” he pleaded, placing his palm flat on his brother’s chest. He felt for a heartbeat. Sam’s heart was beating fast. Wait. It was beating fast. That’s when something else registered to Dean’s mind. Not only was his brother breathing quickly but his breaths were also deep.
“This is so so wrong” Dean noted as he bent to put his ear closer to his brother’s mouth. Instead of noticing the gasps, which he did, but they suddenly didn’t matter as much as the funny smell on his brother’s breath.
“Okay something’s up. I’m calling for help” Dean announced as he dialed the emergency number. Sam didn’t so much as blink.
The rest was a blur to Dean. The paramedics arrived and pushed him aside, assuring him that they would take care of his brother. He knew it was bad. Sam was still unconscious after all. But they had been through all kinds of bad. Sam had gone through demon blood detox after all. Twice. But something in Dean was telling him that he had made the right call.
It was confirmed when he heard one of the paramedics yell about something that strangely sounded like respiratory distress and protect his airway. His eyes widened in shock when they pulled out a set of tubes and settled on pushing one down his brother throat. Fuck Sam.
He blinked through the rest of the intervention. There was an IV and a cardiac monitor and they were saying things but they didn’t make sense to him. Tachycardic and hypotensive weren’t part of his vocabulary. He also heard medication names like nalaxone and thiamine. Whatever the fuck they were for, he only prayed that they would make his brother better.
It was only when they reached the hospital that Dean started to feel some kind of relief. He absentmindedly rubbed his brother’s hand with his thumb. “We’re here, Sammy. They’re going to fix you” he whispered, his gaze fixated on the digits flashing on the monitors. It was better than to look at his brother’s lax face.
Then there was the waiting room and Dean lost himself in his thoughts. At some point he must have called Bobby too, but he was too baffled by what he had witnessed to even remember what he had said. It’s only when the doctor finally came out to talk to him that he felt like he could breathe again. The news weren’t good but at least his brother was alive.
“Alcoholic ketoacidosis. Caused the abdominal pain, lightheadedness and nausea and vomiting. In short, Sam’s blood sugar levels dropped because of his massive alcohol consumption, which caused his body to start feeding on fat cells for energy. It caused a buildup of acid in his blood on top of the malnutrition and dehydration. He’s lucky you caught up on it quickly. He should recover without further complications” the doctor explained.
Dean swallowed the news like a brick. It didn’t exactly go down smoothly.
“I knew he was drinking, but I didn’t know it was that bad” he admitted, feeling like he had failed his brother. He had let it go because Sam wanted it and also because his brother was already hurting. It’s not like he had the right to preach either. He wasn’t exactly a saint himself. And Sam’s demons weren’t too different from his own.
“Many alcoholics won’t admit that they have a problem until their health starts deteriorating. He’s fine for now and we do have him on fluids for the moment. We want to make sure he’s hydrated and nourished when he steps out of here. As for that, we wanted to inform you that we’d like to keep him for a few days. It’s so that we can make sure his fluids are balanced, but also to treat further withdrawal symptoms”
Dean nodded, but he doubted that they’d be staying that long. Once the billing department realized their insurances were fake, they’d be on their case immediately.
“Thank you”
The doctor nodded before leading Dean to Sam’s room. He assumed his brother was sleeping for his eyes were closed. Sam was still a little pale but his color was getting better, thanks to the IVs and multitude of fluid bags hanging above his head.
“What have I done” Dean whispered sadly. He settled in a chair next to the bed and took comfort in watching his brother’s chest rise and fall. At least his brother was still breathing. The monitors beeped in time with Sam’s heart. At least his brother was still alive.
Sam slept and then Sam woke up. At first it was faint. Twitches here and there before eyelashes fluttered, nostrils flaring at the unfamiliar sensations of plastic cannulas and hospital air. But it was the muffled groan that got Dean up from his daze.
“Sam? You with me?”
Sam turned his head sluggishly in the direction of that voice. He blinked a couple of times before he could really see the sight in front of him. His big brother was there, green eyes wide with relief and jaw clenched shut and covered with a few days worth of stubble. But what struck him the most was the hurt that was featured all over what should have been his brother’s comforting face. The sorrow even reached his emerald orbs, shadowing them with something Sam couldn’t quite describe.
“Dean” he finally croaked out. His voice sounded hoarse even to him. Hospitals tended to do that to him. Or maybe it was almost vomiting himself to death that did. He couldn’t quite remember what had happened after Dean had came back to the motel. But he was sure of where he’d ended up. And he knew why. He had screwed up again.
Lucifer appeared from behind the curtain and walked towards him, stopping right behind Dean.
“Do you remember what happened?” Dean tried, oblivious to what his brother was seeing. Lucifer smirked, crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side.
‘Yeah. What happened, Sammy? How come you’re still alive?’
Sam swallowed and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them again, Lucifer was still there. He wasn’t a dream. Or if he was, he was a damn persistent one.
“I was sick…” he droned. There was more to it, but he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud.
“It wasn’t withdrawal, Sam” Dean announced readily. His little brother looked perplexed by his announcement.
“You were hypoglycemic and your body started feeding on fat cells. Your nausea wasn’t from withdrawal but from acute acidosis. You could’ve died, Sam” Dean explained, quieting towards the end of his report.
Sam swallowed.
‘Your brother looks disappointed’ Lucifer taunted. Sam tried to ignore him but something gripped at his stomach and it just wouldn’t let go. Maybe Dean was disappointed that Sam wasn’t dead. Or maybe Sam was. He was rather confused. Dean had left him after all and he’d been forced to come back for him. As long as he was there, he was holding Dean back.
“Sorry” Sam mumbled. Maybe he was sorry that he hadn’t died. He wasn’t sure of what exactly he was apologizing for. There seemed to be so many things he needed to redeem himself for. He didn’t know where to start.
“Let’s get you through the night and then we’re out of here before they start asking questions” Dean proposed. Sam was looking somewhere else. Dean frowned.
“Did you hear what I just said?”
Sam’s misty eyes turned to him. There was something cold in them. Something that made shivers course through Dean’s body.
