They say Roses are red, violets are blue
Well thats what they say, that roses are red, violets are blue, which they are... put those two together and you'll get purple...tulips maybe. Anyways, Valentines day is coming up soon, in about a week or so from now. I spent a good time of yesterday and a couple hours of last week planning out this V-day thing that I was going to do for Anna. Did all the bit-mapping and soft-sketches, and everything....
FOR WHAT?? Cause I probably wont give it to her anyways...
A lot of times I wonder why I do these types of things, sulk myself in things that have no possibility of happening or that Ill probably never ever actually do. I so want to tho, but I do a very hefty good job of overdoing things, maybe thats my problem... darn. At least the idea was really good!! If I were her/any girl Id like it, but then again Im crazy and my heart doesnt quite work like other people'ses.
I was chatting with my friend Pauline, and she asked how I was doing. You ever feel like an island, amongst islands. Scratch that metaphor, cause I dont know what that means really. Anyways, I think that Im just feeling a lil bit of the loneliness jitters. I realized it before, but its always nice to have it come around again. You know that feeling, that your just not really someone that magnetizes anyone towards you. Not just now, but all the time in my life. Thinking back in the world, Ive never ever had a friend that actually frequently came by or cared to (not saying that they dont care tho), best friends i think theyd call them. Almost any person that Ive ever had any form of relationship with, Ive somehow messed up that, or wittled it to nothing. My lack of social skills bothers me, but I guess it might be the product of my upbringing. Despite all my efforts, in the end Ive become my father... alone, with no one to actually talk to, at least he had Jim... whose my Jim??
Friendship takes effort, sure it does, or at least thats what the bumper sticker says. Whoever wrote that definately didnt tell you about pooring it on too strong. I do my best to tell people about my world, update my world and try to include them in my world, ya know... but thats all that happens. I try hard, 'tell people the truth and they'll do the same'... im sure theres a bumper sticker out there for that too. For me, its like every time I meet someone new, its almost as if theres a time-clock counting down til the moment they just end up walking away from me. Either by just my lack of cool-ness, or that lack of an interesting life/personality/social skills. or maybe like usual Ill fall for the ones that I actually want to keep in my life... for instance Anna. Now she's still possibly the most beautiful person Ive ever met, but I guess sometimes things just drift away from you, and like water, you just drift with it.
I think the worst feeling that you can give someone is that feeling that they dont exist, you know that their just kind of there. Thats the one reason I hate it at home. My brother has gotten married, and has a family to worry about so he's moving on to bigger things. The rest of my family (entire) has pretty much broken themselves so much that they cant stand to be with each other in the same place. Lets just mention how my real dad's family never ever contacts me, but they always contact my brother (see what I mean?). My house is like death for me most, no all the time. And even now the few people that I do exist to, are slowly moving away from me too. My mother and father basically dont speak to me (which might explain my lack of social skills... sorry to all for that, some mountains you just cant climb, ya know?) and that hurts on a different level then just pain itself. Hate me, like me, dont like who I am as a person, fine... I know for a fact that Im not a great person... but dont not talk to me, yell at me, just let me know that I exist... somewhere.
I just want to exist to someone without having to actually tell them that I exist, ya know? Have them see me, without me having to try and be seen. All the time I think people would just pass over me, go on and never stop, unless I stopped them. Theres tons of examples of this type of thing. In this winter-break (or any/every break) I called people to see what their doing, but none of it really beared fruit. My only real human contact was when me, Pauline, and Chelsea hung out, and I only was able to go on it cause I called Pauline just before she went over there, would she had called me... I think not? Despite my biggest efforts to build those bridges for the foundation of friendships, it only seems to be a temporary fix, I still have drifted to loneliness.
'If I were a movie... Id be Theme Music'... Common said that. And if I were movie thats what Id be, there just in the backgrounds of real things, no real thing for my own, but yet someone else stealing my dimly lit spot-light. The streamless tail to the shine of someone elses star. I can only feel the worst of things will and have come... that loneliness will be my fait, no family to lean on, no person to break my fall.
