笑ないで、my life. 忘れないで、my love. 鳴きないで、my heart. part three.

[laniekayaleese]

I don't know if I'm ready to tell the rest of the story. It's so fresh that it burns. I can't look into my eyes and tell that girl that she was wrong to act like she did; to pursue him as such. But, no. I can only look at Kenny, just like she did. And look at him, and look at him, and wish that things had stayed the same. However.. Nothing and no one ever does. Perhaps I'll find someday that I'm even better for it.

Part Three

I had been banking everything on them staying together forever.

But Kenny was graduating in March and leaving to Kyoto, and that was four months away, and I had been banking everything on them staying together forever and now it was too late to do anything, and why did this have to be now?

I couldn't even be happy; I was angry. It wasn't fair to give me hope that was hopeless.

All the same, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Which was was stupid, but so was I.

That's the only thing I can think of - me being stupid - when I remember how I had messaged Daniel on facebook and insisted that we all take Kenny out to an izakaya to console him over being single, the very next night afterward.

A group of eight to ten of us from 2MD met up at ikkyu, a local favorite drinking place. I don't remember much of the night, except that when I had arrived, I was told that the next day was the first day of class. I had thought mistakenly that we had at least until Thursday before class started. I think that this day was a Tuesday night. The rallying cry that I shared was "For Kenny! And because school starts tomorrow, which isn't fair!". The rallying cry in my heart started with "For Kenny" but I'm sure it was quite different. At some point, Kenny remembered the promise I had made to him in March, to make him Mexican food. I told him that I definitely would, and we all agreed that we would have a Texan food night on Thursday night.

After we drank, we got some ice cream, as was traditional. Izuru lost the giant game of jankenpon and had to buy for everyone. Inside the convenient store, Kenny noticed my face again; or my haircut, really. "Casey," he said, "Your bangs are always like this. But now they're like this!" He demonstrated with his own hair, and I laughed. He told me "You look like a model". I had been, in fact, doing casual modeling earlier that day; walking around the city with a british photographer who I had posed for at a professional shoot half a month earlier.

We ate our ice cream and then gathered on our bikes to leave. Now, I had left my bike on the other side of the station, but when I went to pick it up (a bit drunk) I couldn't find it. The boys were waiting for me, and when I explained the situation, Kenny offered to come with me to help me find it. Sure enough it had been moved -but while I though that the police had taken it permanently, it was merely moved inside a lot to a special zone. I was so happy that I ran up to Kenny and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back. I don't know why, but something about this hug felt different - maybe longer - than the ones we had shared upon our victories when we played foosball.

Then we all biked home, and for a portion of the trip, we talked about music, and we sang together some love song -- which one, I've forgotten.

But all the same; oh, my heart!

I went home and locked the door, foolishly pretending that I could keep out the sense of creeping doom. I knew, I knew even then that it wasn't good to do this to myself - that unrequited love was a painful thing - but love doesn't like to be told that it's in the wrong. It wants to overcome. It wants to prevail because it is the sum of all good things. The next morning, before class, I wrote a poem, trying to capture and beat down my feelings. It didn't come out right. All it proved to me was that I was a mess.

Did I have any intentions to get better? No, not at all. My head was swimming with thoughts of him. And I liked it. I had some Tex-Mex food to prepare.

But actually, after the first day of class, Laura and I went out to Shibuya to go see an art gallery, in which she and I had modeled. We drank a glass of complimentary wine and then wandered off to the station, but not really eager to leave each other. I talked to her about how Kenny and Saki-chan had broken up, and she told me that she thought it strange how big of a deal I was making of it. I looked away from her, and it escaped me -- this long, love-lorn sigh.

Laura freaked out. "Oh my god! Did you just do that!?" she shouted. I looked at her desperately. "Don't tell anyone!!" I pleaded. It seemed that my secret was out, as much as it ever would be; so we went to a coffee shop and sat down and I told her everything. But I didn't invite her to the Tex-Mex event the next day, saying that it would be awkward to bring her along though she hadn't been invited. Throughout the next day, I sort of evaded her messages and so she didn't come. It was the most unfriendly thing I had ever done to her, and I regret it. That is, I hadn't invited Laura to come because I was selfish, and wanted Kenny to myself, and I wanted the credit for the cooking to be all mine. This was the last time I chose to do that to Laura.

