(no subject)
What Matters
it is amazing to me, that almost as soon as i become re-aware of myself and my spiritual and emotional progress (or regress), things begin to happen which reinforce my belief that i'm on the right path. sometimes i get confused by focusing on myself so much. i wonder if it doesn't make me self centered, make my vision myopic. but no. i need to be self focused. i need it. because when i become outer focused, i start comparing myself to other people, judging myself based on other people's standards, finding myself lacking because i usually fall far short. suddenly life doesn't make any sense to me. i start feeling isolated and angry, frustrated. and then my entire attitude changes, and before i know it, i've become a Maulana i no longer understand. i start performing, playing a role, trying to be the person that everyone likes, that everyone remembers. but none of that makes sense, if i can't even like or remember myself.
i've been feeling uncomfortable with me for a while now, but it was this past Wednesday, i think, when i finally understood what was bothering me. i was watching the Grammys, and harsh remark after harsh remark kept flying from my mouth. the performances, for the most part, were electrifying, i mean, the music was really really good. Madonna, Carey, freaking Sly Stone & Patrice Rushen, & Randy Jackson? Madness! still, all i could do was find the most unkind thing i could think of, and say it. it was driving me crazy.
i had a LJ conversation with chrissstopher a while ago about Michael. i'd made the comment that Michael's self awareness and courage were two of the qualities i admired most about him, and chrissstopher wondered how those things did Michael any good when he can't seem to keep himself out of trouble. i was stumped for a while. i let it go. but i know the answer, now, Kel. and i was wrong. the quality i admire most about Michael, and have always admired about him, and others like him, is the fact that Michael is unfailingly kind. and almost heartbreakingly generous. to me, Michael's spirit far outshines any judgment i could ever make on the choices he makes in his life. he is kind, despite the backlash he gets for it, he remains that way. my Mother is like that. Mother Theresa was like that. Bishop Desmond Tutu is like that. Jesus was like that. and those are the people that i most want to emulate.
the ability to be kind. nothing greater, if you ask me. and it's so funny how connected Mom & me are. as soon as i said i wanted to get re-focused, she knew exactly what i meant. it's time for both of us to come back to ourselves. and the universe agrees, because we talked about it all last night, and then, this morning, i came in to Michael Josephson's weekly commentary. Michael's Ideas on Kindness usually, i don't agree with Michael's commentaries, or can find very little use for them, but reading this issue was like getting a head nod from God or something. i feel at peace today, for the first time in what, a year? my soul is breathing again. i remember saying, when we first moved from Wallace's and into our new apartment, that i would have to get hard again, go on the offensive, be ready for anything, because my neighborhood seems predatory and i feel extremely vulnerable there. but i was wrong. i don't have to be hard. not at all. last night, i released myself from that, and the relief is positively incredible. so yay. i'm back!
What REALLY Matters
so yesterday, Maisha & i are dishing about the new guy JB, and, almost as if we had summoned him, suddenly he was in my office.
"whoa, nelly!" i said. "your ears must have been burning, ha. we were just talking about you."
"oh yeah?" JB was cautious. "was it good?"
"sure," Maisha told him. "just wanted to know how long you've been in Cali."
"oh, that's easy. three months."
"and where are you from?" i asked.
"Indiana. Gary, Indiana."
love it! love the shoes, love the bag, LOVE IT! what's more, he graduated from Emerson. 3 years after i did. we squealed at each other for about an hour. he hugged me like a long lost cousin. twice. hello, new crush! AND! the best part! seriously, this is what really has me floored, Timmy Lockett is here, too! he just moved like, a month ago, and apparently, he's been modeling for the last couple of years and now wants to get into acting. TIMMY! my Timmy! i'm boggled, that's what i am. "it's just Tim, now," he told me, sounding all man-like and yummy. "nobody calls me Timmy except my acting classmates and white people." heh. Timmy was 6'0 when we graduated high school. apparently, he's grown 5 inches in the eleven years since.
"a model, Timmy?"
"i know, i know, but it's true! i'ma have to break out all my stuff for you, i've done some things here and there. had an ad in Vibe, did a commercial or two."
