Underneath a Stretching Skyline verse #09 : The World is Falling on its Knees
Title: The World is Falling on its Knees, verse #09
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature (this one is kinda soft though)
Genre/pairing: H/C, Angst, Family, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: +/- 5,200
Warnings: Some cussing, illegal use of legal drugs, plotless schmoop
Summary: Sam has a migraine and Dean takes care of him.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
Bobby had done it. He’d found a way to kill the Leviathans. It had been a pure coincidence that Sheriff Mills happened to use a product made out of Borax to mop the floor, right above the basement where Bobby kept his captive on lock down. They found out this component worked like acid on the monsters.
Dean was ecstatic at their new discovery. They had just hunted a pair or Leviathans and the soap made out of Borax actually worked against them. The eldest couldn’t believe it until he saw the bodies burning and smiled at his victory. They had found something at last. He launched for the monsters’ throats and cut them both open. They’d just have to bury the parts to different places and no one would hear of those monsters ever again.
As they drove back to the motel, Dean was rambling proudly about how he’d separated the heads and bodies of those suckers. Sam only listened and nodded occasionally. His gaze was fixed in front of him, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what he was seeing.
“I swear I felt like a samurai from one of those Asian movies. Dude, we should find ourselves some nice Katanas!” Dean exclaimed excitedly.
“Mmhmm” Sam mumbled, squinting at the headlights that came towards them on the road. Something felt off but he wasn’t sure what, just yet.
“Well, thanks for your interest, Sammy” Dean blurted out sarcastically. He could tell that his brother was hardly listening and only approving to avoid giving actual answers. Moans didn’t make for elaborate conversations and Dean was getting somewhat tired of that.
Sam kept staring out the windshield and blinked whenever they rolled under a lamp post.
“Sam?” Dean asked firmly. Something was nagging at him too.
Sam had been alright for a while. At least, Dean thought his brother was. Lucifer didn’t seem to be around too much because Sam didn’t complain about it anymore. He was sleeping a little more too. It wasn’t a lot, but Dean contemplated small mercies with bliss. But at that moment, Sam appeared to be off.
As if on cue, Sam flinched at the sound of his brother’s voice and turned his head sharply into its direction. Dean came face to face with dull hazel eyes.
Sam’s eyebrows were up in surprise as if he had just realized his brother’s presence.
“Yeah?” the youngest breathed out. He was obviously clueless and Dean was puzzled.
“You okay? I mean… as of late you’re doing… good? Are you?”
Sam blinked. He was trying to figure out what it was that Dean wanted to know.
“Good as in not seeing Lucifer? Yeah he hasn’t been around much” he replied. It was the truth. Lucifer came out only every once in a while and Sam had a tendency to try to not remain sober when it happened. The devil got bored rather quickly when Sam was too loopy to even hold himself up.
Dean nodded. “That’s good, right? So he’s not here right now?”
Sam shook his head. He quickly made a nervous check, in case Lucifer was hiding somewhere. But the car came back angel free.
“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours” Dean requested. If Lucifer wasn’t around to torment his brother, why was the kid still spacing out and hardly listening to him. Was there something else that Sam wasn’t telling him?
Sam studied Dean’s face for a few seconds before his eyes rested on the scar on his palm. It had started to heal a little more since the cut was hardly useful these days. Lucifer was a persistent son of a gun and he wasn’t interested in Sam’s little scar digging. It hardly fazed him anymore.
But fortunately for Sam, Satan wasn’t around this time. He wasn’t stuck in some vivid Technicolor memory of his time in the cage either. It was something else entirely that felt different. The world around him seemed hazy and there was this incessant buzzing in his ears that wouldn’t leave him alone.
“Is the answer coming anytime this year?” Dean added when Sam snapped back to reality after realizing that he’d been into his head for long minutes. He hadn’t even caught on the fact that he had been gone that long until he checked the clock on the dashboard radio.
“Sorry, Dean… it’s just… I don’t know. My head feels fuzzy” Sam admitted. It was the truth for as far as he could tell. He didn’t know how else he could describe it.
“Did you knock your gourd during the hunt? Do you feel concussed or somethin’?”
Dean was already going through triage and Sam had to shake his head to keep his brother from going further through his list of possible conditions. He regretted it when a slight bout of vertigo assaulted him.
“No I didn’t hurt myself. It’s not like that. I just feel… off”
Dean frowned. That didn’t sound comforting. Was his brother going to trip down another reality or something? Maybe the whole hallucination thing was really doing something to his brother’s brain.
“That s’posed to make me feel better?” Dean asked. He wasn’t convinced at all.
“You asked for it. I’m just giving you the truth. You said you wanted me to open up, well that was me opening up”
Dean pinched the bridge of his nose while cocking his head to the side. His brother could be a real smartass sometimes. He wondered who he’d inherited this from. Probably from John. Right. Of course there was no one that came from him. Oh hell no!
“Okay. But can’t you be more specific?” Dean tried. He really wanted to get to something, but he wouldn’t be able to do it without Sam’s help. And who knew Sam better than Sam himself?
Sam huffed and shrugged. He really was trying, but his brain refused to collaborate.
“I’m trying. I really am. But I’m having a hard time thinking straight right now. I think I’m too tired” Sam confessed. It was true all the same. He really was tired.
A car came up on the other lane, racing towards them and when Sam turned to look at it, shards of light exploded across his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut and hid his face into his chest with a moan. Dean’s eyes widened at his brother’s sudden reaction. He had no idea where that came from, but it scared him none the less.
“Sam? Hey, what’s wrong? Sammy?”
Sam pulled his head back up and opened his eyes cautiously. When he made sure he wouldn’t be blinded again, he allowed himself to pull his lids up and look at Dean with a pained frown.
“What is it?” Dean shot, worried by his brother’s sorrowful look.
“The lights… they’re too fucking bright. It hurts.” To prove his point, he squinted at the street lights that lined the side of the road.
“It’s like every little beam sparkles to life and it hurts just to look at them”
Dean sighed. He had a vague idea of what this meant, but he was pretty sure that Sam too was all aware of what was happening to him at this point.