“You know you should go, Dean”
The eldest’s eyes widened.
“Wait. Come again”
The pits in Sam’s eyes seemed to grow deeper.
“Go. You’ve been through enough trouble because of me”
Sam’s bottom lip was quivering. Dean wasn’t sure what this was? Was his brother throwing a fit because he was high on drugs or did Sam really want him out?
“Hey, I’m here aren’t I? Trouble’s my middle name” he pointed out.
Lucifer snorted. Sam didn’t pay him any heed.
“I’ve hurt you enough, Dean. I can’t do that anymore. You deserve better” Sam said sadly, tears pooling in his eyes. Dean was bewildered.
“What’s up with the self loathing? Sammy, I’ve never let you down. I’m not about to start now. We can get through this” he assured.
Sam shook his head. His voice was thickening with fatigue and despair. “I’m not gonna get better, Dean. And I don’t want to drag you down with me”
There was a pained expression in Dean’s face. He wasn’t expecting to be shunned away. Mostly though, he wasn’t expecting Sam to have given up all hope.
“I’m not leaving” he stated simply.
Sam pursed his lips. Dean set his jaw tighter. His eyes were serious. He had meant that.
“Dean” Sam breathed out. The pleading look in his eyes was painful.
“End of discussion, Sam. Not leaving”
Sam’s shoulders slumped. Dean was a Winchester too. As much as he himself could be stubborn, his big brother was hard to beat at that. After all, he’d learned from the best.
“Then can you get me something good to eat? I’m starving” Sam blurted out suddenly. Dean was taken aback slightly but he nodded.
“Sure. I’ll be back soon”
He started towards the door when he heard his brother call his name softly. He turned around to see his brother looking like a kid all over again.
“Just wanted to say… I love you, man”
Dean felt his heart warm up on the inside. He smiled softly.
“No chick flick, Sammy. Remember?”
Sam smiled sadly. “I’m sorry” he said. It resonated much more than it should have. Or maybe it was because Dean knew of Sam’s guilt and he could almost feel the weight that came with the simple apology.
“Hey, quit apologizing. You’ll be fine and up in no time” Dean assured. Sam nodded softly.
Dean left and reached the cafeteria. He found a salad that he thought Sam could like. His brother was fond of the rabbit food anyway. He picked up a juice made of pure fruits and vitamins. While Sam had been sleeping, the doctor had given him instructions about how to take care of his brother.
He paid for the food and headed back towards the ICU. When he reached Sam’s room, his heart dropped into his shins. The food slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor. Sam’s bed was empty. The nurses were already there and a flurry of activity was already on.
“The patient’s gone!”
Dean’s breath caught in his throat. He thought about the last things Sam had said to him. I love you and I’m sorry. He should have known. Sam was saying goodbye. He didn’t want his big brother to see him hurt so he had decided to leave.
“Son of a bitch” Dean growled.
“Fuck” he breathed softly as realization dawned upon him.
“FUCK SAM!”
Where’d you go?
Please don’t hurt yourself.
Be okay, Sammy.
Please, be okay.
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: H/C, Angst, Family, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, Lucifer
Word count: +/- 8,200
Warnings: Some cussing, alcohol abuse, gratuitous cruelty, moderate to high levels of angst
Summary: Sam has a reason to go on a drinking spree and then one to stop short. He goes into withdrawal, or so he thinks.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
A/N 2: This one will have a part 2 which will most likely be the next verse.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
This was a particularly bad week. Sam had been okay for a while, excelling in pushing the devil away every time the bastard tried to pry into his business. This had given him confidence. Maybe he would finally be able to get rid of Lucifer. Maybe his marbles were finally back together. And while he thought things were finally turning okay, the other shoe dropped. When didn’t it?
‘Heya Sammy! D’ you miss me?’ Lucifer cackled.
Sam pretended to ignore him and focused on Dean’s back. They were pacing a dark alley in search of a shape shifter. Sam had his silver knife out and ready. Lucifer was bouncing to his side, a mischievous grin plastered to his face.
‘Aw come on! The cold shoulder again? I thought we were past that point!’ the devil yammered.
Sam cast him a quick sideways glance before moving closer to his brother.
“Dean, are we getting closer?” he asked, trying to drown the whining that rose from the pestering fallen angel.
‘Pleeeeeeease Sam, don’t ignore me!’
Sam rolled his eyes and breathed deeply to calm his nerves.
“The entrance to his hideout should be somewhere around here” Dean announced, oblivious to Sam’s torment. The youngest closed his eyes and sighed. The faster he’d have something to launch at, the better things would be for him.
‘You can’t fool me, you know’ Lucifer started, a dauntless smile on his face. Sam froze and a chill coursed through his long limbs.
‘Sorry to disappoint… I know you thought you were getting better’ the angel continued. Sam’s eyes widened.
“What?” he stuttered softly. Dean turned to face his brother with a surprised look.
“I didn’t say anything” he assured. But Sam wasn’t looking at him. Dread filled the pit of his stomach. It felt heavy like concrete because it came to his knowledge that his brother wasn’t actually speaking to him.
“Sam?”
Lucifer’s smile widened.
‘I just gave you a little respite for the last few weeks. Don’t say I never gave you anything’ he granted, pointing a finger at Sam. The latter shivered violently. Seeing the boy’s dumbstruck expression, Lucifer shrugged his shoulders, arms opened on both sides.
‘What can I say? We’re buddies after all. You needed me to lay off so I did. But I’m serious when I say that I missed you’ the archangel announced with puckered lips.
Sam wanted to hurl.
‘We’re going to have all kinds of fun now’ Lucifer chimed.
Sam jumped off the ground when a hand brushed against his shoulder. He turned in time to see a pair of worried eyes. Behind them, Dean stood with a haunted look.
“You okay?”
Sam swallowed many times, his eyes still wide. Dean studied his brother for incredibly long seconds.
“Sam?”
Concern leaked from his voice. Somehow, it reached Sam and pulled him back to the surface.
“Dean” he replied, his voice hollow. His eyes were still wary. The eldest wondered if his brother even acknowledged that he was real.
“Don’t pay attention to him” he instructed.
