Shattered: As the World Turns fic; Luke/Reid (3/6)
Title: Shattered (3/6)
Author: erikssiren
Banner by: thesicko1012
Rating: R
Word Count: 30,000+
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, hints of Allison/Casey and Brad/Katie. Also, appearances by Kyle/Fish from One Life to Live and others. (I'd say who, but that would give away the surprise!)
Warnings: Character death, angst (LOTS), some swearing and mentions of Noah. Lots of them. In the positive light. If you don't like it, then please don't read!
Story Summary: Set in the 2008 Valentine's Day AU. Luke and Noah have been together ever since they met that fateful day in New York City. But when a tragedy tears them apart, Luke struggles to move on. When a new doctor comes to town under mysterious circumstances, will he be what Luke needs? Set in the AU world of the Nuke Valentine's Day 2008 Episode.
Chapter Summary: Luke takes some large steps to move on, but is shaken by a dream. And how is he going to get through an evening with Dr. Oliver?
Author's Notes: See the first chapter for full notes, I don't really have anything to add to this one!
Previous chapters: One| Two
Chapter 3
For the next week Luke retreated into himself again, reminding his parents all too much of the silent, broken shell he had become the week after Noah's death. Luke's thoughts bounced inside of his mind like a ping pong ball, morphing into new thoughts with each contact against his skull. He thought of Noah, their final words, that sailor's accusations, Kyle and Oliver, Dr. Oliver and then back to Noah. His thoughts were chaotic and wandering, they sometimes didn't even make sense to him but he let them form anyway.
He didn't go into his office, ignored several calls from Dr. Cohen and stayed cooped up in the cabin Will offered him when Noah had died. He avoided his parents and his family and canceled on Casey and Allison. He spent most of his time looking through Noah's things dressed in Noah's clothes; gripping the medal he always kept in his pocket, twisting the ring around his finger (even after he had rubbed away the top layer of skin) and watching the few videos the couple had made sightseeing on Noah's various shore leaves. Whenever his strange encounter with Dr. Oliver would pop up he attempted to firmly pushed them aside, he didn't want the doctor to become a distraction, especially not from Noah.
On Sunday Luke woke to rapid knocking on the front door. He tried to ignore it by burrowing deeper into the mountain of blankets on the bed, but it wouldn't go away. After a few minutes he finally admitted defeat, through off the covers and stalked to the door.
"Leave me alone!" He shouted as he flung open the door to reveal a slightly scared but determined Maddie.
"Not a chance," she declared as she shoved by him and into the living room. "I know you're going through a lot Luke, but you have got to get out of here. You can't do this to yourself anymore."
"What do you know about it, Maddie?" He asked in a monotone voice.
"I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I know what it is to lose someone you love."
"Not like this," he insisted as he flung himself onto the couch. "Casey didn't die, you could still go see him. He didn't die thinking you hated them for missing something so stupid as a graduation. He didn't die because he was worried about you instead of saving himself. He…" he trailed off, tears streaming down his face. “He didn’t die blaming you,” he whispered.
Maddie’s thin arms wrapped around his shoulders and he felt her tears soak into Noah’s plaid shirt. “I’m sure he didn’t blame you for anything. You didn’t attack his ship, you didn’t put him in the path of the explosions and…you loved him Luke. You know he died knowing that.”
“But I don’t,” he barely said through his tears. “And it was my fault he was distracted that day, one of his shipmates told me he was worried about the fight we had. I was angry at him for missing my graduation. My stupid, pointless graduation!” He began to sob and Maddie held him tightly as he cried. “I’m so tired,” he whispered once his tears let up. “I’m tired of living like this. I miss him, I love him but I hate breaking down so easily and I feel so guilty for wanting things to change.”
“It’s called moving on,” Maddie said softly, without reproach. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to live your life without him."
“I know,” he answered as he pulled away from her embrace. “It’s just… I think too much about him or about our last phone call or something like last week happens and I fall apart. How am I supposed to teach classes if I'm still a mess?” He took a deep breath and his friend didn’t answer. “I think I need to go see him,” he said in a rush. Luke hadn’t been back to the graveyard since the funeral, he just couldn’t bring himself to go.
Maddie assessed him quietly. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” he said wiping his hands on his pants. “Come with me?”
***
The rough bark of the maple tree bit into Luke’s back and leaves fell lazily as he watched Maddie lean down and place some gas-station flowers at the base of the headstone. He tried to let her have her visit alone, but she insisted he stay. She didn’t say anything as she stared at the grey stone, but Luke felt like he was intruding all the same.
Finally she turned to him with a small smile and leaned against the tree next to him. “Want me to leave?” She asked as his eyes flickered over everything but Noah’s grave. He suddenly felt nervous, jittery and started to think this was a really bad idea.
“I don’t think I’m ready after all,” he whispered, not looking at Maddie.
“Just try,” she answered before turning away. He watched her walk though the cemetery gates before sliding down the tree trunk, the bark pulling and biting at his coat. He closed his eyes and breathed in the autumn air, letting the dry crackling of leaves wash over him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you, I’m sorry I was so stupid.” Tears carved tracks down his face but Luke didn’t wipe them away. “I didn’t mean it, I love you and I never would have called off the wedding…” He hiccuped. “I’m sorry you were distracted because of me.” He turned toward the grave but focused rather on the rectangular patch of grass slightly brighter than the lawn around it. “If I could, I would put me in your place. You were going to do so much, you were so brave and you were a brilliant man.” His numb fingers pulled up blades mindlessly. “I’m nothing, I’ve done nothing and I’ll probably do nothing. I’m a waste.” The words bubbled out from a place Luke didn’t even knew existed but the more he said the more it felt like the truth. “I shouldn’t be here. You should. I wish you were here. I wish I were with you,” he finished in a whisper.
