(no subject)
Since I hardly touch computers anymore (at home), I haven't been updating here regularly, and haven't been thinking much about where I am mentally. Introspection is for pussies. Or something.
But it is the beginning of the New Year - or close enough - and I suppose I should take a look at where I've been and what's coming for me...
I'm always depressed so the fact that I feel pretty BLEH about 2009 comes as no real surprise. I did have successes - derby bouts, acquiring kittens, acquiring a new job, etc. But some of the drama associated with derby, getting fat, acquiring a shitty new job... have made my year feel less successful than it probably should.
I've been trying to make some changes in my life for the last couple months... I've started saving money again (more on this later), I joined a gym at work, I started climbing (and joined that gym), and I took my lunch to work every day this week. I'm hoping this year will yield a healthier new me with healthier hobbies, and everyone says that exercise will make you happier, so I've got my fingers crossed.
I'm hoping these efforts will result in some weight loss - probably not as much in poundage as I would like, but at least in muscle/fat ratios and general body shape. I should resign myself to always having a big ass, cankles, and thunder thighs, but it'd be nice if I could get rid of the triple chin, beer gut, and floppy arms. I know it's hard to believe, but once, I actually had cheekbones! My appearance is probably my biggest stress right now because I have never in my life felt so disgusting.
The saving money thing is just lovely, I was thrilled to almost double my goal of having $500 in savings by December. And then some things came up - namely, an opportunity to sell our TV with little fuss - and we dropped $900 on a new TV last night plus a mount and installation. At least that will be split between Josh and I, the mounting will be done by a friend of mine for a good price for his excellent service (if anyone needs home theater installs, let me know, he's great!), and I somehow still have my BB discount despite not working there for months. And of course, some of this will be offset by selling the current TV. Huzzah.
This year should be interesting... I'm not sure how my job situation is going to play out, derby is becoming more frustrating and the season will end earlier - probably resulting in less motivation post-May, and my parents are coming home this summer. All of these could have pretty big impacts... Job stuff could result in more stress, job hunting again and a possible job change, or maybe this job will get better if I change positions and I will not hate my job so much. Derby is my only social outlet in Baltimore, and much as it drives me crazy it's also the only thing that gets me out of the house. I need to figure out where I stand with it - do I switch leagues, do I quit and have zero even kinda-friends in Baltimore, do I stop bitching and just accept it, do I finally go all out and really push myself to do this right? And with my parents coming home there will be some changes... I'll be close enough to go see them on weekends sometimes, but I'll also be more accountable to them. I'll probably see my nieces and nephews more and actually feel like I'm not an orphan anymore. Family is conceptually nice, but in practice a clusterfuck, and it's been kind of nice being removed from that pressure. I'm also hoping maybe I can get my parents to help me buy a house in the next year or two, so that could add a whole new level of nuttiness to my life.
At any rate, 2010 should be full of excitement. Here's hoping my 2 dangerous sports/hobbies yield no injuries beyond bumps and bruises, my kittens and friends are all safe and well, and that I keep my sanity for one more year.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
Joined a gym. Two gyms actually. Got kittens.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Where I was last year...
"I'd like a job in Baltimore that pays me what I deserve and is at least somewhat fulfilling - anything being a step up from retail. I hope that I will start settling into the city, and make some friends. Roller derby is one step, I need to make others. I hope that I can find time and money to reconnect with friends that I don't see much since I've moved and have a wacky schedule. I'd like to skate in a bout and not make a complete fool of myself. I'd like to move in with Josh and make some intelligent decisions about my future and our relationship. I want to feel better about who I am and what I do, stop agonizing about all the bad stuff, and be grateful for what I've got."
So... I got a job in Baltimore that pays me... enough, and is more fulfilling than BB. But I hate this job and need to start looking again.
I still have no real friends (though I did get Jill to move here, but no NEW friends). I have more money than last year, but less time, and so I have lost touch with some of my favorite people who are in similar crunches of time/money. I miss crafty nights more than I can say.
I skated in a bout - the complete fool making is subjective.
Josh and I are living together, though I don't think any decisions have been made. It is nice to be comfortable here.
I don't remember how miserable I was at this time last year, but I certainly feel like shit about myself. I suspect that I will always struggle to be satisfied with where I am.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I wasn't particularly close, but my Uncle Jimmy died. It was an eventful week.
5. What countries did you visit?
None.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A job I enjoy would be nice. More motivation.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't think of any notable dates... I was proud of some of my bouts I guess?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably making a team and bouting the entire season. The Dolls won the championship for the first time, and I got MVP (undeservedly but oh well, looks good on a resume - haha). But just generally derby-related things... I have improved and see flashes of not-so-bad. I knocked over Joy Collision a few weeks ago which may have been the high point of my derby career...
