Hmm
Today's been....an interesting day all the way round. Modern Ireland involved a great quote about a law passed during the Irish Civil War of 1921-23: "This act allowed for arrest, imprisonment, and execution without trial or evidence. Kind of like the Patriot Act, except they can't actually execute you under that one. Yet." I love my MI professor, and I'm taking another class with him next quarter XD And again in the spring!! Then just after Chaucer I came to the abrupt realisation that Troilus & Criseyde is really the story of the geek president of chess club, the head cheerleader/prom queen, and the captain of the football team (Troilus, Criseyde, and Diomede respectively.) The head cheerleader hangs out with the geek cause he's got something she wants (in the poem, social position and influence; in high school, brains with which to complete homework), but then when the captain of the football team asks her out, she drops the geek like a bag of moldy something or other and runs off to Mr. Quarterback. It all makes sense, really, and my prof thought so too!
Anyway....
Too many people around me are hurting right now and I can't make it better :( I don't like seeing people unhappy. I mean, I'm trying to do what I can in the way of reassurance and sympathy, but....
(More than half an hour later...)
So back to this entry, then, I suppose. My rant last night made me feel vaguely better, but not enough to really fix anything. In one way it's nice to have those feelings clarified and set down. It kind of gives me a sense of purpose and a clear definition of what I am looking for. And yet, at the same time, it makes me more miserable. I know what I want, but I can't have it, or at least I'm not going to get it anytime soon. Yes, I'm impatient. I'm twenty-one years old. I haven't learned patience or wisdom yet. I'm a freaking kid still, I can be impatient and I can whine. Nobody asked you to read it.
Theoretically I know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, an end to this road. I understand that in the intellectual sense. But emotionally I feel like I have been here forever and I will never be allowed to leave. It's very much teh sentiment from "My Immortal." "Though you're still with me, I've been alone all along." That is really how I feel about so many things, to such an incredibly painful degree. I keep giving. I keep giving and giving and giving. No one ever wants to give back. I don't understand which part of the equation I'm doing wrong. I mean, I know that I cannot apply logic to emotional situations and expect it to work; that is not the way the system operates. Regardless, though, the law of probability says that it should not have turned out this badly, so many times.
What the hell did I do in my last life to deserve this?
*sigh* And to top it all off, the more the quarter progresses, the more I feel like a complete fucking moron in all of my classes except for maybe Modern Ireland. I completely forgot every word I had learned for my Japanese vocab quiz on Monday. Then despite having studied it again, I forgot it again today. And Sato-sensei was looking at me expectantly and finally all I could come up with was "Wakarimasen"--I don't understand. Islamic Civ is just a lost cause at this point. I haven't done any of the reading nor do I intend to, and I keep sleeping through class. I am doing all right--I got an 85 on the midterm--but I just...
I feel like I am wasting the last year of college. I spend so fucking much time on schoolwork. This will be reduced next quarter, when I'm only taking three classes and they should be relatively easy (thank God for 200's with Heyck instead of 300's), but still, I feel....lost. I feel as though I have been set adrift. The things I worked so hard to put back together over the last few years are falling apart again because I don't know how to hold them together. I'm a fucking master at rebuilding because I've had so goddamn much practice at it. It's just a good demonstration of how incredibly weak I am. One good blow shatters everything and I have to start anew. One of these days, I am going to break and not be able to put everything back together, because I will have mended everything so many times that there are no pieces big enough to start rebuilding. I feel like I am completely diminished from the person that I was four years ago. In some ways I suppose I have grown throughout my college career. In so many others I feel like I am less. I am less trusting, I am less innocent, I am less able to care for people. I am less confident. I feel like I am actually less intelligent than I used to be--which isn't much. I am less creative. I used to be able to write happy stories. I no longer can. They tell you to write what you know, so I do. It leads to an incredibly dark and depressing corpus of work.
At this point I have literally no clue where this entry is going, but words keep coming into my brain, and so I type them. And you know, that's really all that this journal consists of. It consists of my mindless babble. There is no real point to it. There is no worth or value. It is simply the stream-of-consciousness ramble of a little dipshit college girl who likes to pretend she's grown up, all the while recognizing that she's really nothing more than a little child who wants to play with the adults.
I suppose it all boils down to the same thing in the end, a lament that I have repeated frequently over the last few weeks and, indeed, over the last few years.
I am so amazingly, incredibly, unbearably tired of being alone.
And the more I think about that choice I have to make at Thanksgiving--the one in which I can do the correct moral thing, or choose the self-destructive option--the more frightened I am that I am just not strong enough to make the choice that I know I should make. I know I'm weak. I choose what's easy. I also seem to draw destruction upon myself. Eben made that point a few days ago--asking me why I feel that my relationships work out the way they do in regards to attraction and personality. At the time, I yelled at him for it. But he's probably right. I wish I knew how to fix that problem. It would be nice to not hurt anymore.
