It's 5.30... quitting time!!
Today's thought is:
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it, and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it: this is knowledge.
-- Confucius
How is it that we can hear so much better after we have worked our Steps? Does someone clean the wax out of our ears at night? We find ourselves able to listen to what people are actually saying, not just what we think they are saying. Our Program teaches us not to judge words before or after they are spoken. We leave judging to God. We try to learn from everybody, for each person we meet has knowledge.
Knowledge has become available to us as never before. We no longer fear new ideas and opinions which are not our own. Our recovery becomes deeper each moment we open our minds to new ideas.
Knowledge is freely offered. In turn, I keep myself growing and accepting the knowledge that comes my way. When I don't know something, I admit it. Knowing that I don’t' know is also knowledge.
*~*~*
These messages are so on time for me. I try to be very good at listening. Listening in the esoteric sense, I mean. I always want to understand what a person is trying to share, to understand where they are coming from, without judging them. I'm pretty successful at this, I think. But I fall short on the whole, 'humility' thing, which is what this message truly represents to me. I thought I understood what it was to have humility, but it occurs to me now that I am one prideful chick. I have not mastered the ability to 'hold' that I know something. It's hilarious, actually, because I spent a good deal of my teenaged years and early adult years telling Barb that she is a know it all, and resenting her for not giving me credit for having a brain of my own. Turns out, I do the exact same thing that she does.
See, the problem is my need to be recognized as a genius. It's an ego issue with me. Knowing stuff is my 'thing'; it's what I do. And it would be ok, I guess, if I had actually done something with the knowledge. Like, say, I dunno, obtained a degree? Written a book. Done SOMETHING constructive. Or maybe... maybe I mean, if I had some documented proof of my intelligence, I wouldn't be so quick to question myself all the time. But I know better than to believe this, don't I? I should know better anyway, but hey, now that I think about it, I have always wanted people to think that I'm smart. Ack. I hate to admit that, since I love to envision myself as a maverick who doesn't give a shit what other people think. But I'm nothing if not honest, and that is the unmitigated truth.
It goes back, of course, to my family. Ria hit on something today when she spoke about first dealing with family issues. So, my family is big on roles. Chris the Victim. Vivian the Bold. Lauretta the Prodigal. Diane the Queen. Barb the Emotional. Jawab the Loser. Wallace the Genius. Tracey the Thief. Ayesha the Talented. Cherry the Chef. Maulana the Entertainer.
I was the one who was supposed to be a star. I sang, I danced, I acted. I was famous for making the family smile. But, it was an empty fame, because I was uncomfortable on the stage. I mean, I was good at it. But it just wasn't me. I didn't want to be a clown, I didn't want to be watched, I wanted to be Maulana the Smart. So, to the disappointment of everyone, I exited stage right and embarked on a quest to be thought of as the down-to-earth one. The intelligent one. The go-to girl. It didn't work.
The family thought I'd lost my mind, actually. I'm having an epiphany here. This is why they don't know how to deal with me, now. To them, I rebelled, I defied them, and that was unforgivable. They were perfectly willing to accept me as a clown, but the minute I wanted to be taken seriously, they resented it. I suppose it's because the ruler of the kingdom had the family dynamic set up how she needed it, and when any of us stepped outside of our assigned roles, we fucked it all up.
So... I've been fighting dysfunction all this time. Trying to convince people who could care less that I am still a worthy member of this family, even if it is not in the role in which I was originally cast. More than that, I have been trying to convince myself, and failing, because, a part of me truly feels that if I am not performing, then I am nothing. How bizarre. This requires more reflection, cuz I'm just typing feelings out, without trying to analyze them, and I'm making no sense.
But, I think I'm on to something here.
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it, and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it: this is knowledge.
-- Confucius
How is it that we can hear so much better after we have worked our Steps? Does someone clean the wax out of our ears at night? We find ourselves able to listen to what people are actually saying, not just what we think they are saying. Our Program teaches us not to judge words before or after they are spoken. We leave judging to God. We try to learn from everybody, for each person we meet has knowledge.
Knowledge has become available to us as never before. We no longer fear new ideas and opinions which are not our own. Our recovery becomes deeper each moment we open our minds to new ideas.
Knowledge is freely offered. In turn, I keep myself growing and accepting the knowledge that comes my way. When I don't know something, I admit it. Knowing that I don’t' know is also knowledge.
*~*~*
These messages are so on time for me. I try to be very good at listening. Listening in the esoteric sense, I mean. I always want to understand what a person is trying to share, to understand where they are coming from, without judging them. I'm pretty successful at this, I think. But I fall short on the whole, 'humility' thing, which is what this message truly represents to me. I thought I understood what it was to have humility, but it occurs to me now that I am one prideful chick. I have not mastered the ability to 'hold' that I know something. It's hilarious, actually, because I spent a good deal of my teenaged years and early adult years telling Barb that she is a know it all, and resenting her for not giving me credit for having a brain of my own. Turns out, I do the exact same thing that she does.
See, the problem is my need to be recognized as a genius. It's an ego issue with me. Knowing stuff is my 'thing'; it's what I do. And it would be ok, I guess, if I had actually done something with the knowledge. Like, say, I dunno, obtained a degree? Written a book. Done SOMETHING constructive. Or maybe... maybe I mean, if I had some documented proof of my intelligence, I wouldn't be so quick to question myself all the time. But I know better than to believe this, don't I? I should know better anyway, but hey, now that I think about it, I have always wanted people to think that I'm smart. Ack. I hate to admit that, since I love to envision myself as a maverick who doesn't give a shit what other people think. But I'm nothing if not honest, and that is the unmitigated truth.
It goes back, of course, to my family. Ria hit on something today when she spoke about first dealing with family issues. So, my family is big on roles. Chris the Victim. Vivian the Bold. Lauretta the Prodigal. Diane the Queen. Barb the Emotional. Jawab the Loser. Wallace the Genius. Tracey the Thief. Ayesha the Talented. Cherry the Chef. Maulana the Entertainer.
I was the one who was supposed to be a star. I sang, I danced, I acted. I was famous for making the family smile. But, it was an empty fame, because I was uncomfortable on the stage. I mean, I was good at it. But it just wasn't me. I didn't want to be a clown, I didn't want to be watched, I wanted to be Maulana the Smart. So, to the disappointment of everyone, I exited stage right and embarked on a quest to be thought of as the down-to-earth one. The intelligent one. The go-to girl. It didn't work.
The family thought I'd lost my mind, actually. I'm having an epiphany here. This is why they don't know how to deal with me, now. To them, I rebelled, I defied them, and that was unforgivable. They were perfectly willing to accept me as a clown, but the minute I wanted to be taken seriously, they resented it. I suppose it's because the ruler of the kingdom had the family dynamic set up how she needed it, and when any of us stepped outside of our assigned roles, we fucked it all up.
So... I've been fighting dysfunction all this time. Trying to convince people who could care less that I am still a worthy member of this family, even if it is not in the role in which I was originally cast. More than that, I have been trying to convince myself, and failing, because, a part of me truly feels that if I am not performing, then I am nothing. How bizarre. This requires more reflection, cuz I'm just typing feelings out, without trying to analyze them, and I'm making no sense.
But, I think I'm on to something here.