(no subject)

[lani417]

I'm probably the most confused person ever right now. I think it could be mainly due to the fact that i've been stressing so heavily how happy i've been that when you come to a brick wall it hits you a little harder than usual. I guess you can't always expect everything to be perfect. I try to live life to the fullest and take into account that tomorrow might be my last day... but you can't help but feeling helpless sometimes. You can't force yourself to overcome a mood if your body just isn't going to let you. The mind is a very powerful thing, and i'd like to think that sometimes you can outsmart it but in the long run it's strength will overcome any interception you've had with its capacity. Living with 23 people is nothing short of extroidinary, but it's also intrusive, overbearing, combative, and vindictive. As is anyone at times. I've been at times. Individually, some of these girls will never leave my heart, my side, my life.... I guess you can't expect everything from everyone. And i will never stop trying to find the good in everyone that i meet, learning from them and realizing that each experience is meant for something greater. This experience has taught me SO much about myself. I run away from just about everything. and i can finally admit that to myself. i run away from confrontation, from mistakes, from relationships, from my life sometimes. There's so much i want to do, so much i want to say and i'm always getting upstaged which in turn has made me scared to stand up and say something. I feel like i can't be good enough for anyone, that theres always someone better, something better. And i don't know where this stemmed from. I don't know what the fucks going on. I just know that i hit a brick wall and feel like i just want to stop everything so i can just, breathe. I need time to breathe. I need to time. Time to myself. And i wish i had all the time in the world. So i could just go drive, anywhere. just end up somewhere... not cold.... and stay there for a few hours. I'm just frustrated i guess. i've put all this stress on happiness and living life and cutting out the bullshit... and then you hit a rough spot and you're not ready for it. i've discounted the negativity so much that when it comes back around it's too much to handle. I just need my space right now. I need to stop being treated like a fucking highschooler. I can't light a fucking candle in my room without getting yelled at or hold a beer in a fucking facebook picture without setting off some sort of negative image. what is this ideal they're looking for? i just don't understand it sometimes. there's times when i can comply with the rules fully but other times ijust think a lot of it is a load of crap. and i think my livejournal just went from being semi-vent to full on vent hah. I guess i'm just sick of people talking SHIT about eachother... don't put on a front, don't be a hypocrite, contradicting. i've been the though motions. i've been through the bullshit and i'm so tired of it. and grudges are stupid too. don't hold a grudge. you may not be friends with everyone... but if you've been wronged, unless it's very severe. fuck it.

and end rant part 1.