Underneath a Stretching Skyline verse #06 : Like a Soul Kneeling for Peace
Title: Like a Soul Kneeling for Peace, verse # 06
Author: LaueHime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: Angst, H/C, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, OC, hints of Lucifer
Word count: +/- 2,900
Warnings: Some cussing, sexual content (not too graphic), implied sexual abuse (though it is not mentioned)
Summary: Dean thinks he knows what would make his brother feel better. He doesn’t realize how wrong he’s been until he sees Sam.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
“Dude, come on! How long’s it been?” Dean pressed. He wasn’t letting his brother out of this one.
“Shut up, Dean” Sam snarled. His jaw was shut tight.
Dean didn’t seem to care.
“It’ll do you some good. C’mon! Man up! It’s your chance to get laid”. He was grinning blissfully. As if that was something Sam would do! Of all things! He didn’t do one night only with random girls. But Dean was pushing.
“Do you even care about me at all? I said no, Dean”. Sam was a step away from seething.
The thing is, they were at the bar and Sam already had a few shots down, but not enough to make him lose his principles. And then there was this girl. She had spotted Sam right away and started hovering around. Dean had winked and thrown thumbs-ups in his brother’s direction while Sam remained indifferent.
Dean visibly deflated because “Fuck Sam! Of course I care! Why do you think I’m doing this in the first place?! Booze is only that much useful until you get yourself a natural shot of endorphins… trust me, it’s the best and most effective free drug”. He gave his brother a blithe spirited wink.
Sam rolled his eyes. He was feeling rather grim. That had been going on for a few days. Lucifer hadn’t even joined the party. Sam had actually worked hard to prevent it, juicing himself up before the devil could even try to make his entrance. Satan had tried, but when Sam was really into it, he was so canned that there was nothing fun to torture him with anymore. Try haunting an empty shell… Satan was cruel but still, his pride had limits.
That didn’t count the nights Sam fumbled through his brother’s duffel for the pills he had grown to endure. His brother had offered them up to him when Sam first came back from the cage and when said brother was afraid that his memories would break his wall. Sam felt sorry for Dean. His wall had broken and now that he was assaulted by those memories, he felt stupid for refusing the pills back then. He found out that they were about the only thing that could abate the pain from his nightmares. Not even Dean could understand…
Sam snapped back to reality when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Right. Dean. The bar. The girl.
She was staring up at him with glistening eyes. Her crimson lips were pulled into a craving smile. She bit her bottom lip softly, staring his face up and down.
“Ready to blow this joint? It’s getting crowded in here and there’s not enough room for you and me… if you know what I mean” she winked playfully.
Sam smiled awkwardly and his eyes drifted to the side where Dean was. He was hoping for his brother to get him out of that situation, but Dean looked like he was about to agree with the girl and kick the both of them out of the bar. He motioned for Sam to go and blew him a kiss. Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to the girl. His smile was crooked.
“Sure. Let’s go” he replied half-heartedly. He had given up the fight. As long as it kept the devil away, he didn’t care. He thought how his soulless self would have just gone already. If only he could be more like him sometimes… if he didn’t have to hurt and think everything through before moving…
He let the girl - wait her name was Cherry - what kind of a name is that? - lead them both to her place. Sam dragged his enormous and heavy feet behind her until they reached the small apartment. She pulled him inside with a greedy smile. Sam tried to show her some fervor but it didn’t come out right, even to him. She didn’t seem to care.
“How come you’re so handsome yet so shy?” she asked, plopping with him on the couch. She sat on his knees and faced him, cupping his face with her tiny warm fingers. Sam let out a nervous laugh and smiled shakily. It didn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m not that kind of guy, you know…” he started shyly.
She frowned only slightly and started pushing the strands of hair away from his eyes.
“Neither am I. But why not?” Her voice was warm. Her breath kissed his face. She leaned in closer. He could feel her brown locks brush against his cheek. Her soft lips kissed the side of his neck. He closed his eyes. Somewhere inside of him, the man that still lived down there was rousing.