Suddenly a breeze swept through the cemetery, but it wasn’t the cold air Luke expected. Instead a warm puff of air played with the fringe of his scarf and it calmed him almost instantly. Ask him later and Luke would say, as slightly ridiculous as it sounded, he knew Noah was there and that Noah loved him. All he knew at the time was that some of the pain he had been carrying around for eight months eased away and he felt lighter, happier. He felt like he patch up the cracks the past week had created.
After convincing Maddie he didn't need any company once she took him back home, Luke tried to keep himself busy, determined to prove to himself he really was going to be okay again. He cleaned the cottage, scrubbing the small space from top to bottom and when he brought in the paper, began searching the classifieds for an apartment to rent. While sorting his laundry into the washer, Luke spotted some old moving boxes. He set them up and labeled them "Noah" in large black permanent letters. He didn't put anything in them, but the fact that he could even entertain the idea of putting away Noah's things felt like progress enough.
The next day Luke tried calling Kyle as he waited for Allison and Casey to arrive at Al’s. He hadn’t spoken to the doctor since Oliver left after a short shore leave a few weeks ago and Luke thought a change of scenery might be good for the dark-haired man. However, when Kyle’s pre-recorded voicemail reached his ears Luke simply closed his phone. He missed having someone to talk to who understood, even though Kyle couldn’t truly understand the loss Luke had suffered and was struggling to recover from, even if he had a better idea of what Luke had been through before Noah had died. Even so, Luke was happy knowing Oliver was alive and his ship wasn’t going to dangerous waters anytime soon as the Navy was receiving a huge backlash from the bombing and the false reports the day of the attack that the ship was safe.
Suddenly Allison and Casey descended on him, their faces bearing matching mischievous grins pulling him from his thoughts and he smiled slightly back. He knew they were worried about him, he could see it in their eyes, but he knew they wouldn’t make him talk about it and he loved them both for that. Instead, they tried a different topic entirely.
“So?” The now-blonde nurse asked expectantly.
“…so what?” Luke returned warily.
“Oh come on, man!” Casey laughed. “It’s all over the hospital that Reid went to the Snyder dinner last week. What happened?”
“You know, I’m starting to think nothing actually happens at Memorial. That everyone just hangs out and gossips all day.”
“When Lucinda Walsh, the most powerful woman in Oakdale brings in the most arrogant, hottest doctor in America to town, people talk. And when said doctor spends several hours with normal people and no one dies, it's going to make the front page news. And don’t evade the question, Luke. How is the famous Doctor Oliver when he’s not within hospital walls?” Allison leaned in eagerly.
“Wait a minute, hottest?” Casey asked and Allison merely rolled her eyes along with Luke.
“Well…I’m not sure,” Luke answered slowly, staring at the Formica tabletop. “The night kind of turned into a disaster after Ethan told me he wanted to be a soldier and that he wouldn’t leave me like Noah did.” He glanced up to see his friends’ faces as they slipped into sympathetic frowns. “It’s hard to hear something like that, you know? I don't want Ethan only thinking of Noah as the bad guy, I know he would have loved Noah if..." He swallowed thickly. "But I’m working on getting better. It’s a process.”
“Yeah,” Casey said. “We get it.”
Liar, Luke thought and took a sip of water, which he nearly spit out when he saw none other than the subject of their conversation walk through the door, his gait steady but quick as he walked toward the trio. “Don’t look now,” Luke murmured, “but Dr. Oliver’s headed this way.” Of course, his friends both turned with wide eyes as the neurosurgeon stopped at their table, his jaw clenched as his eyes, dark with anger, settled on Luke.
“Mr. Snyder,” he bit out acidly. “I just had a meeting with the board, that you probably should have been to by the way, and had the unfortunate pleasure of staying behind to ‘chat’ with your grandmother. She wanted me to tell you to come to the foundation as soon as possible. Sooner than that, in fact.”
Luke exchanged confused glances with Casey and Allison. “Well, she should have just called me if it was so important.”
Reid let out an irritated huff. ”You know that and I know that but apparently she's gone senile and has forgotten how to use a telephone that isn’t a rotary.” Before Luke could come up with a retort to defend his grandmother, Reid turned on his heel and stomped out of the diner.
“What the hell was that about?” Casey asked in an awed voice as they watched the red-haired doctor practically run past the window.
“I have no idea, but I’m going to find out,” Luke said as he stood.
“Seriously? We just got here and haven't seen you all week!” Allison protested, grabbing at Luke’s arm in an attempt to make him stay.
“I know, and I promise to make it up to you, but I’m afraid if I ignore her she’ll just send him back here and then he’ll probably take it out on you two.” That seemed to convince his friends and they quickly waved him away.
***
Luke made it to the foundation offices in a short amount of time, passing by Brian as he stepped out of the elevator, and was a little surprised to see his grandmother looking so calm. From the way Reid made it sound it was an emergency.
“Hello grandmother,” he said warmly as he walked into her office. She looked up at him and smiled brightly.
“Hello darling, come in.” She placed the papers she was signing back in the open folder on her desk and removed her glasses. “I see Dr. Oliver found you.”
“Yeah, though you should have just called me. Now he's going to make all the nurses cry because you've put him in a bad mood.”
Lucinda regally waved a hand in dismissal at the thought of Dr. Oliver wreaking havoc on the Memorial staff. "I have a favor to ask of you," she said with a slight smirk that made Luke uneasy. Nothing good ever came from that look.
"What?"
"The hospital is throwing two parties for All Hallow's Eve: one for the children and one for the adults. I, of course, planned to use it as an opportunity to gain more interest in the wing and convince the skeptics of Dr. Oliver's brilliance despite his lack of social skills-"
"There will be a lot of those," Luke mumbled.
"Indeed," his grandmother agreed as she stood to move the folders on her desk to the cabinet across the room. "Unfortunately I had forgotten about a conference in New York that Brian had set up for us to attend that very night. He made the arrangements weeks before the invite for the party arrived, so I need you to go to the ball in my stead."
