(no subject)
I have all these thoughts in my head that i can't seem to get out and it's driving me crazy. i hate not knowing what's wrong and I hate even more feeling like I can't do anything to fix it. Why do I still feel like this? so detatched, like I'm standing outside my body and just watching myself. I don't feel in my head, I haven't for awhile. and I hate it. I'm back on medication and I don't know how I really feel about it. On one hand I feel like I need it but on the other, I don't want to be dependant and feel like I can't be happy without it. I feel like there's so much wrong with me and if I could just say something or do something...i don't know...that I will get better. I care about him so much and it kills me to think that he might think badly of me. I want to talk to him about this like I do with mom or melissa, to tell him everything that's on my mind like I used to. I just want to be me but how can I when i don't even feel like I'm in my own head half the time? Sometimes I think I worry about it too much and that I'm just making myself worse. But then i also feel like the more I ignore it, the worse it gets too. I can't win. I can't beat this. I don't want to go back to how I was back then and more than anything I don't want to put him through what Dave and Derek went through. I got so depressed today and I don't really know why. Just because I woke him up and I felt bad? I don't know. And then I started thinking about the whole medication thing cuz mom's worried that maybe I'm not on the right stuff for what's going on with me right now. And then I started thinking about what I was talking to her about earlier too. About me and him. And how I absolutely hate how I'm feeling like this, like there's something wrong with me, when I want to just be like how I used to before all the bullshit happened. I want to be able to not doubt this and be sure of everything. I want to be able to put my entire self into this like I normally can. I'm holding back so much still because I'm honestly terrified of what might happen. All I can think sometimes is that this is too good to be true. I still can't believe that he likes me, that he wants to be with me, and for quite awhile. me. of all people. And he makes me so unbelievably happy. He really doesn't know. I want to be able to tell him. But I get timid and keep my mouth shut which I don't normally do. I wish I could talk to Dave about it, because he knows me, but I feel like I can't. Even though I feel like we're on civil terms now, every time I see his screen name I just can't bring myself to talk to him, cuz I get nervous. I thought about visiting him for thanksgiving, to say hi and whatnot, but of course I didn't.
What the hell is wrong with me? I wish I could just make my fucking head shut off.
I feel like if I talk it out enough, maybe I'll get it all out or that I'll finally figure it out. And then I'll be fine. But how can I even begin when most of the time I can't even bring myself to open my mouth let alone find the right words to say. My mind just seems to blank out whenever someone asks me what's wrong. Like legit asks me, not the bullshit where it's just what you say when someone's just sitting there. He asked me what I was thinking about and of course I was vague and kind of told him. But I couldn't keep going and when he asked me what else was wrong, i just said I don't know. And of course he was said that i did know. I just hate being like that around him. I don't really want him to see me like that even though he told me that he didn't care. and, really, what the hell is wrong with me? I have been wanting to have like a legit conversation about shit like that or, you know, just talk. and when I actually get the chance, what do I do? Yah, I fucking get nervous and don't talk. I really need to stop doing that.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just wish I could just be like I used to. I care about him alot, I really do. aaand I really like him. A lot. I guess that kind of makes me nervous too. I have liked him since we got here but I don't know.
I just worry too much. I need to stop thinking. Like now.
What the hell is wrong with me? I wish I could just make my fucking head shut off.
I feel like if I talk it out enough, maybe I'll get it all out or that I'll finally figure it out. And then I'll be fine. But how can I even begin when most of the time I can't even bring myself to open my mouth let alone find the right words to say. My mind just seems to blank out whenever someone asks me what's wrong. Like legit asks me, not the bullshit where it's just what you say when someone's just sitting there. He asked me what I was thinking about and of course I was vague and kind of told him. But I couldn't keep going and when he asked me what else was wrong, i just said I don't know. And of course he was said that i did know. I just hate being like that around him. I don't really want him to see me like that even though he told me that he didn't care. and, really, what the hell is wrong with me? I have been wanting to have like a legit conversation about shit like that or, you know, just talk. and when I actually get the chance, what do I do? Yah, I fucking get nervous and don't talk. I really need to stop doing that.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just wish I could just be like I used to. I care about him alot, I really do. aaand I really like him. A lot. I guess that kind of makes me nervous too. I have liked him since we got here but I don't know.
I just worry too much. I need to stop thinking. Like now.