(no subject)
It's late and dark and I'm listening to Larsen and it's making me think. Thinking is something I do a lot. It's something that I love but it's something that makes me feel all tense and choked up. I have the worst time expressing myself. The hardest for me is writing. It's the fucking hardest thing ever. As I type this I keep looking at it and wanting to delete it all and wanting to just close this tab and just not do it.
I'm trying really hard not to. This is a "step" maybe. This is a test. I don't know.
I think so many things all at once. I think and I think. But when I try to make those something tangible to speak or write... it's like masturbating and never being able to orgasm. It feels great, but like... it can get awfully frustrating not getting the release. It's all there. It's right goddamn there. But it just never comes out.
It effects everything. It scares me so fucking much. I feel like shit trying to write a resume. I struggle even at work explaining things that seem so goddamn simple in my head. More importantly, it makes it so hard to tell Jessica, or other friends, how I feel. Why I feel the way I do. Why things are so passionate to me. It keeps me from trying to learn to make music, which is something I've wanted to do since I was 10, and even more now as my appreciation for it continues to grow in ways I never knew possible.
Yet here I fucking sit. Writing on LiveJournal. I'm getting panicky about how to end this. And this is just a stupid little thing. Some bits and bytes. How many people will read it? But I'm so scared. It's like I'm trying so hard to build towards some fucking climax. But why? This is mostly for me. But I'm worried about you. Your perception. And generally that's something I try not to get hung up on.
Yet here I fucking sit. Listening to Larsen. Struggling.
Fuck it. I'm just hitting post.
I'm trying really hard not to. This is a "step" maybe. This is a test. I don't know.
I think so many things all at once. I think and I think. But when I try to make those something tangible to speak or write... it's like masturbating and never being able to orgasm. It feels great, but like... it can get awfully frustrating not getting the release. It's all there. It's right goddamn there. But it just never comes out.
It effects everything. It scares me so fucking much. I feel like shit trying to write a resume. I struggle even at work explaining things that seem so goddamn simple in my head. More importantly, it makes it so hard to tell Jessica, or other friends, how I feel. Why I feel the way I do. Why things are so passionate to me. It keeps me from trying to learn to make music, which is something I've wanted to do since I was 10, and even more now as my appreciation for it continues to grow in ways I never knew possible.
Yet here I fucking sit. Writing on LiveJournal. I'm getting panicky about how to end this. And this is just a stupid little thing. Some bits and bytes. How many people will read it? But I'm so scared. It's like I'm trying so hard to build towards some fucking climax. But why? This is mostly for me. But I'm worried about you. Your perception. And generally that's something I try not to get hung up on.
Yet here I fucking sit. Listening to Larsen. Struggling.
Fuck it. I'm just hitting post.