about boys
I'm a lovestruck teenager.
I'm not in love. But I'm in love with love and I just feel the need to say it. Because I imagine that maybe, just stating such a fact could make me feel better.
Somehow I don't feel like it's working.
I still feel like, "Oh, that dream, and I miss him..." and I feel so stupid about missing him when I really should be over this, but he was... We had a lot in common. More in common, I think, than most guys I've dated and he was always so good to me and that was when it was too good, too good for me. I regret it... But now I can't decide if something in me had been right. It's the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder... sort of thing. I think of myself and I realize that maybe I'm one of those girls who is made for long distance relationships. Being apart makes me appreciate him, makes me miss him, makes me want to do those things that are what lovers do, not just friends. It means he's a part of my life without taking over my life and I think that's good.
But it's all just idle thought, really. There's so many things I could say about boys that are generally ridiculous, because I know my feelings tend to go around in loops, when it comes to the boys who I never became something with, but we came close to each other.
Ultimately, it's the same story. It's all about how girls like boys. The tale that's been told throughout time is what makes a 'crush' a crush, and what makes a boy a man in the eyes of his love. So this is it, the consistent aspect of being a female which I cannot escape: there are boys you like when you're around them but forget later; there are boys you'd like in fantasy but never in real life; there are boys who are wonderful and wonderfully unattainable; and then there are those boys who are just, just, so overwhelming for some reason that can't be explained. It's the whole range of pre-relationship drama that I'm intrigued by. I wonder if I'll ever be able to bring myself to appreciate something beyond the pretext of chasing, chasing, chasing. Will I ever be able to be satisfied? Will I ever want to be satisfied?
I'd like to think that I'm learning how. But if I'm not, then, I hope I can't make those feelings disappear. There will be that one boy who is just so - so - SO, that I won't be able to make those feelings go away. When I don't have any way to weasel out of that embrace of embracing and all that romantic blather that I can't stand to see and feel unless I'm all alone. By myself. It'll be that boy who can make me be alone with him, and make those feelings come out from that jungle inside me.
I think about the boy who I keep missing and about how we missed each other, and then I'm going to Japan in four days. Suddenly, I remember him. And I go back to that consistent aspect, that mind-story I have about liking boys in every shape, way, and depth. I think about the boy that my dad wants me to marry, and I remember, we have so much in common. When I see him, for these next few weeks, I wonder if my heart will grow fonder. Or if there's someone else fonder, farther, after all.
I'm not in love. But I'm in love with love and I just feel the need to say it. Because I imagine that maybe, just stating such a fact could make me feel better.
Somehow I don't feel like it's working.
I still feel like, "Oh, that dream, and I miss him..." and I feel so stupid about missing him when I really should be over this, but he was... We had a lot in common. More in common, I think, than most guys I've dated and he was always so good to me and that was when it was too good, too good for me. I regret it... But now I can't decide if something in me had been right. It's the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder... sort of thing. I think of myself and I realize that maybe I'm one of those girls who is made for long distance relationships. Being apart makes me appreciate him, makes me miss him, makes me want to do those things that are what lovers do, not just friends. It means he's a part of my life without taking over my life and I think that's good.
But it's all just idle thought, really. There's so many things I could say about boys that are generally ridiculous, because I know my feelings tend to go around in loops, when it comes to the boys who I never became something with, but we came close to each other.
Ultimately, it's the same story. It's all about how girls like boys. The tale that's been told throughout time is what makes a 'crush' a crush, and what makes a boy a man in the eyes of his love. So this is it, the consistent aspect of being a female which I cannot escape: there are boys you like when you're around them but forget later; there are boys you'd like in fantasy but never in real life; there are boys who are wonderful and wonderfully unattainable; and then there are those boys who are just, just, so overwhelming for some reason that can't be explained. It's the whole range of pre-relationship drama that I'm intrigued by. I wonder if I'll ever be able to bring myself to appreciate something beyond the pretext of chasing, chasing, chasing. Will I ever be able to be satisfied? Will I ever want to be satisfied?
I'd like to think that I'm learning how. But if I'm not, then, I hope I can't make those feelings disappear. There will be that one boy who is just so - so - SO, that I won't be able to make those feelings go away. When I don't have any way to weasel out of that embrace of embracing and all that romantic blather that I can't stand to see and feel unless I'm all alone. By myself. It'll be that boy who can make me be alone with him, and make those feelings come out from that jungle inside me.
I think about the boy who I keep missing and about how we missed each other, and then I'm going to Japan in four days. Suddenly, I remember him. And I go back to that consistent aspect, that mind-story I have about liking boys in every shape, way, and depth. I think about the boy that my dad wants me to marry, and I remember, we have so much in common. When I see him, for these next few weeks, I wonder if my heart will grow fonder. Or if there's someone else fonder, farther, after all.