Sam looked at an empty spot and then back at him.
“Kinda hard not to” he admitted, his voice hardly above a whisper. Lucifer chirped at that. Sam turned his head in the angel’s direction and glared at him.
The latter shrugged with an amused smile.
“Hey!” Dean forced, turning Sam’s head and cupping both his cheeks so that the youngest would look at him.
“I’m here. You know he’s not real. Focus here, Sam. He’s just messing with your head. Be stronger than him! I know you can”
Sam nodded reluctantly.
“Alright, come on”
With Dean’s constant watch, they managed to find the shifter and kill it. Their victory was short lived when Dean announced that they were done for the night and had to find a motel to crash. The eldest really was tired, but his true intention was to get his brother someplace safe where he didn’t have to worry about Sam losing it and someone else using it against them. He couldn’t stand to let anything hurt his brother.
Dean turned the light on inside the room and studied the place with a furtive glance.
“Looks cozy enough. I’m so ready to hit the sack anyway” he admitted.
Sam looked at him sadly. Lucifer was sitting on the furthest bed, his back resting against the headrest and his arms gently propped behind his head. Something told him that he wouldn’t get much rest that night. He watched as Dean crashed on his bed and breathed deeply. He figured he’d have to find something to keep himself busy.
“Sam, you okay?” Dean suddenly asked, his voice muffled from fatigue.
“Yeah. M’ fine” the youngest lied. Dean closed his eyes.
“Kay. ‘night”
And with that he was asleep. Sam sighed and stared at Lucifer whom had watched the whole scene from his spot.
‘You know that’s not going to happen for you, right’
Sam bowed his head sadly. When Lucifer decided to keep him up at night, there wasn’t much he could do against it. He rubbed his forehead in defeat.
‘It’s not that bad. I’m good company!’ Lucifer chimed.
Sam looked at him accusingly before settling down with his laptop. If he couldn’t sleep, he could at least find something useful to do. Maybe he could try to track Leviathan activity.
‘Hey! It’s true! I’m a man of many talents! I can sing!’
Sam’s face twisted into something that resembled terror and disgust. “Please don’t” he begged coldly. Lucifer took it as a cue and smiled.
‘Because in my dream it's always there the evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair’ Lucifer sang. He ended on a loud and high pitched scream that had Sam jumping off his chair and cursing at the devil’s choice of music. Just when he thought he couldn’t hate it more…
Lucifer kept on singing and screeching and Sam had to lay his arms over his head to keep his ears from bleeding, but also himself from throwing his computer across the room. The number of the beast? That one surely is quite a number!
“For fuck’s sake, just tune it down!” Sam finally pleaded. To honor his wishes, Lucifer increased his volume another couple of decibels.
Sam hopped off his chair and started to fumble through his caches. Since Dean didn’t really like to see him drink, he’d taken a habit of hiding his stash. He’d found a subtle trick to avoid his brother’s scrutiny. He would use a coffee container instead of a flask. Dean had complained about his coffee consumption, oblivious to the fact that it wasn’t really caffeine Sam was juicing up on.
He started chugging the liquor. It burned its way down his throat and left a feeling of fire in his chest. He looked back to his bed and saw that Lucifer was now playing with his knife. He hiccupped silently and blinked at the scene. A comforting tingling filled his body.
‘Are you feeling better now? Because I am! And I’m just getting started’
Sam’s brow folded in despair. The content of the coffee cup clearly wasn’t enough and he went for the whole bottle. He decided to try to down it in one go, but after a few gulps his throat started to rebel. He almost spat out the liquid, but fought to keep it in. There was no use in wasting. He mustered up all his remaining strength and emptied the bottle.
Lucifer looked at him with a lopsided smirk.
‘You think that’s gonna make me leave?’
Sam’s eyes watered from the burning sensation in his body.
“No” he finally slurred. Lucifer looked satisfied with that reflection.
“But it might make your jokes funnier” Sam mumbled, his brain already starting to fog.
‘My jokes are amazing’ the fallen angel replied hurtfully.
Sam shrugged and dragged his heavy feet towards the bed. His legs felt wobbly. He let himself fall on the bed and cradled the pillow to his face.
‘You don’t think I’m gonna let you sleep, do you?’
“Shuddup” Sam growled. His eyes were already closed. His breathing deepened considerably. He felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress. Lucifer wouldn’t even be able to rouse him.
He woke up the next morning feeling groggy and terrible. Lucifer was standing by the bed and singing him a good morning. Sam grabbed his pounding head with a shaky hand. He always felt crappy whenever he’d abused the good stuff. But it was worth it when he managed to get some sleep.
‘You must have a lovely headache. Let me sing just a little louder then’
And the devil did. Sam flinched and wrapped the pillow around his ears. Dean was nowhere to be seen and Sam figured his brother had gone out for food. Thankful for the fact that he was on his own, he pulled out his rescue flask and took a couple of shots. He’d have to replenish his supplies soon. The rate at which his bottles descended warranted frequent trips to the liquor store.
Quickly enough, the sick feeling passed. It was replaced by the dull numbness the alcohol provided. It didn’t make Lucifer go away but it made him bearable.
When Dean came back, he noticed the stench of alcohol. He didn’t comment on it though. At least not directly.
“That bad, uh?” he finally dared ask.
Sam didn’t look up, but Dean could tell his brother had heard him alright.
“Yeah… he won’t go” Sam finally admitted.
Dean breathed deeply in order to keep tears from pooling into his sad eyes.
“I’m sorry”
“Dean… don’t”
“I can’t help”
Sam knew it was true and he felt sorry for his brother. Dean really did look helpless.
“It’s the consequences of putting my soul back in. It had to happen, Dean”
There was something that hurt Dean more than his brother’s words. It was the way Sam looked. His brother was accepting all of it. He did deem himself worthy of what was dooming on him.
“Are you giving up?”
Sam shrugged dolefully.
“Sam?” Dean insisted. He didn’t like the direction the conversation was taking.
“Not yet. But it’s going to get worse Dean. You have to know that. I’m not going to get better” Sam replied.
