oh well..
So it didn't work out exactly as I would have hoped.
I told janelys how I felt, exactly as I wrote it. And I was so excited and happy and content with myself. I thought that this emotion that I was feeling would some how just illuminate from me and she would feel the same way. She didn't. She didn't understand. She wasn't happy for me at all. I told her on the phone. And she just told me she had to go to work and hung up. Then she wrote me a text message saying that what I had was not an epiphany at all. That I was just being chicken shit and just trying to please everyone again.. like always. But that wasn't the case. If I was really trying to please everyone, I wouldn't take this route. The way that I'm trying to accomplish what I want and what pleases me, is clearly not pleasing her, so this isn't me trying to please everyone. I want alex in my life, but she couldn't see that. She thought that me staying with alex and continuing to have something with him was my fear taking over me and not letting me tell him that I thought that we shouldn't be together. Because she thought that he's holding me back from something.. which is true to a certain extent. He's holding me back from the life that she wants to have with me, but not my life. My life involves him.. and my life has his hands in mine. But she didn't understand that.. she wasn't happy for me. Her over possesive personality took over her sense of reason and caring.. and all she could say was call me chicken. So I responded. I told her that if she couldn't be happy for me, then I didn't want her in my life. And she responded. She told me that she would make it easy for me: "Thank you for the great moments, good bye." And that was it. I was upset that she didn't understand and that she just left it at that. She took the cowards way out. But I'm grateful for having experienced this.. and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Tonight.. I did exactly what I wanted to do. Alex showed up at my house and asked me what it was that we were going to do. And as usual, I said "I don't know.. what do you want to do".. he said he didn't know. And after that I figured out that I wanted to go to the beach and have a coffee at some cafe, and just talk. So we did. We went to some part that I had never been to before, and we walked around and I fell in love. I fell in love with the street and the smells, with the people and the art.. I fell in love with the endless hours of conversation.. the non-stop flow of language and words being exchanged between two open hearted souls. I fell in love with him. What a wonderful night.
Everything happens for a reason.
I told janelys how I felt, exactly as I wrote it. And I was so excited and happy and content with myself. I thought that this emotion that I was feeling would some how just illuminate from me and she would feel the same way. She didn't. She didn't understand. She wasn't happy for me at all. I told her on the phone. And she just told me she had to go to work and hung up. Then she wrote me a text message saying that what I had was not an epiphany at all. That I was just being chicken shit and just trying to please everyone again.. like always. But that wasn't the case. If I was really trying to please everyone, I wouldn't take this route. The way that I'm trying to accomplish what I want and what pleases me, is clearly not pleasing her, so this isn't me trying to please everyone. I want alex in my life, but she couldn't see that. She thought that me staying with alex and continuing to have something with him was my fear taking over me and not letting me tell him that I thought that we shouldn't be together. Because she thought that he's holding me back from something.. which is true to a certain extent. He's holding me back from the life that she wants to have with me, but not my life. My life involves him.. and my life has his hands in mine. But she didn't understand that.. she wasn't happy for me. Her over possesive personality took over her sense of reason and caring.. and all she could say was call me chicken. So I responded. I told her that if she couldn't be happy for me, then I didn't want her in my life. And she responded. She told me that she would make it easy for me: "Thank you for the great moments, good bye." And that was it. I was upset that she didn't understand and that she just left it at that. She took the cowards way out. But I'm grateful for having experienced this.. and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Tonight.. I did exactly what I wanted to do. Alex showed up at my house and asked me what it was that we were going to do. And as usual, I said "I don't know.. what do you want to do".. he said he didn't know. And after that I figured out that I wanted to go to the beach and have a coffee at some cafe, and just talk. So we did. We went to some part that I had never been to before, and we walked around and I fell in love. I fell in love with the street and the smells, with the people and the art.. I fell in love with the endless hours of conversation.. the non-stop flow of language and words being exchanged between two open hearted souls. I fell in love with him. What a wonderful night.
Everything happens for a reason.