The Long Surrender: 10/??
Title: The Long Surrender
Author: lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff, drinking
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Is awesome. I like it. Keep it coming?
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: I send an arsenal of beautiful men to dolce_piccante , millionstar , and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, lovers, inspiration givers, NaNoWriMo cheerleaders and genuinely incredible friends. This is the beginning of Part 2, London. It will feature epic highs and epic lows. The soundtrack to TLS Part 1 is HERE!!! I do hope you enjoy it!! To all my commenters, I will keep saying it: I LOVE YOU GUYS. Sometimes, I think that this story would be nothing without you. <3
NaNo word count: 43,397
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Loneliness, for Matthew, had always been a looming presence, something that would find a way to snake around his neck at night, and force him to focus on the void in his life. The month he spent in Madrid had served as a welcome distraction, his days filled with students, Vida, and personal conversation that seemed to grow during his final weeks; nights filled with gigs and flamenco dancers, a colorful world that had pushed thoughts of emptiness out of his mind until he collapsed in bed with only moments before he would fall asleep. This was, of course, completely removing Dominic and Julia from the equation. Their presence in his life for the past two weeks had done his heart a world of good, opening him up and showing him how to live again.
Now, as he stood cold and alone in his flat, the blank spaces that Evan used to fill glared at him, and reminded him of the ache in his heart. Pictures had been removed, proof that Evan had come back to pick up various odds and ends he had left behind during Matthew's absence. He had not left a note, not left a word of 'I'm sorry.' Once more, as he sat on the couch with his bags at his feet, he wondered if it truly was his fault.
When he had first met Evan, their relationship seemed something that had become too strong in too short of a time and had left him wondering if they were rushing their affections. They started as friends, living on the same floor and seeing each other in passing. With schedules at odds, it was difficult for their friendship to start during that first semester and their conversation was limited to pleasantries one shares with a stranger you see on a continual basis. The beginning of the second semester proved that the timing was right for them to bond and quickly Matthew found himself spilling every detail of his life to the boy. He had not, for at least a few months, known that Evan was gay and the same was for Evan - the topic hardly coming up in conversation for fear of seeming rude or intrusive.
At a birthday party for a mutual friend not long after they met, it was alcohol and the haze of drugs that lead them to the discovery. Matthew had never viewed alcohol or any sort of substance as 'truth serum' and was convinced that such a thing did not exist, but he could never decide which it was that had brought him to touch Evan's face the way he had that night. He caught himself immediately, pulling his hand away to blush an apology before leaving the room in favor of the cold air in the midst of its transition from winter to spring. Evan had followed, trailing close behind with parted lips and his drink long forgotten on the kitchen counter. Nothing was sobering in the night time chill, nothing at all. And soon, Matthew had found himself pressed against the side of the house, a broken streetlamp hiding them from view, as Evan attacked his lips with a fervor that was too heavy with emotion to be drunken or meaningless.
If he tried to pin-point exactly when Evan's affections faded, he was sure the task was simply impossible. From the start, Evan had supported his music and his work. Many nights and mornings they had spent naked, enjoying each other's company as Matthew strummed lazily on his guitar while Evan watched. In laughter or silence, it had never seemed a problem. After uni, there had been tension, Evan quickly getting employed by a small advertising company seeking to use his design skills for their website. What was one to do with a degree in philosophy? What was one to do when their true passion was equally as uncertain as their second choice? For Matthew, the option had been to follow his dream, but each passing day had proved that Evan felt otherwise.
And while their opinions differed, it never meant that Evan had loved Matthew any less. From job to job they had been each other's support, the lifeline. When Matthew's parents had passed away, his father first from his stroke and his mother merely three months later due to, he was sure, broken heart, Evan had been the only one he wanted or needed to see; the only one who could pull him from the all consuming depression he found himself floundering in. To say that any of those moments were tarnished by lack of love was blasphemy, and Matthew was sure that deep down, Evan did still love him - he simply was too weak to support Matthew.