“Is this what I think it is?” Dean murmured, trying to keep his voice quiet. If Sam was indeed seeing auras, things would get nasty soon enough.
“Yeah… think so… migraine coming” Sam sighed despondently. He massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers.
Sam was prone to migraines, but he hadn’t had an attack in a pretty long time. They were more recurrent back in the days when he had his visions and during the year when he had discovered all about his psychic abilities. He had quickly found out that they often came with debilitating headaches.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Sam. Anything I can do?”
Dean felt terrible for his brother because he knew just how bad Sam’s attacks could get and he knew how much they stole his brother’s strength. Depending on the severity, they could be on hold for a few days until Sam recovered. They wouldn’t be able to do mostly anything while they’d have to wait for the migraine to pass.
“Just let me sleep tonight and hopefully it’ll be better in the morning. I don’t want to hold us back now that we have a lead on how to kill the Leviathans”
Dean shook his head. “We’ll take all the time you need. You come first. I don’t care about the hunt”
It was Sam’s turn to shake his head. “It’s just a headache, Dean”
But Dean wasn’t dumb and he knew it wasn’t just that. Fuck Sam, why do you always try to act tough?
“No it’s not. We both know it. I’ve seen how they weaken you, Sam”
Sam’s face fell into a look of hurt.
“’m not weak” he murmured. He didn’t want to think of himself as weak and he hoped his brother didn’t see him that way either.
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not you, Sammy. It’s those damn migraines. You’re in pain when you get them” Dean pointed out. He refused to let his brother
think that he deemed him too weak to hunt. It wasn’t even about Sam being strong or not, at all. Truth was those headaches had to hurt like a bitch.
Because Sam was a strong kid and he could handle pain like no one else he knew. But when a migraine hit, his brother could be on his knees within seconds. It had even made him pass out on several occasions. Dean would do anything he could do to help.
Sam shrugged tiredly. The headaches were a part of him and he couldn’t make them go away. He would just have to deal.
Dean took the next exit he found on the highway. He didn’t know when the pain would hit but when it would, he wanted to be ready. Sam didn’t need to be pushed to his limits either. He went inside the motel lobby after they stopped at the first one they found.
When he came back to the car, Sam had propped his forehead up against the cool window. His quick and shallow breathing left little misty clouds on the glass. Dean closed his eyes sadly. The pain had already started. He wished he could have gotten Sam to a bed before it happened.
“Hey kiddo, we’ve got a room now. Wanna move to a more comfortable bed?” Dean asked softly and carefully. He was aware of how sensitive his brother was to any outside stimuli when he was in pain. To prove his point, Sam flinched at the sound of his brother’s voice and cringed at the metallic rattle that resonated from the car door. He then moaned and shifted slowly.
Sam kept his eyes closed despite his body tensing up and his forehead was creased from the pain.
“I’ll get you some painkillers and water as soon as we reach the room. But we have to get there first, okay” Dean went on with a sensitivity he only had when his brother was hurt.
“Hur’s” Sam croaked, his brow knitting.
“I know it does. You can do this, okay. The room is just a few steps away and then I’ll be able to help you into bed, okay?”
“’kay” Sam whispered, letting his brother help him. To Dean, it only testified of his brother’s pain. When Sam let his brother mother hen him without bitching about it, Dean knew he was in serious pain. He dragged his little brother inside where he had to remind himself to be careful with the lights and sounds.
Both affected Sam whenever he had a migraine.
“Sammy?”
“Mmm”
“I need you to close your eyes, okay. I’m gonna turn on the light”
Sam didn’t say anything. He just kept his eyes closed like he’d been asked to. He only got so compliant when he was hurting. Dean almost wished that it were always that easy. He quickly turned on the light in search of a table lamp or anything that wouldn’t burn his brother’s retinas.
Luckily, there was a small lamp on the night table. Dean sat Sam on the edge of the bed so that he could turn on the small light and turn off the big and aggressing one. The beam was subtle and Dean knew that it wouldn’t make the pain go away, but at least it wouldn’t make it worse.
“Okay, buddy. You can open your eyes. Let me get you some water for those painkillers” he announced, darting for the bathroom. He found a plastic glass next to the sink and filled it with cold water. Sam had curled up into a fetal position. Dean still wondered how his brother could manage to look so small.
He pulled his duffel closer and dug in for the painkillers. He found them quickly. Sam buried his face under the pillow so it would muffle the lights and sounds that surrounded him. They were already too much when added to the drumming pain that took place inside his skull in time with the beating of his heart.
“Sammy. C’mon” Dean pressed.
Sam opened one eye enough to see Dean’s extended hands, one of which contained two pills and the other which offered the glass of water.
“Time for your meds”
The youngest propped his head up on the pillow. He didn’t try to get higher or even straighter. He grabbed the pills shakily and slipped them on his tongue before washing them down with a gulp.
“Thanks” he breathed out, his eyes already drooping.
“Yeah, don’t mention it. You gonna sleep in those clothes?”
Sam opened slivers of hazel and stared down his current clothing. He was still dressed up, shoes on and everything. The thought of having to move to actually undress made him cringe.
“Yeah… m’gonna go jus’ like that. ‘night, D’n” he slurred. Dean hated it when his brother was in so much pain he couldn’t even talk straight.
“Here, let me help” Dean started while pushing Sam up. Sam moaned and growled in displeasure.
“Yeah yeah. You can Chewbacca me all you want, but you’re still taking those off” Dean teased with a halfhearted smile. Sometimes he looked at Sam and only saw the teenager his brother had once been, all over again. A grumpy and insubordinate little piece of a messy brother.
“Jerk” Sam mumbled.
Dean smirked. Sam also had a tendency to regress to former ages when he was hurt. He presumed from the bitchfacing and eyerolling that Sam was back to his teenage years now. It would go on for a while as the pain dulled. But Dean was fully expecting the pain to spike at some point and then Sam would hit the curve where he got cuddly like an eight year old all over again.
“Glad to see you’re still that lovely when you’re hurting” Dean teased. He knew Sam didn’t mean it for him to take personally. His brother was just rather bitchy when he was in pain. It was nothing against Dean.