On Thursday, I went to my morning classes but skipped my afternoon ones, in favor of cooking. Purchasing the ingredients for about ten boys turned out to cost me eight thousand yen, or 75 dollars. I didn't mind; it was the least I could do. Six hours later I had prepared epic portions of homemade salsa, guacamole, fajita-style chicken, spanish rice, refried beans, everything that was necessary for the most scrumptious nachos I could imagine. On the way to the dorm, I had all the food in my bike basket - plus a six pack of beer - and I got over-excited while weaving my bike (something I do when I am happy) and completely face-planted. It was a mess, but I still arrived at the dorm and began heating everything up and preparing the plates with a bit of help.

The party itself was held in Kenny and Matt's room, though I don't think Matt was there. All the boys from the hot springs trip, plus a few others, were there. I sat on the floor against the head of Kenny's bed, serving the food. They loved it; Kenny especially. One of the boys, a freshman named Shin who Kenny had taken a brotherly liking to, had brought in a projector for us to watch movies together. It was an American movie; a fairly scandalous one-- Knocked Up -- which was, if you ask me, kind of a chick flick. When Kenny leaned back to relax on his bed, I reveled in the fact that we were so close. We all were sharing some of Shin's korean wine, which was actually very high in alcohol content. I was pleasantly drunk after dinner.

I don't remember how it happened, but slowly and surely, people began to leave the room.

I think I remember going through the playlists on his computer, and we talked about how many of the same artists we liked. Eventually Matt got back, and was upset that he'd missed out on the food. I gave him a home-made cookie as consolation, and he's easily pleased, so it seemed to work.

That night, I slept on the floor of their room, between their two beds. It was a hard floor, and the room was dusty and dirty and I didn't care for a second because he was sleeping beside me. Little did I know that this was to become a common thing. Still, I was full of alcohol and happy, and I fell asleep.

As soon as I slept, it felt that I was waking up- and not to an alarm, but to the sun in my eyes. I was horrified.

"Jyuuichi jii han da! Da ga! Jyuugyou aru!!!" I exclaimed. ("It's eleven thirty! And.. But... I have class!!") Kenny sat up and laughed a sleepy laugh.

It seemed that I wouldn't be going to school that day. We talked only a little before I started gathering all of the things I had brought with me, best as I could. I went down to the kitchen and started cleaning out some of the pots we had used to warm things up. I didn't really want to leave, and I think that's why I ended up cleaning the entire kitchen - all of the dishes, all of the surfaces, everything. I was just finishing when Kenny and Matt came in, wearing the dorm haoris.

"I thought you had left," Matt said. I told them, cheerfully, no! Since I wasn't going to class, I didn't have anything much better to do, anyway. I asked them what the haoris were for, and they told me that they were going to go around campus and advertise for the 2MD dorm party.

We all walked outside together. It was early December, but only just that morning had a heavy wind begun to sweep across Tokyo. Our forested campus has four-story tall deciduous trees, and suddenly, as I went outside, I realized that they had dropped most of their leaves. Kenny was excited to see this, and he picked up some of the leaves and threw them in the air over us.

It was at that moment that I realized he was somehow beyond my reach. But I smiled anyway, and said goodbye, and wrote a  poem to ease my heart. It didn't ease my heart, but the feelings are still so clear that I can recite the poem from memory. You've read it. The last line that I ultimately chose was, "And as all autumn things, so fell I."

How true that was! But... it wasn't to be helped.

Oh kind Vivian, what was I supposed to do? All my life I had been preparing up for this. All the manga I had read, all the anime, all of the books - all of the waiting! - and there he was, eyes shining before me in my dreams.

I talked to Matt on facebook some, that weekend. I knew that the dorm's party was scheduled for Friday, and Matt informed me that he was in charge of the decorations. A pretty big job!

I was nervous, but I asked all the same, Can I help?

Matt was more than happy to say yes, and gave me the details of the party; the theme they had chosen was high school dance (so everyone would have to wear seifuku. I was filled with glee; having an extremely adorable set, along with high socks, even). The theme had narrowly won out over the theme "Poke Ball" (the dorm parties were called Balls. You can imagine the humorous double entendres that some of the boys were imagining). Matt went on, saying that everyone would be working on preparations and when I could come and how about Tuesday?

I could barely contain myself when I told him yes, of course! And next week came, and with it, on Tuesday, the rain. I met them at their dorm room.

"Konban haaa!" I announced, smiling.