"Can't Brian go to New York alone?" Luke asked, sounding a bit childish to his own ears, as well as his grandmother given the look she was sending him. He didn’t want to have to schmooze with business owners all night; he had really been looking forward to taking his brother and sisters to the children’s party.
"The conference is the first step to getting more foundations like ours set up around the country as well as the possibility of having a national hotline modeled from the foundation’s, which was your idea may I remind you. We have to have more than just one person show up to represent us there. You are of course welcome to go with Brian instead-"
"No! I'll go to the party here," Luke insisted as his skin crawled at the mere thought of spending time alone with Brian. He thought he would feel better if he could just pinpoint why Brian made him so uncomfortable, but he was yet to figure it out. He sighed and dreaded breaking the news to Ethan, who his mother had said (in one of her many frantic voicemails) was very worried he made Luke sad.
"Excellent!” Lucinda clapped her hands together, her ever-present rows of bracelets jangling as she did so. “Now, you have a tuxedo, I presume? It is a black tie affair." Luke nodded hesitantly. He had only one tux that fit him well and had never planned on wearing it after Noah died. But, with Halloween a week away there wasn’t any time to get another one made. "Good. It took me half an hour to convince Dr. Oliver to not show up in his scrubs, can you believe the man!”
"He’s going to be there too?"
“Well, of course he is, darling! You can’t sell a product without letting the buyers see it first,” she chuckled as she returned to her desk. Luke tried to shake of the resentment that his grandmother referred the doctor to something akin to one of those gimmick inventions on television, as he did to any emotional response to the older man. And as she had rightly pointed out weeks ago he hadn’t been involved with the foundation until now so he had no room to object to how she had been handling the business, including the hospital wing and Dr. Oliver’s involvement. Not yet, anyway. Which reminded him of a question that had formed ever since he saw them together at the farm.
“Grandmother, why did you bring him here in the first place? There had to be better-qualified surgeons for Lucas.” Before last week’s dinner Luke had looked up what he could on the case that supposedly brought Oliver here, but as much as it said about Lucas it said very little about the exact reason for Lucinda and Bob Hughes’ involvement.
“That’s between myself, Dr. Oliver and Dr. Hughes,” Lucinda said sternly. It only made Luke want to question her more, to insist he had a right to know if his money was going to fund whatever blackmail Oliver was extorting. Though, the more he saw the lie in his grandmother’s eyes the more he wondered if it wasn’t really the other way around.
“The ball is actually on Halloween, right?” He asked instead. “I have my speech to give the Monday before.”
“Oh, that’s right, your mother was telling me about that. She said you didn’t want any of the family to come. Whatever for?”
Luke sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Well, it’s not really open to the public grandmother, and I’m afraid if you guys show up I’ll get even more nervous.” While it was mostly the truth, Luke also knew he’d feel more like a kid than a professor if his family showed up. He was having a hard enough time taking himself seriously as it was. “Speaking of which, I should probably stop by my office at the university and work on it some more.”
Lucinda gave him a look that told him she didn’t fully believe him. “Alright darling, just make sure you are ready for the party Halloween night. I suppose it will be easiest for you to just meet Oliver there.”
“Yeah, somehow I don’t think he’s the picking up his date at the door type.” They both chuckled and Luke walked around the desk to kiss her on the cheek. “Bye grandmother.”
“Goodbye dear,” she said and walked him with a small smile as he walked away. “A date, hmmm?” She asked the empty room, her smile morphing to a knowing smirk as she returned to the papers on her desk.
***
A week later Luke poured over his typed notes, scratching away at a few last minute edits before checking his watch once more. The auditorium where the students were gathering was in the building next to the one that housed his office, and Dr. Cohen hadn’t specified a time for him to arrive, so he had at least another fifteen minutes. He blew out a breath and looked over at the picture of a smiling Noah. “I wish you were here,” he whispered. “You’d know what to say so I didn’t throw up.”
“Did you know that more than 70 percent of Americans claim to vomit when public speaking yet never actually commit the act?”
Luke whipped around at the sound of the familiar voice and shook his head at his boss. “How do you even know that?” He asked as Dr. Cohen’s hands fiddled with his leather messenger bag as he leaned against Luke’s office door frame. “And what are you doing here?” He asked as he shuffled his papers into order.
“I told you, I have an eidetic memory,” the young genius answered matter-of-factly. “Anything I read, I remember. And I’m here to take you to the auditorium. You should have been there ten minutes ago.” Cohen glanced at his own watch, on the outside of his sweater sleeve, and quickly looked back at Luke.
“Sorry, I’m just nervous. I’ve never done this before and the entire future of this department is riding on my success.”
“Let me ask you this: would you rather be speaking to a group of semi-intelligent students eager to hear what you have to say or a classroom of teenagers who text to each other about how strange you are?”
“That happened to you?” Luke asked as the pair began to walk down the hallway.
“It did. But I knew what I had to say was important, it would help them even if they didn’t know it at the time. Just remember these students are here because they want to be and you will do fine.”
***
Looking back Luke couldn’t remember exactly what he said or the questions the students asked after he had finished his speech or the small conversations he had after the forum. All he could remember was that Reid Oliver had walked in just as Luke stepped up to the podium and had felt the older man’s eyes on him the entire time. He didn’t come up to Luke and didn’t approach the students though Luke thought he glimpsed him talking to Dr. Cohen at one point. All Luke knew was the moment he saw the familiar scowl his nerves had nearly vanished completely and as he struggled to fall asleep that night he tried not to think about what that meant.
***
Luke leaned against the guardrail of the boat, gazing at the Statue of Liberty luminous in the night. He gripped Noah’s hand and smiled. Perfect.
“This was our first date,” Noah stated and Luke grinned, turning toward him.
“I took you to see historic New York landmarks five minutes after we met; I don’t know I would have counted it as a date. But if I had known you were so easily impressed I wouldn’t have just blown all that money on dinner.” He laughed, taking all the bite out of his words and Noah joined him, his boisterous laughter floating across the water.