“Fuck you”
Dean snorted. “Yeah. You’re welcome” he retorted half-bitterly.
It seemed to give Sam just enough strength to help himself into the process of getting undressed. He figured his t-shirt and boxers were part of the best attire he could pull off so there was no need for additional effort. He buried himself under the covers and breathed deeply.
Dean studied his brother for a while before figuring out that he wouldn’t get anything more from him. Sam was out cold and snoring lightly when he decided that he didn’t need to get the emergency measures ready. His brother had been through worse. Sure those headaches hurt like a bitch, but after a day or two, they were usually gone and soon forgotten.
The eldest was trying to decide what he was going to do next. Television was out since he didn’t want to wake Sam in the rare times his brother managed to sleep. He wanted to keep the room as silent and dark as he could too. He finally settled on finding a grocery store. He could use some supplies for the next days.
The grocery store wasn’t far from the motel. He started to pace the aisles. What would Sammy want? He figured he’d be a nice big brother if he brought his kid some of his favorite food. Sam might deflate his own bitchy bubble for a while. It was worth a try. Dean found these super expensive cereals that Sam seemed to like so much. He couldn’t understand why, but if it made his brother happy, it was worth every penny.
He picked up stuff to make sandwiches as well. At least they would be able to avoid the restaurants for the next few days. Dean was all aware that crowded places only made the headaches worse and he was ready to lay low on the cheeseburgers for a few days if it meant helping Sam. What wouldn’t he do for this kid?
Dean smiled victoriously when he found the pie. As they say, when you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Cake isn’t pie, Sam. Oh Blaspheme!
“You’re coming with me, baby” Dean said as he picked up the pie to put it in his cart. He got a few strange looks from other customers but he couldn’t care less. “Don’t you worry what people think. You and I, it’s the beginning of something great” Dean continued. If Sam had been there, he would have pretended not to know Dean in shame. Dean snorted at the thought.
Sam was still asleep when he reached the motel. Dean dropped the bags and fumbled through the darkness of the room. He didn’t want to risk opening the light and waking Sam up. He found his bed easily and slipped out of his jeans to rest more comfortably. He was soon asleep.
SNSN
Sam woke up to a dull throb in his head. The pain had abated slightly. He noticed that the drapes were still pulled and the room was dim and quiet. Dean he thought as he eyed the bedroom quickly.
Dean was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the morning paper.
“Dean” Sam rasped softly. Dean immediately looked up from his reading and stared at his haggard looking brother.
“Hey! Mornin’. How’s the head” he asked right away.
Sam frowned and rubbed his temple.
“Better. I think” he tried shakily. Dean was up in a heartbeat.
“Need some water? Lemme get you some aspirin too” he started in a rush. Sam felt overwhelmed.
“Dean, I’m not an invalid. I can take care of myself” Sam complained. Dean knew how Sam could be annoyingly stubborn. It was part of his charm when he was in pain.
“Would you just humor me for a sec? I’m up already, anyway”
Sam closed his eyes and sighed. He didn’t like to be nursed. It made him feel vulnerable and that was a feeling that didn’t fit him well. It made him anxious.
Dean came back quickly with the water and the pills. Sam took them mechanically.
“Thanks” he mumbled after drinking the whole content of the glass. Dean nodded. He didn’t know what he would do if Sam refused his ministrations entirely.
It was his job to do that, after all.
“Let me fix you something to eat, okay? You hungry?” Dean asked quickly. Sam was taken aback by how Dean was up ahead of him and of everything he needed. He didn’t think Dean still had that in him since they were grown up men and Sam always insisted on doing his own thing.
“Not really” Sam admitted. In fact, his stomach felt fragile and rebellious.
“C’mon. I even got this for you” Dean said, picking up the box of cereals. Sam’s eyes widened before softening.
“You turning soft?” he replied. A slight lopsided grin crept up his face.
Dean forced a smile that was obviously sarcastic. “The things I would do for you” he said comically. Sam’s lips turned into a shy smile. He had to admit that Dean was doing great. His brother was good at this. He had just forgotten that part of Dean. Luckily, his big brother was there to remind him.
“Thank you, Dean” Sam said honestly while picking himself up to join his brother at the table.
Dean smiled warmly and winked at his little brother. He pulled out a bowl and poured cereals into it before pushing it in front of his brother. “Bon appétit” he cheered.
Sam smiled back and started eating the cereals. The pain in his head dulled some more and eating did help him feel better. At the end of the meal, Dean cleared his throat and laid his arms firmly on the table, intertwining his fingers together.
“Think you’re ready to get back on the road?”
His eyes were serious. Sam could tell his brother meant business and he wasn’t allowed to lie on this one. His headache wasn’t too bad and he figured it would be gone completely within a few hours.
“Yeah. Let’s get moving”
“You sure?”
Dean was really serious and for a second, Sam felt small under his brother’s scrutiny.
“’f course. Pain’s almost gone”
It wasn’t a lie. Dean breathed deeply and then softened.
“Okay. But if it comes back, you tell me right away”
He wasn’t fooling with Sam’s headaches. They were unpredictable and could put them both in danger if they happened in the middle of a hunt.
“Alright” Sam conceded.
SNSN
They were in the forest when it happened again.
Sam’s pain had dulled until he had forgotten all about it. They’d found out about a possible werewolf and witnesses reported strange activity in the local forest. Dean had been reluctant to check it out since he was apparently the only one whom hadn’t forgotten about the migraine. Sam was adamant when he assured Dean that he was well enough to do this.
Dean should have remembered that Sam wasn’t trustworthy when he was hurt. His brother had a tendency to belittle his own injuries for the sake of the hunt. Fucking overachieving little brothers. Dean was pissed at himself the instant he noticed the flash of pain on his brother’s face.
“Sam, you okay?”
To reply his question, Sam keeled over and retched into the bushes.
“Fuck! I knew we shouldn’t have come!” Dean hollered.
Sam had guilt written all over his tight features. His skin was stretched over his bones from a frown of agony. The pain had rocketed so quickly that he hadn’t seen it coming.
“Thought ‘t was gone, D’. ‘M sorry” Sam slurred through deep breaths. Dean could tell from years of experience that Sam reached an indescribable level of pain when he started slurring his words. He also knew he didn’t have much time if he wanted to bring Sam back to the motel without making too much of a mess.