She pressed her body closer to his and he let his hands wander nervously before wrapping them around her hips. He actually heard her smile against his temple. He couldn’t repress the soft moan that escaped his lips. No matter how screwed up he was, he was still a man after all. A man with needs. He pulled her closer, his gigantic hands pressing against her back.
She pulled her head back and cupped his face again, looking straight into his eyes.
“Are you a soldier?” she asked suddenly. He frowned softly and shook his head. “Because your eyes… there is this depth to them… I don’t know, I thought… maybe…”
He shrugged. “I protect people. That’s what I do” he admitted. She nodded and felt the tight muscles of his arms.
“Isn’t it hard? Do you sometimes feel like you’re the one who’d need to be protected?” she asked; a spark of understanding in her eyes. Sam nodded softly. He didn’t know why he was being so open, but it didn’t feel wrong. Of course he wouldn’t tell her all about hunting, but still.
There were some details he could get off his chest.
“Sam” she whispered. A smile crept up her lips. “You’re safe here” she added. He looked at her with new found envy. “Kiss me” she demanded.
He kissed her. Shyly at first, but with more vigor after only mere seconds. She pressed her body against his and grabbed his shirt by the bottom rim. She pulled it over his head and deepened her kiss. Sam didn’t break the contact. Actually he leaned into it. He pulled her shirt off and over her head. Her bra didn’t resist for much longer either.
She pulled him up and dragged him to her bedroom, losing the last clothing they had on the way. They let themselves fall on the bed. They intertwined until they made only one. Sam was sweating and moaning. He heard her moans and smiled. He was still a man after all.
You sure you’re doing this right?
Sam’s eyes snapped open. They were alone in the room; no traces of the devil, but still.
I’m in your head, remember? I’m inside you, Sam. While you are inside… her.
The devil chuckled. Sam’s blood froze. He was fixed like a statue.
“Sam?” he heard, but didn’t pay too much attention.
Remember, Sammy. Remember.
A flash of light invaded his brain and blinded him to the world. He felt the heat against his skin and the pain. The pain of ripping flesh was too real. Smoke choked him and he couldn’t breathe. His body started trembling from the lack of oxygen. He heard screams, but he was falling inside a black hole and there was nothing to hold him and bring him back to the surface.
Cherry froze as Sam started staring into space as if he had blacked out completely. He didn’t reply her calls either. She heard his breathing pick up and she felt him trembling. “Oh my god! Sam?” she called, panic gripping her. His eyes were open, but he didn’t see.
“SAM! What’s going on?”
She shook him, but nothing happened. He suddenly slumped on the bed and started whimpering.
“What the fuck?” she cried out. Sam had curled into a ball and rocked himself back and forth.
She ran to her phone and was ready to call for help when the rocking stopped. Sam just went still. She dropped the phone reluctantly and pulled a night robe on. She carefully stepped forward and put her hand to his shoulder.
She jumped in surprise when Sam jerked awake.
“Thank god! I was just about to call the emergency department” she exclaimed.
Sam blinked sluggishly and looked around the room in confusion. He came to realize that he was naked in the bedroom of some girl he didn’t even know. Memories rushed back to him. Fuck.
“Are you okay?” Cherry asked shakily.
Sam shook his head desperately. He wanted to cry. He wanted to get up and destroy everything. He felt ashamed. He felt broken. He felt dirty.
He found that his breath was caught in his throat and nothing was going to get past it. Without a word he throttled towards his clothes.
“Hey! Aren’t you going to say something?”
Sam stopped and turned to her. His eyes were filled with unspoken pain.
“I’m… I’m sorry… I should’ve never… please just… forget about me” he begged, his voice incredibly soft.
“But Sam” she started. He shook his head violently.
“Don’t. Goodbye” he said almost running out the door.
“You can’t drive like this” she pointed out.
