(no subject)
I haven't been updating much and it's for any number of reasons. I'm on Twitter a lot, I rarely sit down at a computer when I'm at home, people don't post as much on LJ as they used to, and I just have lost all motivation for just about anything lately. Also LJ has gone totally down the tubes in terms of performance lately. Half the time I can't even load my journal/friends page, the stupid ads make me IRATE since I've had an early adopter account and object to ads on my journal, AND lately when I can get a page to load on my iPhone it has a big gray half-loaded pop-up (I think) that I have to try to read through and can't close. So fuck you LiveJournal, I wish I had a better option. I really should consider backing up my journal (there's a way to do that, right?) and just calling it quits. But I tell myself that I'll start posting again some day. Or something.
But. Enough excuses.
I'm trying to be a little bit more self-aware lately, and despite feeling like I'm running around like a decapitated chicken, I need to make an effort to think about where I'm at right now. I'm profoundly unhappy with where I am in my life right now, and I need to try to make some changes.
I'm admitting it, I'm horrendously depressed. Josh insists that I have a thyroid disorder, but attempts to find a doctor to get this checked out have been fairly futile for a variety of reasons. I haven't spent this much time hating myself in a long time. I end up sleeping a lot when given the chance, and rather than enjoy some of my many hobbies, I'm instead avoiding them and curling up on the couch. And admitting I'm depressed is lovely, but I don't see any way out of it, so there's little I can do. And if I can't even find myself a GP or a OBGYN, then good fucking luck finding me a psychiatrist and getting me to actually go, have a productive meeting, and get any drugs. I've learned that I DON'T snap, and if I just keep my mouth shut about how terrible my internal monologue is, I can keep going for quite awhile.
Work is really sucking the soul out of me. I don't mind what I do for a living, but I know I don't want to do it forever. However, the place I work is just full of things that drive me insane. I am good at my job, I have the skills, but I'm constantly being choked back by illogical and constantly changing decisions. I had a lunch meeting with my crazy boss and was told that I've been rude to people on our team and that I have a bad attitude. I'm being told I should 'lead from behind', but my input is ignored and brushed aside. Every day a policy changes and this is accepted as normal and not a complete waste of everyone's time. There's so much manipulation and back-stabbing that I can barely handle it. I went from working in a Help Desk environment to now being a floor tech. And instead of enjoying this 'freedom' I spend every moment concerned that I'm going to get fired for some arcane rule that I didn't know about OR that was invented in the last 10 minutes. I feel trapped, I can't find anything else even remotely like my line of work right now, I can't afford to go to school, and Hopkins has some benefits (that I'm not taking advantage of) that seem silly to walk away from. I AM trying to get some certifications out of my job, and I'm going to get some information about taking some Education classes maybe in the Fall. I don't really have derby to plan around for awhile - if at all - so I need to take advantage of this.
Fitness-wise I'm in the same place as always. I'm keeping the same weight and size despite trying to eat a bit better and more reliably at work. I've been going to the gym several days a week before work. I plan to go each day, but I have missed several. If I manage to go 3 days a week I'll be content with that. Any exercise is better than none I guess. And I do go to derby practice, and will try to start climbing again this month. I'm really hoping that I will start seeing some effects soon. I know I'm not doing much, but I need some sort of positive reinforcement here... Again with Josh pointing out some possible thyroid problems? Or maybe I'm just a fatty now with no hope for recovery... Still, I hate HATE how I look and feel, and I'm trying really hard to take some action.