“It’s okay. We’ll get back to the motel. Can you walk to the car?” Dean asked, instantly shifting to his brother’s side and making sure Sam wouldn’t get lightheaded and fall.
“’r’wolf?” Sam croaked.
“He can fuck himself, for all I care. I’m getting you back to the motel” Dean growled.
Sam leaned into his brother’s comforting weight and breathed deeply. The pain was excruciating.
“Thanks” he mumbled half-consciously over his brother’s shoulder.
“Sure, kiddo. You get some rest” Dean cooed as he tucked his gigantic brother into the passenger seat. He then tossed a pill bottle to his brother’s lap. Sam recognized it as being his own and unscrewed the lid. There, at the bottom of the container, were a couple of pills that were different from the regular brand of painkillers that were supposed to treat his headaches. He had secretly stashed them for the bad days.
Regular painkillers would do the trick to treat the headache. They would numb the pain and chase it like they always did. But something about them made Sam feel sad. They were only regular. As if his pain was only regular. Mundane even.
But it was still pain, all the same. He couldn’t believe some people referred to it as regular. Pain was pain for Christ’s sake! And those people obviously hadn’t been through Hell with the devil himself. Pain is pain, no matter how you classify it.
His skull threatened to split open with another jolt of agony and he decided against the sad regular painkillers. He felt as if the pill he’d take needed to understand how he really felt. How bad it really hurt. That little over-the-counter contestant didn’t know shit about his pain. His head was being torn to pieces, some of it by Satan himself.
Without the shadow of a doubt, he popped the heavy-duty painkiller and closed his eyes. He felt like he could finally breathe and the pill had nothing to do with it. Or maybe it had everything to do with it. He couldn’t think straight anyway.
The bumps in the road jarred at his tensed muscles while his head bobbed on his neck. Every movement sent another stab of pain behind his eyes and all the way down his spine, making the nausea omnipresent. His face blanched. Dean wasn’t oblivious to the whole scene.
“You okay? You’re not going to ruin the upholstery, are you?” Dean asked, casting a sideways glance at his brother while keeping an eye on the road. He’d just cleaned the car and wished to keep it clean at least another couple of days.
“motel…” Sam mumbled, his eyes half-closed. By that, Dean understood that he should get both their asses to the motel as fast as he could if he wanted to keep the car clean.
“Almost there. Hang in there, Sammy” he assured.
Sam seemed to calm at the promise and let his lids droop all the way down. The pill he’d taken was starting to feel effective and an enveloping feeling of bliss filled him. His muscles went slacker as the pain abated along with every other sensation he could have felt. That was until he knew no more.
Some unknown time later, he woke up to a slight shaking in his shoulder. Everything was fuzzy and warm. The world around him was a maze of colors and smells except for that pair of greens. He could see that one clearly. His mouth felt like cotton and the words wouldn’t come together coherently so he didn’t try to speak.
A voice reached his ears and he pushed his hazy mind to focus. He really just wanted to focus on what the voice said. It was familiar and comforting.
“Sammy? You with me? Ready to go inside, bud?”
He blinked a few times, albeit sluggishly, until the haze faded from his vision. He finally nodded. The words also came to make sense as reality came back to him in droplets.
“D’n”
He blinked up at his brother.
Dean was met with glassy hazel eyes when he ventured to help pull his brother up. Sam was hardly coherent and his eyes kept drifting.
“Let’s get you in bed. Work with me, please”
Sam nodded slowly. “D’n” he repeated like a mantra. Maybe if he focused on the name, he could hold on to this reality just a little while longer.
“Yeah, Sammy. Your awesome brother is here. You ready to stand?”
“Think so” Sam mumbled. He was focusing a little more.
“On three” Dean started and Sam counted with him. They pushed at three and Sam was swaying on his feet the next second.
“Whoa whoa, I got ya” Dean assured, holding the hems of Sam’s coat steadily.
“You’re short” Sam blurted out. A soft grin slipped up his lips. Dean studied his brother intensely.
“What the hell did you take for that headache, you jackass?!”
Sam snorted.
“Head feels better” he admitted, feeling loopier than before. Dean rolled his eyes.
“’Course you do. You’re so fucking high you wouldn’t feel it if the sky was falling on you!”
Sam giggled to prove Dean’s point.
“Were, D’n” he corrected. Dean rolled his eyes. “…and the sky’s not fallin’! ‘ts the ground that’s movin’ towards the sky” Sam finished, his mouth gaping as the ground felt indeed closer to his face. The feeling only intensified. Dean caught his brother in time when Sam almost collapsed. Not that the youngest would have felt any pain at that point but he might have woken up with the hell of a black eye.
“Yeah okay. How ‘bout we run and hide in the motel room before it catches us, hm?” Dean tried. Sam nodded with wide eyes.
“Ruuuuuuuuuuun Dean” Sam sang. Dean had to bite back a chuckle.
“And let you out here all by yourself? C’mon I’m not that cruel” Dean teased. Sam clung to his neck like a monkey clung to its branch.
“Nah, you’re the best, Dean”
Dean turned his head in time to see the loopy grin on his brother’s face. He’d been right. His brother did regress when he was in pain. He could only assume that Sam was a couple of feet too tall away from being his eight year old self again. Back in those days, Dean was his brother’s superhero and nothing could come between them if Dean couldn’t have his say-so in the matter.
He wished things were that simple again. Sam had had blind trust in him when they were kids.
Dean could only watch in amazement as his 27 year old little brother allowed his big brother to manhandle him to bed. There it was. That blind trust was still there. Sam was definitely bigger but he still trusted his brother with his life. Dean wondered when it was that he’d stopped seeing that between them.
But there it was now; clear as day. Sam still trusted him with his life. Sam, despite how broken he was inside and despite the way he feared the whole world around him, still let Dean in. He still comforted himself in his big brother’s touch whenever nightmares or wounds plagued him. Dean had the power to make it all go away.
He would honor that confidence his brother had in him.
And right now, Dean has a hell-broken brother to take care of.