Also pleased with the CCRG showing at the Mayor's Parade.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm disappointed with my job hunt, although this job seemed like a good one when I found it, so I couldn't do much to prevent how frustrating it is now. I'm disgusted with where I am physically right now, but I'm trying to better myself with gyms and climbing and derby.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing notable. Bumps, bruises, cuts, and sniffles.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Kittens. They are the best.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
People who have made efforts to further themselves this year. I feel like I'm in such a rut, I'm happy to see people making decisions and acting on them. New girls in derby, people who are applying for new jobs or school, etc.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
CCRG as a league.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Kittens and their various paraphernalia are expensive. Climbing and its associated costs also added up.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Derby. Kittens. The Baltimore Book Festival and meeting Lois Lowry. Emilie Autumn. My Halloween costume.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I'm not exposed to new music anymore. so there's not much I can think of that will always be tied to 2009.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
About the same, but for different reasons.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Again.
iii. richer or poorer?
Poorer, but last year I was on the downswing, this year I'm back on the up.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Socializing. Job hunting.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting fat, complaining, moping.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With Josh's family.
21. How did you spend New Year's Eve?
Sitting on the couch. Toasted 2010 with a glass of Fuzzy Navel Boones Farm. I hope this says something about my year.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No, but I stayed there.
23. How many one-night stands?
None. How nice.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Love. The only other shows I watched were really Buffy, Dollhouse, and True Blood.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
People stayed pretty much as expected.
26. What was the best book you read?
I usually can't answer this, but this year I had a book I fell in love with. It probably wasn't the BEST book I read, but it was one I gushed about and adored... Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Emilie Autumn is the only musical discovery I can really think of. Her music isn't thrilling, but she certainly is entertaining.
28. What did you want and get?
Kittens!!!!! Kittens kittens kittens!!! I love them so. A new job.
29. What did you want and not get?
A job that I enjoyed. More friends.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Um, like, one that came out this year? The new Sherlock Holmes was pretty cute?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday is only a few days after the new year, so I always forget what I did. But according to LJ apparently last year I was in the same head space as this year, because I did nothing and claimed I was "postponing" my birthday until I was in a better mood. Sad. I just didn't feel like I could do anything and have people actually show up.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A job that didn't blow. It IS better than Best Buy, but is so frustrating that it has still left me feeling like I wasted my time.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Roller derby has done weird things to my fashion choices. So has being too fat for any of my clothes. It's been an extremely unflattering year.
34. What (who) kept you sane?
Josh, Jill, kittens. At the new job, the girl who started with me.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have no idea.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm pleased to see gay marriage spreading, though disappointed with how slowly and ineffectually. Dixon's trial in Baltimore has been interesting.
37. Who did you miss?
Crafty nights and those who attended them. :-( My dad. My mom's side of the family in some ways.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Meh, no one in particular...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Some people you just have to let go. I'm still working on this. And it's hard.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I like kitties!
But it is the beginning of the New Year - or close enough - and I suppose I should take a look at where I've been and what's coming for me...
I'm always depressed so the fact that I feel pretty BLEH about 2009 comes as no real surprise. I did have successes - derby bouts, acquiring kittens, acquiring a new job, etc. But some of the drama associated with derby, getting fat, acquiring a shitty new job... have made my year feel less successful than it probably should.
I've been trying to make some changes in my life for the last couple months... I've started saving money again (more on this later), I joined a gym at work, I started climbing (and joined that gym), and I took my lunch to work every day this week. I'm hoping this year will yield a healthier new me with healthier hobbies, and everyone says that exercise will make you happier, so I've got my fingers crossed.
I'm hoping these efforts will result in some weight loss - probably not as much in poundage as I would like, but at least in muscle/fat ratios and general body shape. I should resign myself to always having a big ass, cankles, and thunder thighs, but it'd be nice if I could get rid of the triple chin, beer gut, and floppy arms. I know it's hard to believe, but once, I actually had cheekbones! My appearance is probably my biggest stress right now because I have never in my life felt so disgusting.
The saving money thing is just lovely, I was thrilled to almost double my goal of having $500 in savings by December. And then some things came up - namely, an opportunity to sell our TV with little fuss - and we dropped $900 on a new TV last night plus a mount and installation. At least that will be split between Josh and I, the mounting will be done by a friend of mine for a good price for his excellent service (if anyone needs home theater installs, let me know, he's great!), and I somehow still have my BB discount despite not working there for months. And of course, some of this will be offset by selling the current TV. Huzzah.
This year should be interesting... I'm not sure how my job situation is going to play out, derby is becoming more frustrating and the season will end earlier - probably resulting in less motivation post-May, and my parents are coming home this summer. All of these could have pretty big impacts... Job stuff could result in more stress, job hunting again and a possible job change, or maybe this job will get better if I change positions and I will not hate my job so much. Derby is my only social outlet in Baltimore, and much as it drives me crazy it's also the only thing that gets me out of the house. I need to figure out where I stand with it - do I switch leagues, do I quit and have zero even kinda-friends in Baltimore, do I stop bitching and just accept it, do I finally go all out and really push myself to do this right? And with my parents coming home there will be some changes... I'll be close enough to go see them on weekends sometimes, but I'll also be more accountable to them. I'll probably see my nieces and nephews more and actually feel like I'm not an orphan anymore. Family is conceptually nice, but in practice a clusterfuck, and it's been kind of nice being removed from that pressure. I'm also hoping maybe I can get my parents to help me buy a house in the next year or two, so that could add a whole new level of nuttiness to my life.
