(no subject)
"...the crime is done, i'd rather die here in your... screams of passion..."
how come i have all of this friggin music but can't find it when i need it. how hard can it be to put the dang cds back into their original cases after i'm done with them. apparently, very hard, because i am literally missing a good 1/3 of my music and i have no clue as to where it might be. annoyed = me.
i'm really mad, because my Maze featuring Frankie Beverly is gone. like poof. and Dave Brubeck too. and Michael's remix of "Blood on the Dance Floor". and my fucking copy of the remix of that thingee "I Ain't Never Scared" or whatever it's called. and i love that cd because it also has "Hit the Freeway" on it and something else i can't remember. and damn, i mean, how can a chick lose all of those cds? the day i lost "Girl 6" or Smokey's "Will You Still Love Me" should have opened the heavens or something in outrage. there should be something, something i tell you, to alert me the minute i walk away from a beloved cd. "Summer Madness" is gone! GONE!!! oh, but i bet you i still have that copy of Teena Marie that Meredith made me years ago. i bet you that shit is still around. how many times over the last years have i said i was gonna do the whole get organized in music thing? how hard can it be to get the friggin' cd sleeves and put the damned sleeves into a binder? not hard, i tell you. but apparently, impossible for me.
so ok, it's Monday and i'm tired and cranky. i keep saying that the solution is to just go digital. no scratched discs, no lost cases, no lost music... but i dunno. i'm a die hard. i still have tapes for God's sake, and albums, even though i've no turntable on which to listen to them. and i lost my 8-tracks, but if i hadn't, i'd still be playing those bad boys too. The Staples Singers in 8-track. none higher. and i miss Solar Radio. i miss it, ok?
Grandma had a seizure yesterday, which i guess could be a great contributing factor to the fact that i misplaced my serenity this morning. actually, i misplaced it yesterday morning, when we got the call at 9am. and a rolling off to the hospital we went, bad attitudes, thinly veiled resentments and festering wounds in tow. this poor woman. my Grandma. she can't catch a break. i mean, her body is literally breaking down on her, and it is impossible to hold any of her 50 doctors accountable to the fact that collectively, with their 1000's of medications, they are killing her. but she's a trooper, Sarah Adib is, and she was so tired and sweet yesterday, i didn't remember once that i don't even like her that much. no one should have to go through what she does.
Lauretta moves on to Dallas today, after sharing with us a weekend chock full of neurosis and self conscious Christianity. i know it's hard for her to have turned to the church, even in the face of our relaxed Islamic beliefs. i mean, nobody's going around quoting the Qu'ran every day, but all she has to do is mention her pastor and it's like she's dropped a bomb or something. and like, i'm no help at all. i'm always blaspheming in Jesus's name, and like, making some ridiculous joke or other about Christians. and, i know that i mean no harm and certainly no disrespect at all, but um.. yeah, i keep forgetting that people don't always know what's going on inside my head or my heart. so i come across as a smart ass bitch. i never realized how much i do that until this weekend. i should ease up on the sarcasm, the wise cracks. sometimes i feel badly, because it never occurs to me until it's too late that the things i say have the ability to hurt people. it's a shock to me, really, because i never thought people cared enough about what i thought to be hurt by anything i might have to say. but.. yeah, i need to start to watch my mouth.
but one thing i noticed about Auntie is that she's very tense. always tense. and she seems so tremendously unhappy, which is odd since she's been sober for almost 20 years and married to the coolest dick ever, and loved by many friends and stuff. but always, it comes back to how The Family perceives her. but i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. she might be the happiest chick in the world, and i could be projecting my own discord with 'those people' onto her.
those people. i wish i wish i wish i had more control over my emotions. i don't like the fact that i get so depressed around them. i am angry with myself, because i know better than to expose myself to that kind of toxicity for such a long period of time. but what the fuck was i supposed to do? and, plus, it shouldn't matter that they are sick. i am trying to be healthy; their dysfunction is separate from mine, and should have no effect on me at all. and yet... it does. so fuck it.