Sam can trust him. Dean will make sure of that
Author: Lauehime
Rating: Mature (this one is kinda soft though)
Genre/pairing: H/C, Angst, Family, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: +/- 5,200
Warnings: Some cussing, illegal use of legal drugs, plotless schmoop
Summary: Sam has a migraine and Dean takes care of him.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
Bobby had done it. He’d found a way to kill the Leviathans. It had been a pure coincidence that Sheriff Mills happened to use a product made out of Borax to mop the floor, right above the basement where Bobby kept his captive on lock down. They found out this component worked like acid on the monsters.
Dean was ecstatic at their new discovery. They had just hunted a pair or Leviathans and the soap made out of Borax actually worked against them. The eldest couldn’t believe it until he saw the bodies burning and smiled at his victory. They had found something at last. He launched for the monsters’ throats and cut them both open. They’d just have to bury the parts to different places and no one would hear of those monsters ever again.
As they drove back to the motel, Dean was rambling proudly about how he’d separated the heads and bodies of those suckers. Sam only listened and nodded occasionally. His gaze was fixed in front of him, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what he was seeing.
“I swear I felt like a samurai from one of those Asian movies. Dude, we should find ourselves some nice Katanas!” Dean exclaimed excitedly.
“Mmhmm” Sam mumbled, squinting at the headlights that came towards them on the road. Something felt off but he wasn’t sure what, just yet.
“Well, thanks for your interest, Sammy” Dean blurted out sarcastically. He could tell that his brother was hardly listening and only approving to avoid giving actual answers. Moans didn’t make for elaborate conversations and Dean was getting somewhat tired of that.
Sam kept staring out the windshield and blinked whenever they rolled under a lamp post.
“Sam?” Dean asked firmly. Something was nagging at him too.
Sam had been alright for a while. At least, Dean thought his brother was. Lucifer didn’t seem to be around too much because Sam didn’t complain about it anymore. He was sleeping a little more too. It wasn’t a lot, but Dean contemplated small mercies with bliss. But at that moment, Sam appeared to be off.
As if on cue, Sam flinched at the sound of his brother’s voice and turned his head sharply into its direction. Dean came face to face with dull hazel eyes.
Sam’s eyebrows were up in surprise as if he had just realized his brother’s presence.
“Yeah?” the youngest breathed out. He was obviously clueless and Dean was puzzled.
“You okay? I mean… as of late you’re doing… good? Are you?”
Sam blinked. He was trying to figure out what it was that Dean wanted to know.
“Good as in not seeing Lucifer? Yeah he hasn’t been around much” he replied. It was the truth. Lucifer came out only every once in a while and Sam had a tendency to try to not remain sober when it happened. The devil got bored rather quickly when Sam was too loopy to even hold himself up.
Dean nodded. “That’s good, right? So he’s not here right now?”
Sam shook his head. He quickly made a nervous check, in case Lucifer was hiding somewhere. But the car came back angel free.
“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours” Dean requested. If Lucifer wasn’t around to torment his brother, why was the kid still spacing out and hardly listening to him. Was there something else that Sam wasn’t telling him?
Sam studied Dean’s face for a few seconds before his eyes rested on the scar on his palm. It had started to heal a little more since the cut was hardly useful these days. Lucifer was a persistent son of a gun and he wasn’t interested in Sam’s little scar digging. It hardly fazed him anymore.
But fortunately for Sam, Satan wasn’t around this time. He wasn’t stuck in some vivid Technicolor memory of his time in the cage either. It was something else entirely that felt different. The world around him seemed hazy and there was this incessant buzzing in his ears that wouldn’t leave him alone.
“Is the answer coming anytime this year?” Dean added when Sam snapped back to reality after realizing that he’d been into his head for long minutes. He hadn’t even caught on the fact that he had been gone that long until he checked the clock on the dashboard radio.
“Sorry, Dean… it’s just… I don’t know. My head feels fuzzy” Sam admitted. It was the truth for as far as he could tell. He didn’t know how else he could describe it.
“Did you knock your gourd during the hunt? Do you feel concussed or somethin’?”
Dean was already going through triage and Sam had to shake his head to keep his brother from going further through his list of possible conditions. He regretted it when a slight bout of vertigo assaulted him.
“No I didn’t hurt myself. It’s not like that. I just feel… off”
Dean frowned. That didn’t sound comforting. Was his brother going to trip down another reality or something? Maybe the whole hallucination thing was really doing something to his brother’s brain.
“That s’posed to make me feel better?” Dean asked. He wasn’t convinced at all.
“You asked for it. I’m just giving you the truth. You said you wanted me to open up, well that was me opening up”
Dean pinched the bridge of his nose while cocking his head to the side. His brother could be a real smartass sometimes. He wondered who he’d inherited this from. Probably from John. Right. Of course there was no one that came from him. Oh hell no!
“Okay. But can’t you be more specific?” Dean tried. He really wanted to get to something, but he wouldn’t be able to do it without Sam’s help. And who knew Sam better than Sam himself?
Sam huffed and shrugged. He really was trying, but his brain refused to collaborate.
“I’m trying. I really am. But I’m having a hard time thinking straight right now. I think I’m too tired” Sam confessed. It was true all the same. He really was tired.
A car came up on the other lane, racing towards them and when Sam turned to look at it, shards of light exploded across his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut and hid his face into his chest with a moan. Dean’s eyes widened at his brother’s sudden reaction. He had no idea where that came from, but it scared him none the less.
“Sam? Hey, what’s wrong? Sammy?”
Sam pulled his head back up and opened his eyes cautiously. When he made sure he wouldn’t be blinded again, he allowed himself to pull his lids up and look at Dean with a pained frown.
“What is it?” Dean shot, worried by his brother’s sorrowful look.
“The lights… they’re too fucking bright. It hurts.” To prove his point, he squinted at the street lights that lined the side of the road.
“It’s like every little beam sparkles to life and it hurts just to look at them”
Dean sighed. He had a vague idea of what this meant, but he was pretty sure that Sam too was all aware of what was happening to him at this point.
“Is this what I think it is?” Dean murmured, trying to keep his voice quiet. If Sam was indeed seeing auras, things would get nasty soon enough.