‘At least you got that right’ Lucifer butted in.
Sam flicked him off with a finger. Dean noticed the gesture and repressed a huff.
“I’m sorry” Dean repeated. Sam had heard that too many times already.
“It’s okay, Dean. I’ve made up my mind. Besides, I’m too fucking tired to care”
It was like a knife had gone through his flesh and ripped his lungs open. His own fears of Sam’s wall breaking down and his brother being hurt beyond repair was enough to pain him. But it was nothing compared to the agony he felt upon hearing that Sam too deemed himself broken beyond repair.
“So what? Are you going to sit there and wait til you die?” Dean blurted out, anger pouring out of him.
“Even if I keep going, it’s not going to hold it off”
Dean’s fists clenched.
“Well, I’m not going to let that happen!” he promised. Sam shook his head despondently.
“I’m not exactly giving you a choice here. I’m not letting you die, Sam” Dean added adamantly.
“Can’t wait to see that” Sam mumbled.
Dean let the matter drop and pulled out the food he’d just brought back. They ate in silence. Actually, Dean ate and Sam picked at his food. The eldest knew better than to pick a fight so he let it go this time.
They did that for days. Sam would just drink himself into oblivion, only to wake up and start all over again. Dean was desperate, but nothing he did reached out to his brother. Sam brushed him off and chose the bottle over him. At some point, he was too drunk to even hide anymore. Dean had tried hiding his booze, but Sam only lashed out at him. At some point Dean snapped.
“Fine! You wanna drink yourself to death? Knock yourself out, you idiot! I don’t give a fuck anymore! I’ve tried but you just won’t let me in. Don’t count on me to rock you to sleep, man. I’m done!”
With that, Dean stormed out of the room they were staying in. Sam stared at the closed door for hours, letting himself fall to the floor. He cradled his own body which was afflicted by racking tremors.
‘Aw, Dean doesn’t love you anymore’ Lucifer taunted.
And for once Sam didn’t argue. He could understand why too. All Dean had done was try to help and Sam had pushed him away every single time. He didn’t deserve to be cared for. But Dean, he deserved better. His brother didn’t deserve a loser like himself. So maybe if something happened to him, Dean would be happier.
When Dean came back, he reeked of cigarettes and booze. He was obviously drunk from the way he swayed. Sam couldn’t blame him. When Dean tripped, something made him reach his brother’s side and help him. Dean jerked away at first, but soon let his brother help him up and to his bed.
“Boots” Sam mumbled. He was just as drunk as Dean was after all, but after days of training, he was handling himself better.
Dean lifted his leg as far as it would go and Sam took off the first boot. He motioned for the second leg and his big brother made a last big effort. Sam helped his brother out of his coat next. Dean helped as much as he could without keeling over and vomiting.
“Doin’ good” Sam whispered.
Dean slipped out of his jeans and let himself slump against his pillow. Sam tucked the covers around his brother’s body. The eldest shivered.
“You gonna be sick?” Sam asked, recognizing the signs. Dean didn’t even need to reply. The youngest pushed the trash can under his nose and Dean expelled his stomach’s content. Sam scrunched up his nose at the scent.
‘He’s sick of you, that’s the truth’ Lucifer suggested. Sam closed his eyes. He didn’t have the heart to say the opposite.
“Better?” he asked when Dean was done heaving.
“mmHmm” Dean groaned.
Sam nodded and dropped the can next to the bed. At least Dean would have it nearby just in case.
The eldest closed his eyes and he was snoring within seconds. Sam pulled a chair by the bed and sat down quietly. For once, if Lucifer wanted to keep him up, he wouldn’t argue.
‘You’re still going to watch out for him?’ Lucifer asked in disbelief.
“He’s my brother” Sam replied dully as if it justified everything.
‘Want me to keep you awake?’
Sam shrugged. He wasn’t going to sleep anyway. Instead, he kept an eye on his brother while Lucifer sang a terribly off-key version of Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train.
When Dean woke up the next morning, he was greeted with a glass of water and painkillers.
“Thank you” he mumbled, sleep still fogging his voice. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes after swallowing the pills. His hangover was bad and he could only assume that he’d abused again. Even though he didn’t remember the last moments clearly, he hadn’t forgotten about what happened before he left for the bar and decided to get shitfaced.
“’bout what I said the other night” he started but Sam cut him off immediately.
“Don’t. I deserved it. I’ve been an ass. You were trying to help. I’m sorry” Sam said all at once. Dean was taken aback and blinked several times.
“Uh okay” he finally replied because it was the only thing that came to his mind.
“You want some breakfast? I got you a greasy burrito, the way you love ‘em”
Dean studied his brother intensely. What had caused the sudden mood change, he didn’t know. But Sam was clean and he looked sober. That’s two things he hadn’t been in days.
“’d you get yourself anything?” he asked, suddenly searching for his brother’s breakfast.
“I ate it already. I’m fine”
Dean frowned. Sam didn’t look like he had eaten much. Actually, his brother hadn’t exactly been eating in days. But if Sam said he was okay, he would just have to trust him. He ate his breakfast in silence and he secretly had to admit that it felt nice to have Sam take care of him for once. It did make him feel guilty for the harsh words that he’d thrown at his brother, but Sam didn’t seem upset about it. After all, Dean sometimes said things that were beyond his true beliefs.
Sam had searched the papers from headlines to small announcements when Dean finished his meal.
“You find anything?”
Sam looked up from the papers to stare at his brother. He looked surprised that Dean would even ask him about it.
“Uh no. Nothing supernatural in there” he admitted sadly.
Dean nodded. “Okay. You check the net?”
“Yeah, all night. Didn’t find anything”
At hearing the last words his brother had spoken, something came to Dean’s attention. He frowned.
“Wait. Did you get any sleep at all?”
His little brother gave him a look that said it all. He couldn’t believe how much his brother could actually say without even speaking. He sighed.
“Before you say anything, I’m fine Dean” Sam assured. Dean shrugged.
“Whatever. You wouldn’t want my help anyway”
Sam bowed his head to hide the hurt that he assumed would be shining in his eyes. He wouldn’t let his brother see that. As much as it annoyed him when Dean cared too much, it annoyed him more when his brother didn’t.
