Better.
There are certain mental traits that I am working towards cultivating within my own life. Certain realizations have been hitting me harder than ever. One realization is that cynicism does not make me profound nor deep. In fact, it's an extremely limiting way to see. To continuously contain such pessimism, doubt, & anger is to refrain from clear vision, wider perspectives, & brilliant ideas entirely. To possess a dark & negative mindset, even if only within my journal, does not open the door to new possibilities. In fact, it shuts the door, locks it tight, & throws away the key. Cynicism does not enable me to be informed, knowledgable, or intelligent. Cynicism allows no room for creativity. Rather, it constricts the flow of oxygen, to the point of asphyxiation, before an idea even has the chance to breathe.
Although I do enjoy works of art that contain more darker themes, the fact of the matter is that they are merely works of art. They are created & then released. They are not permanent. They are not entire life perspectives, belonging to entire human beings. They are not rockets built for the soul to ride. Truly, the soul needs no rocket. The soul may in fact BE a rocket. Like I was saying, works of art are merely expressions, of something once felt, something once seen, something once loved.
I am learning to expect the positive in life. To expect the positive is a far different experience than to simply pray for the positive, or even to truly believe in or hope for the positive. I am beginning to see, to truly feel within the core of my being, without any sort of force or pretense, that the deepest, truest form of individuality lies not in how well I can analyze the darkness within the human mind, or even in how well I can "cope" & "live with" that darkness. The ultimate uniqueness lies in how happy I can be.
I never truly thought that darkness made me unique. Or if I have thought such a thing, it was likely over a decade ago. But, the darkness was what I felt most drawn to, without any mindful effort on my part whatsoever. I suppose that darkness is something like a black hole. It exists outside the self, though it appears to be all-encompassing. & not only is it so dark, but it contains a powerful suction that is often difficult to deny.
But, these days, I am learning to feel lighter. Even on the days that feeling lighter does not come natural, I remind myself to wield those illuminating rays, & more often than not, that effort pays off.
I have also realized that I do not need to feel afraid in my life. That is absolutely not to say that I will never again experience fear. We will all experience fear until the end of our days. It's hardwired into our brains, & for good reason. Although I was rarely one to say, "I feel afraid," I usually described that fear as being something like hesitation, anxiety, dread, panic, self-doubt, procrastination, or the like. It wasn't an analyzation of minute details that enabled me to realize that I have no reason to be afraid. Rather, it was simply a far-sighted, objective look at myself that lasted no longer than a moment.
Of course these realizations are not going to last forever, from this moment on, with never again a doubt invading my brain. I am not so foolish. There's always going to be that shit that hits the fan. I am human. I am flawed. In fact, I am deeply flawed. ALL humans screw up. We try not to, but sometimes, we screw up. It's normal. Point is, I am having these beautiful realizations NOW. These realizations are the ultimate of truths. They exist whether I acknowledge them or not, whether I remember them or not... knowing this comforts me.
I'm a strong, powerful, intelligent lady. I actually realized, the other day, that I could truly hurt someone if I so wanted. Mentally or physically, I do possess the ability (though thankfully not the will) to cause pain to others. This realization allowed me to realize that I can lower my guard & yet I will still be protected. I can afford to cultivate a deeper, more refined level of grace & I do not have to rely on my ability to be aggressive. I do not have to constantly prepare myself to fight. Should I suddenly be required to fight, I can trust myself to know that I will know how to fight.
Other than that, what have I been doing? Finalizing my portfolio/preparing for possible internships, working on my beach body, thinking about other countries, & truly looking into the eyes of others. Looking into their eyes, & (finally) not seeing myself in their eyes, but rather, seeing them. The times I am able to do this, to peer into the eyes of others, & to see only them (as opposed to the terrible reflection of myself that I used to see), I must say, they seem to notice, & they seem to appreciate it. Even the children notice & smile back. Not just with their faces, but with portions of their souls, which seem to say, "You gave me some hope. Here is some for you in return."
It sounds like I have been feeling all peachy-keen, but to tell you the truth, that's not the case. Recently, I did manage to get out of my brain for a while, & the vacation from my self has been doing me good. The brain can be an incredibly self-destructive machine. Anyway, I am putting forth effort, everyday, to read something uplifting & nourishing to my spirit. Generally, I do this as soon as I wake up, as well as right before I go to sleep. I also have been putting forth effort into finding connections in the world, however vague they may seem. Why? Because it's my life. I can't afford to destroy it. I can't afford to talk shit on it. I can't afford to passively stand by, watching it run whatever course it's propelled onto, while failing to realize the extent of my power.
