Just Enough Time

[greatlightother]

Who: Sveta and Howie
Where: Starting in Howie's cabin, then ELSEWHERE
When: Sunday
Warnings: Just a whole lot of sad. Other than that...nope.

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[greatlightother]

The day passed much too quickly for Sveta, even though it felt like hours. The clock on her phone said that it was late, but she clung to every moment she could, pretending not to even see the time. She had brought food back from the dining hall for them earlier, but she hadn't eaten any of it. The thought of food just made her sick. The thought of doing anything without him right now made her sick.

She turned music on softly and walked back to him. "How long will you stay?" Time. Time was her enemy.

[greatlightother]

She looked up to him, pleading. "Just a while longer, please?" She wrapped her arms around his neck. More time. That's all she wanted. Just a few minutes more.

"Just stay with me until I fall asleep?" Her voice had gotten desperate and while she didn't want to, she knew she was descending into pleading. But this was important to her. She didn't want to see him leave. She wanted to be with him and have one last night where she could fall asleep with his arms around her. To have the rest of the night to pretend. Until she woke up in the morning

[greatlightother]

She felt the panic inside of her fade just a little and relief made her knees go weak. She could do this. His words did nothing to soothe her, though. She knew what he was talking about, simply because he had done the same for her. She had never done anything without him. Ever. Even when she was with Donny, Neil had been there. Somewhere.

She listened to the music in the background for a while, resting her head against his shoulder.

"You were that for me, Neil. Surely you know that? Tell me what I'm supposed to do when you're gone." It was a question she had asked him before, but there hadn't been an answer. There still wasn't an answer...and she knew it.

[greatlightother]

It didn't, but it was better than 'I don't know.' She accepted that easier than she would have, simply because she didn't want these last moments to be spent like that

[greatlightother]

She pulled her feet up and moved back, leaning against the wall with her feet pulled in tightly against her

[greatlightother]

She couldn't even think of that. To be happy? Why? What was the point? This aching feeling in her chest, that hollow place where she knew her heart was...that would never be fixed. There were too many memories attached to everything. Everything in her room. The paint on the wall. The way that her pillows smelled. It all reminded her of him. And she felt that, as long as she knew him, as long as she had these memories, that she could never really be happy. Because...she had known happiness.

And it didn't feel anything like this.

"I love you." She brought a kiss to his lips. "So much."

[greatlightother]

Before she settled down, she reached over to her bedside table and swallowed a pill that lay inside. She hadn't been able to sleep last night and she knew it would be a challenge tonight, too. And it wasn't fair to make him wait on something that might not come.

That finished, she pulled a quilt over her and rested against him, not yet willing to close her eyes.

"You shouldn't thank me for it. There was nothing else I could have done. I love you, Neil...and I would never had done anything other than try and make your life here better."

[greatlightother]

She nodded. "You have." And there wasn't anything left for her to say. She didn't know how long she would stay awake and it really didn't matter. They had done all that could be done. Spent the day together, watching terrible romantic comedies, walking in the woods, watching the sunrise. It was safe. It was normal. And now, as she curled up in his arms, she could think only of what life could be like. Not what it had been, but what it could have been. To grow old with him. To have a family. To do all the things she wanted to do.

But that wasn't her fate. That wasn't their fate.

She finally did close her eyes, unable to fight against the exhaustion, both physically and mentally, that wore away on her. "I love you," she told him softly.