Just Enough Time

[greatlightother]

Who: Sveta and Howie
Where: Starting in Howie's cabin, then ELSEWHERE
When: Sunday
Warnings: Just a whole lot of sad. Other than that...nope.

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[greatlightother]

It didn't, but it was better than 'I don't know.' She accepted that easier than she would have, simply because she didn't want these last moments to be spent like that.

Because she couldn't imagine this place without him. The Barge was not the Barge unless Howie was there. Things would change, and she knew those changes would probably not be for the best. But they would happen. And she would still be here. Angelica, Una, the Doctor...they were wonderful, but they weren't the same. No one would be.

For a moment, she just held onto him, keeping this in her memory. His arms around her...the way he felt, smelled, sounded...everything. This man she loved, she had fought for and who had fought for her...he was everything to her.

And he was leaving.

She stepped away from him silently, afraid that her words would shatter the moment and she would dissolve into tears. She got ready for sleep, moving like she was in a dream, and sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the floor. Finally, she spoke. "Did you accomplish what you wanted to today?"

[greatlightother]

She pulled her feet up and moved back, leaning against the wall with her feet pulled in tightly against her.

To live the life she deserved. But she didn't know what that life was. She had thought, one day, that she would grow up. Get married. Maybe have a baby. She would live in the city with her family and life would be normal. Then Anton came along. And the Barge. And Neil. And everything else that had turned that plan right on its head. She had never, never in her life loved as fiercely as she did on the Barge. She had never allowed herself to, because no man, to her, could live up to what she had imagined in her mind.

But she had learned here that it didn't matter. And now...she was learning again that fairy tales weren't real. She wasn't going to get her happily ever after. At least, not right now. It felt like forever though.

She took his hand and kissed it softly. "I know that. And I love you, too. And...I do believe that." Not as intensely as he did, but she had her own way of believing. It just didn't sound very convincing to her right now.

[greatlightother]

She couldn't even think of that. To be happy? Why? What was the point? This aching feeling in her chest, that hollow place where she knew her heart was...that would never be fixed. There were too many memories attached to everything. Everything in her room. The paint on the wall. The way that her pillows smelled. It all reminded her of him. And she felt that, as long as she knew him, as long as she had these memories, that she could never really be happy. Because...she had known happiness.

And it didn't feel anything like this.

"I love you." She brought a kiss to his lips. "So much."

[greatlightother]

Before she settled down, she reached over to her bedside table and swallowed a pill that lay inside. She hadn't been able to sleep last night and she knew it would be a challenge tonight, too. And it wasn't fair to make him wait on something that might not come.

That finished, she pulled a quilt over her and rested against him, not yet willing to close her eyes.

"You shouldn't thank me for it. There was nothing else I could have done. I love you, Neil...and I would never had done anything other than try and make your life here better."

[greatlightother]

She nodded. "You have." And there wasn't anything left for her to say. She didn't know how long she would stay awake and it really didn't matter. They had done all that could be done. Spent the day together, watching terrible romantic comedies, walking in the woods, watching the sunrise. It was safe. It was normal. And now, as she curled up in his arms, she could think only of what life could be like. Not what it had been, but what it could have been. To grow old with him. To have a family. To do all the things she wanted to do.

But that wasn't her fate. That wasn't their fate.

She finally did close her eyes, unable to fight against the exhaustion, both physically and mentally, that wore away on her. "I love you," she told him softly.