okay, seriously you don't have to read this.
so things have been kind of ugly with me lately, as i'm sure you could tell. readers of this blog probably know that i am, in fact, batshit crazy from time to time (but who with an lj isn't? srsly. the land of emo.).
anyway, the whole reason for starting this blog was because i am a neurotically private, compartmentalized person and i was supposed to get some things out in the air. so if you don't want to read this, please don't. i would actually kind of prefer you don't, because at times like these i'm inflicted with, like, awful terrible attention-seeking drama compulsions which you would THINK would counteract my neurotic privateness but no, it just makes me more miserable and filled with self-loathing. anyway, the point is, when i get like this (as my dearest and closest therapists... er... friends know) i get weirdly paranoid. so i am going to make a list of the things i'm paranoid about because i figure it may be something like secrets or monsters in the closet. they get smaller when you bring them out in daylight.
i'm going to be fired from my job. this has evolved from "i don't know if i'm going to get my boss's job" to "i'm not going to get my boss's job like i was hoping to because i'm hideously underqualified" to "i'm underqualified for the job i currently have" to "i'm an unemployable, worthless sack of dog crap and they're just waiting to find an excuse to get rid of me." in a similar vein:
everyone at work hates me. now i know this isn't actually true because i work with
novenarik , and i am fairly sure that he doesn't hate me. i'm also fairly sure that there are a few other people who at least don't want me dead. there may be a few people who legitimately don't like me, but that should be something that i, as a human adult, should be able to deal with by now. but, to carry on with that same thought:
everyone hates me. like... everyone. my friends? oh, they hate me. it's not that they're busy or have problems of their own to deal with. they just hate me. this pretty much includes all of you, as well as all of my local friends, family, etc. i am a dramatic, needy, bitter, mean, prickly, and generally unwholesome individual and you all have little cabals in which you sit around in... i don't know, cloaks or something, and discuss how much you hate me. okay, how vain is that? first of all, i'm sure not ALL of you hate me, no matter how unwholesome i am, but second of all, even if you did hate me, why on god's green earth would you sit around devoting hours to discussing my bad points? vain. BUT, as you may have suspected, this choo-choo train of crazy keeps on going. next stop:
no, literally EVERYONE hates me. this includes people at the grocery store, library, gas station, in the halls of the school i work at, people in cars that stop beside mine at stop lights... EVERYONE. i am disgusting. i am loathesome to look upon. the very sight of me incites unspeakable rage in people and makes them throw up a little in their mouths. don't believe me? then how come people look at me? or how come they DON'T look at me? why do they move aside to let me past them, or why do they NOT move aside to let me past them? why do they breathe or NOT breathe? WHY I'LL TELL YOU WHY IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME. and you know what will make them hate me even more?
i am going to get so fat that i will have a complete lack of neck like certain creepy relatives of mine and/or my ears are going to fold in half and/or i'm going to have to ride around on a jazzy for the rest of my life. okay, yeah, this is a possibility. i don't know about the ear thing, but the rest of it certainly is. but if that does happen, that's kind of my own fault, isn't it? it is within my own personal power to change, right? except for the part where i am sure that subconsciously my being a big fat fatty is because i'm trying to give people a reason to hate or judge me because i do it to myself. subconsciously i see myself as a loathesome little (big) slimewad and want other people to look at me and go "OH HOLY CRAP IT'S LIKE THE STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN ONLY WOBBLIER SPARE THE CHILDREN" and all that so it's a mental battle or whatever. anyway, the point is... something.
also, throw in there somewhere that i'm an uninspired, uninspiring, untalented hack of a writer who will never amount to anything, will never grow up, will never be anything but a burden to her family and friends, and probably smells weird without being aware of it.
so that's the list of crazy. it was a bit theraputic to get it out there. they haven't all exactly turned from giantscary closetmonsters to harmless pairs of socks, but at least their teeth aren't quite as sharp.
anyway, the whole reason for starting this blog was because i am a neurotically private, compartmentalized person and i was supposed to get some things out in the air. so if you don't want to read this, please don't. i would actually kind of prefer you don't, because at times like these i'm inflicted with, like, awful terrible attention-seeking drama compulsions which you would THINK would counteract my neurotic privateness but no, it just makes me more miserable and filled with self-loathing. anyway, the point is, when i get like this (as my dearest and closest therapists... er... friends know) i get weirdly paranoid. so i am going to make a list of the things i'm paranoid about because i figure it may be something like secrets or monsters in the closet. they get smaller when you bring them out in daylight.
i'm going to be fired from my job. this has evolved from "i don't know if i'm going to get my boss's job" to "i'm not going to get my boss's job like i was hoping to because i'm hideously underqualified" to "i'm underqualified for the job i currently have" to "i'm an unemployable, worthless sack of dog crap and they're just waiting to find an excuse to get rid of me." in a similar vein:
everyone at work hates me. now i know this isn't actually true because i work with
novenarik , and i am fairly sure that he doesn't hate me. i'm also fairly sure that there are a few other people who at least don't want me dead. there may be a few people who legitimately don't like me, but that should be something that i, as a human adult, should be able to deal with by now. but, to carry on with that same thought:
everyone hates me. like... everyone. my friends? oh, they hate me. it's not that they're busy or have problems of their own to deal with. they just hate me. this pretty much includes all of you, as well as all of my local friends, family, etc. i am a dramatic, needy, bitter, mean, prickly, and generally unwholesome individual and you all have little cabals in which you sit around in... i don't know, cloaks or something, and discuss how much you hate me. okay, how vain is that? first of all, i'm sure not ALL of you hate me, no matter how unwholesome i am, but second of all, even if you did hate me, why on god's green earth would you sit around devoting hours to discussing my bad points? vain. BUT, as you may have suspected, this choo-choo train of crazy keeps on going. next stop:
no, literally EVERYONE hates me. this includes people at the grocery store, library, gas station, in the halls of the school i work at, people in cars that stop beside mine at stop lights... EVERYONE. i am disgusting. i am loathesome to look upon. the very sight of me incites unspeakable rage in people and makes them throw up a little in their mouths. don't believe me? then how come people look at me? or how come they DON'T look at me? why do they move aside to let me past them, or why do they NOT move aside to let me past them? why do they breathe or NOT breathe? WHY I'LL TELL YOU WHY IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME. and you know what will make them hate me even more?
i am going to get so fat that i will have a complete lack of neck like certain creepy relatives of mine and/or my ears are going to fold in half and/or i'm going to have to ride around on a jazzy for the rest of my life. okay, yeah, this is a possibility. i don't know about the ear thing, but the rest of it certainly is. but if that does happen, that's kind of my own fault, isn't it? it is within my own personal power to change, right? except for the part where i am sure that subconsciously my being a big fat fatty is because i'm trying to give people a reason to hate or judge me because i do it to myself. subconsciously i see myself as a loathesome little (big) slimewad and want other people to look at me and go "OH HOLY CRAP IT'S LIKE THE STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN ONLY WOBBLIER SPARE THE CHILDREN" and all that so it's a mental battle or whatever. anyway, the point is... something.
also, throw in there somewhere that i'm an uninspired, uninspiring, untalented hack of a writer who will never amount to anything, will never grow up, will never be anything but a burden to her family and friends, and probably smells weird without being aware of it.
so that's the list of crazy. it was a bit theraputic to get it out there. they haven't all exactly turned from giantscary closetmonsters to harmless pairs of socks, but at least their teeth aren't quite as sharp.