"get out of here!"
"you know, people keep saying that. i still look the same to me, you know? but everybody says i don't, like they think i look better now or something. but damn, i always thought i was cute in high school. c'mon, i was cute, right? right?"
love it. i especially love the fact that he called me at 4.30 this morning, all suspicious like. he didn't even remember me at first!
"you called here looking for Tim?"
"nope. i called looking for Timmy."
"...Timmy? who the hell is this? nobody knows me by Timmy."
"i went to high school with you."
"high school! man that was 11 years ago! how'm i supposed to remember that far back. what's your name?"
"Maulana."
"Tawana? Tawana... Tawana... who'd you hang with?"
"please. i said Maulana. i'll give you a second or two for your brain to catch up. i mean, there were only 52 people in the fucking class, Timmy."
"...Tawana Tawa-"
"boy! i said MAH-LAH-NAH. Tawana. good grief."
"Maulana?! oh man, yeah yeah. that's sexy! i remember you! the quiet one!"
uh huh. that fool don't remember me from Adam. although, compared to him, i guess i was quiet. who knows, who cares! i don't! i can't believe he's acting now. Timmy was an Art major, i think. so bizarre. and JB was an Art major who switched to Drama. JB says that Mr. Herr finally finally FINALLY did The Wiz. so mad! i begged for four years for both The Wiz & The Color Purple. JB says they blew it out, and i'm sure they did. hopefully, since the Color Purple is actually a play now, they'll get to do that too. yay for perseverance!
OH. AND Lenee Adkins is here! apparently, she's done pretty well for herself, too. she was a dancer on ComicView, and JB is pretty convinced that she's somewhere on "Magic Johnson's payroll". no idea what he meant by that, but it didn't seem to be a good thing, the way he said it. JB was not too impressed with Lenee. "she's... standoffish." well duh. she always was. she was what, two years ahead of me, and a pretty big deal at Emerson, one of the best dancers we had. i don't recall her ever having time for the little people. why change now. go with what works.
but oh goodness, it's an Emerson revival! who is more excited than me right now? NOBODY, that's who.
it is amazing to me, that almost as soon as i become re-aware of myself and my spiritual and emotional progress (or regress), things begin to happen which reinforce my belief that i'm on the right path. sometimes i get confused by focusing on myself so much. i wonder if it doesn't make me self centered, make my vision myopic. but no. i need to be self focused. i need it. because when i become outer focused, i start comparing myself to other people, judging myself based on other people's standards, finding myself lacking because i usually fall far short. suddenly life doesn't make any sense to me. i start feeling isolated and angry, frustrated. and then my entire attitude changes, and before i know it, i've become a Maulana i no longer understand. i start performing, playing a role, trying to be the person that everyone likes, that everyone remembers. but none of that makes sense, if i can't even like or remember myself.
i've been feeling uncomfortable with me for a while now, but it was this past Wednesday, i think, when i finally understood what was bothering me. i was watching the Grammys, and harsh remark after harsh remark kept flying from my mouth. the performances, for the most part, were electrifying, i mean, the music was really really good. Madonna, Carey, freaking Sly Stone & Patrice Rushen, & Randy Jackson? Madness! still, all i could do was find the most unkind thing i could think of, and say it. it was driving me crazy.
i had a LJ conversation with chrissstopher a while ago about Michael. i'd made the comment that Michael's self awareness and courage were two of the qualities i admired most about him, and chrissstopher wondered how those things did Michael any good when he can't seem to keep himself out of trouble. i was stumped for a while. i let it go. but i know the answer, now, Kel. and i was wrong. the quality i admire most about Michael, and have always admired about him, and others like him, is the fact that Michael is unfailingly kind. and almost heartbreakingly generous. to me, Michael's spirit far outshines any judgment i could ever make on the choices he makes in his life. he is kind, despite the backlash he gets for it, he remains that way. my Mother is like that. Mother Theresa was like that. Bishop Desmond Tutu is like that. Jesus was like that. and those are the people that i most want to emulate.