Derby has just been a miserable mess lately. I'm tired of watching the league go in a direction I don't agree with, and while it is nice to be frequently proven right, it is also exhausting watching good suggestions go to waste. I'm burned out on all the BS, and I dread pretty much every practice, even scrimmage. This is compounded by our losing season and clusterfuck of a team - I do love the girls on the team for the most part, and I think it has a good dynamic that I enjoy this year. But we're still not a great team and it's frustrating to have such a rebuilding year when I'm also frustrated with everything else in my life. And I recognize that I need to take the blame for this too, but I find practices terrible and unproductive for me, so I avoid them. And this, combined with various other scheduling SNAFUs mean that I can't play in the bout this month. That said, I don't really care, and that may be a sign that I need to quit/retire. I'm hitting a point where I'm just a step away from quitting, but I keep trying to convince myself to tough it out for the season. And off-season could be a lot of fun with just attending scrimmage practice and going to newbie practices where I can work on skills that I still struggle with constantly. And mostly I'm afraid of what will happen if I quit derby when I feel so helpless and hopeless here in Baltimore. Derby is basically the only social interaction I get outside of Jill and Josh's circle of friends. And I don't even LIKE 80% of the people on our league! But at least it's something...
I know I need to keep trying to get better, but at the same time, I just don't care that much about getting better. I don't know how to challenge myself physically, I guess, and I don't feel like the practices I attend get me any better, they just leave me even more frustrated and disparaging. I'm hoping that if I can continue with the gym and outdoor skating and open skate and all these other things that I will see some improvement just because I'm more physically fit. I know nothing can happen immediately, so I'm trying to give myself tbe off-season to work on this stuff. But the off-season is very VERY long, and I'm not sure I want to put up with all the BS until next January... And I'm damned if I quit, damned if I don't since no matter what I do I will second-guess and be miserable for one reason or another.
I haven't been climbing since February (the night I went and couldn't even make it up an easy 5.5 doesn't count), and every time people go I think of how miserable the last time was. I'm tired of sucking at everything I try and getting passed by anyone I do things with. Constant mediocrity (to put it nicely) gets really depressing after awhile, and struggling with everything while being 'coached' just got kind of old. Again, when I'm not seeing much tangible improvement I just get worn down and give up.
God, all I do is whine and complain about EVERYTHING anymore. There's just not much positive I'm finding in my life right now. The cats are fine, and reading is pleasant. But that's about all I've got. I'm never productive at home, work seems like running in circles to little purpose, the house is a disgusting pit, and I'm saving money for a future plan of... what? There's nowhere to go, nothing to plan for, and I don't see any future possibilities that have anything to do with what I want.
Ugh, this whole update disgusts me. Why do I even bother.
But. Enough excuses.
I'm trying to be a little bit more self-aware lately, and despite feeling like I'm running around like a decapitated chicken, I need to make an effort to think about where I'm at right now. I'm profoundly unhappy with where I am in my life right now, and I need to try to make some changes.
I'm admitting it, I'm horrendously depressed. Josh insists that I have a thyroid disorder, but attempts to find a doctor to get this checked out have been fairly futile for a variety of reasons. I haven't spent this much time hating myself in a long time. I end up sleeping a lot when given the chance, and rather than enjoy some of my many hobbies, I'm instead avoiding them and curling up on the couch. And admitting I'm depressed is lovely, but I don't see any way out of it, so there's little I can do. And if I can't even find myself a GP or a OBGYN, then good fucking luck finding me a psychiatrist and getting me to actually go, have a productive meeting, and get any drugs. I've learned that I DON'T snap, and if I just keep my mouth shut about how terrible my internal monologue is, I can keep going for quite awhile.
Work is really sucking the soul out of me. I don't mind what I do for a living, but I know I don't want to do it forever. However, the place I work is just full of things that drive me insane. I am good at my job, I have the skills, but I'm constantly being choked back by illogical and constantly changing decisions. I had a lunch meeting with my crazy boss and was told that I've been rude to people on our team and that I have a bad attitude. I'm being told I should 'lead from behind', but my input is ignored and brushed aside. Every day a policy changes and this is accepted as normal and not a complete waste of everyone's time. There's so much manipulation and back-stabbing that I can barely handle it. I went from working in a Help Desk environment to now being a floor tech. And instead of enjoying this 'freedom' I spend every moment concerned that I'm going to get fired for some arcane rule that I didn't know about OR that was invented in the last 10 minutes. I feel trapped, I can't find anything else even remotely like my line of work right now, I can't afford to go to school, and Hopkins has some benefits (that I'm not taking advantage of) that seem silly to walk away from. I AM trying to get some certifications out of my job, and I'm going to get some information about taking some Education classes maybe in the Fall. I don't really have derby to plan around for awhile - if at all - so I need to take advantage of this.