“So what do we do?” Sam asked softly, trying to change the subject. Dean shrugged and sunk farther into his chair.
“Keep looking” he finally said. He didn’t miss the look of pain that crossed his brother’s eyes. He knew Sam had been doing that all night, but with the Leviathans running amok, they couldn’t consider loosening on the case.
“Alright” Sam replied sullenly. He repositioned himself in his chair and prepared for what would be a long and exhausting day. He started searching when his head spun. He blinked to chase the haze away, but it only made his head spin more. He tried to take a straight position, but everything started to waltz in his line of vision.
“Whoa” he murmured softly. His head still didn’t feel any better. Dean had gone out, pretending he would be trying to find intel for a hunt. Sam was just hoping that his brother wasn’t getting his ‘intel’ directly into the mouth of a bartender or any random chick that would fall for his brother’s Winchester charms.
He rolled his eyes at the thought and regretted it immediately when his stomach rolled with them. He felt a lump coming up his throat and darted for the bathroom just in time. As he heaved, he cursed himself for feeling so dizzy and sick.
‘Where’s that brother of yours when you need him?’ Lucifer jeered.
Sam gripped the porcelain tighter as another wave of nausea hit him.
“Just go away. Leave me the fuck alone”
‘But apparently I’m the only one who wants to stick with you right now’ the angel scoffed.
“Get lost! I’d rather be alone” Sam growled.
The fallen angel pouted his way out of the bathroom.
‘Wouldn’t tell Dean I’m detoxing if I were you. It would bring back too many great memories’
Sam let the words ring in his head. He had made a decision upon seeing his brother come home drunk on the last night. That bout of drinking had been put to the side and he would try to keep it that way for a while. He just hadn’t expected withdrawal to hit so quickly. And Lucifer reminding him about it didn’t help the matter.
He pulled himself together and splashed cold water on his pale face when he heard the noise from the front door. Dean was back. He looked at himself for a moment longer. Something struck him but it didn’t make too much sense just yet. If he was detoxing then why weren’t his hands shaking? Maybe he was just lucky this time.
He came out of the bathroom and faked a smile to keep up appearances.
“You okay?” Dean asked immediately. Sam wondered if his brother would ever quit asking him that at every turn.
“Yeah. Just tired. I’m still not finding anything” he admitted. Most of it was true although he didn’t let on just how excruciatingly tired he was.
“Alright. Let’s get moving then. Time’s a wastin’” Dean proposed.
The youngest didn’t exactly feel up to par but his brother didn’t need to know that. It would only add more frustrations to their already tensed relationship.
They packed and hit the road. Sam was fast asleep in the passenger seat. After all, he had stayed up all night. Dean allowed his brother some resting time. He’d only call for his copilot when he’d feel like he could trust him enough to not get the both of them lost.
The car stopped at some point and Sam couldn’t tell how long he’d been asleep when he stirred awake. The one thing he was aware of was the cotton like feeling in his mouth and the fact that he was thirsty. A tapping sound on the window made him look up and his eyes crossed his brother’s.
The first thing Sam noticed after that was that it was dark outside. He’d obviously been out for longer than he thought. The second thing he saw was the key chain Dean had around his finger. They were in a motel parking lot. So his brother had decided to stop already?
Sam fumbled for the handle and slowly pulled the car door open. His arm felt heavy and he thought he’d need an incredible amount of strength to keep up the pushing. Dean was waiting for him outside, the duffels already hanging around his shoulders.
“C’mon princess, we don’t have all day” Dean pressed. Sam rolled his eyes and for a moment, his lids felt heavy. He just wanted to keep his eyes closed for a while longer. The darkness was strangely appealing.
“Sam? You comin’? I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving!”
For a second, he wondered about his own stomach. He couldn’t even remember when was the last time that he had something to eat, but the only thought of it made him feel sick.
“Comin’” he finally mumbled, trying to work his long tangled legs. He was slower than usual and every movement made his joints feel stiff.
“Dude, the old lady from the lobby could have made it here and back in less time than it’s taking you to get your sorry ass up right now” Dean teased. Sam’s heart wasn’t into the jokes. Actually, when he thought about it he realized his heart was beating pretty damn fast for the little exercise he was trying so hard to achieve.
“Don’t wait up. I’ll be inside in a minute” Sam finally conceded. Dean frowned.
“So you can booze up while I’m not looking” he accused with a sad look in his eyes. Sam felt a stab of pain at his brother’s lack of trust. But he could only tell himself that he had deserved it. He hadn’t exactly given his brother a reason to trust him in the past few days.
Silence fell upon them. Dean felt uncomfortable so he decided to heed his brother’s demand and walked inside. He had noticed the pallor of his brother’s face or the way his movements were sluggish as if his brother were in pain. Still, every time he’d tried to help in the past days - hell the past months - his brother had bitten his head off for being too nosy. If something was up with Sam, he’d have to trust that his little brother would come to him and tell him about it. But he knew deep down that Sam wasn’t one to ask for help.
Sam lingered in the passenger seat for a while longer. Everything in him hurt. His stomach was cramping and his head was swimming. The cold concrete glistened from the lights that were casting a light too bright for his tired eyes. He squinted while wrapping an arm around his middle.
It took a herculean effort just to pull himself up and when he did, his vision swam out of focus. As he lost his footing, he felt something short of a whirlwind in his stomach. He fell to his knees and held his palms up to hold the upper part of his body in an attempt to keep from falling to his face. There was a jagged burning sensation in his hands and he assumed he’d ripped his skin on a few rocks.
Before he could process anything else, the very meager content of his stomach made its way out. He could only gag on the acrid taste of bile. It lasted for too long and hurt too much before he could pull himself up again.
‘He’s going to think that you have been drinking, you know. How much more pathetic can you be to him?’
Sam traced the voice with tired eyes and saw the mockingly comforting look on Lucifer’s face. He didn’t even have the strength to fight back. Instead, he pushed his way past the fallen angel and stumbled inside the motel room.