At any rate, 2010 should be full of excitement. Here's hoping my 2 dangerous sports/hobbies yield no injuries beyond bumps and bruises, my kittens and friends are all safe and well, and that I keep my sanity for one more year.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you had never done before?
Joined a gym. Two gyms actually. Got kittens.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Where I was last year...
"I'd like a job in Baltimore that pays me what I deserve and is at least somewhat fulfilling - anything being a step up from retail. I hope that I will start settling into the city, and make some friends. Roller derby is one step, I need to make others. I hope that I can find time and money to reconnect with friends that I don't see much since I've moved and have a wacky schedule. I'd like to skate in a bout and not make a complete fool of myself. I'd like to move in with Josh and make some intelligent decisions about my future and our relationship. I want to feel better about who I am and what I do, stop agonizing about all the bad stuff, and be grateful for what I've got."
So... I got a job in Baltimore that pays me... enough, and is more fulfilling than BB. But I hate this job and need to start looking again.
I still have no real friends (though I did get Jill to move here, but no NEW friends). I have more money than last year, but less time, and so I have lost touch with some of my favorite people who are in similar crunches of time/money. I miss crafty nights more than I can say.
I skated in a bout - the complete fool making is subjective.
Josh and I are living together, though I don't think any decisions have been made. It is nice to be comfortable here.
I don't remember how miserable I was at this time last year, but I certainly feel like shit about myself. I suspect that I will always struggle to be satisfied with where I am.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I wasn't particularly close, but my Uncle Jimmy died. It was an eventful week.
5. What countries did you visit?
None.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A job I enjoy would be nice. More motivation.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't think of any notable dates... I was proud of some of my bouts I guess?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Probably making a team and bouting the entire season. The Dolls won the championship for the first time, and I got MVP (undeservedly but oh well, looks good on a resume - haha). But just generally derby-related things... I have improved and see flashes of not-so-bad. I knocked over Joy Collision a few weeks ago which may have been the high point of my derby career...
Also pleased with the CCRG showing at the Mayor's Parade.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm disappointed with my job hunt, although this job seemed like a good one when I found it, so I couldn't do much to prevent how frustrating it is now. I'm disgusted with where I am physically right now, but I'm trying to better myself with gyms and climbing and derby.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing notable. Bumps, bruises, cuts, and sniffles.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Kittens. They are the best.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
People who have made efforts to further themselves this year. I feel like I'm in such a rut, I'm happy to see people making decisions and acting on them. New girls in derby, people who are applying for new jobs or school, etc.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
CCRG as a league.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Kittens and their various paraphernalia are expensive. Climbing and its associated costs also added up.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Derby. Kittens. The Baltimore Book Festival and meeting Lois Lowry. Emilie Autumn. My Halloween costume.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I'm not exposed to new music anymore. so there's not much I can think of that will always be tied to 2009.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
About the same, but for different reasons.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Again.
iii. richer or poorer?
Poorer, but last year I was on the downswing, this year I'm back on the up.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Socializing. Job hunting.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting fat, complaining, moping.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With Josh's family.
21. How did you spend New Year's Eve?
Sitting on the couch. Toasted 2010 with a glass of Fuzzy Navel Boones Farm. I hope this says something about my year.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No, but I stayed there.
23. How many one-night stands?
None. How nice.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Love. The only other shows I watched were really Buffy, Dollhouse, and True Blood.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
People stayed pretty much as expected.
26. What was the best book you read?
I usually can't answer this, but this year I had a book I fell in love with. It probably wasn't the BEST book I read, but it was one I gushed about and adored... Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Emilie Autumn is the only musical discovery I can really think of. Her music isn't thrilling, but she certainly is entertaining.
28. What did you want and get?
Kittens!!!!! Kittens kittens kittens!!! I love them so. A new job.
29. What did you want and not get?
A job that I enjoyed. More friends.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Um, like, one that came out this year? The new Sherlock Holmes was pretty cute?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday is only a few days after the new year, so I always forget what I did. But according to LJ apparently last year I was in the same head space as this year, because I did nothing and claimed I was "postponing" my birthday until I was in a better mood. Sad. I just didn't feel like I could do anything and have people actually show up.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A job that didn't blow. It IS better than Best Buy, but is so frustrating that it has still left me feeling like I wasted my time.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Roller derby has done weird things to my fashion choices. So has being too fat for any of my clothes. It's been an extremely unflattering year.
34. What (who) kept you sane?
Josh, Jill, kittens. At the new job, the girl who started with me.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have no idea.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm pleased to see gay marriage spreading, though disappointed with how slowly and ineffectually. Dixon's trial in Baltimore has been interesting.
37. Who did you miss?
Crafty nights and those who attended them. :-( My dad. My mom's side of the family in some ways.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Meh, no one in particular...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Some people you just have to let go. I'm still working on this. And it's hard.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I like kitties!