Sam kept on shaking his head and disappeared behind the front door. She sighed sadly and sat at the edge of her bed. “What the fuck just happened”
SNSNSNSN
Dean was flipping through the channels. There wasn’t much on, but he didn’t want to go under before his brother’s glorious return. He was glad that Sam had actually agreed to go out with someone. He thought it would do his brother some good to see that women were still attracted to him. Besides, Sam needed some company outside of Bobby or himself. His brother had been the social one before.
But Dean couldn’t deny that Hell had messed his brother up. He’d been messed up too from his time and really, Sam’s must’ve been a lot worse. He couldn’t blame his brother for having a hard time dealing, but he hoped that getting out would do his brother some good. Lucifer was messing him up enough as it was.
He heard some noise behind the front door, but it was so subtle that he might not have noticed, hadn’t he been a hunter and a vigilant big brother. He was expecting a blushing little brother who’d laugh his way inside the room and bark at him to shut the hell up and mind his own business. He grinned readily.
But what he saw killed the smile off of his face.
Sam entered shakily. Honest to God, Dean thought his brother looked sick. Sam was pale and sweaty and his eyes were dark abysses of pain. He stood up instinctively and walked to his brother.
“Sam?” His voice was leaking concern.
Sam didn’t look up. He looked like he wanted to crawl through the cracks on the floor.
“Sammy?” Dean asked, his worry meter taking on a few additional notches. He went to put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, but as soon as his fingers brushed the fabric of his brother’s coat, Sam pulled away violently, wrapping his arms around his middle.
“Hey, Sam! What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Dean’s eyes were wide with fear. Sam started shaking. He kept his head bowed so that his bangs covered his eyes. He simply stood there and shivered.
“Sammy, c’mon man. Talk to me. Please!” The eldest was ready to cry. He’d never seen his brother that broken before.
Sam dropped to the ground and wrapped his arms around his legs. He rested his forehead against his knees and Dean could hear his ragged breaths. Softly, he sat next to his brother and waited. The way Sam had flinched away from him had hurt him, but he couldn’t blame his
brother for it. Eventually, he decided to try again. Maybe Sam wouldn’t be so jumpy this time.
Dean slowly guided his hand. He softly dropped it on his brother’s shoulder. Sam didn’t look up, but he didn’t flinch away either. Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. Sam unwrapped his arms from his legs and instinctively pushed himself into his brother’s side.
Dean was taken aback from his brother’s sudden cuddliness, but Sam looked like he needed it and he didn’t have the heart in him to deny him that. Instead, he wrapped his arm around his brother’s shoulder. Sam pushed his head into the crook of Dean’s neck and Dean laid his head so that it rested on the top of his brother’s.
“Shhh… it’s okay. I’ve got you, Sammy. I’m gonna take care of you” Dean whispered softly for his brother to hear. He felt Sam lean deeper into his arms. He wrapped his arms tighter.
“I’m sorry, Sammy. I should’ve dropped it when you said you didn’t wanna go. It’s my fault”. Dean was on the verge of tears. He didn’t know what had happened to his brother, but he felt as if it were his fault.
Sam thought that he should argue, maybe reassure his brother. But nothing came up. He couldn’t speak past the knot in his windpipe. He felt too broken. He could only focus on his brother whispering imsorryimsorryimsorryimsosorryimsosososorry. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of gun oil and old spice.
After a while, he coughed slightly to try to clear his throat. “Shower” he managed to croak out. Dean nodded and helped his brother up.
“You need anything?” he asked.
Sam shook his head. He grabbed a pile of clean clothes and headed towards the bathroom. He locked the door and remained still for a while; staring at the wall without blinking. Eventually, he started the shower and let the boiling water hit his skin. He hardly focused on the temperature of the water even though his skin was quickly turning a shade a lobster red. He grabbed the bar of soap and washed his skin vigorously. He still didn’t feel clean enough and washed and scratched the skin until he scratched down to his flesh. The burning sensation was soothing.
When he came back to the room, Dean was obviously waiting. Sam tried to avoid his brother, but Dean wouldn’t go to bed until he had at least heard his brother’s voice; whatever Sam decided to say.