::tear::tear::
~Courtland
Out!
FOR WHAT?? Cause I probably wont give it to her anyways...
A lot of times I wonder why I do these types of things, sulk myself in things that have no possibility of happening or that Ill probably never ever actually do. I so want to tho, but I do a very hefty good job of overdoing things, maybe thats my problem... darn. At least the idea was really good!! If I were her/any girl Id like it, but then again Im crazy and my heart doesnt quite work like other people'ses.
I was chatting with my friend Pauline, and she asked how I was doing. You ever feel like an island, amongst islands. Scratch that metaphor, cause I dont know what that means really. Anyways, I think that Im just feeling a lil bit of the loneliness jitters. I realized it before, but its always nice to have it come around again. You know that feeling, that your just not really someone that magnetizes anyone towards you. Not just now, but all the time in my life. Thinking back in the world, Ive never ever had a friend that actually frequently came by or cared to (not saying that they dont care tho), best friends i think theyd call them. Almost any person that Ive ever had any form of relationship with, Ive somehow messed up that, or wittled it to nothing. My lack of social skills bothers me, but I guess it might be the product of my upbringing. Despite all my efforts, in the end Ive become my father... alone, with no one to actually talk to, at least he had Jim... whose my Jim??
Friendship takes effort, sure it does, or at least thats what the bumper sticker says. Whoever wrote that definately didnt tell you about pooring it on too strong. I do my best to tell people about my world, update my world and try to include them in my world, ya know... but thats all that happens. I try hard, 'tell people the truth and they'll do the same'... im sure theres a bumper sticker out there for that too. For me, its like every time I meet someone new, its almost as if theres a time-clock counting down til the moment they just end up walking away from me. Either by just my lack of cool-ness, or that lack of an interesting life/personality/social skills. or maybe like usual Ill fall for the ones that I actually want to keep in my life... for instance Anna. Now she's still possibly the most beautiful person Ive ever met, but I guess sometimes things just drift away from you, and like water, you just drift with it.
I think the worst feeling that you can give someone is that feeling that they dont exist, you know that their just kind of there. Thats the one reason I hate it at home. My brother has gotten married, and has a family to worry about so he's moving on to bigger things. The rest of my family (entire) has pretty much broken themselves so much that they cant stand to be with each other in the same place. Lets just mention how my real dad's family never ever contacts me, but they always contact my brother (see what I mean?). My house is like death for me most, no all the time. And even now the few people that I do exist to, are slowly moving away from me too. My mother and father basically dont speak to me (which might explain my lack of social skills... sorry to all for that, some mountains you just cant climb, ya know?) and that hurts on a different level then just pain itself. Hate me, like me, dont like who I am as a person, fine... I know for a fact that Im not a great person... but dont not talk to me, yell at me, just let me know that I exist... somewhere.
I just want to exist to someone without having to actually tell them that I exist, ya know? Have them see me, without me having to try and be seen. All the time I think people would just pass over me, go on and never stop, unless I stopped them. Theres tons of examples of this type of thing. In this winter-break (or any/every break) I called people to see what their doing, but none of it really beared fruit. My only real human contact was when me, Pauline, and Chelsea hung out, and I only was able to go on it cause I called Pauline just before she went over there, would she had called me... I think not? Despite my biggest efforts to build those bridges for the foundation of friendships, it only seems to be a temporary fix, I still have drifted to loneliness.
'If I were a movie... Id be Theme Music'... Common said that. And if I were movie thats what Id be, there just in the backgrounds of real things, no real thing for my own, but yet someone else stealing my dimly lit spot-light. The streamless tail to the shine of someone elses star. I can only feel the worst of things will and have come... that loneliness will be my fait, no family to lean on, no person to break my fall.
::tear::tear::
~Courtland
Out!