(no subject)
Rung in the New Year with my friends, at a strange dual-party where we were the tame group... I suppose. Another friend was having a large party with drinking and such with her two groups of friends. Our group was the sober group that felt a smidge out of place. It was alright though - Nate, Steve, and I made a Genaurdi's run at 10 when we were basically the only three there. It was a roaring good time.
After the ball dropped a couple of us left the party to hang out elsewhere and have deep conversations about the path towards the ultimate truth and other great questions to ponder at the turning of the year. I am seriously considering becoming a Won Buddhist, it seems like a good path with many communities for group practice in the area(Philly seems to be a popular Buddhist hub, go figure).
The only thing holding me back from this move is my irrational, semi-conscious belief that I deserve the punishment of emotional suffering. I do not know why I believe I deserve this, only that it feels as though in my past I've done something heinous and I need penance. The only thing is, I'm really not one for heinous - I'm an eccentric, but beside my straying from the path of what is socially preferred, I am rather tame in my actions. I'm an scholarly-spiritual type, not a party-type, drinker, or smoker - and nothing really happen adverse to me in my formative years. My hunch is that it was a mix of going to a Catholic elementary school(no offense to Catholics, though I left the religion at 12, I believe it is not bad or wrong in and of itself) and my inate hyper-sensitivity.
What makes my state worse is that I am rationally irrational; I know my actions are irrational, I know the rational thought process I should follow, and, furthermore, I know how to change my state. I am, however, paralysized by fear. I fear changing my state. I fear happiness. At least in general sadness, I cannot fall, I have fallen already and my state is no longer precarious. Happiness carries the possibility that I could fall. I could be content, I could have good things, I could like myself, but then I could end up dissappointing myself. I could fail myself and everyone I love... and I do not know which state is worse.
One ought not worry about the future, it cannot be affected by anything but present actions. Being paralysized by fear does not stop one from getting hurt, only from living, and what good is a life of sadness, consistent sadness, but sadness all the same, when one could easily live, and experience every facet of life and emotion.
I know all this, but I still do not know whether I can follow it.
Won't you sing to me
The perfect song
That I might smile again
After the ball dropped a couple of us left the party to hang out elsewhere and have deep conversations about the path towards the ultimate truth and other great questions to ponder at the turning of the year. I am seriously considering becoming a Won Buddhist, it seems like a good path with many communities for group practice in the area(Philly seems to be a popular Buddhist hub, go figure).
The only thing holding me back from this move is my irrational, semi-conscious belief that I deserve the punishment of emotional suffering. I do not know why I believe I deserve this, only that it feels as though in my past I've done something heinous and I need penance. The only thing is, I'm really not one for heinous - I'm an eccentric, but beside my straying from the path of what is socially preferred, I am rather tame in my actions. I'm an scholarly-spiritual type, not a party-type, drinker, or smoker - and nothing really happen adverse to me in my formative years. My hunch is that it was a mix of going to a Catholic elementary school(no offense to Catholics, though I left the religion at 12, I believe it is not bad or wrong in and of itself) and my inate hyper-sensitivity.
What makes my state worse is that I am rationally irrational; I know my actions are irrational, I know the rational thought process I should follow, and, furthermore, I know how to change my state. I am, however, paralysized by fear. I fear changing my state. I fear happiness. At least in general sadness, I cannot fall, I have fallen already and my state is no longer precarious. Happiness carries the possibility that I could fall. I could be content, I could have good things, I could like myself, but then I could end up dissappointing myself. I could fail myself and everyone I love... and I do not know which state is worse.
One ought not worry about the future, it cannot be affected by anything but present actions. Being paralysized by fear does not stop one from getting hurt, only from living, and what good is a life of sadness, consistent sadness, but sadness all the same, when one could easily live, and experience every facet of life and emotion.
I know all this, but I still do not know whether I can follow it.
Won't you sing to me
The perfect song
That I might smile again