what is frightening is the knowledge that it will more than likely never get better. i am stuck. because my conscience will not allow for a total break with them, and unlike a friend or acquaintance who has pissed me off, i cannot/will not remove my family completely from my life. i want to! but i can't. not yet. maybe someday one day.
so now reality is looming large with regard to this move, and ok, ew. yeah, not looking forward to this at all. moving sucks. i am seriously going to purge as much of my personal things as possible. it's gotten easier over the years to release my tendency to pack rat. i've gotten (is 'gotten' a word? it shouldn't be) pretty good, actually, at keeping my junk to a minimum. but Barb... ah, this chick is another story. lucky for me, she loves the whole packing process so i prolly won't have that much to do but wish her well and laugh at her as she swims through her ubiquitous sea of paper.
i keep hoping to convince her to move into her own apartment. i really think it's time. she is leery of the expense, but.. honestly, we eventually need to separate at some point. we have agreed to take a one bed/one bath w/ den so that will kind of be incentive for her to do what she needs to do to buy her house within 6 months of getting there. but come on. i'm a realist. i know good and hell well that a life changing move like ATL, plus her starting school, and finding a job... yeah. her buying a house too is probably not in the cards for at least a few years. and it's not even about urgency at this point. it's just about logic. to me, it makes sense to break apart now. but hell. it's only my opinion.
and if i really felt that way.. well then, i'd be moving to Chicago, wouldn't i? oops.
i think we will prolly end up in the roommate plan again, and i'll just move into a smaller apartment when she moves out. it's hard to know what's right in this situation. a part of me wonders if we are truly co-dependent on each other, even though i know that we are not. should i insist that i want to live alone? it is most definitely what i want, but sometimes, it's not about being selfish. especially since we are moving across country and it will be friggin expensive and we are not rich as Croesus. it's not like i have a job already. she doesn't have one either. so duh, Lana. patience. gratitude.
i just need to take a chill pill.
how come i have all of this friggin music but can't find it when i need it. how hard can it be to put the dang cds back into their original cases after i'm done with them. apparently, very hard, because i am literally missing a good 1/3 of my music and i have no clue as to where it might be. annoyed = me.
i'm really mad, because my Maze featuring Frankie Beverly is gone. like poof. and Dave Brubeck too. and Michael's remix of "Blood on the Dance Floor". and my fucking copy of the remix of that thingee "I Ain't Never Scared" or whatever it's called. and i love that cd because it also has "Hit the Freeway" on it and something else i can't remember. and damn, i mean, how can a chick lose all of those cds? the day i lost "Girl 6" or Smokey's "Will You Still Love Me" should have opened the heavens or something in outrage. there should be something, something i tell you, to alert me the minute i walk away from a beloved cd. "Summer Madness" is gone! GONE!!! oh, but i bet you i still have that copy of Teena Marie that Meredith made me years ago. i bet you that shit is still around. how many times over the last years have i said i was gonna do the whole get organized in music thing? how hard can it be to get the friggin' cd sleeves and put the damned sleeves into a binder? not hard, i tell you. but apparently, impossible for me.
so ok, it's Monday and i'm tired and cranky. i keep saying that the solution is to just go digital. no scratched discs, no lost cases, no lost music... but i dunno. i'm a die hard. i still have tapes for God's sake, and albums, even though i've no turntable on which to listen to them. and i lost my 8-tracks, but if i hadn't, i'd still be playing those bad boys too. The Staples Singers in 8-track. none higher. and i miss Solar Radio. i miss it, ok?
Grandma had a seizure yesterday, which i guess could be a great contributing factor to the fact that i misplaced my serenity this morning. actually, i misplaced it yesterday morning, when we got the call at 9am. and a rolling off to the hospital we went, bad attitudes, thinly veiled resentments and festering wounds in tow. this poor woman. my Grandma. she can't catch a break. i mean, her body is literally breaking down on her, and it is impossible to hold any of her 50 doctors accountable to the fact that collectively, with their 1000's of medications, they are killing her. but she's a trooper, Sarah Adib is, and she was so tired and sweet yesterday, i didn't remember once that i don't even like her that much. no one should have to go through what she does.