“Won’t you give me something?” he asked. Sam shrugged. He felt the heat come off of his skin and collide with the coolness of the room.
“Didn’t work. ‘ts all” Sam mumbled, trying to push his way to his bed so he could lay down and have Dean off his back.
“Because of you or because of him?” Dean asked. He was perceptive enough to get a feeling that Lucifer was behind this. Sam froze. Why was Dean so fucking smart when it came to reading him?
“Both” he finally admitted. Without adding details, there was no point in hiding it.
Dean shook his head sadly.
“I’m sorry, Sam”. Dean meant it. He hated himself more than he ever did.
Sam waited a few seconds and then shrugged him off.
“Not your fault. You pushed the idea, but I agreed. Don’t blame yourself”
Dean knew Sam would say something like that, but he had a hard time heeding his brother’s demand. He smiled awkwardly. Sam didn’t find it in him to even try. He bowed his head in acknowledgment and slipped into his bed. He could almost taste the nightmares that would plague him until morning.
Dean sighed and slipped into his own bed. He turned off the light and rested against his pillows. He could tell that Sam wasn’t sleeping. He could almost feel his brother’s discomfort from where he lay. He cleared his throat.
“If one day you’re ready to open up…” he started.
Sam breathed deeply and snuggled deeper into his pillow.
“Goodnight, Dean” he said sharply.
Dean rolled his eyes. “’night Sammy” he whispered.
Sam nodded. He thought of his brother’s words and how Dean was always encouraging him to open up. He clearly wasn’t ready. Maybe he would never be.
But if by some miracle he turned out okay, he promised himself that the first person he’d ever tell would be his brother.
Author: LaueHime
Rating: Mature
Genre/pairing: Angst, H/C, Gen
Characters: Sam, Dean, OC, hints of Lucifer
Word count: +/- 2,900
Warnings: Some cussing, sexual content (not too graphic), implied sexual abuse (though it is not mentioned)
Summary: Dean thinks he knows what would make his brother feel better. He doesn’t realize how wrong he’s been until he sees Sam.
Written for spnshannanigans’s prompt on ohsam which is “Sam's memories from hell threaten to overwhelm him every moment of every day. To calm the storm in his head, he comes to rely on either drugs or alcohol (or both). Dean allows this to continue (for now anyway) because he doesn't know how to help Sam and he can't stand the screaming”
Disclaimer: The show belongs to Kripke.
A/N: This is a series of verses. Every chapter can be read as a standalone story. But of course, it’ll make more sense if you’ve read them all (or at least most of them). Each verse has its own title based on the lyrics of the song the fic is named after.
I made a video for these sammyverses too (with aforementioned song). You can watch it HERE.
Feedback is love. Enjoy!
SNSNSNSN
“Dude, come on! How long’s it been?” Dean pressed. He wasn’t letting his brother out of this one.
“Shut up, Dean” Sam snarled. His jaw was shut tight.
Dean didn’t seem to care.
“It’ll do you some good. C’mon! Man up! It’s your chance to get laid”. He was grinning blissfully. As if that was something Sam would do! Of all things! He didn’t do one night only with random girls. But Dean was pushing.
“Do you even care about me at all? I said no, Dean”. Sam was a step away from seething.
The thing is, they were at the bar and Sam already had a few shots down, but not enough to make him lose his principles. And then there was this girl. She had spotted Sam right away and started hovering around. Dean had winked and thrown thumbs-ups in his brother’s direction while Sam remained indifferent.
Dean visibly deflated because “Fuck Sam! Of course I care! Why do you think I’m doing this in the first place?! Booze is only that much useful until you get yourself a natural shot of endorphins… trust me, it’s the best and most effective free drug”. He gave his brother a blithe spirited wink.
Sam rolled his eyes. He was feeling rather grim. That had been going on for a few days. Lucifer hadn’t even joined the party. Sam had actually worked hard to prevent it, juicing himself up before the devil could even try to make his entrance. Satan had tried, but when Sam was really into it, he was so canned that there was nothing fun to torture him with anymore. Try haunting an empty shell… Satan was cruel but still, his pride had limits.
