(no subject)
Dum de dum, being emo stylin' a little currently. I went through and cleared out my backlog of e-mails and found quite a few gems I had totally managed to forget about.
The oldest e-mail I have in there permanently is an e-mail from this guy named Michael Weakley who went to APSU. We met on Myspace while he was studying abroad in Sweden and talked all the time. This was... Sophomore year right after all the crap with Brian went down. So I was 19 and he was somewhere up near 25 or so. I always feel like such a little kid next to anyone older than me. I dunno why, but I always have. Even if it's people who are only a week or two older than me, I just feel so naive and ignorant all the time. Anyway, Michael really helped me figure out a lot about myself when I was trying to emerge from my protective bubble I found myself in due to all the crap that was going on around me. This e-mail was a yahoo conversation we had that I saved and sent to myself where I told him I really liked him. He really should have known, but I think it scared him some... I guess it was a pretty pointless conversation all in all, since we met once for lunch when he came back to the US and never spoke again, but it's just one of those conversations I hold on to when I need to remember what life was like at that point.
I have another conversation saved on my computer that I re-read every now and then from David Liberatore. We only talked online once ever, I think, during freshman year, but he always amazed me so much the way he wasn't afraid to be open or say anything. I think a lot of the straight people I've liked over the years felt guilty about not being able to like me in the same manner (Ben told me so on multiple occasions), and this really helped me get a lot closer to some of these people than I would have ever really expected. Ben even told me the biggest secret of his high school career all of one week into me knowing him. With David it always seemed so odd that he would want to associate with me, since he was one of the star jocks and hung out with all those people who I was afraid of. But we never ran short of things to talk about, whether it be him going on about how pathetic he thought everyone he was grouped together with was or us just being total nerds together. If this doesn't make you hang your head in shame, nothing will: we were seated next to one another for the AP Government test in the back of the room, and when we were done with the test, we used one of the graphs showing support for political parties, and competed to integrate the lines on the graphs to discover the area under the curves. Yeah... he was a closet nerd.
For the last 5 years there's nothing I've wanted more than to go back to my high school reunion and be refined into some mega-hot super-successful person, but ever since David's death (and Joey's to a lesser extent, only since he wasn't in my grade), I've always been afraid of being back here in Clarksville. I mean... I was totally gone on David. If anyone ever is bored enough to reread my junior and senior years of this journal, I constantly refer to David as ~ALOML~, which stood for Ah, love of my life. I know he and Ben are where I started setting up unreasonable expectations for myself that totally ruined my college years, but he was just so... awesome. I think my most favorite memory of him ever was when I was doing my independent study course on graphic design on the last day before Christmas break. Danielle had given me a Christmas mix cd she made me, and I was listening to that. The song One Headlight was playing and he randomly came in since he saw me from the hallway. We kinda made some small talk, but then we were just sitting there and the song was playing, and I felt so devastated, but so complete. Thank god he left the room not too long after, because the next song was What Is Love? and it was so ridiculously embarassing when that started blasting from the computer (even though I was all alone... I embarass myself too often). I only saw him two or three times since graduation, but his funeral was just so horrible for me. I dunno if I'm just being a masochist, but I've kept his funeral program in my car ever since.
Anyway, I also found an old LJ entry Allen typed about how much he was pissed at Lora and Scott for the whole Vicky/Nicki drama, which never got posted because they made up, followed by a huge AIM conversation Allen and Karl had about the whole crappy situation that Christmas. For some reason, rereading it now, it seems like Karl really wanted me to just apologize and he would be friends with me again. I think he was a lot more lonely than he let people know.
Ugh, too many words. I think I'll just go reread high school entries and see what's up.
The oldest e-mail I have in there permanently is an e-mail from this guy named Michael Weakley who went to APSU. We met on Myspace while he was studying abroad in Sweden and talked all the time. This was... Sophomore year right after all the crap with Brian went down. So I was 19 and he was somewhere up near 25 or so. I always feel like such a little kid next to anyone older than me. I dunno why, but I always have. Even if it's people who are only a week or two older than me, I just feel so naive and ignorant all the time. Anyway, Michael really helped me figure out a lot about myself when I was trying to emerge from my protective bubble I found myself in due to all the crap that was going on around me. This e-mail was a yahoo conversation we had that I saved and sent to myself where I told him I really liked him. He really should have known, but I think it scared him some... I guess it was a pretty pointless conversation all in all, since we met once for lunch when he came back to the US and never spoke again, but it's just one of those conversations I hold on to when I need to remember what life was like at that point.
I have another conversation saved on my computer that I re-read every now and then from David Liberatore. We only talked online once ever, I think, during freshman year, but he always amazed me so much the way he wasn't afraid to be open or say anything. I think a lot of the straight people I've liked over the years felt guilty about not being able to like me in the same manner (Ben told me so on multiple occasions), and this really helped me get a lot closer to some of these people than I would have ever really expected. Ben even told me the biggest secret of his high school career all of one week into me knowing him. With David it always seemed so odd that he would want to associate with me, since he was one of the star jocks and hung out with all those people who I was afraid of. But we never ran short of things to talk about, whether it be him going on about how pathetic he thought everyone he was grouped together with was or us just being total nerds together. If this doesn't make you hang your head in shame, nothing will: we were seated next to one another for the AP Government test in the back of the room, and when we were done with the test, we used one of the graphs showing support for political parties, and competed to integrate the lines on the graphs to discover the area under the curves. Yeah... he was a closet nerd.
For the last 5 years there's nothing I've wanted more than to go back to my high school reunion and be refined into some mega-hot super-successful person, but ever since David's death (and Joey's to a lesser extent, only since he wasn't in my grade), I've always been afraid of being back here in Clarksville. I mean... I was totally gone on David. If anyone ever is bored enough to reread my junior and senior years of this journal, I constantly refer to David as ~ALOML~, which stood for Ah, love of my life. I know he and Ben are where I started setting up unreasonable expectations for myself that totally ruined my college years, but he was just so... awesome. I think my most favorite memory of him ever was when I was doing my independent study course on graphic design on the last day before Christmas break. Danielle had given me a Christmas mix cd she made me, and I was listening to that. The song One Headlight was playing and he randomly came in since he saw me from the hallway. We kinda made some small talk, but then we were just sitting there and the song was playing, and I felt so devastated, but so complete. Thank god he left the room not too long after, because the next song was What Is Love? and it was so ridiculously embarassing when that started blasting from the computer (even though I was all alone... I embarass myself too often). I only saw him two or three times since graduation, but his funeral was just so horrible for me. I dunno if I'm just being a masochist, but I've kept his funeral program in my car ever since.
Anyway, I also found an old LJ entry Allen typed about how much he was pissed at Lora and Scott for the whole Vicky/Nicki drama, which never got posted because they made up, followed by a huge AIM conversation Allen and Karl had about the whole crappy situation that Christmas. For some reason, rereading it now, it seems like Karl really wanted me to just apologize and he would be friends with me again. I think he was a lot more lonely than he let people know.
Ugh, too many words. I think I'll just go reread high school entries and see what's up.