“Yeah… think so… migraine coming” Sam sighed despondently. He massaged his temples with the tips of his fingers.
Sam was prone to migraines, but he hadn’t had an attack in a pretty long time. They were more recurrent back in the days when he had his visions and during the year when he had discovered all about his psychic abilities. He had quickly found out that they often came with debilitating headaches.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Sam. Anything I can do?”
Dean felt terrible for his brother because he knew just how bad Sam’s attacks could get and he knew how much they stole his brother’s strength. Depending on the severity, they could be on hold for a few days until Sam recovered. They wouldn’t be able to do mostly anything while they’d have to wait for the migraine to pass.
“Just let me sleep tonight and hopefully it’ll be better in the morning. I don’t want to hold us back now that we have a lead on how to kill the Leviathans”
Dean shook his head. “We’ll take all the time you need. You come first. I don’t care about the hunt”
It was Sam’s turn to shake his head. “It’s just a headache, Dean”
But Dean wasn’t dumb and he knew it wasn’t just that. Fuck Sam, why do you always try to act tough?
“No it’s not. We both know it. I’ve seen how they weaken you, Sam”
Sam’s face fell into a look of hurt.
“’m not weak” he murmured. He didn’t want to think of himself as weak and he hoped his brother didn’t see him that way either.
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not you, Sammy. It’s those damn migraines. You’re in pain when you get them” Dean pointed out. He refused to let his brother
think that he deemed him too weak to hunt. It wasn’t even about Sam being strong or not, at all. Truth was those headaches had to hurt like a bitch.
Because Sam was a strong kid and he could handle pain like no one else he knew. But when a migraine hit, his brother could be on his knees within seconds. It had even made him pass out on several occasions. Dean would do anything he could do to help.
Sam shrugged tiredly. The headaches were a part of him and he couldn’t make them go away. He would just have to deal.
Dean took the next exit he found on the highway. He didn’t know when the pain would hit but when it would, he wanted to be ready. Sam didn’t need to be pushed to his limits either. He went inside the motel lobby after they stopped at the first one they found.
When he came back to the car, Sam had propped his forehead up against the cool window. His quick and shallow breathing left little misty clouds on the glass. Dean closed his eyes sadly. The pain had already started. He wished he could have gotten Sam to a bed before it happened.
“Hey kiddo, we’ve got a room now. Wanna move to a more comfortable bed?” Dean asked softly and carefully. He was aware of how sensitive his brother was to any outside stimuli when he was in pain. To prove his point, Sam flinched at the sound of his brother’s voice and cringed at the metallic rattle that resonated from the car door. He then moaned and shifted slowly.
Sam kept his eyes closed despite his body tensing up and his forehead was creased from the pain.
“I’ll get you some painkillers and water as soon as we reach the room. But we have to get there first, okay” Dean went on with a sensitivity he only had when his brother was hurt.
“Hur’s” Sam croaked, his brow knitting.
“I know it does. You can do this, okay. The room is just a few steps away and then I’ll be able to help you into bed, okay?”
“’kay” Sam whispered, letting his brother help him. To Dean, it only testified of his brother’s pain. When Sam let his brother mother hen him without bitching about it, Dean knew he was in serious pain. He dragged his little brother inside where he had to remind himself to be careful with the lights and sounds.
Both affected Sam whenever he had a migraine.
“Sammy?”
“Mmm”
“I need you to close your eyes, okay. I’m gonna turn on the light”
Sam didn’t say anything. He just kept his eyes closed like he’d been asked to. He only got so compliant when he was hurting. Dean almost wished that it were always that easy. He quickly turned on the light in search of a table lamp or anything that wouldn’t burn his brother’s retinas.
Luckily, there was a small lamp on the night table. Dean sat Sam on the edge of the bed so that he could turn on the small light and turn off the big and aggressing one. The beam was subtle and Dean knew that it wouldn’t make the pain go away, but at least it wouldn’t make it worse.
“Okay, buddy. You can open your eyes. Let me get you some water for those painkillers” he announced, darting for the bathroom. He found a plastic glass next to the sink and filled it with cold water. Sam had curled up into a fetal position. Dean still wondered how his brother could manage to look so small.
He pulled his duffel closer and dug in for the painkillers. He found them quickly. Sam buried his face under the pillow so it would muffle the lights and sounds that surrounded him. They were already too much when added to the drumming pain that took place inside his skull in time with the beating of his heart.
“Sammy. C’mon” Dean pressed.
Sam opened one eye enough to see Dean’s extended hands, one of which contained two pills and the other which offered the glass of water.
“Time for your meds”
The youngest propped his head up on the pillow. He didn’t try to get higher or even straighter. He grabbed the pills shakily and slipped them on his tongue before washing them down with a gulp.
“Thanks” he breathed out, his eyes already drooping.
“Yeah, don’t mention it. You gonna sleep in those clothes?”
Sam opened slivers of hazel and stared down his current clothing. He was still dressed up, shoes on and everything. The thought of having to move to actually undress made him cringe.
“Yeah… m’gonna go jus’ like that. ‘night, D’n” he slurred. Dean hated it when his brother was in so much pain he couldn’t even talk straight.
“Here, let me help” Dean started while pushing Sam up. Sam moaned and growled in displeasure.
“Yeah yeah. You can Chewbacca me all you want, but you’re still taking those off” Dean teased with a halfhearted smile. Sometimes he looked at Sam and only saw the teenager his brother had once been, all over again. A grumpy and insubordinate little piece of a messy brother.
“Jerk” Sam mumbled.
Dean smirked. Sam also had a tendency to regress to former ages when he was hurt. He presumed from the bitchfacing and eyerolling that Sam was back to his teenage years now. It would go on for a while as the pain dulled. But Dean was fully expecting the pain to spike at some point and then Sam would hit the curve where he got cuddly like an eight year old all over again.
“Glad to see you’re still that lovely when you’re hurting” Dean teased. He knew Sam didn’t mean it for him to take personally. His brother was just rather bitchy when he was in pain. It was nothing against Dean.
“Fuck you”
Dean snorted. “Yeah. You’re welcome” he retorted half-bitterly.