That didn’t count the nights Sam fumbled through his brother’s duffel for the pills he had grown to endure. His brother had offered them up to him when Sam first came back from the cage and when said brother was afraid that his memories would break his wall. Sam felt sorry for Dean. His wall had broken and now that he was assaulted by those memories, he felt stupid for refusing the pills back then. He found out that they were about the only thing that could abate the pain from his nightmares. Not even Dean could understand…
Sam snapped back to reality when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Right. Dean. The bar. The girl.
She was staring up at him with glistening eyes. Her crimson lips were pulled into a craving smile. She bit her bottom lip softly, staring his face up and down.
“Ready to blow this joint? It’s getting crowded in here and there’s not enough room for you and me… if you know what I mean” she winked playfully.
Sam smiled awkwardly and his eyes drifted to the side where Dean was. He was hoping for his brother to get him out of that situation, but Dean looked like he was about to agree with the girl and kick the both of them out of the bar. He motioned for Sam to go and blew him a kiss. Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to the girl. His smile was crooked.
“Sure. Let’s go” he replied half-heartedly. He had given up the fight. As long as it kept the devil away, he didn’t care. He thought how his soulless self would have just gone already. If only he could be more like him sometimes… if he didn’t have to hurt and think everything through before moving…
He let the girl - wait her name was Cherry - what kind of a name is that? - lead them both to her place. Sam dragged his enormous and heavy feet behind her until they reached the small apartment. She pulled him inside with a greedy smile. Sam tried to show her some fervor but it didn’t come out right, even to him. She didn’t seem to care.
“How come you’re so handsome yet so shy?” she asked, plopping with him on the couch. She sat on his knees and faced him, cupping his face with her tiny warm fingers. Sam let out a nervous laugh and smiled shakily. It didn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m not that kind of guy, you know…” he started shyly.
She frowned only slightly and started pushing the strands of hair away from his eyes.
“Neither am I. But why not?” Her voice was warm. Her breath kissed his face. She leaned in closer. He could feel her brown locks brush against his cheek. Her soft lips kissed the side of his neck. He closed his eyes. Somewhere inside of him, the man that still lived down there was rousing.
She pressed her body closer to his and he let his hands wander nervously before wrapping them around her hips. He actually heard her smile against his temple. He couldn’t repress the soft moan that escaped his lips. No matter how screwed up he was, he was still a man after all. A man with needs. He pulled her closer, his gigantic hands pressing against her back.
She pulled her head back and cupped his face again, looking straight into his eyes.
“Are you a soldier?” she asked suddenly. He frowned softly and shook his head. “Because your eyes… there is this depth to them… I don’t know, I thought… maybe…”
He shrugged. “I protect people. That’s what I do” he admitted. She nodded and felt the tight muscles of his arms.
“Isn’t it hard? Do you sometimes feel like you’re the one who’d need to be protected?” she asked; a spark of understanding in her eyes. Sam nodded softly. He didn’t know why he was being so open, but it didn’t feel wrong. Of course he wouldn’t tell her all about hunting, but still.
There were some details he could get off his chest.
“Sam” she whispered. A smile crept up her lips. “You’re safe here” she added. He looked at her with new found envy. “Kiss me” she demanded.
He kissed her. Shyly at first, but with more vigor after only mere seconds. She pressed her body against his and grabbed his shirt by the bottom rim. She pulled it over his head and deepened her kiss. Sam didn’t break the contact. Actually he leaned into it. He pulled her shirt off and over her head. Her bra didn’t resist for much longer either.
She pulled him up and dragged him to her bedroom, losing the last clothing they had on the way. They let themselves fall on the bed. They intertwined until they made only one. Sam was sweating and moaning. He heard her moans and smiled. He was still a man after all.
You sure you’re doing this right?