Hugging himself close, the meory came back to Matthew, forcing his eyes to shut as he felt the weight of his blame overtake him. He has sucked everything from Evan: money, time, love. What had he given in return? Could he name one thing that he gave back with equal ferocity as Evan? Whether it was because he was not ready to truly recognize he was not to fault or because he truly had not given anything in return, Matthew was unsure, but he could recall no answer to his question. The blankness in his mind nearly brought him to tears.
If he was honest with himself, he did not want to be alone, to unpack, to be back in London so soon. But he was and he would push through, for the sake of his career, for the sake of Dominic.
It was the thought of Dominic that spurred him to action, lifting his bags and walking slowly to the room that he used to share with Evan. From first glance, it appeared as though nothing had changed but...he knew.
He knew that if he opened the closet, there would be only one side featuring the things that Matthew had left behind. He knew that the sheets on the bed were old, untouched in the years that he had been with Evan, thrown on in the haste of trying to start a new. He knew that the picture frames on the dresser that were skewed from his view would be empty, or their contents replaced completely. He knew that there had been an easel had once been placed by the bay window, where Evan would sit on the window seat to paint. He knew these things, and has he lingered in the doorway, he lived through every memory once more.
From falling to the bed the first night with Evan to their first Christmas dinner in the flat, burned turkey and all, to the night Evan had asked him to be with him forever. Every moment seeped to drip in shivers down his spine and Matthew did his best to hold himself together as he set his bags on the bed to unpack.
In a nothingness, an empty frame of mind, Matthew focused on unpacking his clothes, the neatly folded shirts in the bag reminding him of happier times he had been living merely four hours before.
The first shirt he pulled out was the white button down he had worn the night before and immediately he was transported to his evening with Dominic and Julia. He did his best not to focus on the lewd seduction tactic he had so bravely performed but he could not help himself, both proud and ashamed that he would do such a thing to Dominic, to a man who was engaged. But the blonde had done nothing to stop him, merely staring with eyes that had gone black, licking his lips and pressing himself into the booth with a hiss. The only guilt Matthew felt was on account of the encounter occurring behind Julia's back and, perhaps he was evil for it but, he refused to feel guilty that it had happened at all.
They were men in control of their actions, and both knew exactly what they were doing as the flirtation continued throughout the evening. And it was the actions that occurred beyond the instigation that fueled the flames of Matthew's secret desires. Dominic had unbuttoned his shirt, then, three buttons removed from their holes, sucking his bottom lip as he did so and cocking his head to the side as he regarded Matthew with a heated stare. The exposed skin glowed in the lights and Matthew did his best not to focus his attention on the part of a collarbone he had never seen before. Instead, he allowed his head to fall back against the seat, his hand to muss his hair and his lips to part with a sigh and his eyes to wander; to fix Dominic with a keen expression of nonchalance. He did not need to look at the blonde to feel his aura prickle with annoyance. knowing well that Dominic wanted his eyes back on him, craving the attention like a whore. And Matthew denied him until he felt it was absolutely necessary though, as soon as he did, he wished he hadn't. Legs spread in the booth, eyes closed and damp hair plastered to Dom's forehead, the blonde ran a hand around his neck and collarbone, smearing the sweat on his skin around the crevices before dunking his fingers into his cold drink and sprinkling himself in a cool, yet sticky, shower, bringing a fingers to his lips to suck the tips clean. It was, he was absolutely sure, a picture of the man during sex. There was no other word for it, the word was simply oozing off of him and into the thick atmosphere of the room.
And then Julia had returned, and as quickly as their game had started it ended. He had spent the rest of the evening convincing himself it was because he was filled with liquor and heat, that the pulse of Julia's choice song had caused an erotic pressure to settle at the base of their spines. It was difficult to believe it was just that, but for the sake of insanity, he had to at least try.
Tossing the shirt to the floor, marking the item as the start of the pile to be marked 'dirty,' he began working through his clothes, keeping the images of Dom on replay in his mind. Doing so caused the work to go quicker than he thought it would, soon finding himself back on the couch with a load of wash going and filling the silence with its domestic hum.