“I love you,” Noah said reverently after their laughter had faded. “And I want to share the rest of my life with you. It won’t always be easy and I can’t promise I’ll physically be there all the times you need me, but…Luke,” he grabbed both Luke’s hands and Luke found his breath stuck in his throat. “Will you marry me?”
“What?” Luke said, dumbfounded.
“Will you marry me? I don’t have a ring because I didn’t know if-if you wanted one but if you do we can go out tomorrow and-“
Luke cut him off with a kiss. “Of course I’ll marry you,” he said against Noah’s lips. “I love you.” They kissed again and when Luke pulled away he stared lovingly into Reid Oliver’s eyes, brightened by the statue’s lights.
“I’ll always love you,” Reid promised as the ship’s piercing horn began to blow. “Always.”
Luke shot up in bed with a gasp, his hand slamming down on the alarm once his brain registered the noise. Unlike most of his dreams that scattered before he even woke up, Luke remembered this one in perfect clarity. “Shit,” he mumbled as he ran a hand over his face, only to discover them wet with tears. He breathed slowly for a few minutes, trying to clear his mind from the lingering love and comfort directed at Reid that was always meant for Noah.
Suddenly his fingers wrapped around his cell phone and he called Kyle. They had been playing phone tag for days but now Luke really needed to talk to him. He reached the doctor’s voicemail again and Luke took a deep breath as the beep sounded. “Hey, it’s Luke. I don't know if you know what day it is but…I had a weird dream last night. It was about Noah but at the end he turned into this guy I know and I’m really confused and I just need to talk to someone. Give me a call, please.”
Silence permeated the room after he hung up the phone and if Luke closed his eyes, the dream hovered in front of him and he could feel the tingle of lips on his. Reid's lips. Standing up quickly, he got dressed and tried to figure out what to do. Again he grasped his phone and his fingers dialed the familiar number before he could register the action.
“Hello?” A familiar voice filtered through the speaker.
“Hey dad, it’s Luke. Can I come over?”
***
The farm always gave Luke a sense of peace and home that his mother’s house just couldn’t seem to replicate. Breathing in the air heavy with the smell of wet dirt, he walked slowly to the side of the house where he could hear the steady swoosh-thump-crack of someone splitting firewood. Rounding the corner he saw his dad preparing for another swing, the old tractor parked not far away.
Suddenly the memory of what felt like a lifetime ago played in his mind, back when he was still in high school, helping his dad fix the tractor (again) as he worried about ever finding someone to love. He wished he could be that young again, because back then he didn’t worry about what to do when he lost the love of his life.
“Hey dad!” He called out as the newly split log fell to the ground. Holden looked up and grinned. After accepting Damian’s money, Luke's relationship with his adopted had strained a bit but it never broke. Holden threw the axe into the top of the stump and leaned against the tractor as Luke walked up.
“So, what do you want: tractor or firewood?” Holden said with a sad smile. Luke loved that his dad always let him decide when to talk about what was bothering him, it was a relief from his mother (and grandmother’s) constant questions.
“Firewood,” Luke said as he shucked off his jacket and threw it on a nearby bush. The worn handle fit comfortably into Luke’s hands and he relished the burn of unused muscles as he began to chop. The two Snyder men worked in silence until the memory of his dream was too much for Luke to bear.
“It's been six months today, dad,” Luke said as he swung the axe, reveling in the thud it made when it cracked open the cylinder of old pine.
“I know,” Holden replied, wiping the engine grease from his hands and turning to watch the arc of the axe as Luke swung it again. Luke fell silent, trying to turn his emotions into words.
“You know how in dreams," he started slowly as he continued to chop, "sometimes the person you think it is turns into someone else but in the dream you don’t even realize it? I mean, it feels like the same person even though it’s not.”
“Uh, I think so.”
“I had a dream last night. About Noah’s proposal only…only at the end he turned into Dr-another guy I know and in my dream I didn’t even flinch. I kissed him when I was supposed to be kissing Noah and it didn’t bother me.” He couldn’t even think about letting anyone know who dream Noah had turned into. He barely knew Dr. Oliver, how could he be dreaming about him?
“Luke it was just a dream.” From Holden it sounded like a reassurance rather than a placating statement. “But if you think it means something…”
“I don’t know, dad. I don't want it to, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.” Luke threw the axe into the stump and ran his hand through his hair. “Of all days to have a dream like this….I miss Noah, every day I ache without him, but I don’t always think about him anymore and it’s scary.” He moved to the tractor and sat on the old leather seat, his hands gripping the wheel.
“You’re moving on, Luke. It’s normal and I’m glad you’re doing it. I know how terrifying it is to think you’re losing the memory of the person you love, but you can’t sit in misery forever.”
Luke sighed, resting his forehead against his hands. “I know that, I do…it’s just, I feel guilty for living while Noah’s dead. How can I try to have a life and be happy when he’s not here anymore?”
Holden’s warm hand gripped Luke’s shoulder. “Because you’ve been given the opportunity to live. You have so much happiness and love inside you Luke, and a lot of that went to Noah and you were going to give it all to him. Now you have to figure out how to give it to others without forgetting him.”
“It’s so hard,” Luke whispered as tears splashed onto his work boots.
“I know it is, but you’ll get through it. You have your family, your friends and…well, the whole town.” Luke let out a wet chuckle and Holden wrapped his arm around Luke’s shoulder, his breath warm on the back of his son's neck, comforting the young man. “We're all here for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and while it hurts not to have Noah here, you can’t stop living. He wouldn’t want that."
“Yeah,” the young blonde said after a few moments of silence. He sat up and checked his watch, sighing heavily. “I’ve got to go get ready for this party thing.” He climbed off the tractor and hugged his father tightly. “Thanks dad. Have fun with the kids trick-or-treating tonight and tell them again how sorry I am.”
“I love you, Luke.” Holden said into his hair.
