Sometimes things just swirl around
Well I dont know what the title has to do with anything really. Havnt done one of these in a while, so figured I might as well throw some thoughts out there. Everything is going pretty good. Last night I spent 5hours (8-3am, whatever hours that actually is) in the library going over bio test prep stuff, along with about 3-4hrs of putting together my summer internship applications, or at least filling out the part that Im supposed to do myself. Now I guess I just wait for my recommendors to give me their recommendations, cross my fingers and hope for the best.
As far as classes are concerned I think that their going pretty good, but I will say that I havnt been doing anything scholastic really for the past 2-3 days or so. Need to get that started today after I get off work. I think the bio test should go pretty well, or at least after I should do a B- level at the very least.
So thats the school part of things. As far as everything else, a lot has changed since this last little break or so. Over this last break I think there was one person that I actually missed the entire time, Anna. Taking a step back away from myself, I always think that this type of thought is just a rabbit hole with no opening, and decide that Im probably just stepping into something that I shouldnt feel, or something like that. My feelings scare me sometimes, a lot of times actually.
My friend Ronda said that she was scared to tell someone that she liked that she liked them, and I told her "i think if you feel something for someone, you should go for it, let your heart speak for itself, and follow it. yeah, what can you trust if not the callings of the heart. If you always subsidize what you feel for what is best, then you'll have nothing to offer when you plead the case for 'what your worth.'" and that "I just hope that you just dont let it just 'not' happen, simply because of circumstance and opertunity." Advice is so easy to give cause its not you, when it comes time to actually walk the same path, is like you cant do it really, its like the feet just get heavy, like you cant move sometimes.
"What your worth"... I keep asking what Im exactly worth, what exactly I have to present to anyone when I eventually get to the table. 'A good friend' I always hear (thats if i hear anything at all), so I keep asking myself whether or not thats all i have to give anyone really, or at least all i can persuade someone that I deserve (deserve isnt the right word here).
I spent all of friday thinking about valentines day and that type of thing. For me its always been a version of 'single's awareness day'... with both good and bad aspects to it. Every year I scratch a new stroke on a year's past, its like a weird form of my own personal new-years. I have this weird idea of what I might do, but knowing me I always go over board. Is that such a bad thing, to tell someone that you think their wonderful??, maybe so, eh. If anyone wants to know what it is feel free to ask me, someone out there should know what I might have done.
Maybe Ill get the courage to do what I want, and maybe the weakness in my ability to be so forward about the way I feel, is the main reason that I never ever get the things I want. What I want, I always seem to subsidize what I want for what is best, as if their wants are somehow better than that of mine. I know its not that black & white, but you should get the idea.
My friends mostly say that I should go for it!! Its kind of funny what one of them said as the reason. My friend Jamie said that "you hold back way too much and just need to get things out, makes life so much easier, plus i'd rather hear about you being with someone than always wanting and trying to be with someone." that she"'d just rather see you happy than questionable all the time." Its just kind of funny how cyclic my life has become when you look at it, a weird type of re-run over and over again.
Fear, does weird things to even the strongest person. Ive seen it, its brought down the mightiest men Ive met so far in life to a small puddle of their former self. The fear of an unsuccessful life has toppled my father to a point of insanity. For me I dont quite know what I fear more, that if I do tell her, she'll just say no, or maybe its that Im more scared of understanding once again that "Courtland your such a good friend, but It just isnt there." (or something along that line)
Its just weird to think about sometimes. You know, those moments when your goals and your wants collide. Or at least my fear is that they will. You know your wants say: That you want more, that friendship isnt enough, that you just want to do all that crazy stuff that you'd hoped to do for someone, all that mushy stuff that you see in weird movies. But then they drop the bomb (or maybe its just a smaller version of whatever thatwould be in terms of a bomb), that 'your just a good friend.' And then your goal just isnt really in-line with your want. By anything, your goal: just to make them the happiest that you can. So if you do hear that, do you drop your wants and place them in a place of 'o well'... take the red pill and leavve the fantasy speculated world behind and just accept your place, or take the blue pill and dwell over something that might not have the possibility of fermenting.
