Can I please have another crack at being then
I'm thinking about alot of things tonight. Mostly just what I'd like to see. I know that expectation and nostalgia are the quickest routes to unnecessary suffering, but my nostrils begin to burn if I stay to aware of the moment. Fucking cold wet Michigan. I love this state. I don't know why. I mean I could come up with a hundred reasons why, and probably a thousand counter arguments. Right now it's just the weather, and this cold, and the loneliness. Missing friends I can just call up and listen to albums with and totally feel like myself around. Missing time. To be truthful I don't even know what feels like me anymore. Everything feels a million miles from comfortable. But as I told someone else this week "there's alot of space between stars." I knew when I decided to take on new things it would lead me away from what I had known. I just didn't know it'd be so long until I felt whole again. I'm beginning to wonder if that feeling isn't a manufactured memory. Something I tell myself once was. I'd like more often to be just grateful, and to a great extent I know that I am. I can honestly say that much of the expectation that caused me grief is gone, and I just appreciate all the wonder that surrounds me. Then again, some of that wonder begins to feel alot like hunger. I remember people and those people inevitably are placed in places where there are memories. I wonder how they are now and hope that it is as fun as the times we shared seem to me. I want to experience that feeling of being with them here now. Even when I see them on occasion all that warmth comes back, maybe even more, because dammit I love them and I just want to spend time. Time discovering, appreciating, I want to dream together again. I guess i'm saying I hope to see you in my sleep.