“I love you too.”
Author: erikssiren
Banner by: thesicko1012
Rating: R
Word Count: 30,000+
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, hints of Allison/Casey and Brad/Katie. Also, appearances by Kyle/Fish from One Life to Live and others. (I'd say who, but that would give away the surprise!)
Warnings: Character death, angst (LOTS), some swearing and mentions of Noah. Lots of them. In the positive light. If you don't like it, then please don't read!
Story Summary: Set in the 2008 Valentine's Day AU. Luke and Noah have been together ever since they met that fateful day in New York City. But when a tragedy tears them apart, Luke struggles to move on. When a new doctor comes to town under mysterious circumstances, will he be what Luke needs? Set in the AU world of the Nuke Valentine's Day 2008 Episode.
Chapter Summary: Luke takes some large steps to move on, but is shaken by a dream. And how is he going to get through an evening with Dr. Oliver?
Author's Notes: See the first chapter for full notes, I don't really have anything to add to this one!
Previous chapters: One| Two
Chapter 3
For the next week Luke retreated into himself again, reminding his parents all too much of the silent, broken shell he had become the week after Noah's death. Luke's thoughts bounced inside of his mind like a ping pong ball, morphing into new thoughts with each contact against his skull. He thought of Noah, their final words, that sailor's accusations, Kyle and Oliver, Dr. Oliver and then back to Noah. His thoughts were chaotic and wandering, they sometimes didn't even make sense to him but he let them form anyway.
He didn't go into his office, ignored several calls from Dr. Cohen and stayed cooped up in the cabin Will offered him when Noah had died. He avoided his parents and his family and canceled on Casey and Allison. He spent most of his time looking through Noah's things dressed in Noah's clothes; gripping the medal he always kept in his pocket, twisting the ring around his finger (even after he had rubbed away the top layer of skin) and watching the few videos the couple had made sightseeing on Noah's various shore leaves. Whenever his strange encounter with Dr. Oliver would pop up he attempted to firmly pushed them aside, he didn't want the doctor to become a distraction, especially not from Noah.
On Sunday Luke woke to rapid knocking on the front door. He tried to ignore it by burrowing deeper into the mountain of blankets on the bed, but it wouldn't go away. After a few minutes he finally admitted defeat, through off the covers and stalked to the door.
"Leave me alone!" He shouted as he flung open the door to reveal a slightly scared but determined Maddie.
"Not a chance," she declared as she shoved by him and into the living room. "I know you're going through a lot Luke, but you have got to get out of here. You can't do this to yourself anymore."
"What do you know about it, Maddie?" He asked in a monotone voice.
"I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I know what it is to lose someone you love."
"Not like this," he insisted as he flung himself onto the couch. "Casey didn't die, you could still go see him. He didn't die thinking you hated them for missing something so stupid as a graduation. He didn't die because he was worried about you instead of saving himself. He…" he trailed off, tears streaming down his face. “He didn’t die blaming you,” he whispered.
Maddie’s thin arms wrapped around his shoulders and he felt her tears soak into Noah’s plaid shirt. “I’m sure he didn’t blame you for anything. You didn’t attack his ship, you didn’t put him in the path of the explosions and…you loved him Luke. You know he died knowing that.”
“But I don’t,” he barely said through his tears. “And it was my fault he was distracted that day, one of his shipmates told me he was worried about the fight we had. I was angry at him for missing my graduation. My stupid, pointless graduation!” He began to sob and Maddie held him tightly as he cried. “I’m so tired,” he whispered once his tears let up. “I’m tired of living like this. I miss him, I love him but I hate breaking down so easily and I feel so guilty for wanting things to change.”
“It’s called moving on,” Maddie said softly, without reproach. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to live your life without him."
“I know,” he answered as he pulled away from her embrace. “It’s just… I think too much about him or about our last phone call or something like last week happens and I fall apart. How am I supposed to teach classes if I'm still a mess?” He took a deep breath and his friend didn’t answer. “I think I need to go see him,” he said in a rush. Luke hadn’t been back to the graveyard since the funeral, he just couldn’t bring himself to go.
Maddie assessed him quietly. “You sure?”
“Yeah,” he said wiping his hands on his pants. “Come with me?”
***
The rough bark of the maple tree bit into Luke’s back and leaves fell lazily as he watched Maddie lean down and place some gas-station flowers at the base of the headstone. He tried to let her have her visit alone, but she insisted he stay. She didn’t say anything as she stared at the grey stone, but Luke felt like he was intruding all the same.
Finally she turned to him with a small smile and leaned against the tree next to him. “Want me to leave?” She asked as his eyes flickered over everything but Noah’s grave. He suddenly felt nervous, jittery and started to think this was a really bad idea.
“I don’t think I’m ready after all,” he whispered, not looking at Maddie.
“Just try,” she answered before turning away. He watched her walk though the cemetery gates before sliding down the tree trunk, the bark pulling and biting at his coat. He closed his eyes and breathed in the autumn air, letting the dry crackling of leaves wash over him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you, I’m sorry I was so stupid.” Tears carved tracks down his face but Luke didn’t wipe them away. “I didn’t mean it, I love you and I never would have called off the wedding…” He hiccuped. “I’m sorry you were distracted because of me.” He turned toward the grave but focused rather on the rectangular patch of grass slightly brighter than the lawn around it. “If I could, I would put me in your place. You were going to do so much, you were so brave and you were a brilliant man.” His numb fingers pulled up blades mindlessly. “I’m nothing, I’ve done nothing and I’ll probably do nothing. I’m a waste.” The words bubbled out from a place Luke didn’t even knew existed but the more he said the more it felt like the truth. “I shouldn’t be here. You should. I wish you were here. I wish I were with you,” he finished in a whisper.