Well my thoughts go deeper than this/that, but i think this is enough for now. Just a piece of the dollar I think I still owed myself or my mind anyways. Ill just say that sometimes I wish the heart was easier on the rest of me. Wow thats a long entry, thanks to all you people that deem it worthy of your time to read it. Hehe.
Much loves,
~Courtland
As far as classes are concerned I think that their going pretty good, but I will say that I havnt been doing anything scholastic really for the past 2-3 days or so. Need to get that started today after I get off work. I think the bio test should go pretty well, or at least after I should do a B- level at the very least.
So thats the school part of things. As far as everything else, a lot has changed since this last little break or so. Over this last break I think there was one person that I actually missed the entire time, Anna. Taking a step back away from myself, I always think that this type of thought is just a rabbit hole with no opening, and decide that Im probably just stepping into something that I shouldnt feel, or something like that. My feelings scare me sometimes, a lot of times actually.
My friend Ronda said that she was scared to tell someone that she liked that she liked them, and I told her "i think if you feel something for someone, you should go for it, let your heart speak for itself, and follow it. yeah, what can you trust if not the callings of the heart. If you always subsidize what you feel for what is best, then you'll have nothing to offer when you plead the case for 'what your worth.'" and that "I just hope that you just dont let it just 'not' happen, simply because of circumstance and opertunity." Advice is so easy to give cause its not you, when it comes time to actually walk the same path, is like you cant do it really, its like the feet just get heavy, like you cant move sometimes.
"What your worth"... I keep asking what Im exactly worth, what exactly I have to present to anyone when I eventually get to the table. 'A good friend' I always hear (thats if i hear anything at all), so I keep asking myself whether or not thats all i have to give anyone really, or at least all i can persuade someone that I deserve (deserve isnt the right word here).
I spent all of friday thinking about valentines day and that type of thing. For me its always been a version of 'single's awareness day'... with both good and bad aspects to it. Every year I scratch a new stroke on a year's past, its like a weird form of my own personal new-years. I have this weird idea of what I might do, but knowing me I always go over board. Is that such a bad thing, to tell someone that you think their wonderful??, maybe so, eh. If anyone wants to know what it is feel free to ask me, someone out there should know what I might have done.
Maybe Ill get the courage to do what I want, and maybe the weakness in my ability to be so forward about the way I feel, is the main reason that I never ever get the things I want. What I want, I always seem to subsidize what I want for what is best, as if their wants are somehow better than that of mine. I know its not that black & white, but you should get the idea.
My friends mostly say that I should go for it!! Its kind of funny what one of them said as the reason. My friend Jamie said that "you hold back way too much and just need to get things out, makes life so much easier, plus i'd rather hear about you being with someone than always wanting and trying to be with someone." that she"'d just rather see you happy than questionable all the time." Its just kind of funny how cyclic my life has become when you look at it, a weird type of re-run over and over again.
Fear, does weird things to even the strongest person. Ive seen it, its brought down the mightiest men Ive met so far in life to a small puddle of their former self. The fear of an unsuccessful life has toppled my father to a point of insanity. For me I dont quite know what I fear more, that if I do tell her, she'll just say no, or maybe its that Im more scared of understanding once again that "Courtland your such a good friend, but It just isnt there." (or something along that line)
Its just weird to think about sometimes. You know, those moments when your goals and your wants collide. Or at least my fear is that they will. You know your wants say: That you want more, that friendship isnt enough, that you just want to do all that crazy stuff that you'd hoped to do for someone, all that mushy stuff that you see in weird movies. But then they drop the bomb (or maybe its just a smaller version of whatever thatwould be in terms of a bomb), that 'your just a good friend.' And then your goal just isnt really in-line with your want. By anything, your goal: just to make them the happiest that you can. So if you do hear that, do you drop your wants and place them in a place of 'o well'... take the red pill and leavve the fantasy speculated world behind and just accept your place, or take the blue pill and dwell over something that might not have the possibility of fermenting.
Well my thoughts go deeper than this/that, but i think this is enough for now. Just a piece of the dollar I think I still owed myself or my mind anyways. Ill just say that sometimes I wish the heart was easier on the rest of me. Wow thats a long entry, thanks to all you people that deem it worthy of your time to read it. Hehe.
Much loves,
~Courtland