facebook statuses
Well i got a comment saying that someone was intrigued by my facebook statuses so i'll go through a some of them and explain them just because it sounds like a new format for a change.
July 2nd: Alana is really happy and hopes there are no more surprises for a while.
Sean tried to break up with me a week after the first time. well he was still not sure what he wanted and when we talked some more and i basically gave the same arguements as before emphasising that if breaking up with me was the right thing to do he would not feel like he was being torn apart by it and after a little while of talking he said he was an idiot for trying to throw away one of the greatest things that has happened in his life (i'm paraphrasing of course)
July 4th: Alana had a wonderful day with Sean. (and later) Alana is disappointed.
Well Sean and i got together earlier that day and spent lunch time together and walked around the mall a little bit, and it was fun and i really enjoyed myself and i ran into Shawn and his gf which was fun and unexpected. And he had planned to go to his friend's house to do fireworks but said that if i wanted he wouldn't go and that he would like to be able to spend it with me but his friend could only have so many ppl over. So when his friend couldn't have ppl over because of drama with his mother or something along those lines i was excited because remembering him wanting to be with me i thought "yay an opportunity to spend more time with him before he leaves on Sunday for his 3 week program at Rolla. But sadly he ended up saying that he wanted to spend the time with his friends. And althought i was REALLY upset about it i let it go, because knowing how painful that transition to college is i knew he didn't need anymore drama so i let it go.
July 5th: Alana is addicted to cinnamon sugar toast
Well yes i am its delicious but between the lines you'd see that i am really drowning my worries and sorrows in the toast because it was the day before Sean had to go and it was very sad because i know he was still troubled about leaving and wasn't sure about what he wanted. and i did my best to make things easy for him and be there for him
July 6th: Alana hopes he's having a good time. (and later) Alana is thinking "and so it begins"
The first one is right after he left it was hard seeing him go but i held it together a lot better than i thought i would lol i really love him and i'm excited that he got to go through the starting college thing i remember being so scared and excited for it. And the other part is about starting my diet which is going not so great i just i dunno i suck at the whole diet thing i wish i had someone making me eat what i should but because of my gym class and karate i've certainly been active so we'll see
July 7th: Alana wishes she had unlimited texting. (and) Alana wants to chat with someone.
Just me being whiney about not getting to talk to Sean as much as i'd like, but my dad upgraded my texts to 1500 YAY! we'll see how that goes
July 8th: Alana wants a good night's sleep for a change (and) Alana wishes she got more emails. (and a little later) Alana is giddy over the email she got.
The first one is like 3 in the morning because it was right before bed and buddy our new dog is pretty yappy at night, but he's getting better and my mom and dad both got me ear plugs lol since i'm the only one he seems to wake up. the second one was because i woke up and checked my mail and was sad because i had been writing sweet little emails to Sean saying that i hoped he had a good day and that i missed him and all that jazz, but hadn't gotten more than two sentences back and none at all that morning, so i was sad. Then like a few minutes later i talked to him and he said that he had sent me an email and hadn't seen my status lol very serendipitous and it was long and sweet and made me so happy thus the last status. at one point he said "So yea the people here are great the only thing that I could complain about is the lack of girls but when you have someone amazing back in kirkwood standing by your side that just does not affect you" that was so great to hear
July 10th: Alana is frustrated with Facebook's IM. (later) Alana is a little out of sorts. (and later) Alana is happy she got to talk to him
Well i was talking to my friend from CMU and i had been for a few days and he invited me to come visit him and probably fool around to make a long story short and whilst trying to talk to him Facebook IM kept cutting out on us saying that he or i was offline when we weren't, it was very frustrating. the 2nd status is about how i honestly wasn't sure if i was really into that because it felt wrong to still be so in love with Sean and go and fool around with another guy. Perhaps if it was just a circumstance kinda deal where we're hanging out and one thing leads to another but to plan seeing each other and most likely fool around something about it just felt kind of slutty and just plain off. Then the last status was about me getting to talk to Sean he called and we talked for a while about all that was going on with me and my friend and how it just felt off and it was just an amazing conversation and made me very happy and content with everything with Sean. It just made me happy. And what was odd during the time he was gone i was oddly content, perhaps because i knew he was having a good time and all that jazz, i'm not entirely sure
July 11th: Alana is still addicted to cinnamon sugar toast. (and later) Alana is disappointed and moody (and later) Alana doesn't know what to think or feel anymore.
