(no subject)
Every time I look at my livejournal icon, it brings me mixed feelings. It reminds me that I will always be who I am-- the outsider who didn't want a happy picture in front of epcot. The grouch. Just the two of me. The one that wanted to be a part of it all, who didn't care if nobody understood... and the one that though "it all" wasn't good enough to be in my world.
Right now I'm dealing with that sense of unwantedness. I know exactly how it feels because there it was, in secondary school. I had to build an ego that would surpass all of my own doubts in order to make myself into the man I wanted to be. Slowly, I believed it was true, and then it didn't matter what other people think.
But as the number of "other people" gets smaller and smaller, the ability to deny the feeling gets weaker and weaker. Now I just have those precious few that I can pretend want me, but it's getting hard to pretend enough for them, too.
Cassie said it's not fair that all the burden should rest on me. Maybe if my dad wasn't such an asshole and helped me out now and again. Maybe if Alex paid his third of the rent once in a while. Maybe if Cassie didn't spend so much money. Maybe if bills weren't so high in the first place. Maybe if I didn't have to get a degree before anything real happens in my career life. Maybe if work would just give me a raise.
I'm sorry to complain so much, guys, but if I don't let it out, it'll just build and build and someone, probably someone close, will get badly hurt. I think it's fairer to just annoy everyone a little by bitching about my life than to really cut someone I love deep.
I hope everyone's problems or wishes are fixed or granted. Read your horiscopes. Literally, they mean nothing, but if you look closer, you'll see they design horiscopes so that if a person from each sign carries out their recommendation, then it has a circular affect that creates harmony for every other sign/person. It's not that astrology can see into our future... it's just that astrologists recognize the basic characteristics of society and divide them into 12 functional groups. Amazing how we can carry on a misconception our whole life and it's still completely functional. Just be blessed in knowing that things probably never do or don't work out for the reasons you think they do.
Right now I'm dealing with that sense of unwantedness. I know exactly how it feels because there it was, in secondary school. I had to build an ego that would surpass all of my own doubts in order to make myself into the man I wanted to be. Slowly, I believed it was true, and then it didn't matter what other people think.
But as the number of "other people" gets smaller and smaller, the ability to deny the feeling gets weaker and weaker. Now I just have those precious few that I can pretend want me, but it's getting hard to pretend enough for them, too.
Cassie said it's not fair that all the burden should rest on me. Maybe if my dad wasn't such an asshole and helped me out now and again. Maybe if Alex paid his third of the rent once in a while. Maybe if Cassie didn't spend so much money. Maybe if bills weren't so high in the first place. Maybe if I didn't have to get a degree before anything real happens in my career life. Maybe if work would just give me a raise.
I'm sorry to complain so much, guys, but if I don't let it out, it'll just build and build and someone, probably someone close, will get badly hurt. I think it's fairer to just annoy everyone a little by bitching about my life than to really cut someone I love deep.
I hope everyone's problems or wishes are fixed or granted. Read your horiscopes. Literally, they mean nothing, but if you look closer, you'll see they design horiscopes so that if a person from each sign carries out their recommendation, then it has a circular affect that creates harmony for every other sign/person. It's not that astrology can see into our future... it's just that astrologists recognize the basic characteristics of society and divide them into 12 functional groups. Amazing how we can carry on a misconception our whole life and it's still completely functional. Just be blessed in knowing that things probably never do or don't work out for the reasons you think they do.