That Calming Despair
/Sigh
These days have been strange. I wish I wasn't so...lost in my thoughts all the time. I wish I didn't feel so distracted from my goals by my simple desires. These last few months have been especially interesting, yet I find myself remembering so little of it. I've felt the highs of experiencing new and wondrous moments and modes of behavior I have only seen from afar. I have been fortunate enough to meet new people, mostly younger people. Too bad they didn't seem to stick. Such is life, I suppose.
I've been fairly fixated on personal growth for sometime now. Not that I'm a fanatic about it in practice, but I do feel like it's something that should always be kept in mind. Most people seem to just do on a whim, and while there is some amazing awe-inspiring thrill that comes with unplanned things working out super smoothly and while it gives the impression that all the chips have fallen into place naturally or giving the appearance that this particular moment was fated, that is not probable for most people, including me. Most of the time what happens is merely a result that came about due to poor planning or recklessness. I see it all the time. And, what people are left with is not what they desired. Like it was a mere circumstance of their actions...like unplanned pregnancy, health problems, shitty jobs, or legal issues. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be caught off guard by the consequences of my actions. I would really love my actions, intentions, and mentality to all come together and align.
For instance, why the fuck do I not work in a lab? I am competent, and I have the degrees. All that's lacking is some experience and the proper motivation. I'm sure that my salary would be sufficient after a few years, if that long, to provide me with access to all those frivolous material creature comforts and more importantly the means to provide for my family...should I ever find someone :/
So I know what I want, and I feel like I have set myself up for it pretty well. I'm healthy (and I eat healthy), and except for abs I'm starting to show some REAL muscle, my teeth aren't fucked up, and I'm a handsome man (I guess). I have two Baccalaureate Degrees from an accredited University. I'm living on my own (Sorta, my father living WITH me kinda complicates that notion. But nevertheless, I am my own man!). I have good credit, and pay my bills on time. I have a clean record. I don't have any children or STDs. Other than beautiful women making me all mush-minded I am a sociable people person. All I'm missing is the $15-20+/hr career and a lovely woman.
And, even when it comes to women I know what I'm looking for...I'm looking for a girl like Diana, Kasey, and my cousins. Before anything else, she has to be clean cut: not much experience with sex or drugs. With some understanding of what it means to be gentlemanly and lady-like (ie to have class). So, NO KIDS! No premade families please! Everything else will fall into place, and is somewhat up-in-the-air and I am flexible -or- willing to compromise. I would seriously prefer gentle, independent, and non-religious -or- spiritual, but I'm not gonna let it be a deal breaker. Gamer chick background would be great, but eh...Also, I have to be physically attracted to them...ie no fat chicks! Sorry, just can't do it.
Aside: I think that's what made me take rejection from D. and Kaseyface so hard. I haven't met many girls that fit that criteria...and these girls DID! Maybe we were too different to be truly compatible, but I seriously doubt it. Maybe they fit my checklist, but I didn't fit theirs. Which is extremely devastating, even if it moment was short lived. I still miss them. But, it happens. I think I've experienced the reverse several times in my life as well. So, oh well...subtly or blatantly rejecting those that desire me while I feel nothing for them makes me feel...nothing.
So as the distance from my last heart throb grows, I feel my aching heart subside. The pain has dulled and will fade soon enough. Leaving me with this familiar soothing apathy. I can already see my motivation wavering like it always has. My expectations lowering to that simple unfulfilled standard once again. Personal progress has slowed, and all I'm left with is that...calm...quite...boring despair.
"Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone"
The stupid thing is though...when I FINALLY meet someone I'm attracted AND THEY RECIPROCATE, I get super focused and motivated. Like my desire for them and their (perceived) desire for me fills me with all the confidence I'd ever need to pave the way to my/our success.
Yet, here I stand. All alone. Always alone. Only now, it's not (completely) by choice.
These days have been strange. I wish I wasn't so...lost in my thoughts all the time. I wish I didn't feel so distracted from my goals by my simple desires. These last few months have been especially interesting, yet I find myself remembering so little of it. I've felt the highs of experiencing new and wondrous moments and modes of behavior I have only seen from afar. I have been fortunate enough to meet new people, mostly younger people. Too bad they didn't seem to stick. Such is life, I suppose.
I've been fairly fixated on personal growth for sometime now. Not that I'm a fanatic about it in practice, but I do feel like it's something that should always be kept in mind. Most people seem to just do on a whim, and while there is some amazing awe-inspiring thrill that comes with unplanned things working out super smoothly and while it gives the impression that all the chips have fallen into place naturally or giving the appearance that this particular moment was fated, that is not probable for most people, including me. Most of the time what happens is merely a result that came about due to poor planning or recklessness. I see it all the time. And, what people are left with is not what they desired. Like it was a mere circumstance of their actions...like unplanned pregnancy, health problems, shitty jobs, or legal issues. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be caught off guard by the consequences of my actions. I would really love my actions, intentions, and mentality to all come together and align.
For instance, why the fuck do I not work in a lab? I am competent, and I have the degrees. All that's lacking is some experience and the proper motivation. I'm sure that my salary would be sufficient after a few years, if that long, to provide me with access to all those frivolous material creature comforts and more importantly the means to provide for my family...should I ever find someone :/
So I know what I want, and I feel like I have set myself up for it pretty well. I'm healthy (and I eat healthy), and except for abs I'm starting to show some REAL muscle, my teeth aren't fucked up, and I'm a handsome man (I guess). I have two Baccalaureate Degrees from an accredited University. I'm living on my own (Sorta, my father living WITH me kinda complicates that notion. But nevertheless, I am my own man!). I have good credit, and pay my bills on time. I have a clean record. I don't have any children or STDs. Other than beautiful women making me all mush-minded I am a sociable people person. All I'm missing is the $15-20+/hr career and a lovely woman.
And, even when it comes to women I know what I'm looking for...I'm looking for a girl like Diana, Kasey, and my cousins. Before anything else, she has to be clean cut: not much experience with sex or drugs. With some understanding of what it means to be gentlemanly and lady-like (ie to have class). So, NO KIDS! No premade families please! Everything else will fall into place, and is somewhat up-in-the-air and I am flexible -or- willing to compromise. I would seriously prefer gentle, independent, and non-religious -or- spiritual, but I'm not gonna let it be a deal breaker. Gamer chick background would be great, but eh...Also, I have to be physically attracted to them...ie no fat chicks! Sorry, just can't do it.
Aside: I think that's what made me take rejection from D. and Kaseyface so hard. I haven't met many girls that fit that criteria...and these girls DID! Maybe we were too different to be truly compatible, but I seriously doubt it. Maybe they fit my checklist, but I didn't fit theirs. Which is extremely devastating, even if it moment was short lived. I still miss them. But, it happens. I think I've experienced the reverse several times in my life as well. So, oh well...subtly or blatantly rejecting those that desire me while I feel nothing for them makes me feel...nothing.
So as the distance from my last heart throb grows, I feel my aching heart subside. The pain has dulled and will fade soon enough. Leaving me with this familiar soothing apathy. I can already see my motivation wavering like it always has. My expectations lowering to that simple unfulfilled standard once again. Personal progress has slowed, and all I'm left with is that...calm...quite...boring despair.
"Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone"
The stupid thing is though...when I FINALLY meet someone I'm attracted AND THEY RECIPROCATE, I get super focused and motivated. Like my desire for them and their (perceived) desire for me fills me with all the confidence I'd ever need to pave the way to my/our success.
Yet, here I stand. All alone. Always alone. Only now, it's not (completely) by choice.