Sam’s eyes snapped open. They were alone in the room; no traces of the devil, but still.
I’m in your head, remember? I’m inside you, Sam. While you are inside… her.
The devil chuckled. Sam’s blood froze. He was fixed like a statue.
“Sam?” he heard, but didn’t pay too much attention.
Remember, Sammy. Remember.
A flash of light invaded his brain and blinded him to the world. He felt the heat against his skin and the pain. The pain of ripping flesh was too real. Smoke choked him and he couldn’t breathe. His body started trembling from the lack of oxygen. He heard screams, but he was falling inside a black hole and there was nothing to hold him and bring him back to the surface.
Cherry froze as Sam started staring into space as if he had blacked out completely. He didn’t reply her calls either. She heard his breathing pick up and she felt him trembling. “Oh my god! Sam?” she called, panic gripping her. His eyes were open, but he didn’t see.
“SAM! What’s going on?”
She shook him, but nothing happened. He suddenly slumped on the bed and started whimpering.
“What the fuck?” she cried out. Sam had curled into a ball and rocked himself back and forth.
She ran to her phone and was ready to call for help when the rocking stopped. Sam just went still. She dropped the phone reluctantly and pulled a night robe on. She carefully stepped forward and put her hand to his shoulder.
She jumped in surprise when Sam jerked awake.
“Thank god! I was just about to call the emergency department” she exclaimed.
Sam blinked sluggishly and looked around the room in confusion. He came to realize that he was naked in the bedroom of some girl he didn’t even know. Memories rushed back to him. Fuck.
“Are you okay?” Cherry asked shakily.
Sam shook his head desperately. He wanted to cry. He wanted to get up and destroy everything. He felt ashamed. He felt broken. He felt dirty.
He found that his breath was caught in his throat and nothing was going to get past it. Without a word he throttled towards his clothes.
“Hey! Aren’t you going to say something?”
Sam stopped and turned to her. His eyes were filled with unspoken pain.
“I’m… I’m sorry… I should’ve never… please just… forget about me” he begged, his voice incredibly soft.
“But Sam” she started. He shook his head violently.
“Don’t. Goodbye” he said almost running out the door.
“You can’t drive like this” she pointed out.
Sam kept on shaking his head and disappeared behind the front door. She sighed sadly and sat at the edge of her bed. “What the fuck just happened”
SNSNSNSN
Dean was flipping through the channels. There wasn’t much on, but he didn’t want to go under before his brother’s glorious return. He was glad that Sam had actually agreed to go out with someone. He thought it would do his brother some good to see that women were still attracted to him. Besides, Sam needed some company outside of Bobby or himself. His brother had been the social one before.
But Dean couldn’t deny that Hell had messed his brother up. He’d been messed up too from his time and really, Sam’s must’ve been a lot worse. He couldn’t blame his brother for having a hard time dealing, but he hoped that getting out would do his brother some good. Lucifer was messing him up enough as it was.
He heard some noise behind the front door, but it was so subtle that he might not have noticed, hadn’t he been a hunter and a vigilant big brother. He was expecting a blushing little brother who’d laugh his way inside the room and bark at him to shut the hell up and mind his own business. He grinned readily.
But what he saw killed the smile off of his face.
Sam entered shakily. Honest to God, Dean thought his brother looked sick. Sam was pale and sweaty and his eyes were dark abysses of pain. He stood up instinctively and walked to his brother.
“Sam?” His voice was leaking concern.
Sam didn’t look up. He looked like he wanted to crawl through the cracks on the floor.
“Sammy?” Dean asked, his worry meter taking on a few additional notches. He went to put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, but as soon as his fingers brushed the fabric of his brother’s coat, Sam pulled away violently, wrapping his arms around his middle.
“Hey, Sam! What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Dean’s eyes were wide with fear. Sam started shaking. He kept his head bowed so that his bangs covered his eyes. He simply stood there and shivered.
“Sammy, c’mon man. Talk to me. Please!” The eldest was ready to cry. He’d never seen his brother that broken before.