Suddenly a breeze swept through the cemetery, but it wasn’t the cold air Luke expected. Instead a warm puff of air played with the fringe of his scarf and it calmed him almost instantly. Ask him later and Luke would say, as slightly ridiculous as it sounded, he knew Noah was there and that Noah loved him. All he knew at the time was that some of the pain he had been carrying around for eight months eased away and he felt lighter, happier. He felt like he patch up the cracks the past week had created.
After convincing Maddie he didn't need any company once she took him back home, Luke tried to keep himself busy, determined to prove to himself he really was going to be okay again. He cleaned the cottage, scrubbing the small space from top to bottom and when he brought in the paper, began searching the classifieds for an apartment to rent. While sorting his laundry into the washer, Luke spotted some old moving boxes. He set them up and labeled them "Noah" in large black permanent letters. He didn't put anything in them, but the fact that he could even entertain the idea of putting away Noah's things felt like progress enough.
The next day Luke tried calling Kyle as he waited for Allison and Casey to arrive at Al’s. He hadn’t spoken to the doctor since Oliver left after a short shore leave a few weeks ago and Luke thought a change of scenery might be good for the dark-haired man. However, when Kyle’s pre-recorded voicemail reached his ears Luke simply closed his phone. He missed having someone to talk to who understood, even though Kyle couldn’t truly understand the loss Luke had suffered and was struggling to recover from, even if he had a better idea of what Luke had been through before Noah had died. Even so, Luke was happy knowing Oliver was alive and his ship wasn’t going to dangerous waters anytime soon as the Navy was receiving a huge backlash from the bombing and the false reports the day of the attack that the ship was safe.
Suddenly Allison and Casey descended on him, their faces bearing matching mischievous grins pulling him from his thoughts and he smiled slightly back. He knew they were worried about him, he could see it in their eyes, but he knew they wouldn’t make him talk about it and he loved them both for that. Instead, they tried a different topic entirely.
“So?” The now-blonde nurse asked expectantly.
“…so what?” Luke returned warily.
“Oh come on, man!” Casey laughed. “It’s all over the hospital that Reid went to the Snyder dinner last week. What happened?”
“You know, I’m starting to think nothing actually happens at Memorial. That everyone just hangs out and gossips all day.”
“When Lucinda Walsh, the most powerful woman in Oakdale brings in the most arrogant, hottest doctor in America to town, people talk. And when said doctor spends several hours with normal people and no one dies, it's going to make the front page news. And don’t evade the question, Luke. How is the famous Doctor Oliver when he’s not within hospital walls?” Allison leaned in eagerly.
“Wait a minute, hottest?” Casey asked and Allison merely rolled her eyes along with Luke.
“Well…I’m not sure,” Luke answered slowly, staring at the Formica tabletop. “The night kind of turned into a disaster after Ethan told me he wanted to be a soldier and that he wouldn’t leave me like Noah did.” He glanced up to see his friends’ faces as they slipped into sympathetic frowns. “It’s hard to hear something like that, you know? I don't want Ethan only thinking of Noah as the bad guy, I know he would have loved Noah if..." He swallowed thickly. "But I’m working on getting better. It’s a process.”
“Yeah,” Casey said. “We get it.”
Liar, Luke thought and took a sip of water, which he nearly spit out when he saw none other than the subject of their conversation walk through the door, his gait steady but quick as he walked toward the trio. “Don’t look now,” Luke murmured, “but Dr. Oliver’s headed this way.” Of course, his friends both turned with wide eyes as the neurosurgeon stopped at their table, his jaw clenched as his eyes, dark with anger, settled on Luke.
“Mr. Snyder,” he bit out acidly. “I just had a meeting with the board, that you probably should have been to by the way, and had the unfortunate pleasure of staying behind to ‘chat’ with your grandmother. She wanted me to tell you to come to the foundation as soon as possible. Sooner than that, in fact.”
Luke exchanged confused glances with Casey and Allison. “Well, she should have just called me if it was so important.”
Reid let out an irritated huff. ”You know that and I know that but apparently she's gone senile and has forgotten how to use a telephone that isn’t a rotary.” Before Luke could come up with a retort to defend his grandmother, Reid turned on his heel and stomped out of the diner.
“What the hell was that about?” Casey asked in an awed voice as they watched the red-haired doctor practically run past the window.
“I have no idea, but I’m going to find out,” Luke said as he stood.
“Seriously? We just got here and haven't seen you all week!” Allison protested, grabbing at Luke’s arm in an attempt to make him stay.
“I know, and I promise to make it up to you, but I’m afraid if I ignore her she’ll just send him back here and then he’ll probably take it out on you two.” That seemed to convince his friends and they quickly waved him away.
***
Luke made it to the foundation offices in a short amount of time, passing by Brian as he stepped out of the elevator, and was a little surprised to see his grandmother looking so calm. From the way Reid made it sound it was an emergency.
“Hello grandmother,” he said warmly as he walked into her office. She looked up at him and smiled brightly.
“Hello darling, come in.” She placed the papers she was signing back in the open folder on her desk and removed her glasses. “I see Dr. Oliver found you.”
“Yeah, though you should have just called me. Now he's going to make all the nurses cry because you've put him in a bad mood.”
Lucinda regally waved a hand in dismissal at the thought of Dr. Oliver wreaking havoc on the Memorial staff. "I have a favor to ask of you," she said with a slight smirk that made Luke uneasy. Nothing good ever came from that look.
"What?"
"The hospital is throwing two parties for All Hallow's Eve: one for the children and one for the adults. I, of course, planned to use it as an opportunity to gain more interest in the wing and convince the skeptics of Dr. Oliver's brilliance despite his lack of social skills-"
"There will be a lot of those," Luke mumbled.
"Indeed," his grandmother agreed as she stood to move the folders on her desk to the cabinet across the room. "Unfortunately I had forgotten about a conference in New York that Brian had set up for us to attend that very night. He made the arrangements weeks before the invite for the party arrived, so I need you to go to the ball in my stead."