Sometimes, I forget this. But, on the whole, it seems that something deep within me is striving to remember.
Although I do enjoy works of art that contain more darker themes, the fact of the matter is that they are merely works of art. They are created & then released. They are not permanent. They are not entire life perspectives, belonging to entire human beings. They are not rockets built for the soul to ride. Truly, the soul needs no rocket. The soul may in fact BE a rocket. Like I was saying, works of art are merely expressions, of something once felt, something once seen, something once loved.
I am learning to expect the positive in life. To expect the positive is a far different experience than to simply pray for the positive, or even to truly believe in or hope for the positive. I am beginning to see, to truly feel within the core of my being, without any sort of force or pretense, that the deepest, truest form of individuality lies not in how well I can analyze the darkness within the human mind, or even in how well I can "cope" & "live with" that darkness. The ultimate uniqueness lies in how happy I can be.
I never truly thought that darkness made me unique. Or if I have thought such a thing, it was likely over a decade ago. But, the darkness was what I felt most drawn to, without any mindful effort on my part whatsoever. I suppose that darkness is something like a black hole. It exists outside the self, though it appears to be all-encompassing. & not only is it so dark, but it contains a powerful suction that is often difficult to deny.
But, these days, I am learning to feel lighter. Even on the days that feeling lighter does not come natural, I remind myself to wield those illuminating rays, & more often than not, that effort pays off.
I have also realized that I do not need to feel afraid in my life. That is absolutely not to say that I will never again experience fear. We will all experience fear until the end of our days. It's hardwired into our brains, & for good reason. Although I was rarely one to say, "I feel afraid," I usually described that fear as being something like hesitation, anxiety, dread, panic, self-doubt, procrastination, or the like. It wasn't an analyzation of minute details that enabled me to realize that I have no reason to be afraid. Rather, it was simply a far-sighted, objective look at myself that lasted no longer than a moment.
Of course these realizations are not going to last forever, from this moment on, with never again a doubt invading my brain. I am not so foolish. There's always going to be that shit that hits the fan. I am human. I am flawed. In fact, I am deeply flawed. ALL humans screw up. We try not to, but sometimes, we screw up. It's normal. Point is, I am having these beautiful realizations NOW. These realizations are the ultimate of truths. They exist whether I acknowledge them or not, whether I remember them or not... knowing this comforts me.
I'm a strong, powerful, intelligent lady. I actually realized, the other day, that I could truly hurt someone if I so wanted. Mentally or physically, I do possess the ability (though thankfully not the will) to cause pain to others. This realization allowed me to realize that I can lower my guard & yet I will still be protected. I can afford to cultivate a deeper, more refined level of grace & I do not have to rely on my ability to be aggressive. I do not have to constantly prepare myself to fight. Should I suddenly be required to fight, I can trust myself to know that I will know how to fight.
Other than that, what have I been doing? Finalizing my portfolio/preparing for possible internships, working on my beach body, thinking about other countries, & truly looking into the eyes of others. Looking into their eyes, & (finally) not seeing myself in their eyes, but rather, seeing them. The times I am able to do this, to peer into the eyes of others, & to see only them (as opposed to the terrible reflection of myself that I used to see), I must say, they seem to notice, & they seem to appreciate it. Even the children notice & smile back. Not just with their faces, but with portions of their souls, which seem to say, "You gave me some hope. Here is some for you in return."
It sounds like I have been feeling all peachy-keen, but to tell you the truth, that's not the case. Recently, I did manage to get out of my brain for a while, & the vacation from my self has been doing me good. The brain can be an incredibly self-destructive machine. Anyway, I am putting forth effort, everyday, to read something uplifting & nourishing to my spirit. Generally, I do this as soon as I wake up, as well as right before I go to sleep. I also have been putting forth effort into finding connections in the world, however vague they may seem. Why? Because it's my life. I can't afford to destroy it. I can't afford to talk shit on it. I can't afford to passively stand by, watching it run whatever course it's propelled onto, while failing to realize the extent of my power.
Sometimes, I forget this. But, on the whole, it seems that something deep within me is striving to remember.