Dean was already setting the salt lines and getting comfortable. He studied his brother’s unsteady gait for a moment. Sam didn’t pay him any attention. He dropped his duffel by the bed closest to the door.
“Took you long enough” Dean pointed out. Lucifer was standing behind the eldest Winchester and stared at Sam with a satisfied smirk.
‘It’s because you were busy puking your guts out while big brother here was getting comfy. Why do you even let him talk to you like that?’. His face was mocking sympathy. Sam shivered. He extended his fingers until they brushed against the comforter. He swayed his way to the edge of the bed and let his weight fall down on it. His head didn’t stop spinning, but at least he was on steady grounds.
“So what is this? Another drunken night? Oh but why do I complain… it’s been - how many nights has it been?” Dean asked, squinting at the effort to remember when was the last time his brother hadn’t been drunk.
“Shut up Dean” Sam growled. His voice was low but the order was clear.
‘Ow, now it’s getting interesting! What does a guy have to do to get some popcorn around here, anyway?’ Lucifer bemocked, crossing his arms and letting a wide smile spread across his face. Sam ignored him completely. He ran his fingers against his temples and frowned.
“I think I need some fresh air” Dean announced. He didn’t miss the expression on his brother’s face. Was that panic? Out of anger, he shrugged it off and grabbed his jacket.
“Don’t wait up” he added before slamming the door behind him.
The youngest stared at the door for a while. It was the second time that he was left staring as his brother walked out on him. Only this time, something felt wrong about it. With the way he was feeling, he would have hoped for a big brother to look after him. He assumed he would have to take care of it by himself.
His abdomen was still utterly painful. He hissed and squeezed his eyes shut when he tried to move and it only jarred at his painful muscles. Withdrawal was a bitch indeed. And he could have used a brother. But in the mean time, Dean didn’t have to know because it would make it all true. He was an addict. And now his poison was making him sick. He sighed and realized how dry his mouth felt.
‘Really, you’re just going to sit there and say nothing? You spend the whole night up to watch out for your brother and when you’re sick he’s out the door within seconds?’ Lucifer wondered. Pretending he cared just made Sam’s heart beat faster in pain. The devil cared about him when his brother didn’t. How messed up was that?
“He thinks I’m drunk” Sam droned. His eyes watered.
‘Whose fault is that?’
Sam nodded. “I know” he replied. It’s mine. “It’s why I deserve all of this” he added, his voice cracking.
‘Aw, you’re gonna make me cry’ the archangel mocked. Sam glared at him before focusing back on the open bathroom door. He was thirsty and decided to try to make his way over to the sink. It was more difficult than he would have expected. He had a hard time walking straight and his vision kept swimming in and out of focus. He finally made it to the faucet and turned the cold water on.
He let it run just because the sound it made lulled him and suddenly made him really sleepy. Regaining his composure, he grabbed a cup from the counter and filled it with water that he intended to drink. He swallowed the liquid and splashed some of it on his face and into his hair.
As soon as he felt the cold water settle down his throat, he felt it come back up again. His eyes widened in surprise and he was on his knees before he knew what hit him. The heaving was painful and left him drained of energy. The chilly tiles suddenly appeared very appealing and he wondered if a nap would make him feel better. It couldn’t hurt him more than the pain he was already in. He let his weight slump against the floor and the rocking waves that hit his body lulled him into the darkness.
SNSN
Dean hadn’t gone very far. As soon as he had left the motel room, his anger had vanished to be replaced with a strong feeling of shame. His brother had taken care of him even after he had flicked him off and what did he do to repay him? He snapped at him again. It was nothing new that Sam was drinking his problems away. Why did it suddenly matter so much? The kid hadn’t even scowled at him for doing the same thing. No, Sam had stayed up all night to make sure he was okay. What kind of horrible brother was he?
And it’s not like he had left Sam in the best of shapes either. His brother had been pale and shaky when he left him wide eyed in the motel room. When he thought about it, Sam had looked like hell for the whole day. His brother had slept his way through the ride. At first he thought it wasn’t unusual since Sam had been up all night. But now that he thought about it, his brother hardly ever slept that much even if he’d been up for three days in a row.
There was one more thing. Lucifer. Sam hadn’t spoken too much about it, but Dean knew that the devil hadn’t been tormenting his brother for weeks. Why was he back in the picture all of a sudden?
Something wasn’t right. He felt guilty and crappy for leaving Sam and his concern only grew when he thought about how quiet and pained Sam looked. It was the memory of Sam’s panicked look that made him stomp on the brakes and race back to the motel.
That was it. Sam had looked panicked when he said he was leaving. As if his brother had been scared that something would happen to him if Dean didn’t stay. Without hesitating, Dean pushed his weight against the accelerator.
What he saw when he opened the door froze the blood pumping through his veins. The room was empty except for the hue that cast out from the bathroom door.
“Sam?”
He moved closer to the bathroom. He could swear he felt his heart stop. Sam was sprawled out on the floor. He was pale and mostly out.
“Sammy!”
He fell to his brother’s side and scrunched his nose against the acrid smell that filled the bathroom. Vomit? Dean looked all around for anything short of a bottle of liquor but he found nothing. He started running conditions in his head. Alcohol poisoning? It would make sense but then there would be alcohol somewhere. Unless Sam had hidden it. But then, if his brother was drunk enough to pass out, would he have been able to think of hiding his bottles?
“Sammy!” Dean repeated, shaking his brother’s shoulder. Relief exploded in his chest when he saw his brother’s eyes fluttering open.
“Fuck, Sam! Are you okay?” he asked, trying to help his brother up. Sam was rigid and tried to pull out of his brother’s grasp. He was in too much pain to be moved that quickly.
“Hurts, D…” he mumbled, closing his eyes against the lights that were too bright.
“What? Where?”
Sam’s eyes were misty and strangely unfocused. It’s only then that Dean realized how fast Sam’s breathing was.
“Calm down, Sammy. I’m gonna take care of you. I need you to tell me where it hurts”
Dean was already triaging his brother, searching for injuries or anything else he would’ve missed. Sam was still looking at him and for a second, Dean wondered if his brother was searching for his words or his air.
