(no subject)
I read Chantal's and Amy's, and now I guess it's my turn.
I can't make any garauntees on doing #3, but I'll try... cause I'm supposed to. :D
1) List 20-ish things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
Peoples:
1: Most people probably assume you'd be the first on my list... I just don't get it, y'know? You think *wow... 11 months, how can anything go wrong?* and then it does. We fought... alot. To the point where I was sick of it. Then, being my old needy self, I ended up making things worse and worse until you couldn't even look at me. I was angry for a reeeeaaally long time, y'know? Now, 7 months later, I'm looking back, and although it still kinda hurts ("The first cut is the deepest" after all), I realize something. Thanks to me being a dumbass, and you quite honestly, being somewhat of a bitch... I've learnt things about myself, I've become more courageous, I've grown SO much, and it all started thanks to you. I still have two of your pictures. The biggest one, and "Lamar and Angel" together, the rest I kinda went berserk on. I'm gonna keep them though, unless you want them back cause I know they'll be worth something someday (and then: BRING ON E-BAY!!!)
Anyway, Maybe you'll never hear it, or maybe I will go through with my idea that I promised myself I would, but either way: You hurt me ALOT...and thank you SO much for doing that. I wish you the best of luck with all the other guys you ever meet, and... hope that you gained something from us too, K?
And PS: Also something I'll never think to say or want to say cause that'd require getting close to you again but... I want my book, and Star Wars game back. I think they're still at your house, somewhere...
2: I guess, logically, you'd probably be second in line. Honestly: I've never went as far with anyone as I did with you, and you knew it too. I thought things were going great, I even made one of my stupid plans too! We'd stay together and then after Express, I'd drive from Regina to S'toon every weekend and visit. I guess things kinda got messed up eh? Honestly: I still wanna yell at you, but it really won't accomplish anything so why bother? You did really pick a dumb, assholic way to do it though. For all the other guys you meet in your future lemme give you this piece of advice: If you're gonna break up with someone, don't be a chicken about it, trust your feelings and just do it rather than torturing them longer than they need to feel, K? Please tell me you'll remember that?!?!
3: Man, you were my first ever "Best Friend" since Grade 3, and although we're virtually never around eachother anymore, I'll always consider you that. Lately we've really been drifting apart though, and I think it's mostly my fault (aside from a couple other obvious things that is). I'm moving in an extremely different direction than you in so many different ways... I hope we can still find time to Jam every now and then, and always keep in touch (even if I get lucky enough to get on a Cruise ship, I'll find you somehow!) and keep in mind: one of these days I'll pull a scare so good that it'll pay back every single one I owe you, and then some, so watch your back!!!
4: I really don't get you. I mean, when it's just us, you're often one of the greatest friends to be with, but when we're in public, or around different people... you can really be a bit of a bitch sometimes, y'know? I know, I'm not exactly perfect myself, but... you just seem to have so many prejudices against different people without even giving them a chance usually, you don't seem to care about anything really, and you never try at things when EVERYONE knows that you want most of the time!!! I do still try every now and again to get us together for a good time... but it's really getting harder, so if you could make it easier somehow? Anyway..? Cause I'm gonna be gone soon, no matter how much you might wanna fight it. If I make it into winter Express, I'm pretty much Dead to the world of Moose Jaw... I hope you don't stay angry at me forever cause I'm following my dreams, kay?
5: I'll see you in Regina soon enough, I'm positive. We'll compare facial hair! (maybe I'll even be catching up by the time I see you?) Lol. No really, you kept band, choir, and most of the musical things we did with a group sane, especially when I was trying to keep my mind off of #1. The best part is you probably didn't even know it! We're both pursuing the Musical side of life, but we're taking different roads. That's why I think someday we should come together, get Help from #3, and start a SUPER BAND!!!!!! Whadd'ya say? We could do it! We'd have a Percussionist/Singer-Tenor/Saxophonist, a Trumpeteer/Singer-Bass/Clarinetist, and A Rock Guitar/Singer-Scremo -ist? *I dunno what to call Matt, heh* But now, you rock, and although We disagree on alot of "inner" issues, you're still a great friend to hang out with!