The first part is evidence that my diet has not been going well *sigh* so very frustrating and depressing. 2nd part i had planned to go eat at my dad's house because he was making this vege pizza thing but he said he'd was going to get burger instead and well lets just say my diet isn't going THAT bad, so i was frustrated that he screwed with my dinner plans. and then the third part *sigh* he and i were talking online and i was hoping that he'd make me happier because he's usually pretty good at that but he said he was stressed out because he'd been thinking a lot. So i of course want to help so i told him to tell me about it. Well basically he's not sure if he has feelings for the girl he fooled around with the gorgeous one i mentioned in previous entries and that he's not sure if its romantic feelings or brotherly feelings because he's worried about what her activities and such and he wasn't completely happy with the fact that she had a few fuck buddies she was seeing. And he wasn't sure if he'd want to explore things exclusively with her if it was romantic and AH! So i'm sitting there in the living room watching tv with my mom while he tells me this online, so i go into my room so i'm free to cry, and online i am supportive and being a good friend instead of screaming (or online i guess it would be Caps Locking him) about how he need to get his shit together and stop putting me through this pain. I mean i've gone through some shit but it really tears me apart to hear stuff like this and this more so than the others because before he was telling me that he knows he wants me in his life either exclusively or in an open relationship and now it feels he's may just throw me out all together, i mean i know we'd still be friends, but fuck! Part of me wants to say fuck this you can't go through this pain again and what if even if he chooses you this time to say that he won't put you through it again. When he tells me these things i feel sick and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach and my palpitations act up it makes me physcially ill as well as kills me emotionally. But another part of me and a larger stronger part is telling me to suck it up let him work this out its no easier on him and that he is worth fighting for. I just worry that i'm going to do something or say something to upset him that will make him decide against me. Then at the end of this i asked if this had been why he hadn't replied to my texts about how badly i wanted to kiss him, and he said no that he feels complete when he kisses me and that he really truely loves me. And there i am at the end and i seriously half laughed to myself thinking wow this is sure a hell of a way to prove that to me. and although i really really really want to believe that i am still truely hesitant to do so. *sigh* we talked again and it didn't really get us much further but it was a decent and mildly happy conversation
July 12th: Alana is feeling a bit better about her situation.
It true i was maybe just because i had time to think about it and it wasn't a fresh wound anymore, but it is still painfully nagging at me.
Well that's about all and i know its a lot, but i'm sure there is still a lot more to come he and i have a lot to talk about tonight when he calls. Well that's all for now though
-Lani
July 2nd: Alana is really happy and hopes there are no more surprises for a while.
Sean tried to break up with me a week after the first time. well he was still not sure what he wanted and when we talked some more and i basically gave the same arguements as before emphasising that if breaking up with me was the right thing to do he would not feel like he was being torn apart by it and after a little while of talking he said he was an idiot for trying to throw away one of the greatest things that has happened in his life (i'm paraphrasing of course)
July 4th: Alana had a wonderful day with Sean. (and later) Alana is disappointed.
Well Sean and i got together earlier that day and spent lunch time together and walked around the mall a little bit, and it was fun and i really enjoyed myself and i ran into Shawn and his gf which was fun and unexpected. And he had planned to go to his friend's house to do fireworks but said that if i wanted he wouldn't go and that he would like to be able to spend it with me but his friend could only have so many ppl over. So when his friend couldn't have ppl over because of drama with his mother or something along those lines i was excited because remembering him wanting to be with me i thought "yay an opportunity to spend more time with him before he leaves on Sunday for his 3 week program at Rolla. But sadly he ended up saying that he wanted to spend the time with his friends. And althought i was REALLY upset about it i let it go, because knowing how painful that transition to college is i knew he didn't need anymore drama so i let it go.
July 5th: Alana is addicted to cinnamon sugar toast
Well yes i am its delicious but between the lines you'd see that i am really drowning my worries and sorrows in the toast because it was the day before Sean had to go and it was very sad because i know he was still troubled about leaving and wasn't sure about what he wanted. and i did my best to make things easy for him and be there for him
July 6th: Alana hopes he's having a good time. (and later) Alana is thinking "and so it begins"
The first one is right after he left it was hard seeing him go but i held it together a lot better than i thought i would lol i really love him and i'm excited that he got to go through the starting college thing i remember being so scared and excited for it. And the other part is about starting my diet which is going not so great i just i dunno i suck at the whole diet thing i wish i had someone making me eat what i should but because of my gym class and karate i've certainly been active so we'll see
July 7th: Alana wishes she had unlimited texting. (and) Alana wants to chat with someone.
