(no subject)
I had dinner with my parents tonight. I am also so goddamn pissed off right now. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was all fine for about ten minutes. Then my father decides to ask me if i've 'outgrown' this yet?! What!? being gay? no, you don't outgrow it! then he tells me he means living with kevin. you mean, am i over the man who took me in, fed, clothed, and payed for my education for four years!? oh yeah, i'm over that. asshole. fuck! so we ended up yelling at each other while my mother almost cried. and the person who kept telling me to at least sit down and listen to my father was kevin! sometimes he too damned levelheaded! i mean, fuck!!!
deep breaths
deep breaths
deep breaths
fuck!
calming thoughts.
asshole.
god i'm not good at this. i'm usually the upbeat one but fuckin come on! we only really started speaking again a year ago. and that was mostly kevin's doing as well. what an ass. i mean, he's honestly never made a legitimate effort to see me. he hasn't been here to the house where i've lived for four years, once. not even to the door outside. it's like if he sees it then it has to be real. ahhhhhhhhhh
i understand that i'm gay and for a first generation american man, that might be hard to deal with. i also get that i skewed that further when i fell in love with a man so much older than me. but neither of these things were under my control. i've always been gay and i've always been attracted to who i'm attracted to. if anything, kev has treated me a thousand times better than my father ever did.
see, my father gets me all riled up and frustrated, and then kevin comes and rubs my back and calms me down. how can he not see that i'm okay. for the first time in my entire life, college aside, i really know who i am, what i want, and i'm content with my life. the only thing i'd change is my idiot father. his parents were the first members of my family, other than my brothers, to invite kevin to something as a member of the family. two old heartily conservative czech people not only acccepted him and me, but have learned and become more open, better people because of it. why is my father so different?!
and now i kind of want to cry and scream all at the same time, so i'm going to go lay down and watch animal planet and receive an amazing shoulder rub. hot damn i really do love this man.
and despite it all i still love my father. if i didn't, then none of this would bother me, but i do so it does. stupid man.
in the end though, he's my father. what else am i supposed to do?
It was all fine for about ten minutes. Then my father decides to ask me if i've 'outgrown' this yet?! What!? being gay? no, you don't outgrow it! then he tells me he means living with kevin. you mean, am i over the man who took me in, fed, clothed, and payed for my education for four years!? oh yeah, i'm over that. asshole. fuck! so we ended up yelling at each other while my mother almost cried. and the person who kept telling me to at least sit down and listen to my father was kevin! sometimes he too damned levelheaded! i mean, fuck!!!
deep breaths
deep breaths
deep breaths
fuck!
calming thoughts.
asshole.
god i'm not good at this. i'm usually the upbeat one but fuckin come on! we only really started speaking again a year ago. and that was mostly kevin's doing as well. what an ass. i mean, he's honestly never made a legitimate effort to see me. he hasn't been here to the house where i've lived for four years, once. not even to the door outside. it's like if he sees it then it has to be real. ahhhhhhhhhh
i understand that i'm gay and for a first generation american man, that might be hard to deal with. i also get that i skewed that further when i fell in love with a man so much older than me. but neither of these things were under my control. i've always been gay and i've always been attracted to who i'm attracted to. if anything, kev has treated me a thousand times better than my father ever did.
see, my father gets me all riled up and frustrated, and then kevin comes and rubs my back and calms me down. how can he not see that i'm okay. for the first time in my entire life, college aside, i really know who i am, what i want, and i'm content with my life. the only thing i'd change is my idiot father. his parents were the first members of my family, other than my brothers, to invite kevin to something as a member of the family. two old heartily conservative czech people not only acccepted him and me, but have learned and become more open, better people because of it. why is my father so different?!
and now i kind of want to cry and scream all at the same time, so i'm going to go lay down and watch animal planet and receive an amazing shoulder rub. hot damn i really do love this man.
and despite it all i still love my father. if i didn't, then none of this would bother me, but i do so it does. stupid man.
in the end though, he's my father. what else am i supposed to do?