6: K, you barely even know I existed but that's ok cause you're still next on my list. I looked up to you for the 4 or so years that I knew you when it came to everything musical. You were famous in the school, loved by everyone, and so you didn't even notice me. Either that, or you had a Master plan and harboring a little kid like myself would'a just got in your way. Either way, I really shouldn't have looked up to you like I did. I've realized that I have talent on my own over the last year, and I don't need a "role model" like yourself to make me who I am. Besides, I heard you got into some reeally bad shit, so I'm kinda happy I dodged that bullet now.
7: I definately need to put you on this list too, cause there's things I've wanted to say over the past 17 years, but witheld soooo many times cause I was afraid. For starters: I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE, in case haven't noticed. You tell me all the time "I'm so proud of you" this that and the other thing, and that's great and all but what have you done but cause groaning in me? I know, I don't make life any better for you than you do for me, but REALLY... >.< You gave birth to me, and somehow you seem to think you can control my every day? You think you can give me rules, and then disobey them yourself, you can tell me to come to you with a problem and when I do you barely try to help because you "don't really understand", you can slowly kill me, destroy my voice (the only thing I've really got going for me right now), and poison my future and quite likely my kids with your smoking addiction and then complain to me that "it's hard to quit" ? Maybe you shouldn't have fucking started, hmm? For that matter, maybe you should've avoided having sex with someone way older than you when you were so young, things could've been SOOOO much better for you then and best of all for you: I wouldn't even exist! Would that make your life better, hmm?
8: K... calming down now, talk about someone good. How about you? Honestly, when I first met you I thought you were an absolutely -horrible- singer. I kinda judged you by that fact for the longest time and refused to become friends with you because you sounded horrible, you were completely egotistical and grossly promiscous (sp?). Man... did I ever miss out. I've gotten to know you alot better lately, and you're not egotistical at all, you're actually extremely against alot of the things you were into last year, and I'm actually really starting to like your voice too! So here's to our Jedi Saber fights: T-TEAM FOREVER!!!
9: Guess who's next!!! Lol. You were my first love (yeah, there actually was someone before #1), and I really thought we could hit it off. Damn... maybe if I wasn't so shy around you back then, things'd be different. Life goes on though, and "with it I must ride" (Can't remember what that's a quote of). On the same side though, things are actually pretty good for us. I dunno if you know it or not but... when you were in the hospital and I was on the rebound >.< you were that lucky person... I tried to visit you as much as possible, and even left you a "thimble of my Love" for you. *Yeah, it was funny, but it had an inner meaning too...* Things change though. It's cool to have a girl that I can just be silly with finally, and not be way too overly attracted to (don't take that the wrong way though, K?). But Damnit, stop stealing my ties! And where the hell did you put my tape? I still haven't found it... >.<
10: I don't think you'll ever guess who you are by reading this, but I'm writing it no matter what. You really are... something. >.< I mean, you're an awesome friend when you want to be, but when you're just a little annoyed with someone, you escalate it to so much higher elevations! It kinda pushed me away after awhile, cause if I keep going the direction that I'm going, I'm scared you'll get jealous and blacklist me from your life anyway, like you have with other people. Don't get me wrong; it's really fun to be around you, when you actually want to be around. You gotta realize though that sometimes... life doesn't always go your way, and some of those times you just hafta take it too. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news there li'l buddy... but it's just the way it is...
11: I'm sorry. Really I am I just... never felt the same way. I actually do Love you, just... not that way! I mean, you're an awesome friend, and I love how happy you make most people around you but... you're just not for me. I know I'm not always there for you like you've probably wanted me to be sometimes, for the longest time I actually kinda avoided you so that 1: You'd get over me, and 2: Cause... you seemed to be having fun with #1 and I wasn't about to go anywhere near her ever again at the time, but I do still think you're an awesome person. I know you've gone through alotta shit in your life, and you're really an emotional person (I can totally connect on the second one too), but just keep looking to the future, k? You got a spark or... something, that no one can ever kill. Try a bunch of different things, from religion, to jobs, to personal hobbies! You'll find your path: I promise, just never quit!
