this year is ending just like it begun......
SHITTY! thats right shitty. not only did i fuck up something with a girl at the beginning of the year. it seems like i have gone down the same path now (unintentionally too). and it all started and ended with drinking. i have blacked out at the beginning of the year and i ended the year with blacking out. wow. unbelievable huh.i have realized im a piece of shit. nothing. worth jack shit. i mean honestly. i did my best to salvage something out of this...this....i dunno what to call it between me and this girl but what happens. nothing. just a bunch of sugar coated bullshit talk online. thats what i think of it now. and no im not really mad at her i mean at this point i dont know what to think. she was the first i was really straightforward with and guess what it failed. maybe i should just continue to be the shy guy. i mean i did my best to improve myself to assure her i wouldnt end up like her ex and i really did try but what ends up happening. nothing. again all shit. i dunno how girls think. i still dont get it. i mean i had the nice guy mentality for awhile. and it never really worked. i guess girls really do like assholes. or drunkards in this case. i am not a drunkard. and never will be. sure i drink alot during the weekend it is NOT always to the point of blackingout and passing out. people need to realize that about me. I AM NOT A FUCKIN ALCOHOLIC!!! an alcoholic drinks everyday. an alcoholic drinks by himself. an alcoholic is drunk at every moment of the day. Early in fact if anything. i dont do that shit. i am a social drinker. i drink with people. i enjoy the company of people around when i drink. we can talk and get to know each other well. lately i havent had that kind of experience and thats not all my fault. sure i was fucking pledging and shit but i mean people could have atleast made an attempt to chill afterward. and some have but sigh. i dunno. i had a shitty week. a shitty birthday. and now this. i mean im actually glad that alot of it has sorta been cleared up but i dont appreciated being lead through nothing all of it bullshit. i could have been told alot of stuff that i was told today a lot earlier. but whatever fuck it. i have a lot of thinking to do. i always
g. i mean i tried and this is not an attack on you but you should know that its all bull now. gone.
but yea i think im done trying to fix my non-existent love life. i think i will go back into being that so called mr. nice guy that i was in high school and for a part at the beginning of the year this year. its the only thing i have known to be good at. all i am doing now is becoming a fucking asshole/creep/fuckhead that no one will ever like. i dont want to ever be something i never really was. and that is what has happened to me in college.
i am a nice guy and im a great guy to know and talk and just hang around but some people just never give me that chance. this school (im about to make a big generalization but its based off of what i have seen this whole year so there is some legit reasoning behind it) just seems to be filled with a lot of superificial fucks that dont give a shit and are just lookin for a piece of ass. i see it all over the place. then we got the very few people (as i would like consider myself and a few other people i know) that are not lookin for that really and are actually lookin for somethign genuine and all we get is shit, fakeness, or just drama. and thats where i am stuck at now. its something i created because i have slowly begun going to the other side. something i never expected of me but its something i would say that was created from me being single for four year and just feeling so fucking lonely on this campus. like i said i have yet to really click with anyone. except for a few people. maybe i should jus kick it with them more. there are very few people here that i have met that are awesome.
im glag i joined my fraternity kuz there are some great guys in there but i dunno i still dont feel very connected to people. i dont feel like i have conntected very well with them but i am doing my best. if anyone of u are reading this a) if ur gonnamake fun of me FUCK YOU! b) i think we need more chill time in the house jus time where its the bros drinking and what not. i have found out socially drinkin and talking will get me to open up more and talk to people. and some of you know that. but yea. we need to seriously consider that.
well i think this is enough for now. i feel much better but i still have alot to ponder.
-do i really want to come back this next semester
-how do i fix everything i have fucked up even though i have tried to fix things
-will i find that close friend (jay you will always be my main mang i jus need someone here that i can confide in just as much as i do with you.)
-has it been worth it coming here?
-have i really tried my best at fixing things?
we shall see how this all goes. one more month of school after this week of finals.
to all you people back at home. i love you all and i cant wait to see u in the summer or at jay's at the end of april. it will be goodtimes when i get home. i guess for now its time to fight my emotions and just plow through the rest of this year.
as to the people i have met in redlands. amanda your fucking awesome. we need to kick it more. mary and virgin, what the fuck happened to our daily or weekly trips to fast food restaraunt. i expect to get some calls after you read this. sophia, your fucking great yadadamean? phil, wow i have barely known you but it seems like i have known you for so fucking long. maybe its kuz ur filipino and my best friend back home is filipino haha (jay dont get jealous now =P ) and to romi patel. you son of a bitch haha. your awesome dude. we need to kick it more.
well this really is te end of this. i think i will be going to sleep or just out for a walk.
i hope this clarifies alot of things for everyone.
g. i mean i tried and this is not an attack on you but you should know that its all bull now. gone.
but yea i think im done trying to fix my non-existent love life. i think i will go back into being that so called mr. nice guy that i was in high school and for a part at the beginning of the year this year. its the only thing i have known to be good at. all i am doing now is becoming a fucking asshole/creep/fuckhead that no one will ever like. i dont want to ever be something i never really was. and that is what has happened to me in college.
i am a nice guy and im a great guy to know and talk and just hang around but some people just never give me that chance. this school (im about to make a big generalization but its based off of what i have seen this whole year so there is some legit reasoning behind it) just seems to be filled with a lot of superificial fucks that dont give a shit and are just lookin for a piece of ass. i see it all over the place. then we got the very few people (as i would like consider myself and a few other people i know) that are not lookin for that really and are actually lookin for somethign genuine and all we get is shit, fakeness, or just drama. and thats where i am stuck at now. its something i created because i have slowly begun going to the other side. something i never expected of me but its something i would say that was created from me being single for four year and just feeling so fucking lonely on this campus. like i said i have yet to really click with anyone. except for a few people. maybe i should jus kick it with them more. there are very few people here that i have met that are awesome.
im glag i joined my fraternity kuz there are some great guys in there but i dunno i still dont feel very connected to people. i dont feel like i have conntected very well with them but i am doing my best. if anyone of u are reading this a) if ur gonnamake fun of me FUCK YOU! b) i think we need more chill time in the house jus time where its the bros drinking and what not. i have found out socially drinkin and talking will get me to open up more and talk to people. and some of you know that. but yea. we need to seriously consider that.
well i think this is enough for now. i feel much better but i still have alot to ponder.
-do i really want to come back this next semester
-how do i fix everything i have fucked up even though i have tried to fix things
-will i find that close friend (jay you will always be my main mang i jus need someone here that i can confide in just as much as i do with you.)
-has it been worth it coming here?
-have i really tried my best at fixing things?
we shall see how this all goes. one more month of school after this week of finals.
to all you people back at home. i love you all and i cant wait to see u in the summer or at jay's at the end of april. it will be goodtimes when i get home. i guess for now its time to fight my emotions and just plow through the rest of this year.
as to the people i have met in redlands. amanda your fucking awesome. we need to kick it more. mary and virgin, what the fuck happened to our daily or weekly trips to fast food restaraunt. i expect to get some calls after you read this. sophia, your fucking great yadadamean? phil, wow i have barely known you but it seems like i have known you for so fucking long. maybe its kuz ur filipino and my best friend back home is filipino haha (jay dont get jealous now =P ) and to romi patel. you son of a bitch haha. your awesome dude. we need to kick it more.
well this really is te end of this. i think i will be going to sleep or just out for a walk.
i hope this clarifies alot of things for everyone.