"Oii," said Kenny, as was one of his customary greetings (his other was 'Ohs', which reminded me of the years of my high school that I spent learning karate).

We went out, holding umbrellas over our heads, and Kenny began to sing again. I remembered him singing last Christmas, when the 2md choir had come to our dorm, but it was a vague memory; I had sung with him the week before, when drunk; now, hearing him and sober, I was blown away by his talent, and tried to help him remember the rest of the lyrics to the song.

"You know, that was my grandmother's favorite song," I told him as we rode along, our umbrellas hitting together every now and then. "When I was in kindergarten, our whole class learned how to sing that song, Singing in the Rain, for Grandparent's Day."

We decided to eat before we shopped, and I suggested Ban Yan, a chinese fast food chain that I had recently discovered close by. As soon as we got inside and dried off, Matt remembered that he had to run to the convenient store ATM and get some money. Kenny and I sat down at a table, and as we were seated across from each other looking at menus, in my head I told myself Casey, enjoy this! Remember this! This is as close to a date as you will ever have with him.

And I did enjoy it; even when I repeated a word that Matt had said, asking what it meant, too loudly (apparently it was a bit vulgar), and some of the other customers heard - and both of the boys laughed at me. I was happy, after all, and even embarrassment couldn't take that away from me.

After we ate, we did go shopping. The store we went to is called Don Quixote, and it is the closest thing that Japan has to a Dollar-Store combined with a Wal-Mart.

There, we talked about the theme for a while, and the discussion went to school uniforms and how Japanese people have weird fetishes about them. I neglected to mention that I found them quite attractive, myself. And then, Matt, in his completely oblivious way, continued on the topic and said "Kenny has a thing for loose socks." Kenny agreed behind him.

I was so glad that I wasn't looking at them, because I broke out into a big smile. Score Big! I totally had not one, but two pairs of loose socks. I was set!

After the shopping, we biked back toward the dorm. I turned off and headed home shortly before the campus entrance. We all waved goodbye, and for once I wasn't too sad in parting, because I knew that I would see them the following day.

Wednesday night came quickly, and I went over to the dormitory around nine o' clock. A couple of the guys besides Matt and Kenny were willing to help tonight, too, and they gathered in the social room downstairs. There were a lot of things to do to prepare the dorm. The first thing was to put cardboard over all the floors, so when people walked in their shoes inside the dorm, it wouldn't get too dirty. Matt began stringing up lights. Matt and I had talked about ideas for making a prom-like atmosphere, and since I was the only one to experience a real American prom, my suggestions were taken like gold, and approved.

I designed the cardboard cut outs that indicated the BAR and BATHROOMS; the "Class of 2009 Prom" sign, and the adornments for the walls. The main of these were these intricate snowflakes, which were chiseled laboriously out, then traced and repeated, again, and again, and again... We would attach two snowflakes together to make them three dimensional. We then spray painted them a miscellany of colors; blue, white and silver. It looked great but took thirty minutes apiece, at least. As a result I had many recruits sitting in the social room, on the couches, helping me.

Around 1 am, some of the boys went on a McDonalds run, to encourage us in our continued labors (I had long ago learned form 2MD that fast food tastes amazing when one has been drinking). I asked for an oreo McFlurry and some french fries. When they arrived, the boys watched in fascination as I dipped my fried into the shake. I forced them to try it - and they ended up not thinking it was so weird after all.

As I sat there, alternating between cutting out snowflakes with methodical, meticulous cuts of the scissors and eating french fries with reckless abandon, Kenny sat across the room from me  - and got my attention.

It was just like at the hot springs. He was staring at my face; not my eyes or my lips, but my nose.

"There's something...your face..." he began, then moved forward to peer at me.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, this time much more comfortable, and brave than I had been in October.

He looked at me for a moment longer, then shook his head.

"Nandemonai." he said, and went right back to what he’d been doing early. ("It's nothing.")

Nothing, my butt! I never figured out what he was staring at. But the night progressed, and Kenny wasn't done with doing weird things, it seemed.

Having gotten bored of snowflakes, some of the guys started cutting out other things. Kenny actually put a piece of cardboard up to his face and made a little mask. He cut out slits for eyes, a triangle nose, and an open, happy face. I giggled from where I was, but didn't take any particular notice of it, until he put his hand out and got my attention.

"Oi. Casey. It's for you."

What!? "E--?" I said.