12: Hey you, Mrs. Teacher you. I bet no one was expecting you to be in here, but really you've made a big impact on my life and I'mma gonna tell you how in my own way. You know, for the first little while I truly thought you hated me. I dunno why, I just had it in my head that you were only for the people who were "popular" and definately couldn't be bothered with a low-down student like myself. Then I got into your faveourite class, and I learned that you, and alot of my peers, weren't against me as much as I thought they all were. I learned that you do have a bit of an edge to your voice often, and can actually be quite manipulating, but that's not caused by any negative feelings towards anyone, it's just the way you are. You taught me alot of what I know when it comes to my performing career, and I'm definately gonna attribute alot of my life to you, so thank you for all your hard work, and tough teacher love.
13: You know, you think you know somebody, then the turn out to be completely different from the person you thought they were for so long... this isn't actually a bad one though, before ya'll get worried. I always thought you were just the little addition to my life that I would always have fun with. I guess you're growing up now. You joined me in schooling for one last year, and I got to know you again. At the risk of sounding like our parents, you're actually turning into quite a lady (as much as I cringe to admit it). I always knew you as one of the "guys" actually, in fact your ahead of me by miles when it comes to alot of things considered "guyish." I hope we can still have fun, and I hope you have the guts someday to ask that special guy out on a date. Don't be so afraid of guys, they're not ALL horny disgusting pervo-assholes.
14: You've made alotta bad choices buddy. I dunno why you did half the things you've done, taken the path you're taking, but I hope it's actually doing something for you although you tell me it isn't. You know why? Cause you're in a rut (you should've listened in Ethics, you might've learnt something). You've become so used to all the bad things that you yourself know you're against, that you just keep them going. I'll always be there for you, if you need someone to hang out with that isn't overly-sexual or a horrible druggie, but please, do whatever it takes to get out of your ruts! You're a good friend, I don't wanna lose you to an STD, drug-overdose, or alcoholism!
15: K, I know you're always looking out for your team, your troupe, your "family", but you really hafta pay more attention to what's going on inside of it before you make decisions. I've heard stories about you, and although I don't know you that well personally, I've had my own few confrontations between I few things. I know I'm not perfect, but if you want to encourage me on, and maybe work on making your show all you want it to be, you could actually come and watch a few things rather than go out buying clothes, and caring about the less-important things. A show is about the performers and their talents, not what they're wearing!
16: Why don't you use LJ anymore? I barely talk to you! We used to be eachother's shoulders, even though we never once met face to face! I guess college makes it hard for you to talk, especially when it's across nationalistic borders, but :( ... I miss you! Make sure you update your LJ sometime, or something K?!?!?!
17: *Meow meow meeeow meow mmmeeooow meow meow meow meow-meow. Meow meow-meow-meow, meeeow, meow, (mmmeeooow meow), meow... meow meow-meow meow meow meow-meow meow meeow meeeeeeoooow meow meow meooow meow. Meeow meow meow-meow Tigger!*
(... Here, I'll translate that for you: You're one of the li'l furball I'll always miss when I leave here. Ever since you came to us as a kitten when I was 7, I've been having a time with you. Sure, you're lazy, incompetent, and needy (not to mention FAT), but... there's something about having a whiskery furball curl up in your bed at night sometimes that really makes a person feel good. Thanks so much Tigger!)
18: You first introduced me to what I can be Musically. You even gave me a solo part when I was only a li'l muffinhead in grade 10! Damn was I surprised. Then you went and you had to leave us... :( I never really connected with you on any personal level... ever for that matter, but thanks for being my first official Band and Choir Teacher.
19: Man... working out is for losers (so I should probably be doing that more often with you, eh?) Lol. If you weren't partying all the time, and we both didn't have jobs, I'd be hanging out with you right now probably. Anyway, have a good time when you move back to BC, and don't fret cause I'm sure things'll go good!
20: I guess you're the last person on my list apparantly. We're very different, you're all about the money whereas I couldn't save a Dollar if my life depended on it (which sometimes it actually does). Anyway, long story short: I hope you stop worrying, and let loose sometimes. It's important to be responsible, you're right, but it's also important to forget all your cares in the world and be happy!!! K?
