tell me now where was my fault in loving you with all my heart.
I hide a lot from everyone but one thing I've hid exceptionally well with some clothing and a smile is my overwhelming need to harm myself in times of great stress or when my anxiety comes in massive waves. It's a terrible thing that I've struggled with all my life. The biggest reason I hid it was because those kind of people are usually generalized into a selfish attention-seeking group of people that I never wanted to be apart of. I think the concept is silly and unnecessary from an outside view (when I'm in my right mind) but when the sadness and depression strikes I want nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. I feel so misunderstood by everyone around me. I think the strangest thoughts. Sometimes I want to laugh when I'm in a room full of people because we all have noses and eyes and that makes me feel weird. Watching people sometimes makes me lose my appetite because on my pessimistic days I feel we are but maggots writhing in our own corruption!
I'm rambling. This journal has become the depression files.
My boyfriend as of now is the first person I've ever shown and told. His reaction was concerned at first. He tried to help me for 8 months and I slipped up. I am ashamed to say it happened again and now he wants space and time away from me. We haven't talked in 2 days and he says he doesn't know if he can marry someone who can't control themselves. It drives me crazy when he says he needs space. This isn't the first time but it is the longest we haven't been on great terms. As of right now I feel pathetic. Useless. Stupid. Mentally unstable. All I want is to be HAPPY, NORMAL, and able to function correctly in a relationship. When I try to talk to him about ANYTHING he says I'm starting a fight and he begins to yell. This pushes me to the edge! It makes me want to fight when he accuses me of starting a fight! I'M REALLY NOT. I'm really trying to just communicate. I almost feel like this is a sign to permanently end things because what is the point of a relationship if you can't share all your thoughts and feelings with that person. Who cares if we disagree? It's not a fight if you talk about your different ideas!
Now, more than ever, I see that I am strong, beautiful, talented, and a good HONEST person despite my mistakes I only told to keep my neck from the chopping block. It's important to feel strong. The more I say it, the more I will feel it. The more I say it, the more I will feel it.
I'm rambling. This journal has become the depression files.
My boyfriend as of now is the first person I've ever shown and told. His reaction was concerned at first. He tried to help me for 8 months and I slipped up. I am ashamed to say it happened again and now he wants space and time away from me. We haven't talked in 2 days and he says he doesn't know if he can marry someone who can't control themselves. It drives me crazy when he says he needs space. This isn't the first time but it is the longest we haven't been on great terms. As of right now I feel pathetic. Useless. Stupid. Mentally unstable. All I want is to be HAPPY, NORMAL, and able to function correctly in a relationship. When I try to talk to him about ANYTHING he says I'm starting a fight and he begins to yell. This pushes me to the edge! It makes me want to fight when he accuses me of starting a fight! I'M REALLY NOT. I'm really trying to just communicate. I almost feel like this is a sign to permanently end things because what is the point of a relationship if you can't share all your thoughts and feelings with that person. Who cares if we disagree? It's not a fight if you talk about your different ideas!
Now, more than ever, I see that I am strong, beautiful, talented, and a good HONEST person despite my mistakes I only told to keep my neck from the chopping block. It's important to feel strong. The more I say it, the more I will feel it. The more I say it, the more I will feel it.