Lauretta moves on to Dallas today, after sharing with us a weekend chock full of neurosis and self conscious Christianity. i know it's hard for her to have turned to the church, even in the face of our relaxed Islamic beliefs. i mean, nobody's going around quoting the Qu'ran every day, but all she has to do is mention her pastor and it's like she's dropped a bomb or something. and like, i'm no help at all. i'm always blaspheming in Jesus's name, and like, making some ridiculous joke or other about Christians. and, i know that i mean no harm and certainly no disrespect at all, but um.. yeah, i keep forgetting that people don't always know what's going on inside my head or my heart. so i come across as a smart ass bitch. i never realized how much i do that until this weekend. i should ease up on the sarcasm, the wise cracks. sometimes i feel badly, because it never occurs to me until it's too late that the things i say have the ability to hurt people. it's a shock to me, really, because i never thought people cared enough about what i thought to be hurt by anything i might have to say. but.. yeah, i need to start to watch my mouth.
but one thing i noticed about Auntie is that she's very tense. always tense. and she seems so tremendously unhappy, which is odd since she's been sober for almost 20 years and married to the coolest dick ever, and loved by many friends and stuff. but always, it comes back to how The Family perceives her. but i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. she might be the happiest chick in the world, and i could be projecting my own discord with 'those people' onto her.
those people. i wish i wish i wish i had more control over my emotions. i don't like the fact that i get so depressed around them. i am angry with myself, because i know better than to expose myself to that kind of toxicity for such a long period of time. but what the fuck was i supposed to do? and, plus, it shouldn't matter that they are sick. i am trying to be healthy; their dysfunction is separate from mine, and should have no effect on me at all. and yet... it does. so fuck it.
what is frightening is the knowledge that it will more than likely never get better. i am stuck. because my conscience will not allow for a total break with them, and unlike a friend or acquaintance who has pissed me off, i cannot/will not remove my family completely from my life. i want to! but i can't. not yet. maybe someday one day.
so now reality is looming large with regard to this move, and ok, ew. yeah, not looking forward to this at all. moving sucks. i am seriously going to purge as much of my personal things as possible. it's gotten easier over the years to release my tendency to pack rat. i've gotten (is 'gotten' a word? it shouldn't be) pretty good, actually, at keeping my junk to a minimum. but Barb... ah, this chick is another story. lucky for me, she loves the whole packing process so i prolly won't have that much to do but wish her well and laugh at her as she swims through her ubiquitous sea of paper.
i keep hoping to convince her to move into her own apartment. i really think it's time. she is leery of the expense, but.. honestly, we eventually need to separate at some point. we have agreed to take a one bed/one bath w/ den so that will kind of be incentive for her to do what she needs to do to buy her house within 6 months of getting there. but come on. i'm a realist. i know good and hell well that a life changing move like ATL, plus her starting school, and finding a job... yeah. her buying a house too is probably not in the cards for at least a few years. and it's not even about urgency at this point. it's just about logic. to me, it makes sense to break apart now. but hell. it's only my opinion.
and if i really felt that way.. well then, i'd be moving to Chicago, wouldn't i? oops.
i think we will prolly end up in the roommate plan again, and i'll just move into a smaller apartment when she moves out. it's hard to know what's right in this situation. a part of me wonders if we are truly co-dependent on each other, even though i know that we are not. should i insist that i want to live alone? it is most definitely what i want, but sometimes, it's not about being selfish. especially since we are moving across country and it will be friggin expensive and we are not rich as Croesus. it's not like i have a job already. she doesn't have one either. so duh, Lana. patience. gratitude.
i just need to take a chill pill.