"It's a Christmas present," he told me. I grinned. Even though it was sort of a joke, I actually was pleased as if it were a Christmas present. I thanked him, and put it down next to me. I didn't intend to keep it, even though I wanted to. It would be kind of weird and obvious that I liked Kenny if I did that.

So, I continued working. Finally it was around 2 am, and I decided that I had to leave. But as I was saying my goodbyes, Kenny looked up and called out to me: "Oi, matte! You forgot the face!"

He got up and bent over, picking it up from the ground. Then he held it out to me, and I took it.

"Oh," I said, still not really believing that Kenny intended it for me. But it seemed he was serious. "Arigatou. Taisetsu ni naru," I promised (Thank you! I'll take good care of it!).

He nodded, as if accepting my word, and went back to work.

It was a little ridiculous, but as soon as I had left out of the dorm, I threw my hands (and the face) against my heart and spun in a circle, squeeing. A gift! A gift that he had made, for me! Even if it didn't matter to him, I was so happy!

I biked all the way home, having to take the long route because it was so late at night. As I went down the cherry-blossom lined avenue, my bike weaved across the road like it were a pair of skis. I was happy, and I stared up at the emptied tree branches and the moon and the three stars the I could find hanging in the sky, and I sang along with my iPod, "Hey summer sun, your love's too fine."

Who cared if it was night! Who cared if it wasn't summer!? The cold bite of winter didn't even touch me.

Another thing had happened on that night; Australian Ken had asked if I would be willing to participate in the skit, as an honorary dorm member. Of course I said yes, and on Thursday night, after an extremely busy day (there was a christmas party where I worked as an English teacher) I biked in to meet everyone in my school uniform. We congregated by one of the dorms, and a 2MD boy asked me to pose, and took a picture with a cell phone that wasn't his. He told me that Izuru had a crush on me and would like the picture. I was a little shocked but couldn't help feeling good to hear that. It reminded me of how many times I had found out that people were dating, not from their actions, but by having to be told. Japanese people are hard to read sometimes.

After we had performed the skit (an advertisement for the party) at all the dorms, about fifteen of us went out to Ramen. I maneuvered to Kenny's table as subtly as possible. As we were eating, it came up unexpectedly; one of the boys mentioned that I was wearing loose socks.

Kenny looked down under the table IMMEDIATELY.

I blushed, but tried not to construe anything from it, and instead ate my ramen with pleasure, remembering how Matt had mentioned earlier, Kenny has a thing for loose socks.

How happy I was at that moment! We all biked back to 2MD, ready to continue with preparations.

I was now taking some of the snowflake cut outs and spraying them over the cardboard floor methodically, so the flooring had the illusion of being covered with snowflakes in white, silver, and blue (...and a bit of brown, but HEY, we had a budget after all!). At some point Kenny asked me, on the couch, what I had done with the face he had given me. I told him that I put it in my room. He seemed pleased with that answer, and that’s good because I had kind of set the thing up in a place of honor.

Kenny and Matt went outside, to help with the exterior decorations. During that time, Shin and I had a funny idea. He disrobed all the way to his boxers; and I used one of the cans of spray paint to outline his body on the cardboard floor that covered the first floor of the dorm. It looked like a skinny person's murder scene by the bathrooms; murder by snowflakes. Shin was covered on the edges by royal blue, and everyone came by to see and laughed.

We stayed up, working until 3 a.m. and then at last, deemed ourselves finished.

"I have class in the morning," I told them, yawning. "First period! Oyasumi!"

But Kenny and Matt both insisted that I stay over and sleep in their room. I didn't even pretend to hesitate, and slept well that night.

Laura was planning on coming that night, too. She didn't have a school uniform on hand, but she had a sweater vest and a white shirt, and a short skirt, and I had already given her my extra pair of loose socks so she was passable. We were planning to meet around 4:30 to get ourselves ready, and then join 2MD for some last minute preparations. It didn't work out, though -- because I got home from class and fell asleep, exhausted. I woke up at 6:15, fifteen minutes before the party was due to start! I had to scramble into the shower, and shave, and dress, and put on good smelling lotion and everything. I pedaled furiously to the party- arriving at a miraculous 6:45. On the way I checked my text messages, and saw I had some from both Matt and Kenny. Kenny's message was his traditional party-heralding ka-mon!, the japanese version of 'Come on!'.