"Can't Brian go to New York alone?" Luke asked, sounding a bit childish to his own ears, as well as his grandmother given the look she was sending him. He didn’t want to have to schmooze with business owners all night; he had really been looking forward to taking his brother and sisters to the children’s party.
"The conference is the first step to getting more foundations like ours set up around the country as well as the possibility of having a national hotline modeled from the foundation’s, which was your idea may I remind you. We have to have more than just one person show up to represent us there. You are of course welcome to go with Brian instead-"
"No! I'll go to the party here," Luke insisted as his skin crawled at the mere thought of spending time alone with Brian. He thought he would feel better if he could just pinpoint why Brian made him so uncomfortable, but he was yet to figure it out. He sighed and dreaded breaking the news to Ethan, who his mother had said (in one of her many frantic voicemails) was very worried he made Luke sad.
"Excellent!” Lucinda clapped her hands together, her ever-present rows of bracelets jangling as she did so. “Now, you have a tuxedo, I presume? It is a black tie affair." Luke nodded hesitantly. He had only one tux that fit him well and had never planned on wearing it after Noah died. But, with Halloween a week away there wasn’t any time to get another one made. "Good. It took me half an hour to convince Dr. Oliver to not show up in his scrubs, can you believe the man!”
"He’s going to be there too?"
“Well, of course he is, darling! You can’t sell a product without letting the buyers see it first,” she chuckled as she returned to her desk. Luke tried to shake of the resentment that his grandmother referred the doctor to something akin to one of those gimmick inventions on television, as he did to any emotional response to the older man. And as she had rightly pointed out weeks ago he hadn’t been involved with the foundation until now so he had no room to object to how she had been handling the business, including the hospital wing and Dr. Oliver’s involvement. Not yet, anyway. Which reminded him of a question that had formed ever since he saw them together at the farm.
“Grandmother, why did you bring him here in the first place? There had to be better-qualified surgeons for Lucas.” Before last week’s dinner Luke had looked up what he could on the case that supposedly brought Oliver here, but as much as it said about Lucas it said very little about the exact reason for Lucinda and Bob Hughes’ involvement.
“That’s between myself, Dr. Oliver and Dr. Hughes,” Lucinda said sternly. It only made Luke want to question her more, to insist he had a right to know if his money was going to fund whatever blackmail Oliver was extorting. Though, the more he saw the lie in his grandmother’s eyes the more he wondered if it wasn’t really the other way around.
“The ball is actually on Halloween, right?” He asked instead. “I have my speech to give the Monday before.”
“Oh, that’s right, your mother was telling me about that. She said you didn’t want any of the family to come. Whatever for?”
Luke sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Well, it’s not really open to the public grandmother, and I’m afraid if you guys show up I’ll get even more nervous.” While it was mostly the truth, Luke also knew he’d feel more like a kid than a professor if his family showed up. He was having a hard enough time taking himself seriously as it was. “Speaking of which, I should probably stop by my office at the university and work on it some more.”
Lucinda gave him a look that told him she didn’t fully believe him. “Alright darling, just make sure you are ready for the party Halloween night. I suppose it will be easiest for you to just meet Oliver there.”
“Yeah, somehow I don’t think he’s the picking up his date at the door type.” They both chuckled and Luke walked around the desk to kiss her on the cheek. “Bye grandmother.”
“Goodbye dear,” she said and walked him with a small smile as he walked away. “A date, hmmm?” She asked the empty room, her smile morphing to a knowing smirk as she returned to the papers on her desk.
***
A week later Luke poured over his typed notes, scratching away at a few last minute edits before checking his watch once more. The auditorium where the students were gathering was in the building next to the one that housed his office, and Dr. Cohen hadn’t specified a time for him to arrive, so he had at least another fifteen minutes. He blew out a breath and looked over at the picture of a smiling Noah. “I wish you were here,” he whispered. “You’d know what to say so I didn’t throw up.”
“Did you know that more than 70 percent of Americans claim to vomit when public speaking yet never actually commit the act?”
Luke whipped around at the sound of the familiar voice and shook his head at his boss. “How do you even know that?” He asked as Dr. Cohen’s hands fiddled with his leather messenger bag as he leaned against Luke’s office door frame. “And what are you doing here?” He asked as he shuffled his papers into order.
“I told you, I have an eidetic memory,” the young genius answered matter-of-factly. “Anything I read, I remember. And I’m here to take you to the auditorium. You should have been there ten minutes ago.” Cohen glanced at his own watch, on the outside of his sweater sleeve, and quickly looked back at Luke.
“Sorry, I’m just nervous. I’ve never done this before and the entire future of this department is riding on my success.”
“Let me ask you this: would you rather be speaking to a group of semi-intelligent students eager to hear what you have to say or a classroom of teenagers who text to each other about how strange you are?”
“That happened to you?” Luke asked as the pair began to walk down the hallway.
“It did. But I knew what I had to say was important, it would help them even if they didn’t know it at the time. Just remember these students are here because they want to be and you will do fine.”
***
Looking back Luke couldn’t remember exactly what he said or the questions the students asked after he had finished his speech or the small conversations he had after the forum. All he could remember was that Reid Oliver had walked in just as Luke stepped up to the podium and had felt the older man’s eyes on him the entire time. He didn’t come up to Luke and didn’t approach the students though Luke thought he glimpsed him talking to Dr. Cohen at one point. All Luke knew was the moment he saw the familiar scowl his nerves had nearly vanished completely and as he struggled to fall asleep that night he tried not to think about what that meant.
***
Luke leaned against the guardrail of the boat, gazing at the Statue of Liberty luminous in the night. He gripped Noah’s hand and smiled. Perfect.
“This was our first date,” Noah stated and Luke grinned, turning toward him.
“I took you to see historic New York landmarks five minutes after we met; I don’t know I would have counted it as a date. But if I had known you were so easily impressed I wouldn’t have just blown all that money on dinner.” He laughed, taking all the bite out of his words and Noah joined him, his boisterous laughter floating across the water.