His brain was a hurricane, a mish-mash of Dominic and Evan swirling in his mind so quickly that the images of the two men were becoming blurred. It was entirely unfounded to compare Dominic with Evan, the relationships so completely unsimilar, the men so wholly different that it was something he refused to do at all. Dominic was, he was completely sure, physically unable to hurt someone the way Evan did him. He would not leave without a reason, without a conversation, without a fight, without a second chance. Dominic was everything and more than Evan was, and so, in his heart, he tried not to become attached, because he couldn't, because it was wrong, and because what was left of Evan might taint what he had with the blonde. He thought it something sacred, and would protect it with his life and soul.
Thoughts of the blonde prompted him to lift his mobile and call him, hoping that maybe Dominic would serve as a distraction from all the things he didn't want to face.
"Hey mate," Dominic said cheerily as he answered. "Long time no see."
"Yeah," Matthew said somberly. "Look, I hate to bug you. I'm sure you and Julia have loads to do but I was wondering if you would like to stop by? I know we don't live very far from each other..it's like a tube stop away, not even."
"Oh, well, Julia is going out with some friends to show them pictures. I could probably come over after she leaves. Is everything ok you sound....different?" Dominic was being gentle in his word choice, and Matthew appreciated his soft tone.
"I - well," he stammered. "No, not really," he admitted. "I don't....I don't want to be here alone. There's just...a lot of Evan...." He could hardly bring himself to say the words, everything tumbling out of his mouth in a morose whisper.
"Tell me where you live. I'll be there in ten." It was everything Matthew could do not to break into tears, the conviction and sheer force of Dominic's need to help him so clear in his voice.
The ten to twenty minutes it took for Dominic to find his flat felt as though they were drifting forward and frozen in time, keeping him separated from Dominic when he was already so close. Unsure of what to do with himself, he sat anxiously on the couch, leg twitching in time with the hum of the laundry, feeling silly for needing to see the man so soon after he had just left him.
They had met up at the airport at noon, had spent the two hours on the flight together, ate lunch together at the airport and had only separated after Dom got off the tube line first, his stop coming before Matthew's. It seemed entirely ridiculous that he had been separated from him for around two hours and already felt that he needed to see him. But the house felt like it was closing in on him, like Evan was closing in on him and he needed the anchor to Spain he had found in Dominic.
The gentle knock on his door thrust him to his feet and within an instant he was there to see Dom's concerned face. They paused, though he didn't know what, not awkward and not feeling like they needed to do anything else in that instant.
"Come in," He pulled the door wide, allowing Dom to step in. "Can I take your coat?" He hated himself for the formality.
"Nah, it's ok," Dominic said softly. His eyes were taking in his surroundings as Matthew shuffled on his feet, rocking back and forth while he waited for his brain to come up with something to say. Dominic got there first. "So what's up?" The question was not implying an answer of mundane activities about laundry or unpacking. He shot right to the heart of the issue and Matthew ran a hand through his hair while the other pointed to the couch, signaling that they should sit.
"It's like...he's here still," was all Matthew could say as they settled into the plush couch, the cushions much more comfortable now that there was someone next to him. "He's everywhere...and no where."
Dominic nodded. "Is everything here....?" his question drifted off but Matthew knew his meaning instantly.
"It's all mine. Everything that was his is gone, but it's like he's in the walls." He looked around the room, the house and noticed that it looked as though it were fully furnished and comfortable, though to him it felt unbearably empty. "It's funny. It looks like no one left. Must have been so cluttered before and I never noticed," he whispered.
They sat in silence for a moment, Dominic clearly putting his thoughts together but Matthew did not want to focus on Evan. Instead, he took the pause to play host.
"Do you want tea or something?"
Dominic shook his head, his thoughts still formulating. "Maybe you should get new things. Star over completely, you know?"
Matthew shook his head. "I can't...I don't want to deal with this right now." Everything he was saying felt childish but he couldn't help himself. "It's too soon."
"It isn't though," Dominic said sternly. "You can't run from this. I mean, it happened and then you went to Spain. You need to confront it head on and deal with it."