It seemed to give Sam just enough strength to help himself into the process of getting undressed. He figured his t-shirt and boxers were part of the best attire he could pull off so there was no need for additional effort. He buried himself under the covers and breathed deeply.
Dean studied his brother for a while before figuring out that he wouldn’t get anything more from him. Sam was out cold and snoring lightly when he decided that he didn’t need to get the emergency measures ready. His brother had been through worse. Sure those headaches hurt like a bitch, but after a day or two, they were usually gone and soon forgotten.
The eldest was trying to decide what he was going to do next. Television was out since he didn’t want to wake Sam in the rare times his brother managed to sleep. He wanted to keep the room as silent and dark as he could too. He finally settled on finding a grocery store. He could use some supplies for the next days.
The grocery store wasn’t far from the motel. He started to pace the aisles. What would Sammy want? He figured he’d be a nice big brother if he brought his kid some of his favorite food. Sam might deflate his own bitchy bubble for a while. It was worth a try. Dean found these super expensive cereals that Sam seemed to like so much. He couldn’t understand why, but if it made his brother happy, it was worth every penny.
He picked up stuff to make sandwiches as well. At least they would be able to avoid the restaurants for the next few days. Dean was all aware that crowded places only made the headaches worse and he was ready to lay low on the cheeseburgers for a few days if it meant helping Sam. What wouldn’t he do for this kid?
Dean smiled victoriously when he found the pie. As they say, when you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Cake isn’t pie, Sam. Oh Blaspheme!
“You’re coming with me, baby” Dean said as he picked up the pie to put it in his cart. He got a few strange looks from other customers but he couldn’t care less. “Don’t you worry what people think. You and I, it’s the beginning of something great” Dean continued. If Sam had been there, he would have pretended not to know Dean in shame. Dean snorted at the thought.
Sam was still asleep when he reached the motel. Dean dropped the bags and fumbled through the darkness of the room. He didn’t want to risk opening the light and waking Sam up. He found his bed easily and slipped out of his jeans to rest more comfortably. He was soon asleep.
SNSN
Sam woke up to a dull throb in his head. The pain had abated slightly. He noticed that the drapes were still pulled and the room was dim and quiet. Dean he thought as he eyed the bedroom quickly.
Dean was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the morning paper.
“Dean” Sam rasped softly. Dean immediately looked up from his reading and stared at his haggard looking brother.
“Hey! Mornin’. How’s the head” he asked right away.
Sam frowned and rubbed his temple.
“Better. I think” he tried shakily. Dean was up in a heartbeat.
“Need some water? Lemme get you some aspirin too” he started in a rush. Sam felt overwhelmed.
“Dean, I’m not an invalid. I can take care of myself” Sam complained. Dean knew how Sam could be annoyingly stubborn. It was part of his charm when he was in pain.
“Would you just humor me for a sec? I’m up already, anyway”
Sam closed his eyes and sighed. He didn’t like to be nursed. It made him feel vulnerable and that was a feeling that didn’t fit him well. It made him anxious.
Dean came back quickly with the water and the pills. Sam took them mechanically.
“Thanks” he mumbled after drinking the whole content of the glass. Dean nodded. He didn’t know what he would do if Sam refused his ministrations entirely.
It was his job to do that, after all.
“Let me fix you something to eat, okay? You hungry?” Dean asked quickly. Sam was taken aback by how Dean was up ahead of him and of everything he needed. He didn’t think Dean still had that in him since they were grown up men and Sam always insisted on doing his own thing.
“Not really” Sam admitted. In fact, his stomach felt fragile and rebellious.
“C’mon. I even got this for you” Dean said, picking up the box of cereals. Sam’s eyes widened before softening.
“You turning soft?” he replied. A slight lopsided grin crept up his face.
Dean forced a smile that was obviously sarcastic. “The things I would do for you” he said comically. Sam’s lips turned into a shy smile. He had to admit that Dean was doing great. His brother was good at this. He had just forgotten that part of Dean. Luckily, his big brother was there to remind him.
“Thank you, Dean” Sam said honestly while picking himself up to join his brother at the table.
Dean smiled warmly and winked at his little brother. He pulled out a bowl and poured cereals into it before pushing it in front of his brother. “Bon appétit” he cheered.
Sam smiled back and started eating the cereals. The pain in his head dulled some more and eating did help him feel better. At the end of the meal, Dean cleared his throat and laid his arms firmly on the table, intertwining his fingers together.
“Think you’re ready to get back on the road?”
His eyes were serious. Sam could tell his brother meant business and he wasn’t allowed to lie on this one. His headache wasn’t too bad and he figured it would be gone completely within a few hours.
“Yeah. Let’s get moving”
“You sure?”
Dean was really serious and for a second, Sam felt small under his brother’s scrutiny.
“’f course. Pain’s almost gone”
It wasn’t a lie. Dean breathed deeply and then softened.
“Okay. But if it comes back, you tell me right away”
He wasn’t fooling with Sam’s headaches. They were unpredictable and could put them both in danger if they happened in the middle of a hunt.
“Alright” Sam conceded.
SNSN
They were in the forest when it happened again.
Sam’s pain had dulled until he had forgotten all about it. They’d found out about a possible werewolf and witnesses reported strange activity in the local forest. Dean had been reluctant to check it out since he was apparently the only one whom hadn’t forgotten about the migraine. Sam was adamant when he assured Dean that he was well enough to do this.
Dean should have remembered that Sam wasn’t trustworthy when he was hurt. His brother had a tendency to belittle his own injuries for the sake of the hunt. Fucking overachieving little brothers. Dean was pissed at himself the instant he noticed the flash of pain on his brother’s face.
“Sam, you okay?”
To reply his question, Sam keeled over and retched into the bushes.
“Fuck! I knew we shouldn’t have come!” Dean hollered.
Sam had guilt written all over his tight features. His skin was stretched over his bones from a frown of agony. The pain had rocketed so quickly that he hadn’t seen it coming.
“Thought ‘t was gone, D’. ‘M sorry” Sam slurred through deep breaths. Dean could tell from years of experience that Sam reached an indescribable level of pain when he started slurring his words. He also knew he didn’t have much time if he wanted to bring Sam back to the motel without making too much of a mess.