“I love you,” Noah said reverently after their laughter had faded. “And I want to share the rest of my life with you. It won’t always be easy and I can’t promise I’ll physically be there all the times you need me, but…Luke,” he grabbed both Luke’s hands and Luke found his breath stuck in his throat. “Will you marry me?”
“What?” Luke said, dumbfounded.
“Will you marry me? I don’t have a ring because I didn’t know if-if you wanted one but if you do we can go out tomorrow and-“
Luke cut him off with a kiss. “Of course I’ll marry you,” he said against Noah’s lips. “I love you.” They kissed again and when Luke pulled away he stared lovingly into Reid Oliver’s eyes, brightened by the statue’s lights.
“I’ll always love you,” Reid promised as the ship’s piercing horn began to blow. “Always.”
Luke shot up in bed with a gasp, his hand slamming down on the alarm once his brain registered the noise. Unlike most of his dreams that scattered before he even woke up, Luke remembered this one in perfect clarity. “Shit,” he mumbled as he ran a hand over his face, only to discover them wet with tears. He breathed slowly for a few minutes, trying to clear his mind from the lingering love and comfort directed at Reid that was always meant for Noah.
Suddenly his fingers wrapped around his cell phone and he called Kyle. They had been playing phone tag for days but now Luke really needed to talk to him. He reached the doctor’s voicemail again and Luke took a deep breath as the beep sounded. “Hey, it’s Luke. I don't know if you know what day it is but…I had a weird dream last night. It was about Noah but at the end he turned into this guy I know and I’m really confused and I just need to talk to someone. Give me a call, please.”
Silence permeated the room after he hung up the phone and if Luke closed his eyes, the dream hovered in front of him and he could feel the tingle of lips on his. Reid's lips. Standing up quickly, he got dressed and tried to figure out what to do. Again he grasped his phone and his fingers dialed the familiar number before he could register the action.
“Hello?” A familiar voice filtered through the speaker.
“Hey dad, it’s Luke. Can I come over?”
***
The farm always gave Luke a sense of peace and home that his mother’s house just couldn’t seem to replicate. Breathing in the air heavy with the smell of wet dirt, he walked slowly to the side of the house where he could hear the steady swoosh-thump-crack of someone splitting firewood. Rounding the corner he saw his dad preparing for another swing, the old tractor parked not far away.
Suddenly the memory of what felt like a lifetime ago played in his mind, back when he was still in high school, helping his dad fix the tractor (again) as he worried about ever finding someone to love. He wished he could be that young again, because back then he didn’t worry about what to do when he lost the love of his life.
“Hey dad!” He called out as the newly split log fell to the ground. Holden looked up and grinned. After accepting Damian’s money, Luke's relationship with his adopted had strained a bit but it never broke. Holden threw the axe into the top of the stump and leaned against the tractor as Luke walked up.
“So, what do you want: tractor or firewood?” Holden said with a sad smile. Luke loved that his dad always let him decide when to talk about what was bothering him, it was a relief from his mother (and grandmother’s) constant questions.
“Firewood,” Luke said as he shucked off his jacket and threw it on a nearby bush. The worn handle fit comfortably into Luke’s hands and he relished the burn of unused muscles as he began to chop. The two Snyder men worked in silence until the memory of his dream was too much for Luke to bear.
“It's been six months today, dad,” Luke said as he swung the axe, reveling in the thud it made when it cracked open the cylinder of old pine.
“I know,” Holden replied, wiping the engine grease from his hands and turning to watch the arc of the axe as Luke swung it again. Luke fell silent, trying to turn his emotions into words.
“You know how in dreams," he started slowly as he continued to chop, "sometimes the person you think it is turns into someone else but in the dream you don’t even realize it? I mean, it feels like the same person even though it’s not.”
“Uh, I think so.”
“I had a dream last night. About Noah’s proposal only…only at the end he turned into Dr-another guy I know and in my dream I didn’t even flinch. I kissed him when I was supposed to be kissing Noah and it didn’t bother me.” He couldn’t even think about letting anyone know who dream Noah had turned into. He barely knew Dr. Oliver, how could he be dreaming about him?
“Luke it was just a dream.” From Holden it sounded like a reassurance rather than a placating statement. “But if you think it means something…”
“I don’t know, dad. I don't want it to, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.” Luke threw the axe into the stump and ran his hand through his hair. “Of all days to have a dream like this….I miss Noah, every day I ache without him, but I don’t always think about him anymore and it’s scary.” He moved to the tractor and sat on the old leather seat, his hands gripping the wheel.
“You’re moving on, Luke. It’s normal and I’m glad you’re doing it. I know how terrifying it is to think you’re losing the memory of the person you love, but you can’t sit in misery forever.”
Luke sighed, resting his forehead against his hands. “I know that, I do…it’s just, I feel guilty for living while Noah’s dead. How can I try to have a life and be happy when he’s not here anymore?”
Holden’s warm hand gripped Luke’s shoulder. “Because you’ve been given the opportunity to live. You have so much happiness and love inside you Luke, and a lot of that went to Noah and you were going to give it all to him. Now you have to figure out how to give it to others without forgetting him.”
“It’s so hard,” Luke whispered as tears splashed onto his work boots.
“I know it is, but you’ll get through it. You have your family, your friends and…well, the whole town.” Luke let out a wet chuckle and Holden wrapped his arm around Luke’s shoulder, his breath warm on the back of his son's neck, comforting the young man. “We're all here for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and while it hurts not to have Noah here, you can’t stop living. He wouldn’t want that."
“Yeah,” the young blonde said after a few moments of silence. He sat up and checked his watch, sighing heavily. “I’ve got to go get ready for this party thing.” He climbed off the tractor and hugged his father tightly. “Thanks dad. Have fun with the kids trick-or-treating tonight and tell them again how sorry I am.”
“I love you, Luke.” Holden said into his hair.
“I love you too.”