"Deal with what? I can't call him. I don't know where the fuck he is. I tried getting answers out of him but all he said was that he 'didn't love me enough to try' anymore. How am I supposed to take that Dom?" His chest was starting to burn and his fists balled into fists. He didn't want to cry again. "I have no answers and nothing to mull over. I don't even know where to start."
Dominic watched him, mouth open and eyes wide. "He said that?" was his soft question.
Matthew brought a hand to his lips and tore his eyes from the blonde as he nodded. "Said that i had nothing, which basically meant I was nothing. I know it was my fault that he left. I should have tried harder, I should have listened to him."
"Woa, what?" Dominic exclaimed. "That's not even true!"
"You don't know the whole story, Dom," Matthew said, bringing his eyes back to the blonde. "I took everything from him. Money and his love. I just took and took and I didn't do anything in return." His view of Dominic blurred behind his tears, and he blinked them away, enjoying the sensation of the liquid filling the spaces between his eyelashes.
"I can't even believe you would say that." Dominic sounded gutted, disappointed and heartbroken at Matthew's words. "If he loved you, you weren't taking anything from him. He was giving it to you without asking anything in return."
"But that just means, then, that he never loved me at all!" Matthew's fists flew into the air and hit the couch, like a child and he curled in on himself, dropping his head to his hands.
"You've just twisted that to fit your explanation of why he left, to fit the blame you have on yourself," Dominic said softly.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his back. "He did love you, I'm sure. But you can't go on thinking that this is your fault, because I know it wasn't. He just wasn't strong enough to love you completely. And you deserve someone who loves you entirely." His hand started rubbing in soft circles on Matthew's back.
Matthew raised his head to Dominic, cheeks stained with tears, bottom lip quivering as he struggled to breathe. "Why couldn't it have been him?" he whispered. He loathed the question, fearing that the answer would elude him forever.
Dominic paused and then, very softly, he whispered his reply. "Maybe because it was time to make room for the one who could."
And then the sobs hit him like a truck, rising up from his spine and making his muscles clench as he choked out his breaths. He felt himself falling to his side, Dominic's arms catching him to pull him to his chest.
He hated to believe that Dominic was right, that there was someone who could love him more and better than Evan had. He didn't want to think of it, his heart utterly broken and yearning for the man who had crushed his happy dreams for the future. But then, as strong arms wrapped around him and pressed his shaking form to a steady heartbeat, he just let the tears fall in the comfort of a friend who seemed to know exactly what he needed at the moment.
Soothing words were whispered into his hair, drowned out completely by the heartbeat that he was sure was keeping him from drifting entirely into his depression. He clung like a child to Dominic, fisting his hands in the blonde's tee as he cried for an indiscernible amount of time. Dominic didn't seem to mind, holding him tightly and Matthew got the feeling that Dominic was willing himself to remove the emotions from him totally, as though he wished them on himself so that Matthew wouldn't suffer.
As his tears calmed and his choking sobs became little gasps of breath, he began to listen intently to Dominic's soothing words. His breath made soft hushing sounds, nose pressing gently into his hair, only to be replaced by his cheek as he held him in a comforting embrace. Matthew's focus drifted from the feeling the hug gave him, as though Dominic was looking to protect him from all harm in the world, to the sounds of Dominic hums, both causing his bleary eyes to droop.
In the soft whispers that Dominic gave him, he heard something that made his ears perk up, his heart to soar.
"Everything is fine, Bells."
Bells. It was beautiful.
He extracted himself slowly from Dominic's arms, wiping his cheeks with the front of his wrist as he gazed at Dom's and then to his shirt. He let out a laugh at how his tears had caused the fabric to dampen. "I'm sorry," he chuckled.
Dominic shrugged, a brilliant smile on his face. "It's fine." Matthew was sure the Spanish sun had made a home in that expression.
Looking down at his lap and then slowly back to Dominic, Matthew peered at him from under damp eyelashes as he asked, "Bells?"
A blush spread softly across Dom's cheeks and the blinding smile become a remarkably shy one. "I told you I wanted to give you a name no one has ever called you before."