I arrived, and the party was pretty good. The decorations, though, were GREAT. Kenny was doing the announcing for the party, and was wearing a middle school boy's uniform. I didn't get to dance with him. In fact, he was barely even out on the dance floor. At least Matt was willing to dance and have fun, and Laura showed up around 7:15, and I had fun with her, too. It was a good enough party, especially by the end, when everyone had been drinking enough to loosen up. I stood outside and met up with an old friend, who had partied pretty hard last year. I mentioned to him that he seemed rather tame, and he admitted that it had to do with the fact that he had broken his leg at one of the parties last year. Ah, logical. And then he said to me: Casey, why are you such a wild party girl?

To get Kenny's attention. So I can do those things with Kenny and no one will think that I think it means something. I just told him, drunkenly, "Because of a boy," I said. "But it's hopeless."

I knew he didn't love me as it was. I knew that I had to be the one to seek after him; to get him. I had never wanted anything so desperately before but it didn't look like I even had a chance.

Yuji consoled me some, but could only do so much; I kept seeing Kenny at the edge of my vision, in different places. He seemed happy, in his face, but I realize now that he wasn't, and a lot of that has to do with what I couldn't have known then about the things that were going on in his life.

And then the party was over. We turned out the guests, and began congratulating each other -- but as soon as the congratulations started, they were over.

Someone's purse had been stolen from the baggage claim area, and 400$ with it.

The school administration entered the building, and saw me, and tried to shoo Laura and I out. But all of my things were in Kenny and Matt's room; we were planning for an after-party. I couldn't find Kenny, but I saw Matt, and cried out to him, "What do I do?"

He told me to go to his room anyway, and wait there until he or Kenny came back. Laura and I were there as fast as lightning - and we hurried into his room, and found, to our surprise, that a girl in red was sitting on the ground there.

"HEY," she said.

I had already drunk a little, but even if I hadn't, I imagine that my response would've been exactly the same. My heckles were raised instantly and I hated that she was sitting in there where Laura and I alone were supposed to be. Who was this girl! I snarled in my head, What is she doing here! No, she does not belong! Get out! But I didn't voice those thoughts, and we exchanged introductions.

I discovered that her name was Natto, and she was to become one of my best friends.

Natto was a friend of Matt's; they had met in Thailand, long before she had even come to Japan. She was a graduate school student and had, like us, been caught in the crossfire of the criminal-caused mayhem. Matt had had enough time to tell her to come up here and stay put, no matter what, because there was going to be a meeting to discuss what should be done. This I believed, and relaxed; after all, few knew better than a dorm student at ICU just how much Japanese people love their meetings.

It went on for over two hours.

After the first hour and a half, we were so distressed and bored that we couldn't handle it anymore - and opened up Matt's fridge and broke out the booze. We kicked back some hard sake, and apparently it was some pretty good stuff because after not twenty minutes, we were taking very good friends, and taking sketchy pictures with each other to our hearts' content. Laura had some up-skirt shots where she sat on the ground surrounded by cups and alcohol; Natto - well, she was just Natto, and needed little help to be provocative; I lay in Kenny's bed and made sultry poses. It didn't help that my shirt was unbuttoned and my bra was showing.

Finally, Laura remembered that I had a long time ago "stolen" a dorm haori (which I had brought with me on that evening, to finally return) and insisted that we all take pictures in them together. We had just set the timer up on the camera and were posed at the end of the room when Matt threw open the door to the room.

First: "What the fuck are you doing!?" he exclaimed, his Aussie accent thick.

Then, his eyes landed on the bottles strewn across the floor. "You bitches drank my alcohol!"

"Taking pictures in dorm haori," Laura hiccuped, answering his first question. "Yay!"

Kenny followed Matt in after a few minutes, and he sulked on his bed for a bit. None of us were happy to see his perpetually cheerful countenance so downturned, and insisted on doing our best to make him feel better. We broke out more alcohol, and turned on some music, and within ten to fifteen minutes, the room was filled with a lot of previosly-depressed 2MD boys who still wanted to party. Matt turned off the lights and turned on the mood lighting, and soon it was as if nothing had ever happened.

Laura and I sat on Kenny's bed with him, at the computer. They began talking about Michael Buble, and turned on some music. I had only scarcely been exposed to the vocalist in the past, but both Laura and Kenny knew all the words to all his songs. It didn't matter that I didn't know the words; I was a fast learner, after all, and all three of us sat there doing poor man's karaoke for hours and hours.

