A Step Toward the Present.
I've always been a person to try and trap a memory, to dwell in later. But after a week of feeling absolutely horrible, of having literally hit the most bottom that I've ever been at in my life -- I feel positive, somehow.
I feel -- I can't believe this -- a little bit of hope.
In the midst of being so frustrated with myself, and with him, and even with God for letting this happen and not stepping in or something else -- I recognize that this is a chance for me to change, and for me to improve upon myself and keep living and 'shining,' as Sam described it, just as much as it is for him (and believe me, there is definitely a world of things he needs to work on -- things he needs to figure out about himself before he can even start to think of someone else).
I'm not going to wait. I'm not not going to wait, granted, but that's not going to be the goal.
I'm setting new goals. I'm going to step into the present with all of the heart I can muster.
I'm going to do my school work and meet with my girl friends and I am going to enjoy my beautiful, fascinating life -- exactly as I want to, with nothing holding me back. Just letting everything envelop me -- and instead of hoping for the future to be anything in specific, I'll just let the cards fall as they will, trusting in this promise: the person who loses his life, will find it. (Mark 8)
Honestly, I don't like this feeling of being forced to lose something when it doesn't make sense to me. And I want to find something, so everything in me is screaming "move toward that!!". It's not going to be easy doing the thing that feels least natural. But it's what I just have to do.
Or, really, as I should think of it-- "It's what I get to do!"
I get to find my life.
And that's -- that's exciting.
I feel -- I can't believe this -- a little bit of hope.
In the midst of being so frustrated with myself, and with him, and even with God for letting this happen and not stepping in or something else -- I recognize that this is a chance for me to change, and for me to improve upon myself and keep living and 'shining,' as Sam described it, just as much as it is for him (and believe me, there is definitely a world of things he needs to work on -- things he needs to figure out about himself before he can even start to think of someone else).
I'm not going to wait. I'm not not going to wait, granted, but that's not going to be the goal.
I'm setting new goals. I'm going to step into the present with all of the heart I can muster.
I'm going to do my school work and meet with my girl friends and I am going to enjoy my beautiful, fascinating life -- exactly as I want to, with nothing holding me back. Just letting everything envelop me -- and instead of hoping for the future to be anything in specific, I'll just let the cards fall as they will, trusting in this promise: the person who loses his life, will find it. (Mark 8)
Honestly, I don't like this feeling of being forced to lose something when it doesn't make sense to me. And I want to find something, so everything in me is screaming "move toward that!!". It's not going to be easy doing the thing that feels least natural. But it's what I just have to do.
Or, really, as I should think of it-- "It's what I get to do!"
I get to find my life.
And that's -- that's exciting.