“Sam?” he pressed, needing his brother to know that he was there and that he was taking care of the situation.
Instead of answering with words, Sam wrapped his arms around his middle and Dean understood.
“Your stomach? Are you nauseous? Like stomach flu nauseous?”
Sam shook his head. He was almost gasping for breath.
“Worse…” he breathed out. Dean nodded quickly, unsure of what to do.
“How ‘bout some water? You want some water?” he proposed. Sam shook his head vigorously which scared Dean even more.
“No… no water… puked it”
Dean looked at the commode with a frown and then back at his panicked brother. Sam didn’t look like he was getting better and his brother was starting to fidget.
“But you need to drink something or you’ll get dehydrated” he stated. Sam looked even more agitated and his eyes were wild.
“No drinking… no eating…” he warned. And that’s when something clicked inside Dean’s head.
“Sam? When’s the last time you ate or drank anything besides alcohol?”
Sam’s eyes widened and then squeezed shut. Tears escaped through his closed lashes. He’d barely eaten in days and his last binge of drinking had been over a day ago. He hadn’t had anything else ever since.
“Not drunk…” he finally said in between gasps. Dean’s brow knit.
“What?”
“Withdrawal” Sam admitted painfully, closing his eyes again as more tears rolled down his cheeks. Dean’s eyes widened as he recognized things for what they were. Sam wasn’t drunk. It was the complete opposite. He had stopped drinking after his own episode at the bar which got Sam to take care of him. But stopping short had brought on withdrawal symptoms. So his brother was an addict all over again.
There was something close to despair in Dean’s eyes. Maybe it’s how Sam chose to see it. Either way, his heart sank at the dark emotion that filled his big brother’s eyes. He hadn’t expected to get this sick and if he could have avoided telling his brother, he would’ve.
“I’m sorry” Sam whimpered. He felt like a failure and Dean probably thought the same thing about him. Maybe he didn’t deserve to pull through after all. But he felt Dean’s comforting hand on his cheek. When he looked up, his brother looked hopeful.
“Let’s get you through this” he proposed. As the words left his brother’s mouth, a strange feeling crept its way inside of him. It started out as a tingling sensation that moved throughout his body. Then the tingling started to feel more like little shocks where driven to his system.
“Dean” he choked out, his voice catching in his throat. Before Dean could reply anything, Sam’s eyes rolled back and his whole body went rigid.
“Fuck. Fuck! Sam!” he cried out as he stared helplessly while his brother’s body jerked against his. Dean had the reflex to remove his jacket and slide it under Sam’s head so there would be something soft to protect it. The seizure went on and Dean felt desperation increase after each passing second.
The convulsions finally stopped. A breath of relief escaped Dean’s lips before he could stop it.
“Sammy” he started, immediately reaching for his brother to reassure himself.
“You with me?” he asked tentatively. He wasn’t expecting an answer but he remained hopeful. Surely enough, his brother didn’t even stir.
“Sam” Dean tried again, shaking his brother gently. Sam was pale and still. Dean studied him for a second, his own heart trying to burst out of his chest. He couldn’t lose his brother now. Not after everything.
“Come on, damn it!” he pleaded, placing his palm flat on his brother’s chest. He felt for a heartbeat. Sam’s heart was beating fast. Wait. It was beating fast. That’s when something else registered to Dean’s mind. Not only was his brother breathing quickly but his breaths were also deep.
“This is so so wrong” Dean noted as he bent to put his ear closer to his brother’s mouth. Instead of noticing the gasps, which he did, but they suddenly didn’t matter as much as the funny smell on his brother’s breath.
“Okay something’s up. I’m calling for help” Dean announced as he dialed the emergency number. Sam didn’t so much as blink.
The rest was a blur to Dean. The paramedics arrived and pushed him aside, assuring him that they would take care of his brother. He knew it was bad. Sam was still unconscious after all. But they had been through all kinds of bad. Sam had gone through demon blood detox after all. Twice. But something in Dean was telling him that he had made the right call.
It was confirmed when he heard one of the paramedics yell about something that strangely sounded like respiratory distress and protect his airway. His eyes widened in shock when they pulled out a set of tubes and settled on pushing one down his brother throat. Fuck Sam.
He blinked through the rest of the intervention. There was an IV and a cardiac monitor and they were saying things but they didn’t make sense to him. Tachycardic and hypotensive weren’t part of his vocabulary. He also heard medication names like nalaxone and thiamine. Whatever the fuck they were for, he only prayed that they would make his brother better.
It was only when they reached the hospital that Dean started to feel some kind of relief. He absentmindedly rubbed his brother’s hand with his thumb. “We’re here, Sammy. They’re going to fix you” he whispered, his gaze fixated on the digits flashing on the monitors. It was better than to look at his brother’s lax face.
Then there was the waiting room and Dean lost himself in his thoughts. At some point he must have called Bobby too, but he was too baffled by what he had witnessed to even remember what he had said. It’s only when the doctor finally came out to talk to him that he felt like he could breathe again. The news weren’t good but at least his brother was alive.
“Alcoholic ketoacidosis. Caused the abdominal pain, lightheadedness and nausea and vomiting. In short, Sam’s blood sugar levels dropped because of his massive alcohol consumption, which caused his body to start feeding on fat cells for energy. It caused a buildup of acid in his blood on top of the malnutrition and dehydration. He’s lucky you caught up on it quickly. He should recover without further complications” the doctor explained.
Dean swallowed the news like a brick. It didn’t exactly go down smoothly.
“I knew he was drinking, but I didn’t know it was that bad” he admitted, feeling like he had failed his brother. He had let it go because Sam wanted it and also because his brother was already hurting. It’s not like he had the right to preach either. He wasn’t exactly a saint himself. And Sam’s demons weren’t too different from his own.
“Many alcoholics won’t admit that they have a problem until their health starts deteriorating. He’s fine for now and we do have him on fluids for the moment. We want to make sure he’s hydrated and nourished when he steps out of here. As for that, we wanted to inform you that we’d like to keep him for a few days. It’s so that we can make sure his fluids are balanced, but also to treat further withdrawal symptoms”
Dean nodded, but he doubted that they’d be staying that long. Once the billing department realized their insurances were fake, they’d be on their case immediately.