“It’s okay. We’ll get back to the motel. Can you walk to the car?” Dean asked, instantly shifting to his brother’s side and making sure Sam wouldn’t get lightheaded and fall.
“’r’wolf?” Sam croaked.
“He can fuck himself, for all I care. I’m getting you back to the motel” Dean growled.
Sam leaned into his brother’s comforting weight and breathed deeply. The pain was excruciating.
“Thanks” he mumbled half-consciously over his brother’s shoulder.
“Sure, kiddo. You get some rest” Dean cooed as he tucked his gigantic brother into the passenger seat. He then tossed a pill bottle to his brother’s lap. Sam recognized it as being his own and unscrewed the lid. There, at the bottom of the container, were a couple of pills that were different from the regular brand of painkillers that were supposed to treat his headaches. He had secretly stashed them for the bad days.
Regular painkillers would do the trick to treat the headache. They would numb the pain and chase it like they always did. But something about them made Sam feel sad. They were only regular. As if his pain was only regular. Mundane even.
But it was still pain, all the same. He couldn’t believe some people referred to it as regular. Pain was pain for Christ’s sake! And those people obviously hadn’t been through Hell with the devil himself. Pain is pain, no matter how you classify it.
His skull threatened to split open with another jolt of agony and he decided against the sad regular painkillers. He felt as if the pill he’d take needed to understand how he really felt. How bad it really hurt. That little over-the-counter contestant didn’t know shit about his pain. His head was being torn to pieces, some of it by Satan himself.
Without the shadow of a doubt, he popped the heavy-duty painkiller and closed his eyes. He felt like he could finally breathe and the pill had nothing to do with it. Or maybe it had everything to do with it. He couldn’t think straight anyway.
The bumps in the road jarred at his tensed muscles while his head bobbed on his neck. Every movement sent another stab of pain behind his eyes and all the way down his spine, making the nausea omnipresent. His face blanched. Dean wasn’t oblivious to the whole scene.
“You okay? You’re not going to ruin the upholstery, are you?” Dean asked, casting a sideways glance at his brother while keeping an eye on the road. He’d just cleaned the car and wished to keep it clean at least another couple of days.
“motel…” Sam mumbled, his eyes half-closed. By that, Dean understood that he should get both their asses to the motel as fast as he could if he wanted to keep the car clean.
“Almost there. Hang in there, Sammy” he assured.
Sam seemed to calm at the promise and let his lids droop all the way down. The pill he’d taken was starting to feel effective and an enveloping feeling of bliss filled him. His muscles went slacker as the pain abated along with every other sensation he could have felt. That was until he knew no more.
Some unknown time later, he woke up to a slight shaking in his shoulder. Everything was fuzzy and warm. The world around him was a maze of colors and smells except for that pair of greens. He could see that one clearly. His mouth felt like cotton and the words wouldn’t come together coherently so he didn’t try to speak.
A voice reached his ears and he pushed his hazy mind to focus. He really just wanted to focus on what the voice said. It was familiar and comforting.
“Sammy? You with me? Ready to go inside, bud?”
He blinked a few times, albeit sluggishly, until the haze faded from his vision. He finally nodded. The words also came to make sense as reality came back to him in droplets.
“D’n”
He blinked up at his brother.
Dean was met with glassy hazel eyes when he ventured to help pull his brother up. Sam was hardly coherent and his eyes kept drifting.
“Let’s get you in bed. Work with me, please”
Sam nodded slowly. “D’n” he repeated like a mantra. Maybe if he focused on the name, he could hold on to this reality just a little while longer.
“Yeah, Sammy. Your awesome brother is here. You ready to stand?”
“Think so” Sam mumbled. He was focusing a little more.
“On three” Dean started and Sam counted with him. They pushed at three and Sam was swaying on his feet the next second.
“Whoa whoa, I got ya” Dean assured, holding the hems of Sam’s coat steadily.
“You’re short” Sam blurted out. A soft grin slipped up his lips. Dean studied his brother intensely.
“What the hell did you take for that headache, you jackass?!”
Sam snorted.
“Head feels better” he admitted, feeling loopier than before. Dean rolled his eyes.
“’Course you do. You’re so fucking high you wouldn’t feel it if the sky was falling on you!”
Sam giggled to prove Dean’s point.
“Were, D’n” he corrected. Dean rolled his eyes. “…and the sky’s not fallin’! ‘ts the ground that’s movin’ towards the sky” Sam finished, his mouth gaping as the ground felt indeed closer to his face. The feeling only intensified. Dean caught his brother in time when Sam almost collapsed. Not that the youngest would have felt any pain at that point but he might have woken up with the hell of a black eye.
“Yeah okay. How ‘bout we run and hide in the motel room before it catches us, hm?” Dean tried. Sam nodded with wide eyes.
“Ruuuuuuuuuuun Dean” Sam sang. Dean had to bite back a chuckle.
“And let you out here all by yourself? C’mon I’m not that cruel” Dean teased. Sam clung to his neck like a monkey clung to its branch.
“Nah, you’re the best, Dean”
Dean turned his head in time to see the loopy grin on his brother’s face. He’d been right. His brother did regress when he was in pain. He could only assume that Sam was a couple of feet too tall away from being his eight year old self again. Back in those days, Dean was his brother’s superhero and nothing could come between them if Dean couldn’t have his say-so in the matter.
He wished things were that simple again. Sam had had blind trust in him when they were kids.
Dean could only watch in amazement as his 27 year old little brother allowed his big brother to manhandle him to bed. There it was. That blind trust was still there. Sam was definitely bigger but he still trusted his brother with his life. Dean wondered when it was that he’d stopped seeing that between them.
But there it was now; clear as day. Sam still trusted him with his life. Sam, despite how broken he was inside and despite the way he feared the whole world around him, still let Dean in. He still comforted himself in his big brother’s touch whenever nightmares or wounds plagued him. Dean had the power to make it all go away.
He would honor that confidence his brother had in him.
And right now, Dean has a hell-broken brother to take care of.
Sam can trust him. Dean will make sure of that