Sam dropped to the ground and wrapped his arms around his legs. He rested his forehead against his knees and Dean could hear his ragged breaths. Softly, he sat next to his brother and waited. The way Sam had flinched away from him had hurt him, but he couldn’t blame his
brother for it. Eventually, he decided to try again. Maybe Sam wouldn’t be so jumpy this time.
Dean slowly guided his hand. He softly dropped it on his brother’s shoulder. Sam didn’t look up, but he didn’t flinch away either. Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. Sam unwrapped his arms from his legs and instinctively pushed himself into his brother’s side.
Dean was taken aback from his brother’s sudden cuddliness, but Sam looked like he needed it and he didn’t have the heart in him to deny him that. Instead, he wrapped his arm around his brother’s shoulder. Sam pushed his head into the crook of Dean’s neck and Dean laid his head so that it rested on the top of his brother’s.
“Shhh… it’s okay. I’ve got you, Sammy. I’m gonna take care of you” Dean whispered softly for his brother to hear. He felt Sam lean deeper into his arms. He wrapped his arms tighter.
“I’m sorry, Sammy. I should’ve dropped it when you said you didn’t wanna go. It’s my fault”. Dean was on the verge of tears. He didn’t know what had happened to his brother, but he felt as if it were his fault.
Sam thought that he should argue, maybe reassure his brother. But nothing came up. He couldn’t speak past the knot in his windpipe. He felt too broken. He could only focus on his brother whispering imsorryimsorryimsorryimsosorryimsosososorry. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of gun oil and old spice.
After a while, he coughed slightly to try to clear his throat. “Shower” he managed to croak out. Dean nodded and helped his brother up.
“You need anything?” he asked.
Sam shook his head. He grabbed a pile of clean clothes and headed towards the bathroom. He locked the door and remained still for a while; staring at the wall without blinking. Eventually, he started the shower and let the boiling water hit his skin. He hardly focused on the temperature of the water even though his skin was quickly turning a shade a lobster red. He grabbed the bar of soap and washed his skin vigorously. He still didn’t feel clean enough and washed and scratched the skin until he scratched down to his flesh. The burning sensation was soothing.
When he came back to the room, Dean was obviously waiting. Sam tried to avoid his brother, but Dean wouldn’t go to bed until he had at least heard his brother’s voice; whatever Sam decided to say.
“Won’t you give me something?” he asked. Sam shrugged. He felt the heat come off of his skin and collide with the coolness of the room.
“Didn’t work. ‘ts all” Sam mumbled, trying to push his way to his bed so he could lay down and have Dean off his back.
“Because of you or because of him?” Dean asked. He was perceptive enough to get a feeling that Lucifer was behind this. Sam froze. Why was Dean so fucking smart when it came to reading him?
“Both” he finally admitted. Without adding details, there was no point in hiding it.
Dean shook his head sadly.
“I’m sorry, Sam”. Dean meant it. He hated himself more than he ever did.
Sam waited a few seconds and then shrugged him off.
“Not your fault. You pushed the idea, but I agreed. Don’t blame yourself”
Dean knew Sam would say something like that, but he had a hard time heeding his brother’s demand. He smiled awkwardly. Sam didn’t find it in him to even try. He bowed his head in acknowledgment and slipped into his bed. He could almost taste the nightmares that would plague him until morning.
Dean sighed and slipped into his own bed. He turned off the light and rested against his pillows. He could tell that Sam wasn’t sleeping. He could almost feel his brother’s discomfort from where he lay. He cleared his throat.
“If one day you’re ready to open up…” he started.
Sam breathed deeply and snuggled deeper into his pillow.
“Goodnight, Dean” he said sharply.
Dean rolled his eyes. “’night Sammy” he whispered.
Sam nodded. He thought of his brother’s words and how Dean was always encouraging him to open up. He clearly wasn’t ready. Maybe he would never be.
But if by some miracle he turned out okay, he promised himself that the first person he’d ever tell would be his brother.