I can't make any garauntees on doing #3, but I'll try... cause I'm supposed to. :D
1) List 20-ish things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
Peoples:
1: Most people probably assume you'd be the first on my list... I just don't get it, y'know? You think *wow... 11 months, how can anything go wrong?* and then it does. We fought... alot. To the point where I was sick of it. Then, being my old needy self, I ended up making things worse and worse until you couldn't even look at me. I was angry for a reeeeaaally long time, y'know? Now, 7 months later, I'm looking back, and although it still kinda hurts ("The first cut is the deepest" after all), I realize something. Thanks to me being a dumbass, and you quite honestly, being somewhat of a bitch... I've learnt things about myself, I've become more courageous, I've grown SO much, and it all started thanks to you. I still have two of your pictures. The biggest one, and "Lamar and Angel" together, the rest I kinda went berserk on. I'm gonna keep them though, unless you want them back cause I know they'll be worth something someday (and then: BRING ON E-BAY!!!)
Anyway, Maybe you'll never hear it, or maybe I will go through with my idea that I promised myself I would, but either way: You hurt me ALOT...and thank you SO much for doing that. I wish you the best of luck with all the other guys you ever meet, and... hope that you gained something from us too, K?
And PS: Also something I'll never think to say or want to say cause that'd require getting close to you again but... I want my book, and Star Wars game back. I think they're still at your house, somewhere...
2: I guess, logically, you'd probably be second in line. Honestly: I've never went as far with anyone as I did with you, and you knew it too. I thought things were going great, I even made one of my stupid plans too! We'd stay together and then after Express, I'd drive from Regina to S'toon every weekend and visit. I guess things kinda got messed up eh? Honestly: I still wanna yell at you, but it really won't accomplish anything so why bother? You did really pick a dumb, assholic way to do it though. For all the other guys you meet in your future lemme give you this piece of advice: If you're gonna break up with someone, don't be a chicken about it, trust your feelings and just do it rather than torturing them longer than they need to feel, K? Please tell me you'll remember that?!?!
3: Man, you were my first ever "Best Friend" since Grade 3, and although we're virtually never around eachother anymore, I'll always consider you that. Lately we've really been drifting apart though, and I think it's mostly my fault (aside from a couple other obvious things that is). I'm moving in an extremely different direction than you in so many different ways... I hope we can still find time to Jam every now and then, and always keep in touch (even if I get lucky enough to get on a Cruise ship, I'll find you somehow!) and keep in mind: one of these days I'll pull a scare so good that it'll pay back every single one I owe you, and then some, so watch your back!!!
4: I really don't get you. I mean, when it's just us, you're often one of the greatest friends to be with, but when we're in public, or around different people... you can really be a bit of a bitch sometimes, y'know? I know, I'm not exactly perfect myself, but... you just seem to have so many prejudices against different people without even giving them a chance usually, you don't seem to care about anything really, and you never try at things when EVERYONE knows that you want most of the time!!! I do still try every now and again to get us together for a good time... but it's really getting harder, so if you could make it easier somehow? Anyway..? Cause I'm gonna be gone soon, no matter how much you might wanna fight it. If I make it into winter Express, I'm pretty much Dead to the world of Moose Jaw... I hope you don't stay angry at me forever cause I'm following my dreams, kay?
5: I'll see you in Regina soon enough, I'm positive. We'll compare facial hair! (maybe I'll even be catching up by the time I see you?) Lol. No really, you kept band, choir, and most of the musical things we did with a group sane, especially when I was trying to keep my mind off of #1. The best part is you probably didn't even know it! We're both pursuing the Musical side of life, but we're taking different roads. That's why I think someday we should come together, get Help from #3, and start a SUPER BAND!!!!!! Whadd'ya say? We could do it! We'd have a Percussionist/Singer-Tenor/Saxophonist, a Trumpeteer/Singer-Bass/Clarinetist, and A Rock Guitar/Singer-Scremo -ist? *I dunno what to call Matt, heh* But now, you rock, and although We disagree on alot of "inner" issues, you're still a great friend to hang out with!