The alcohol was steadily provided by Matt and Natto, who had hidden talent in mixing drink. It turned out, however, that Natto was not as good at imbibing drink as she was at mixing it. That evening, she got more drunk than she could remember being for a long time, she would tell us later. For out of nowhere, she and Bob - the alcoholic/addict - began making out. Matt pointed them out to us and laughed.

They stopped after a while, and then Natto and Matt and some others went up to the roof to smoke a few cigars. There, Natto worked her magic on Shin (she has a thing for Koreans) and then, to her long-time friend, Matt (I only learned this later). Laura wandered off to talk to the Australian Ken and Kenny and I sang to some Jamie Cullum until the party returned. Because of the way he was sitting, his entire body was leaning over mine as he moved the mouse on his computer - and he didn't seem too inclined to change the position for thirty minutes. I didn't even mind a second of it.

Everyone returned to the room, eventually; even Yaji - who had been sitting near my feet all night, perhaps in some hopes for my attention - a doomed venture if there ever was one. Natto and Bob began making out again, this time on Matt's bed. Someone yelled at them to take it somewhere else, but that didn't work -- they just covered themselves with Matt's comforter and continued in their business. Kenny laughed; Laura and I stared at Matt, horrified.

"You're just going to let them do that?!" we asked.

"Uh, yeah," he said.

"It's your BED!"

"Oh, what ever," he said, summing up the way he lived his life in general.

Eventually they stopped, and Natto recruited Matt (as I understand it) to began mixing Red Bull with whiskey or something. I had never had that kind of a drink before and I admit that it wasn't good for me - physically, but the results of it were great, because Kenny, me, and Laura exhausted of the singing and fell back on the bed exactly where we were. Someone was already asleep on the floor, in the bedding I had used on Thursday night; Natto was asleep on Matt’s bed, opposite the owner. And just like that, it seemed, it was decided that we would sleep where we were.

But Kenny's bed was merely a twin; for all three of us to sleep together required us to spoon. Laura was against the wall, and then me, in the middle, and then Kenny. We were all still in our 'school uniforms.'

Laura stuck her hand over my head; she was giving me a thumbs up.

I cuddled in to Kenny as close as I could, and tried to register absolutely everything I could about the whole situation, how warm Kenny was, everything, because this was pretty much a dream come true. And that just isn't something that a girl takes likely. And if she does, then she is a fool. I admit to being foolish, but not at this... for once, not with this.

The next day, we woke up and were hung over. I got on my bike and rode home; Laura took the bus back to her dorm, and then she went to Narita airport - it was time to return for Christmas.

I slept some more at my house, then woke up in the evening to prepare for two back to back parties. First, my British housemate, Rachel, had a birthday party in Kichijoji at a cake buffet called Sweets Paradise. Right after it, though, the celebration-for-the-dorm-party party was being held at a place I’d never been to before, in Nakano, some fifteen minutes further out on the train. The restaurant was an all you can eat Korean-BBQ meat buffet, and it was named “Gut’s Soul”.

I didn’t want to miss out on either event; so I forked out four thousand yen that night and did both.

As I left Rachel’s party, only 3/4s full with cake and pastas, it was nearly 6:30. The elevator was full up so I took the back stairs. I don’t know what I was thinking; I was still hung over, and at the first step, I put my boot forward - and missed.

I fell down the stairs head first.

It was a miracle of God that I managed to put out my knees, and even though I was wearing a skirt with tights, I didn’t end up truly hurt. I was badly shaken, though. I had no I.D. on me; I was head over heels for Kenny already, but I could’ve been truly lost to everyone.

Anyway, I arrived at Gut’s Soul not too much later. Matt arrived late, too; he’d apparently had to go all the way to Mt. Fuji to meet some friends at a theme park -- while hung over. He has a stomach of steel, I suppose. We all sat down and I enjoyed the most amazing meal. You say what you want about the name of that place, but for an hour and a half of all you can eat meat and some rice and veggies, and a drink bar, you only have to pay 1200 yen. Plus, the taste of the food is AMAZING and it has since become Natto and Laura and I’s favorite restaurant. We would eat there once a week together.

