A heart that breaks like the promises that you made
It's kind of funny in sad way to sit here and think about how much I've changed from last summer to this summer, and how much of myself I have lost. It's really kind of sad how one person can completely change everything about you. How you feel about certain things. What kind of person you are. Who your friends are. Just everything. It's absolutely pathetic to get so caught up in someone that you lose sight of who you really are and what really matters. You lost sight of the people who matter. You lose sight of the things you love. You put what's important on the back burner. You don't care about anything or anyone else. You lose everyone and everything except for that one person, and then when you lose that person, you have nobody and nothing.
But I can't blame that one person. It's entirely my fault. I let it happen. I let myself get caught up and wrapped up in him even when I knew better. So many people who genuinely cared about me and loved me tried to save me from him. They tried to get me to open my eyes. They tried to get me away. But typical stubborn me had to learn the hard way. And where has it gotten me? Absolutely nowhere. The end result was me bruised, heart broken and I now have a PFA. I'm absolutely miserable. I hate my life. I hate where I'm at in my life. I hate everything. I hate pretty much every one. I have lost so much of myself that it depresses me. I lost sight of who I am and what I am. I was so brainwashed and just captivated by him. And looking back on it, I don't understand it at all. I gave up people who mattered. I let myself lose some of the most amazing and beautiful people in my life. I pretty much completely quit horseback riding. I gave up my dreams and my hopes and my passions. And for what? Absolutely nothing. I gave all of myself, I gave up everything that mattered, for absolutely nothing in return. I always thought love was a kind of give and take kind of thing. And I guess it was...I gave everything I had to offer and he took it., but gave nothing back in return. I guess some lessons are just best learned the hard way.
And that's the only reason I don't regret the way it happened or what I did or why I did it. Because I learned from it. I grew stronger because of it. And I'm slowly piecing my life back together. I'm slowly getting back on track. I'm realizing who matters, and what matters. I'm realizing who really is worth my time and who isn't. I'm realizing I have some of the most incredible people in my life who tried to open my eyes for me and then either waited patiently for me to open them myself, or just got frustrated to the point of walking away. And they had every right to because I wasn't me. I wasn't the Liz everybody knew and adored. I was a different person. I wasn't a fighter anymore. I was selfish. I was irritable. I was mean. And I thought I knew everything. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought it was all okay, and when I realized it wasn't I tried to stick it out just to prove everybody wrong. And when it finally got to the point where I realized I had no choice but to walk away, he made it almost impossible. I lost chances for so many great things because of him. I lost the chance to be with someone who loved me for who I was, not for who he wants me to be. I lost the chance for something great, even wonderful or incredibly amazing. I lost my dreams. I lost sight of what mattered. I lost my heart. Everything's slowly coming back. And hopefully it all will. I am fully aware that I don't deserve the great people in my life. I pushed them aside. I lied to them. I did everything a real friend shouldn't do. And as much as I want to be the old Liz again, the Liz I was before him, I know I never will be.
Instead, I'm going to try to be even better. I'm going to get things back on track. I'm going to get my priorities figured out. I'm going to love fully. I'm going to be selfless. I'm going to give everything of myself to those who truly deserve it. And I'm going to throw my heart out there for that one person to do whatever he wants with it...cherish it, protect it, break it, whatever. Because what good is life anymore if you don't take chances?