I wish I had my Pagan rosary. I really, really feel the need to just throw myself into a trance state via prayer, and stay there until I have an answer. I don't care how long it takes. I just need the answer. I...
I want.
That's pretty much it, in a nutshell. I want. I might even go so far as to say I need.
Please?
I guess I've talked too long, judging by the scroll bar here on my LJ client....
So, goodnight, LJ. All this rambling....I should probably LJ-cut, but you know, right now I just don't care. And it's my goddamn journal anyway.
Anyway....
Too many people around me are hurting right now and I can't make it better :( I don't like seeing people unhappy. I mean, I'm trying to do what I can in the way of reassurance and sympathy, but....
(More than half an hour later...)
So back to this entry, then, I suppose. My rant last night made me feel vaguely better, but not enough to really fix anything. In one way it's nice to have those feelings clarified and set down. It kind of gives me a sense of purpose and a clear definition of what I am looking for. And yet, at the same time, it makes me more miserable. I know what I want, but I can't have it, or at least I'm not going to get it anytime soon. Yes, I'm impatient. I'm twenty-one years old. I haven't learned patience or wisdom yet. I'm a freaking kid still, I can be impatient and I can whine. Nobody asked you to read it.
Theoretically I know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, an end to this road. I understand that in the intellectual sense. But emotionally I feel like I have been here forever and I will never be allowed to leave. It's very much teh sentiment from "My Immortal." "Though you're still with me, I've been alone all along." That is really how I feel about so many things, to such an incredibly painful degree. I keep giving. I keep giving and giving and giving. No one ever wants to give back. I don't understand which part of the equation I'm doing wrong. I mean, I know that I cannot apply logic to emotional situations and expect it to work; that is not the way the system operates. Regardless, though, the law of probability says that it should not have turned out this badly, so many times.
What the hell did I do in my last life to deserve this?
*sigh* And to top it all off, the more the quarter progresses, the more I feel like a complete fucking moron in all of my classes except for maybe Modern Ireland. I completely forgot every word I had learned for my Japanese vocab quiz on Monday. Then despite having studied it again, I forgot it again today. And Sato-sensei was looking at me expectantly and finally all I could come up with was "Wakarimasen"--I don't understand. Islamic Civ is just a lost cause at this point. I haven't done any of the reading nor do I intend to, and I keep sleeping through class. I am doing all right--I got an 85 on the midterm--but I just...
I feel like I am wasting the last year of college. I spend so fucking much time on schoolwork. This will be reduced next quarter, when I'm only taking three classes and they should be relatively easy (thank God for 200's with Heyck instead of 300's), but still, I feel....lost. I feel as though I have been set adrift. The things I worked so hard to put back together over the last few years are falling apart again because I don't know how to hold them together. I'm a fucking master at rebuilding because I've had so goddamn much practice at it. It's just a good demonstration of how incredibly weak I am. One good blow shatters everything and I have to start anew. One of these days, I am going to break and not be able to put everything back together, because I will have mended everything so many times that there are no pieces big enough to start rebuilding. I feel like I am completely diminished from the person that I was four years ago. In some ways I suppose I have grown throughout my college career. In so many others I feel like I am less. I am less trusting, I am less innocent, I am less able to care for people. I am less confident. I feel like I am actually less intelligent than I used to be--which isn't much. I am less creative. I used to be able to write happy stories. I no longer can. They tell you to write what you know, so I do. It leads to an incredibly dark and depressing corpus of work.
At this point I have literally no clue where this entry is going, but words keep coming into my brain, and so I type them. And you know, that's really all that this journal consists of. It consists of my mindless babble. There is no real point to it. There is no worth or value. It is simply the stream-of-consciousness ramble of a little dipshit college girl who likes to pretend she's grown up, all the while recognizing that she's really nothing more than a little child who wants to play with the adults.
I suppose it all boils down to the same thing in the end, a lament that I have repeated frequently over the last few weeks and, indeed, over the last few years.
I am so amazingly, incredibly, unbearably tired of being alone.
And the more I think about that choice I have to make at Thanksgiving--the one in which I can do the correct moral thing, or choose the self-destructive option--the more frightened I am that I am just not strong enough to make the choice that I know I should make. I know I'm weak. I choose what's easy. I also seem to draw destruction upon myself. Eben made that point a few days ago--asking me why I feel that my relationships work out the way they do in regards to attraction and personality. At the time, I yelled at him for it. But he's probably right. I wish I knew how to fix that problem. It would be nice to not hurt anymore.
I wish I had my Pagan rosary. I really, really feel the need to just throw myself into a trance state via prayer, and stay there until I have an answer. I don't care how long it takes. I just need the answer. I...
I want.
That's pretty much it, in a nutshell. I want. I might even go so far as to say I need.
Please?
I guess I've talked too long, judging by the scroll bar here on my LJ client....
So, goodnight, LJ. All this rambling....I should probably LJ-cut, but you know, right now I just don't care. And it's my goddamn journal anyway.