442
Today's a new day.
I have had headaches and nausea throughout most of the afternoon, which is sucky. :(
I keep trying to sleep, but light and noise and cold feet and thoughts are preventing it from happening.
Now that I'm not as mad, I can relate some of the rest of my weekend.
I finally got to meet my nephew. :) We were supposed to take him up to my Grandma's so the family could see him, but they punked out by having other plans and not telling my mom until the last minute. Sometimes I don't know why she tries.
So we went to Joanna's house instead, and eventually got invited over to Mark's place for dinner.
Devrin....in simple words, is an angel. I couldn't get over how much personality a four week old baby can have. For instance, he refuses to be left naked or in a diaper for much longer than five minutes, without loudly insisting Jo put a jumper on him. He likes to be covered from head to toe, basically. Whether that's the cold or just an uncomfy feeling, I'm not sure, but it's endearing. Lol.
He also hates being on his back for too long. He'd much rather be propped up on your shoulder so he can take in more of the world than just the ceiling. He loves the color red (he was absolutely fascinated by my hair!), and he adores his gramma. She was the only person besides Joanna that he would allow to rock him to sleep. Mom will sit and gently pat his butt, telling him he's a bad little boy and needs a spanking, and when it worked and he was out, she laughed and told me Mark always succumbed to that one, too, when he was a baby.
It's easy to see why my mother is so enamored by him. He has big, almost black almond shaped eyes that give him a slightly elven look, and it's easy to see that he's already smarter than we give him credit for. I'm hoping that means he'll be a fighter--in the sense that he'll be successful and kind and rise above the world he's been born into, even if those circumstances aren't really anybody's fault.
As for me..I'm heartbroken to be home and away from him. I see his face when I close my eyes. I'm completely in love with him. It isn't jealousy--I wouldn't want to take him for my own. But it isn't a yearning for kids of my own, either, though I anticipate the day Nate and I are ready for that particular challenge. It's different....Other. He's my brother's baby and so, in part, a piece of me. When I hold him, every fiber of my being sings to him. He's blood of my blood and my blood calls to him. I've never felt anything like it. Maybe this feeling will be trumped when I have my own children, but I'm drunk with it. I would die for that boy, and I finally understand how my mom feels when she tells me the same. When she says she'll go through Heaven or Hell to stay in his life. That everything Mark has done to her up to this point or will in the future is worth it, just so she can see his kid.
In short, this feeling is all Devrin. I don't think my brother truly understands how blessed he is, though he's said it several times. He doesn't really know what to do with his son, which is kind of funny. When Dev cries, Mark sits there until Mom or Joanna come in the room to take him. He just stares at those tiny features and gets sort of lost. I don't think he really believes he helped create that fragile little being who looks so much like him and yet so much like Joanna.
Nate warned me this would happen. He's so different from me in this. He understands that loving this baby will probably ultimately mean hurting myself over him. He understands that Devrin belongs in a precarious situation, where mother and father are worlds apart in age and maturity, and father is not so ready to be daddy, not yet. What that will mean for him, I don't know. Nate has spent a good deal of time trying to keep me separated from Mark and Dad, so he doesn't have to hold me at night while I bitterly mourn what I've lost over the years. He knows that he would probably feel the same way I do about Devrin, and he's too afraid to put himself in that vulnerable of a position, because he doesn't trust Mark, and it's very, very sad. I think he's sad, too, because if I get hurt, he will feel at fault for allowing me to get mixed up in something he's carefully avoided for a while now.
But I think I agree with Mom. Mark and I were close once. We can be close again. If he decides to dislike me or talk bad about me, I will put up with it, but let me be a part of my nephew's life. For my sake. :)
Other than that, pretty uneventful. Talked to a handful of people, worked, went grocery shopping, took medicine, still trying to sleep off whatever's headed my way.
I have had headaches and nausea throughout most of the afternoon, which is sucky. :(
I keep trying to sleep, but light and noise and cold feet and thoughts are preventing it from happening.
Now that I'm not as mad, I can relate some of the rest of my weekend.
I finally got to meet my nephew. :) We were supposed to take him up to my Grandma's so the family could see him, but they punked out by having other plans and not telling my mom until the last minute. Sometimes I don't know why she tries.
So we went to Joanna's house instead, and eventually got invited over to Mark's place for dinner.
Devrin....in simple words, is an angel. I couldn't get over how much personality a four week old baby can have. For instance, he refuses to be left naked or in a diaper for much longer than five minutes, without loudly insisting Jo put a jumper on him. He likes to be covered from head to toe, basically. Whether that's the cold or just an uncomfy feeling, I'm not sure, but it's endearing. Lol.
He also hates being on his back for too long. He'd much rather be propped up on your shoulder so he can take in more of the world than just the ceiling. He loves the color red (he was absolutely fascinated by my hair!), and he adores his gramma. She was the only person besides Joanna that he would allow to rock him to sleep. Mom will sit and gently pat his butt, telling him he's a bad little boy and needs a spanking, and when it worked and he was out, she laughed and told me Mark always succumbed to that one, too, when he was a baby.
It's easy to see why my mother is so enamored by him. He has big, almost black almond shaped eyes that give him a slightly elven look, and it's easy to see that he's already smarter than we give him credit for. I'm hoping that means he'll be a fighter--in the sense that he'll be successful and kind and rise above the world he's been born into, even if those circumstances aren't really anybody's fault.
As for me..I'm heartbroken to be home and away from him. I see his face when I close my eyes. I'm completely in love with him. It isn't jealousy--I wouldn't want to take him for my own. But it isn't a yearning for kids of my own, either, though I anticipate the day Nate and I are ready for that particular challenge. It's different....Other. He's my brother's baby and so, in part, a piece of me. When I hold him, every fiber of my being sings to him. He's blood of my blood and my blood calls to him. I've never felt anything like it. Maybe this feeling will be trumped when I have my own children, but I'm drunk with it. I would die for that boy, and I finally understand how my mom feels when she tells me the same. When she says she'll go through Heaven or Hell to stay in his life. That everything Mark has done to her up to this point or will in the future is worth it, just so she can see his kid.
In short, this feeling is all Devrin. I don't think my brother truly understands how blessed he is, though he's said it several times. He doesn't really know what to do with his son, which is kind of funny. When Dev cries, Mark sits there until Mom or Joanna come in the room to take him. He just stares at those tiny features and gets sort of lost. I don't think he really believes he helped create that fragile little being who looks so much like him and yet so much like Joanna.
Nate warned me this would happen. He's so different from me in this. He understands that loving this baby will probably ultimately mean hurting myself over him. He understands that Devrin belongs in a precarious situation, where mother and father are worlds apart in age and maturity, and father is not so ready to be daddy, not yet. What that will mean for him, I don't know. Nate has spent a good deal of time trying to keep me separated from Mark and Dad, so he doesn't have to hold me at night while I bitterly mourn what I've lost over the years. He knows that he would probably feel the same way I do about Devrin, and he's too afraid to put himself in that vulnerable of a position, because he doesn't trust Mark, and it's very, very sad. I think he's sad, too, because if I get hurt, he will feel at fault for allowing me to get mixed up in something he's carefully avoided for a while now.
But I think I agree with Mom. Mark and I were close once. We can be close again. If he decides to dislike me or talk bad about me, I will put up with it, but let me be a part of my nephew's life. For my sake. :)
Other than that, pretty uneventful. Talked to a handful of people, worked, went grocery shopping, took medicine, still trying to sleep off whatever's headed my way.