“Thank you”
The doctor nodded before leading Dean to Sam’s room. He assumed his brother was sleeping for his eyes were closed. Sam was still a little pale but his color was getting better, thanks to the IVs and multitude of fluid bags hanging above his head.
“What have I done” Dean whispered sadly. He settled in a chair next to the bed and took comfort in watching his brother’s chest rise and fall. At least his brother was still breathing. The monitors beeped in time with Sam’s heart. At least his brother was still alive.
Sam slept and then Sam woke up. At first it was faint. Twitches here and there before eyelashes fluttered, nostrils flaring at the unfamiliar sensations of plastic cannulas and hospital air. But it was the muffled groan that got Dean up from his daze.
“Sam? You with me?”
Sam turned his head sluggishly in the direction of that voice. He blinked a couple of times before he could really see the sight in front of him. His big brother was there, green eyes wide with relief and jaw clenched shut and covered with a few days worth of stubble. But what struck him the most was the hurt that was featured all over what should have been his brother’s comforting face. The sorrow even reached his emerald orbs, shadowing them with something Sam couldn’t quite describe.
“Dean” he finally croaked out. His voice sounded hoarse even to him. Hospitals tended to do that to him. Or maybe it was almost vomiting himself to death that did. He couldn’t quite remember what had happened after Dean had came back to the motel. But he was sure of where he’d ended up. And he knew why. He had screwed up again.
Lucifer appeared from behind the curtain and walked towards him, stopping right behind Dean.
“Do you remember what happened?” Dean tried, oblivious to what his brother was seeing. Lucifer smirked, crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side.
‘Yeah. What happened, Sammy? How come you’re still alive?’
Sam swallowed and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them again, Lucifer was still there. He wasn’t a dream. Or if he was, he was a damn persistent one.
“I was sick…” he droned. There was more to it, but he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud.
“It wasn’t withdrawal, Sam” Dean announced readily. His little brother looked perplexed by his announcement.
“You were hypoglycemic and your body started feeding on fat cells. Your nausea wasn’t from withdrawal but from acute acidosis. You could’ve died, Sam” Dean explained, quieting towards the end of his report.
Sam swallowed.
‘Your brother looks disappointed’ Lucifer taunted. Sam tried to ignore him but something gripped at his stomach and it just wouldn’t let go. Maybe Dean was disappointed that Sam wasn’t dead. Or maybe Sam was. He was rather confused. Dean had left him after all and he’d been forced to come back for him. As long as he was there, he was holding Dean back.
“Sorry” Sam mumbled. Maybe he was sorry that he hadn’t died. He wasn’t sure of what exactly he was apologizing for. There seemed to be so many things he needed to redeem himself for. He didn’t know where to start.
“Let’s get you through the night and then we’re out of here before they start asking questions” Dean proposed. Sam was looking somewhere else. Dean frowned.
“Did you hear what I just said?”
Sam’s misty eyes turned to him. There was something cold in them. Something that made shivers course through Dean’s body.
“You know you should go, Dean”
The eldest’s eyes widened.
“Wait. Come again”
The pits in Sam’s eyes seemed to grow deeper.
“Go. You’ve been through enough trouble because of me”
Sam’s bottom lip was quivering. Dean wasn’t sure what this was? Was his brother throwing a fit because he was high on drugs or did Sam really want him out?
“Hey, I’m here aren’t I? Trouble’s my middle name” he pointed out.
Lucifer snorted. Sam didn’t pay him any heed.
“I’ve hurt you enough, Dean. I can’t do that anymore. You deserve better” Sam said sadly, tears pooling in his eyes. Dean was bewildered.
“What’s up with the self loathing? Sammy, I’ve never let you down. I’m not about to start now. We can get through this” he assured.
Sam shook his head. His voice was thickening with fatigue and despair. “I’m not gonna get better, Dean. And I don’t want to drag you down with me”
There was a pained expression in Dean’s face. He wasn’t expecting to be shunned away. Mostly though, he wasn’t expecting Sam to have given up all hope.
“I’m not leaving” he stated simply.
Sam pursed his lips. Dean set his jaw tighter. His eyes were serious. He had meant that.
“Dean” Sam breathed out. The pleading look in his eyes was painful.
“End of discussion, Sam. Not leaving”
Sam’s shoulders slumped. Dean was a Winchester too. As much as he himself could be stubborn, his big brother was hard to beat at that. After all, he’d learned from the best.
“Then can you get me something good to eat? I’m starving” Sam blurted out suddenly. Dean was taken aback slightly but he nodded.
“Sure. I’ll be back soon”
He started towards the door when he heard his brother call his name softly. He turned around to see his brother looking like a kid all over again.
“Just wanted to say… I love you, man”
Dean felt his heart warm up on the inside. He smiled softly.
“No chick flick, Sammy. Remember?”
Sam smiled sadly. “I’m sorry” he said. It resonated much more than it should have. Or maybe it was because Dean knew of Sam’s guilt and he could almost feel the weight that came with the simple apology.
“Hey, quit apologizing. You’ll be fine and up in no time” Dean assured. Sam nodded softly.
Dean left and reached the cafeteria. He found a salad that he thought Sam could like. His brother was fond of the rabbit food anyway. He picked up a juice made of pure fruits and vitamins. While Sam had been sleeping, the doctor had given him instructions about how to take care of his brother.
He paid for the food and headed back towards the ICU. When he reached Sam’s room, his heart dropped into his shins. The food slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor. Sam’s bed was empty. The nurses were already there and a flurry of activity was already on.
“The patient’s gone!”
Dean’s breath caught in his throat. He thought about the last things Sam had said to him. I love you and I’m sorry. He should have known. Sam was saying goodbye. He didn’t want his big brother to see him hurt so he had decided to leave.
“Son of a bitch” Dean growled.
“Fuck” he breathed softly as realization dawned upon him.
“FUCK SAM!”
Where’d you go?
Please don’t hurt yourself.
Be okay, Sammy.
Please, be okay.