I sat there on my bed and realized that it had only ever been me who made things get so crazy.
It is really good to know your weakness.
Okay. Here are the main points of what, I think, is one of the weakest points in my character:
* Sometimes, I genuinely misunderstand people and it has nothing to do with their words. I just feel that the way they are saying something is wrong and I can't shake it even if essentially we should be in agreement. This doesn't seem to have anything to do with english, either, so it is really frustrating
* Earlier this year I came to admit for the first time that I am actually a very dramatic person
* Once I understood that I was dramatic I had to face the idea that sometimes this is, while fun and amusing, sometimes absolutely awful for healthy relationships.
* Combining this reinforced trait with others, like how I've always been told to "use my brain" I somehow fooled myself into pairing my heart and my mind by, instead of balancing the two, by over-focusing on both, by thinking too hard, and feeling too hard, and then getting more confused than if I'd just taken it as it had come. It is much like shoppers in a grocery store who are so focused on budgeting that they end up spending more money than other less frugal shoppers who guesstimate prices as they go along. I'm stressing myself out and getting the wrong answer as a result.
* Therefore, in spite of how much I've been focusing on Shakespeare's tragedies lately and the resemblance between myself and Desdemona and Ophelia, the truth is that I am really mostly Othello, too open and easily led into feelings so strong, but completely unwarranted by the situation (though perhaps more like Hamlet I get trapped into almost fatalistic over-analysis and moping about).
So very, very succinctly, here is what I should do to try and balance out these propensities that quite frankly just don't help me and have the potential to hurt others:
1. I really need to stop over thinking things and
2. Assuming things are being said that aren't being said
3. Getting sad because I feel like I don't matter or something
...Because that is totally not the case.
Let us (as usual) use Kenny as the case study here.
When he says that he is busy and that he is at the capacity for what he can handle, he is being totally serious. And that is really all. He doesn't have time for anyone or anything and he forgets to talk to everyone about anything, and he wants to hang out but he literally has no time to hang out. He can't. His schedule is more or less the same as a salaryman's, not the american style of 9 to 5 but an inverse 5 to 9, and on weekends as well as anything else.
It's probably only going to get worse as his schedule gets even more packed. As he writes his senior thesis and then he becomes a graduate student.
It has nothing to do with me if he says he's busy and cannot come to things. And it's okay if I have to remind him to reply about things.
I am important to him. That's obvious enough after he called me 7 times in 10 minutes and cancelled his plans to come to my house and make sure I was all right when he read that I'd missed my final exam, and even bought me a new umbrella.
He thinks that we're doing well, that our relationship is good -- even if we had a conversation like we did the night before (and I looked so dejected as the train was leaving and he was left wondering, 'what in the world...??'). He doesn't really want anything from me. Doesn't think I need to do anything. He's happy as things are. He doesn't want me to stop liking him. He wants us to keep what we have as much as we can -- as long as we are being reasonable about the other commitments we have in our lives right now, too.
I think this is really quite reasonable.
That's the way I want to be. Reasonable.
The first step is to stop over-thinking everything.
And the first step to doing that is to stop thinking about it so damn much, and just living every day like it's another chance to grow and see happiness around me. To honestly see that a trial is an opportunity. How cool would it be to suddenly not feel like anything I face is really all that "bad" anymore? If I really believed that!
Okay. Here are the main points of what, I think, is one of the weakest points in my character:
* Sometimes, I genuinely misunderstand people and it has nothing to do with their words. I just feel that the way they are saying something is wrong and I can't shake it even if essentially we should be in agreement. This doesn't seem to have anything to do with english, either, so it is really frustrating
* Earlier this year I came to admit for the first time that I am actually a very dramatic person
* Once I understood that I was dramatic I had to face the idea that sometimes this is, while fun and amusing, sometimes absolutely awful for healthy relationships.
* Combining this reinforced trait with others, like how I've always been told to "use my brain" I somehow fooled myself into pairing my heart and my mind by, instead of balancing the two, by over-focusing on both, by thinking too hard, and feeling too hard, and then getting more confused than if I'd just taken it as it had come. It is much like shoppers in a grocery store who are so focused on budgeting that they end up spending more money than other less frugal shoppers who guesstimate prices as they go along. I'm stressing myself out and getting the wrong answer as a result.
* Therefore, in spite of how much I've been focusing on Shakespeare's tragedies lately and the resemblance between myself and Desdemona and Ophelia, the truth is that I am really mostly Othello, too open and easily led into feelings so strong, but completely unwarranted by the situation (though perhaps more like Hamlet I get trapped into almost fatalistic over-analysis and moping about).
So very, very succinctly, here is what I should do to try and balance out these propensities that quite frankly just don't help me and have the potential to hurt others:
1. I really need to stop over thinking things and
2. Assuming things are being said that aren't being said
3. Getting sad because I feel like I don't matter or something
...Because that is totally not the case.
Let us (as usual) use Kenny as the case study here.
When he says that he is busy and that he is at the capacity for what he can handle, he is being totally serious. And that is really all. He doesn't have time for anyone or anything and he forgets to talk to everyone about anything, and he wants to hang out but he literally has no time to hang out. He can't. His schedule is more or less the same as a salaryman's, not the american style of 9 to 5 but an inverse 5 to 9, and on weekends as well as anything else.
It's probably only going to get worse as his schedule gets even more packed. As he writes his senior thesis and then he becomes a graduate student.
It has nothing to do with me if he says he's busy and cannot come to things. And it's okay if I have to remind him to reply about things.
I am important to him. That's obvious enough after he called me 7 times in 10 minutes and cancelled his plans to come to my house and make sure I was all right when he read that I'd missed my final exam, and even bought me a new umbrella.
He thinks that we're doing well, that our relationship is good -- even if we had a conversation like we did the night before (and I looked so dejected as the train was leaving and he was left wondering, 'what in the world...??'). He doesn't really want anything from me. Doesn't think I need to do anything. He's happy as things are. He doesn't want me to stop liking him. He wants us to keep what we have as much as we can -- as long as we are being reasonable about the other commitments we have in our lives right now, too.
I think this is really quite reasonable.
That's the way I want to be. Reasonable.
The first step is to stop over-thinking everything.
And the first step to doing that is to stop thinking about it so damn much, and just living every day like it's another chance to grow and see happiness around me. To honestly see that a trial is an opportunity. How cool would it be to suddenly not feel like anything I face is really all that "bad" anymore? If I really believed that!