6: K, you barely even know I existed but that's ok cause you're still next on my list. I looked up to you for the 4 or so years that I knew you when it came to everything musical. You were famous in the school, loved by everyone, and so you didn't even notice me. Either that, or you had a Master plan and harboring a little kid like myself would'a just got in your way. Either way, I really shouldn't have looked up to you like I did. I've realized that I have talent on my own over the last year, and I don't need a "role model" like yourself to make me who I am. Besides, I heard you got into some reeally bad shit, so I'm kinda happy I dodged that bullet now.
7: I definately need to put you on this list too, cause there's things I've wanted to say over the past 17 years, but witheld soooo many times cause I was afraid. For starters: I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE, in case haven't noticed. You tell me all the time "I'm so proud of you" this that and the other thing, and that's great and all but what have you done but cause groaning in me? I know, I don't make life any better for you than you do for me, but REALLY... >.< You gave birth to me, and somehow you seem to think you can control my every day? You think you can give me rules, and then disobey them yourself, you can tell me to come to you with a problem and when I do you barely try to help because you "don't really understand", you can slowly kill me, destroy my voice (the only thing I've really got going for me right now), and poison my future and quite likely my kids with your smoking addiction and then complain to me that "it's hard to quit" ? Maybe you shouldn't have fucking started, hmm? For that matter, maybe you should've avoided having sex with someone way older than you when you were so young, things could've been SOOOO much better for you then and best of all for you: I wouldn't even exist! Would that make your life better, hmm?
8: K... calming down now, talk about someone good. How about you? Honestly, when I first met you I thought you were an absolutely -horrible- singer. I kinda judged you by that fact for the longest time and refused to become friends with you because you sounded horrible, you were completely egotistical and grossly promiscous (sp?). Man... did I ever miss out. I've gotten to know you alot better lately, and you're not egotistical at all, you're actually extremely against alot of the things you were into last year, and I'm actually really starting to like your voice too! So here's to our Jedi Saber fights: T-TEAM FOREVER!!!
9: Guess who's next!!! Lol. You were my first love (yeah, there actually was someone before #1), and I really thought we could hit it off. Damn... maybe if I wasn't so shy around you back then, things'd be different. Life goes on though, and "with it I must ride" (Can't remember what that's a quote of). On the same side though, things are actually pretty good for us. I dunno if you know it or not but... when you were in the hospital and I was on the rebound >.< you were that lucky person... I tried to visit you as much as possible, and even left you a "thimble of my Love" for you. *Yeah, it was funny, but it had an inner meaning too...* Things change though. It's cool to have a girl that I can just be silly with finally, and not be way too overly attracted to (don't take that the wrong way though, K?). But Damnit, stop stealing my ties! And where the hell did you put my tape? I still haven't found it... >.<
10: I don't think you'll ever guess who you are by reading this, but I'm writing it no matter what. You really are... something. >.< I mean, you're an awesome friend when you want to be, but when you're just a little annoyed with someone, you escalate it to so much higher elevations! It kinda pushed me away after awhile, cause if I keep going the direction that I'm going, I'm scared you'll get jealous and blacklist me from your life anyway, like you have with other people. Don't get me wrong; it's really fun to be around you, when you actually want to be around. You gotta realize though that sometimes... life doesn't always go your way, and some of those times you just hafta take it too. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news there li'l buddy... but it's just the way it is...
11: I'm sorry. Really I am I just... never felt the same way. I actually do Love you, just... not that way! I mean, you're an awesome friend, and I love how happy you make most people around you but... you're just not for me. I know I'm not always there for you like you've probably wanted me to be sometimes, for the longest time I actually kinda avoided you so that 1: You'd get over me, and 2: Cause... you seemed to be having fun with #1 and I wasn't about to go anywhere near her ever again at the time, but I do still think you're an awesome person. I know you've gone through alotta shit in your life, and you're really an emotional person (I can totally connect on the second one too), but just keep looking to the future, k? You got a spark or... something, that no one can ever kill. Try a bunch of different things, from religion, to jobs, to personal hobbies! You'll find your path: I promise, just never quit!
