Aug 30, 2006 00:40
I'm not even sure what makes me want to update this thing. Maybe it's that I've noticed people checking it and I feel like maybe I should give everyone an update on my life. Well here goes.
There's absolutely nothing new. I'm pretty much off from work this week. I've been working two jobs all summer, and I got laid off from one of them for two weeks for some pension bullshit that would only get my blood pressure up to talk about. It's been relaxing, yet completely boring to have so much time to myself. I've been reading, and cleaning, and generally reminding myself that I actually enjoy my own company. I've made vague efforts to get back in touch with friends, but at the same time I'm not because I know that I need Alycia time, which is something I haven't had since I started working so much.
I basically spent my summer working and fishing. Which was so much more fun than I could have ever imagined. I worked until I wanted to die, and then fished until I couldn't keep my eyes open. It turns out that fishing is something I love beyond all reason. There's no explanation, it's just totally there. I love sitting there, watching a lighted bobber float in the water, waiting for it to go under. Hoping that the fish with the hook in it's back tied to the bobber will swim back and forth just enough to catch the attention of a bigger hungry fish. And when that bigger hungry fish eats that fish, and pulls the bobber under, I can pull him in, poke him, and set him free. And there's little that can make me happier after a long day at work.
I've also realized that sometimes it's one instant, one look, and one phrase that can change your entire perception of your own feelings, your own reality, and your own life. I saw Justin for the first time in over a year last week and it changed everything for me. It reminded me exactly how much I've missed and needed him in the last year. Made me realize how much I've depended on his love and support from across the nation, and how little I've given back to him for fear of giving myself away. It kindof made me feel like shit and made me feel like I had a lot to make up for all in one. It resurfaced a lot of feelings in a way that I wasn't totally prepared for, and I'm still not sure I am. I'm strong enough to figure out a way to handle it though, because if he's taught me anything over the last three years, it's that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
This summer has taught me a lot about myself and I'm just coming to realize it writing this. I think maybe I need to sit down and talk this out with someone before trying to write this out here. It just doesn't make sense coming out like this.