Just me being whiney about not getting to talk to Sean as much as i'd like, but my dad upgraded my texts to 1500 YAY! we'll see how that goes
July 8th: Alana wants a good night's sleep for a change (and) Alana wishes she got more emails. (and a little later) Alana is giddy over the email she got.
The first one is like 3 in the morning because it was right before bed and buddy our new dog is pretty yappy at night, but he's getting better and my mom and dad both got me ear plugs lol since i'm the only one he seems to wake up. the second one was because i woke up and checked my mail and was sad because i had been writing sweet little emails to Sean saying that i hoped he had a good day and that i missed him and all that jazz, but hadn't gotten more than two sentences back and none at all that morning, so i was sad. Then like a few minutes later i talked to him and he said that he had sent me an email and hadn't seen my status lol very serendipitous and it was long and sweet and made me so happy thus the last status. at one point he said "So yea the people here are great the only thing that I could complain about is the lack of girls but when you have someone amazing back in kirkwood standing by your side that just does not affect you" that was so great to hear
July 10th: Alana is frustrated with Facebook's IM. (later) Alana is a little out of sorts. (and later) Alana is happy she got to talk to him
Well i was talking to my friend from CMU and i had been for a few days and he invited me to come visit him and probably fool around to make a long story short and whilst trying to talk to him Facebook IM kept cutting out on us saying that he or i was offline when we weren't, it was very frustrating. the 2nd status is about how i honestly wasn't sure if i was really into that because it felt wrong to still be so in love with Sean and go and fool around with another guy. Perhaps if it was just a circumstance kinda deal where we're hanging out and one thing leads to another but to plan seeing each other and most likely fool around something about it just felt kind of slutty and just plain off. Then the last status was about me getting to talk to Sean he called and we talked for a while about all that was going on with me and my friend and how it just felt off and it was just an amazing conversation and made me very happy and content with everything with Sean. It just made me happy. And what was odd during the time he was gone i was oddly content, perhaps because i knew he was having a good time and all that jazz, i'm not entirely sure
July 11th: Alana is still addicted to cinnamon sugar toast. (and later) Alana is disappointed and moody (and later) Alana doesn't know what to think or feel anymore.
The first part is evidence that my diet has not been going well *sigh* so very frustrating and depressing. 2nd part i had planned to go eat at my dad's house because he was making this vege pizza thing but he said he'd was going to get burger instead and well lets just say my diet isn't going THAT bad, so i was frustrated that he screwed with my dinner plans. and then the third part *sigh* he and i were talking online and i was hoping that he'd make me happier because he's usually pretty good at that but he said he was stressed out because he'd been thinking a lot. So i of course want to help so i told him to tell me about it. Well basically he's not sure if he has feelings for the girl he fooled around with the gorgeous one i mentioned in previous entries and that he's not sure if its romantic feelings or brotherly feelings because he's worried about what her activities and such and he wasn't completely happy with the fact that she had a few fuck buddies she was seeing. And he wasn't sure if he'd want to explore things exclusively with her if it was romantic and AH! So i'm sitting there in the living room watching tv with my mom while he tells me this online, so i go into my room so i'm free to cry, and online i am supportive and being a good friend instead of screaming (or online i guess it would be Caps Locking him) about how he need to get his shit together and stop putting me through this pain. I mean i've gone through some shit but it really tears me apart to hear stuff like this and this more so than the others because before he was telling me that he knows he wants me in his life either exclusively or in an open relationship and now it feels he's may just throw me out all together, i mean i know we'd still be friends, but fuck! Part of me wants to say fuck this you can't go through this pain again and what if even if he chooses you this time to say that he won't put you through it again. When he tells me these things i feel sick and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach and my palpitations act up it makes me physcially ill as well as kills me emotionally. But another part of me and a larger stronger part is telling me to suck it up let him work this out its no easier on him and that he is worth fighting for. I just worry that i'm going to do something or say something to upset him that will make him decide against me. Then at the end of this i asked if this had been why he hadn't replied to my texts about how badly i wanted to kiss him, and he said no that he feels complete when he kisses me and that he really truely loves me. And there i am at the end and i seriously half laughed to myself thinking wow this is sure a hell of a way to prove that to me. and although i really really really want to believe that i am still truely hesitant to do so. *sigh* we talked again and it didn't really get us much further but it was a decent and mildly happy conversation
July 12th: Alana is feeling a bit better about her situation.
It true i was maybe just because i had time to think about it and it wasn't a fresh wound anymore, but it is still painfully nagging at me.
Well that's about all and i know its a lot, but i'm sure there is still a lot more to come he and i have a lot to talk about tonight when he calls. Well that's all for now though
-Lani