12: Hey you, Mrs. Teacher you. I bet no one was expecting you to be in here, but really you've made a big impact on my life and I'mma gonna tell you how in my own way. You know, for the first little while I truly thought you hated me. I dunno why, I just had it in my head that you were only for the people who were "popular" and definately couldn't be bothered with a low-down student like myself. Then I got into your faveourite class, and I learned that you, and alot of my peers, weren't against me as much as I thought they all were. I learned that you do have a bit of an edge to your voice often, and can actually be quite manipulating, but that's not caused by any negative feelings towards anyone, it's just the way you are. You taught me alot of what I know when it comes to my performing career, and I'm definately gonna attribute alot of my life to you, so thank you for all your hard work, and tough teacher love.
13: You know, you think you know somebody, then the turn out to be completely different from the person you thought they were for so long... this isn't actually a bad one though, before ya'll get worried. I always thought you were just the little addition to my life that I would always have fun with. I guess you're growing up now. You joined me in schooling for one last year, and I got to know you again. At the risk of sounding like our parents, you're actually turning into quite a lady (as much as I cringe to admit it). I always knew you as one of the "guys" actually, in fact your ahead of me by miles when it comes to alot of things considered "guyish." I hope we can still have fun, and I hope you have the guts someday to ask that special guy out on a date. Don't be so afraid of guys, they're not ALL horny disgusting pervo-assholes.
14: You've made alotta bad choices buddy. I dunno why you did half the things you've done, taken the path you're taking, but I hope it's actually doing something for you although you tell me it isn't. You know why? Cause you're in a rut (you should've listened in Ethics, you might've learnt something). You've become so used to all the bad things that you yourself know you're against, that you just keep them going. I'll always be there for you, if you need someone to hang out with that isn't overly-sexual or a horrible druggie, but please, do whatever it takes to get out of your ruts! You're a good friend, I don't wanna lose you to an STD, drug-overdose, or alcoholism!
15: K, I know you're always looking out for your team, your troupe, your "family", but you really hafta pay more attention to what's going on inside of it before you make decisions. I've heard stories about you, and although I don't know you that well personally, I've had my own few confrontations between I few things. I know I'm not perfect, but if you want to encourage me on, and maybe work on making your show all you want it to be, you could actually come and watch a few things rather than go out buying clothes, and caring about the less-important things. A show is about the performers and their talents, not what they're wearing!
16: Why don't you use LJ anymore? I barely talk to you! We used to be eachother's shoulders, even though we never once met face to face! I guess college makes it hard for you to talk, especially when it's across nationalistic borders, but :( ... I miss you! Make sure you update your LJ sometime, or something K?!?!?!
17: *Meow meow meeeow meow mmmeeooow meow meow meow meow-meow. Meow meow-meow-meow, meeeow, meow, (mmmeeooow meow), meow... meow meow-meow meow meow meow-meow meow meeow meeeeeeoooow meow meow meooow meow. Meeow meow meow-meow Tigger!*
(... Here, I'll translate that for you: You're one of the li'l furball I'll always miss when I leave here. Ever since you came to us as a kitten when I was 7, I've been having a time with you. Sure, you're lazy, incompetent, and needy (not to mention FAT), but... there's something about having a whiskery furball curl up in your bed at night sometimes that really makes a person feel good. Thanks so much Tigger!)
18: You first introduced me to what I can be Musically. You even gave me a solo part when I was only a li'l muffinhead in grade 10! Damn was I surprised. Then you went and you had to leave us... :( I never really connected with you on any personal level... ever for that matter, but thanks for being my first official Band and Choir Teacher.
19: Man... working out is for losers (so I should probably be doing that more often with you, eh?) Lol. If you weren't partying all the time, and we both didn't have jobs, I'd be hanging out with you right now probably. Anyway, have a good time when you move back to BC, and don't fret cause I'm sure things'll go good!
20: I guess you're the last person on my list apparantly. We're very different, you're all about the money whereas I couldn't save a Dollar if my life depended on it (which sometimes it actually does). Anyway, long story short: I hope you stop worrying, and let loose sometimes. It's important to be responsible, you're right, but it's also important to forget all your cares in the world and be happy!!! K?