After the dinner, we all went on the train and then biked back to 2MD, where the whole dorm gathered together for a celebratory meeting. We all only had one or two beers apiece, and party organizers said a couple of speeches. To my surprise, I was asked to make a speech. What could I say but that over the past week I had lived at 2MD as much as my own home and was proud to help out and be part of everything! Still, compared to the year before, this party was absolutely weak - it’s amazing how certain people really can make or break a party’s atmosphere. I was up for more, and so were a few others; we played a few rounds of a drinking game, but as the night went on, a lot of people ended up going to bed. Yaji collapsed on a couch around 11 (and was teased mercilessly in his sleep). But the party was dull, and droll; but I kept going because it gave me more time to be with Kenny, and Kenny kept going because that is just the way he is -- he likes to party to the end, too. Then it was just Kenny and Bob and I for a while; and eventually Bob started losing the game on purpose, so we just dropped the facade of the game and took shots for a bit. Then we were all going upstairs to sleep (there was still extra bedding on the floor in Matt and Kenny’s room), but Bob wanted to show me something on youtube.
When I arrived in Kenny’s room some ten minutes later, he seemed surprised - like he had expected me to stay with Bob. Yeah right! I got into the bed, said good night, and we were both nearly asleep when the door to the room opened.

I remember a shadowy figure moving towards me -- and then suddenly Bob was laying down right on top of me, grinning lustily; Hell to the NO!

I pushed him off and screamed. I got to my feet and pointed at him with a shaky finger, and started babbling in Japanese, everything from no, stop, to gross, and pervert. He lolled on the pillow like a dog. I turned to Kenny and demanded he wake up.

“Help me!” I cried, my drunkenness revealing itself in my absolute distress; “Bob is on my bed, he is gross, he is bad, I don’t like this, I don’t know what to do, Kenny, do something! Help me!”

Poor guy could barely keep his eyes open, even once he opened them, and stared at Bob and then me in confusion; the sort that is too tired to process anything.

“Help me!” I insisted.

He got up, slowly, and kicked Bob with his foot. It didn’t really do anything, so Kenny motioned to me. We went on a parade around the dorm, looking for a place for me to sleep. We went by the social room, and we looked at the tatami mat rooms, and the couches in the social room, and he said “No, too cold...”. I wondered at this, and how a year ago it hadn’t been considered too cold for me. But I didn’t say anything.

Finally, with nothing else to think of, Kenny and I returned to his room. He opened the door, only to discover that Bob was no longer in my bedding. But, I worried, “What if he comes back? What will we do?”

Neither of us was sober enough to remember that there was a lock on the door. And that was probably a good thing, now that I think of it; the gossips of 2MD might have gotten all sorts of ideas from that.

In any case, Kenny finally had an idea; he offered me his bed and slept on the floor.

I don’t know if I would’ve done the same in his situation. It was very kind, and I fell asleep curled up in his blankets quickly.

The next day when I woke up Kenny had already gone to church. Matt was just waking up, though; he had to go downtown for a job fair and was debating whether it was worth it. I told him that I was going to church, and so we ended up going as far as Kichijoji together, before I had to change trains.

I sat on the Kichijoji rapid express, in a priority seat because I had gotten there early enough. I rested my face in my hand - and suddenly realized that an unusual scent was clinging to the center of my palm. Secretively, I smelled it again. It was the smell of tatami mat, and musk, and Kenny’s bed.

My heart panged inside my chest.

I went into the church, a bit late, and sat down in the front pew. I prayed to God to help me. I was leaving Japan that Friday, and wouldn’t see Kenny for three weeks at least - but I had spent the past two weeks completely swarmed in his presence. I felt God telling me that I needed to let Kenny go, because he was going to hurt me. I already was hurting. With every passing day I felt myself walking closer to the line that separated really-big-crush and unrequited love. I knew what love felt like, and to feel it alone seemed truly unbearable. As I left church, and walked down the path to Shibuya station past Mar italian cafe, I told God that I was done. I wasn’t going to try and do anything anymore. After all, I had given it my best. I had dressed as cute as I could. I had been as sweet as I could. I had fed him. I had tried to work my way into his life, and still, it had made no difference.

So I took a deep breath, and chose to be grateful for what I had gotten. We were definitely friends at this point. I would say good friends, on my part. After all, I had slept in his bed not once but twice, and wasn’t that something?

And thus, three days went by. Three days when I tried not to do anything.

Then came Tuesday night, just past midnight. It was nearly 12:30, and I was in pajamas, ready to go to bed when my cell phone buzzed. I sighed wearily, and thought with tired despair, Oh, if only it was Kenny! I wish...

I looked at the phone.

And the message was from him.

And suddenly, everything changed.