(no subject)
This disease makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and be like "Fine, You win" because I STILL HAVE NOT HAD A DAY OF NORMAL EATING.
My esophagus is either stretched/torn/etc which is expected when you spend $50 for binge food a day and throw up around 20 to 50 times a day. *sigh*
YET I AM HOPEFUL because I woke today with the conviction of making this my recovery year regardless of life events outside the only advancement I will focus on is my ED and everything else is supplemental. I ate breakfast with too much coffee but that coffee is to help with volume because I am a volume eater and drinking that coffee bloats me and lets me know I am done which I know isn't a normal or correct association with fullness but its better than binging.
Goal: Get period and increase 14% body fat to enough I get my period. My body is falling apart which I have always kinda wanted....awww that's sad. Things were never supposed to get this bad...my disorder is like the ones you see on internvention. Ever see Amy P.? That's me but with more weight on my bones and I don't exercise because I am binging and purging.
Anywho, I wrote/I read/I prayed....I will go to work....I will go straight to an OA meeting after work and then the challenge will come because evenings I am alone.
I have no friends because 4 to 5 hours a day I binge and purge ontop of going to work so when people try to schedule things with me I cancel so no wonder they don't call, stopped calling and we don't talk anymore.
I WANT FRIENDS, but what do you do with friends that deosn't cost money?
Just Rambling, but Just for Today I can be recovery. Just for Today I can have one day of no binging, following my food plan, have no friends and still not hide in the food. JUST FOR TODAY
My esophagus is either stretched/torn/etc which is expected when you spend $50 for binge food a day and throw up around 20 to 50 times a day. *sigh*
YET I AM HOPEFUL because I woke today with the conviction of making this my recovery year regardless of life events outside the only advancement I will focus on is my ED and everything else is supplemental. I ate breakfast with too much coffee but that coffee is to help with volume because I am a volume eater and drinking that coffee bloats me and lets me know I am done which I know isn't a normal or correct association with fullness but its better than binging.
Goal: Get period and increase 14% body fat to enough I get my period. My body is falling apart which I have always kinda wanted....awww that's sad. Things were never supposed to get this bad...my disorder is like the ones you see on internvention. Ever see Amy P.? That's me but with more weight on my bones and I don't exercise because I am binging and purging.
Anywho, I wrote/I read/I prayed....I will go to work....I will go straight to an OA meeting after work and then the challenge will come because evenings I am alone.
I have no friends because 4 to 5 hours a day I binge and purge ontop of going to work so when people try to schedule things with me I cancel so no wonder they don't call, stopped calling and we don't talk anymore.
I WANT FRIENDS, but what do you do with friends that deosn't cost money?
Just Rambling, but Just for Today I can be recovery. Just for Today I can have one day of no binging, following my food plan, have no friends and still not hide in the food. JUST FOR TODAY