(no subject)
You know I usually hand write my journal because a) it makes me use a different side of my brain b) I feel more connected and ground to a higher power c) there is one individual who knows me on here that I wish I could report that I am 100% better. Yet, that it not my story today. Today I write on the computer because what if someone wants to read my journal so they don't feel alone (which I have/do)? What if someone would like to comment, then I get a chance of having that much more support and interaction.
So for today:
I pray that I continue to be willing to turn my food over. Today it's not an option to manipulate or abuse food because I turned my food over to my nutritionist yesterday (which I will talk about later). Thank you God for getting me through yesterday!!!!! I don't know how because I was holding on by a thread. I don't know if it was hope/faith/trust/willingness/desperation that made me not binge!?!?! I wanted to soooo bad because I couldn't handle my emotions at work and I was SURE they were going to fire me or yell at me or tell me how worthless I am. But God I realized yesterday, the value, worth and being that I am people see differently than me which is like my body dismorphia applied to my daily life. I don't get it because I don't see it. So when someone tells me a did a good job.... DONT UNDERSTAND IT TO BE TRUE BECAUSE I DON"T BELEIVE/SEE it.
God, I am powerless over food, people's thoughts/actions/words/perceptions/judgements, my job, my finances and my life has become unmanageable. I have come to beleive that you can restore me to sanity and I have made the decision to turn my will and my life over to you as I understand you. Help me be willing to be abstinent from fear, anxiety, anger as I go through my day and work on projects that test my knowledge and understanding. Let me let go and let you run my life today. You are amazing when I trust your will and not mine. Today, everything will be ok if I trust you. I could lose everything, but I am not alone and in the worst situation I will still be ok, have you/program/support.
Help me increase my desire to do the right next thing and decrease my desire to do the next right thing and give me an open mind to see both actions clearly.
Yesterday, I saw my nutritionist where I told her I didn't know what I wanted from the session because I wanted to cancel on her again like I did a year ago because I wasn't sure if I was willing to end my ED. Yet, I showed up???? So I told her I know I need to gain weight, but I don't think I am ready because I am scared and I asked if she would be willing to help me build trust by just following a food with no weight gain for now? She said ok. She gave me a food plan that has little options which I told her I need because my disorder gets overwhelmed making decisions and will say "Fuck this!" and just binge. So she basically made a food plan that with the foods I eat on good days which was awsome. However, you know I don't work out in the winter because its too damn cold, well she said: "NO EXERCISE". She told me I have lost 10 lbs of muscle and have only essential fat for my organs (which god only knows if the process started to eat at my heart?) Anywho, this has contributed to the no period which can result to soo many other things. But anyways, she beleives that the 2,000 calorie food plan I will maintain on even with no exercise. Although I didn't see her till last night, I made it through yesterday binge free. Food can be in its place today if I choose God. Anywho... I told her no matter what I will be back in a month, but if I can follow my food plan there is a chance I can see her sooner which I would like. And as I continue to work with her I can continue to look at gaining weight and increaSING options within my food plan SLOWLY.
So, that's where I am at today...let's stay present for the duration and check in constant.y
So for today:
I pray that I continue to be willing to turn my food over. Today it's not an option to manipulate or abuse food because I turned my food over to my nutritionist yesterday (which I will talk about later). Thank you God for getting me through yesterday!!!!! I don't know how because I was holding on by a thread. I don't know if it was hope/faith/trust/willingness/desperation that made me not binge!?!?! I wanted to soooo bad because I couldn't handle my emotions at work and I was SURE they were going to fire me or yell at me or tell me how worthless I am. But God I realized yesterday, the value, worth and being that I am people see differently than me which is like my body dismorphia applied to my daily life. I don't get it because I don't see it. So when someone tells me a did a good job.... DONT UNDERSTAND IT TO BE TRUE BECAUSE I DON"T BELEIVE/SEE it.
God, I am powerless over food, people's thoughts/actions/words/perceptions/judgements, my job, my finances and my life has become unmanageable. I have come to beleive that you can restore me to sanity and I have made the decision to turn my will and my life over to you as I understand you. Help me be willing to be abstinent from fear, anxiety, anger as I go through my day and work on projects that test my knowledge and understanding. Let me let go and let you run my life today. You are amazing when I trust your will and not mine. Today, everything will be ok if I trust you. I could lose everything, but I am not alone and in the worst situation I will still be ok, have you/program/support.
Help me increase my desire to do the right next thing and decrease my desire to do the next right thing and give me an open mind to see both actions clearly.
Yesterday, I saw my nutritionist where I told her I didn't know what I wanted from the session because I wanted to cancel on her again like I did a year ago because I wasn't sure if I was willing to end my ED. Yet, I showed up???? So I told her I know I need to gain weight, but I don't think I am ready because I am scared and I asked if she would be willing to help me build trust by just following a food with no weight gain for now? She said ok. She gave me a food plan that has little options which I told her I need because my disorder gets overwhelmed making decisions and will say "Fuck this!" and just binge. So she basically made a food plan that with the foods I eat on good days which was awsome. However, you know I don't work out in the winter because its too damn cold, well she said: "NO EXERCISE". She told me I have lost 10 lbs of muscle and have only essential fat for my organs (which god only knows if the process started to eat at my heart?) Anywho, this has contributed to the no period which can result to soo many other things. But anyways, she beleives that the 2,000 calorie food plan I will maintain on even with no exercise. Although I didn't see her till last night, I made it through yesterday binge free. Food can be in its place today if I choose God. Anywho... I told her no matter what I will be back in a month, but if I can follow my food plan there is a chance I can see her sooner which I would like. And as I continue to work with her I can continue to look at gaining weight and increaSING options within my food plan SLOWLY.
So, that's where I am at today...let's stay present for the duration and check in constant.y