What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared.
It's weird to think that in a little over an hour, my years as a teenager are over. And it's even weirder to think that in four days I will be leaving Pittsburgh without looking back. I'm real excited to come back to Snyder County, because it's like Steven and my dad and so many people kept telling me, it's not like I was doing so great here. I got fired from a job for the first time, then fired from another one. I got stuck with a boyfriend who physically hurt me and treated me like a piece of shit. I was broke 95% of the time. And I was miserable here. So now it's time to go back and start over new. I already have a lot of things planned for myself. I'm planning on taking the time I come back to focus on me and my life and picking up the pieces. I'm going to start working on making my dreams come true.
But part of me is going to miss Pittsburgh. Well not so much Pittsburgh, but the times I've had here. There have been so many crazy sober nights and so many crazy drunken nights too. And I have made some of the most incredible friends and have had some of the greatest people enter my life. I've also met a lot of pieces of shit that were never worth my time but that I tried to give the benefit of the doubt. I came here young and naive and am leaving here stronger, smarter and older.
I miss being able to sit down here at the computer and being able to just write. The words used to flow out so easily. Now if I sit down to write, it's like my mind is a complete blank. I don't really use this anymore because I don't think anybody reads it, but I don't want to write about my life really or what I do on a daily basis anyway. It amuses me to look back just a couple entries and see how different my life was just two short years ago compared to now. It's funny how things change. I just want to be able to write about anything and everything again. I want to be able to write something that means something. I want to write more than just empty words, and sometimes I feel like that's all I'm writing anymore.
I wish you would stop lying to me about stupid shit and stop being shady. I am not your girlfriend. I don't care what you're doing or who you're with. I'm not dating you or trying to date you. Just be my friend and be honest with me, like I have always been with you. It shouldn't be so hard. Instead of telling me what you're doing from now on, just tell me you have plans if you do and tha'ts why you cannot hang out. Don't tell me some stupid lie because somehow I always find out the truth.
It's weird to kind of be in the middle of the city and hear crickets chirping. But it's nice and relaxing too. It reminds me of home. It reminds me of nights spent laying down on Shooter's back while he was sleeping, and falling asleep with him. It reminds me of nights where I walked out to his pasture, sat on the stump and smoked a cigarette while he sniffed me, nuzzled me and lipped at my hair. And most of all it makes me remember the nights of riding him around bareback with nothing but moonlight shining down on us. It also reminds me of the walks that seemed too long for the hangouts that seemed too short.
This has been random. And jumbled. I'll probably delete it in an hour.