the ability to be kind. nothing greater, if you ask me. and it's so funny how connected Mom & me are. as soon as i said i wanted to get re-focused, she knew exactly what i meant. it's time for both of us to come back to ourselves. and the universe agrees, because we talked about it all last night, and then, this morning, i came in to Michael Josephson's weekly commentary. Michael's Ideas on Kindness usually, i don't agree with Michael's commentaries, or can find very little use for them, but reading this issue was like getting a head nod from God or something. i feel at peace today, for the first time in what, a year? my soul is breathing again. i remember saying, when we first moved from Wallace's and into our new apartment, that i would have to get hard again, go on the offensive, be ready for anything, because my neighborhood seems predatory and i feel extremely vulnerable there. but i was wrong. i don't have to be hard. not at all. last night, i released myself from that, and the relief is positively incredible. so yay. i'm back!
What REALLY Matters
so yesterday, Maisha & i are dishing about the new guy JB, and, almost as if we had summoned him, suddenly he was in my office.
"whoa, nelly!" i said. "your ears must have been burning, ha. we were just talking about you."
"oh yeah?" JB was cautious. "was it good?"
"sure," Maisha told him. "just wanted to know how long you've been in Cali."
"oh, that's easy. three months."
"and where are you from?" i asked.
"Indiana. Gary, Indiana."
love it! love the shoes, love the bag, LOVE IT! what's more, he graduated from Emerson. 3 years after i did. we squealed at each other for about an hour. he hugged me like a long lost cousin. twice. hello, new crush! AND! the best part! seriously, this is what really has me floored, Timmy Lockett is here, too! he just moved like, a month ago, and apparently, he's been modeling for the last couple of years and now wants to get into acting. TIMMY! my Timmy! i'm boggled, that's what i am. "it's just Tim, now," he told me, sounding all man-like and yummy. "nobody calls me Timmy except my acting classmates and white people." heh. Timmy was 6'0 when we graduated high school. apparently, he's grown 5 inches in the eleven years since.
"a model, Timmy?"
"i know, i know, but it's true! i'ma have to break out all my stuff for you, i've done some things here and there. had an ad in Vibe, did a commercial or two."
"get out of here!"
"you know, people keep saying that. i still look the same to me, you know? but everybody says i don't, like they think i look better now or something. but damn, i always thought i was cute in high school. c'mon, i was cute, right? right?"
love it. i especially love the fact that he called me at 4.30 this morning, all suspicious like. he didn't even remember me at first!
"you called here looking for Tim?"
"nope. i called looking for Timmy."
"...Timmy? who the hell is this? nobody knows me by Timmy."
"i went to high school with you."
"high school! man that was 11 years ago! how'm i supposed to remember that far back. what's your name?"
"Maulana."
"Tawana? Tawana... Tawana... who'd you hang with?"
"please. i said Maulana. i'll give you a second or two for your brain to catch up. i mean, there were only 52 people in the fucking class, Timmy."
"...Tawana Tawa-"
"boy! i said MAH-LAH-NAH. Tawana. good grief."
"Maulana?! oh man, yeah yeah. that's sexy! i remember you! the quiet one!"
uh huh. that fool don't remember me from Adam. although, compared to him, i guess i was quiet. who knows, who cares! i don't! i can't believe he's acting now. Timmy was an Art major, i think. so bizarre. and JB was an Art major who switched to Drama. JB says that Mr. Herr finally finally FINALLY did The Wiz. so mad! i begged for four years for both The Wiz & The Color Purple. JB says they blew it out, and i'm sure they did. hopefully, since the Color Purple is actually a play now, they'll get to do that too. yay for perseverance!
OH. AND Lenee Adkins is here! apparently, she's done pretty well for herself, too. she was a dancer on ComicView, and JB is pretty convinced that she's somewhere on "Magic Johnson's payroll". no idea what he meant by that, but it didn't seem to be a good thing, the way he said it. JB was not too impressed with Lenee. "she's... standoffish." well duh. she always was. she was what, two years ahead of me, and a pretty big deal at Emerson, one of the best dancers we had. i don't recall her ever having time for the little people. why change now. go with what works.
but oh goodness, it's an Emerson revival! who is more excited than me right now? NOBODY, that's who.