Fitness-wise I'm in the same place as always. I'm keeping the same weight and size despite trying to eat a bit better and more reliably at work. I've been going to the gym several days a week before work. I plan to go each day, but I have missed several. If I manage to go 3 days a week I'll be content with that. Any exercise is better than none I guess. And I do go to derby practice, and will try to start climbing again this month. I'm really hoping that I will start seeing some effects soon. I know I'm not doing much, but I need some sort of positive reinforcement here... Again with Josh pointing out some possible thyroid problems? Or maybe I'm just a fatty now with no hope for recovery... Still, I hate HATE how I look and feel, and I'm trying really hard to take some action.
Derby has just been a miserable mess lately. I'm tired of watching the league go in a direction I don't agree with, and while it is nice to be frequently proven right, it is also exhausting watching good suggestions go to waste. I'm burned out on all the BS, and I dread pretty much every practice, even scrimmage. This is compounded by our losing season and clusterfuck of a team - I do love the girls on the team for the most part, and I think it has a good dynamic that I enjoy this year. But we're still not a great team and it's frustrating to have such a rebuilding year when I'm also frustrated with everything else in my life. And I recognize that I need to take the blame for this too, but I find practices terrible and unproductive for me, so I avoid them. And this, combined with various other scheduling SNAFUs mean that I can't play in the bout this month. That said, I don't really care, and that may be a sign that I need to quit/retire. I'm hitting a point where I'm just a step away from quitting, but I keep trying to convince myself to tough it out for the season. And off-season could be a lot of fun with just attending scrimmage practice and going to newbie practices where I can work on skills that I still struggle with constantly. And mostly I'm afraid of what will happen if I quit derby when I feel so helpless and hopeless here in Baltimore. Derby is basically the only social interaction I get outside of Jill and Josh's circle of friends. And I don't even LIKE 80% of the people on our league! But at least it's something...
I know I need to keep trying to get better, but at the same time, I just don't care that much about getting better. I don't know how to challenge myself physically, I guess, and I don't feel like the practices I attend get me any better, they just leave me even more frustrated and disparaging. I'm hoping that if I can continue with the gym and outdoor skating and open skate and all these other things that I will see some improvement just because I'm more physically fit. I know nothing can happen immediately, so I'm trying to give myself tbe off-season to work on this stuff. But the off-season is very VERY long, and I'm not sure I want to put up with all the BS until next January... And I'm damned if I quit, damned if I don't since no matter what I do I will second-guess and be miserable for one reason or another.
I haven't been climbing since February (the night I went and couldn't even make it up an easy 5.5 doesn't count), and every time people go I think of how miserable the last time was. I'm tired of sucking at everything I try and getting passed by anyone I do things with. Constant mediocrity (to put it nicely) gets really depressing after awhile, and struggling with everything while being 'coached' just got kind of old. Again, when I'm not seeing much tangible improvement I just get worn down and give up.
God, all I do is whine and complain about EVERYTHING anymore. There's just not much positive I'm finding in my life right now. The cats are fine, and reading is pleasant. But that's about all I've got. I'm never productive at home, work seems like running in circles to little purpose, the house is a disgusting pit, and I'm saving money for a future plan of... what? There's nowhere to go, nothing to plan for, and I don't see any future possibilities that have anything to do with what I want.
Ugh, this whole update disgusts me. Why do I even bother.