Matthew smiled, his tired heart finding room in it to swell. "I like it."
I love it, he thought.
Author: lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff, drinking
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Is awesome. I like it. Keep it coming?
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: I send an arsenal of beautiful men to dolce_piccante , millionstar , and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, lovers, inspiration givers, NaNoWriMo cheerleaders and genuinely incredible friends. This is the beginning of Part 2, London. It will feature epic highs and epic lows. The soundtrack to TLS Part 1 is HERE!!! I do hope you enjoy it!! To all my commenters, I will keep saying it: I LOVE YOU GUYS. Sometimes, I think that this story would be nothing without you. <3
NaNo word count: 43,397
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9
Loneliness, for Matthew, had always been a looming presence, something that would find a way to snake around his neck at night, and force him to focus on the void in his life. The month he spent in Madrid had served as a welcome distraction, his days filled with students, Vida, and personal conversation that seemed to grow during his final weeks; nights filled with gigs and flamenco dancers, a colorful world that had pushed thoughts of emptiness out of his mind until he collapsed in bed with only moments before he would fall asleep. This was, of course, completely removing Dominic and Julia from the equation. Their presence in his life for the past two weeks had done his heart a world of good, opening him up and showing him how to live again.
Now, as he stood cold and alone in his flat, the blank spaces that Evan used to fill glared at him, and reminded him of the ache in his heart. Pictures had been removed, proof that Evan had come back to pick up various odds and ends he had left behind during Matthew's absence. He had not left a note, not left a word of 'I'm sorry.' Once more, as he sat on the couch with his bags at his feet, he wondered if it truly was his fault.
When he had first met Evan, their relationship seemed something that had become too strong in too short of a time and had left him wondering if they were rushing their affections. They started as friends, living on the same floor and seeing each other in passing. With schedules at odds, it was difficult for their friendship to start during that first semester and their conversation was limited to pleasantries one shares with a stranger you see on a continual basis. The beginning of the second semester proved that the timing was right for them to bond and quickly Matthew found himself spilling every detail of his life to the boy. He had not, for at least a few months, known that Evan was gay and the same was for Evan - the topic hardly coming up in conversation for fear of seeming rude or intrusive.
At a birthday party for a mutual friend not long after they met, it was alcohol and the haze of drugs that lead them to the discovery. Matthew had never viewed alcohol or any sort of substance as 'truth serum' and was convinced that such a thing did not exist, but he could never decide which it was that had brought him to touch Evan's face the way he had that night. He caught himself immediately, pulling his hand away to blush an apology before leaving the room in favor of the cold air in the midst of its transition from winter to spring. Evan had followed, trailing close behind with parted lips and his drink long forgotten on the kitchen counter. Nothing was sobering in the night time chill, nothing at all. And soon, Matthew had found himself pressed against the side of the house, a broken streetlamp hiding them from view, as Evan attacked his lips with a fervor that was too heavy with emotion to be drunken or meaningless.
If he tried to pin-point exactly when Evan's affections faded, he was sure the task was simply impossible. From the start, Evan had supported his music and his work. Many nights and mornings they had spent naked, enjoying each other's company as Matthew strummed lazily on his guitar while Evan watched. In laughter or silence, it had never seemed a problem. After uni, there had been tension, Evan quickly getting employed by a small advertising company seeking to use his design skills for their website. What was one to do with a degree in philosophy? What was one to do when their true passion was equally as uncertain as their second choice? For Matthew, the option had been to follow his dream, but each passing day had proved that Evan felt otherwise.
And while their opinions differed, it never meant that Evan had loved Matthew any less. From job to job they had been each other's support, the lifeline. When Matthew's parents had passed away, his father first from his stroke and his mother merely three months later due to, he was sure, broken heart, Evan had been the only one he wanted or needed to see; the only one who could pull him from the all consuming depression he found himself floundering in. To say that any of those moments were tarnished by lack of love was blasphemy, and Matthew was sure that deep down, Evan did still love him - he simply was too weak to support Matthew.
Hugging himself close, the meory came back to Matthew, forcing his eyes to shut as he felt the weight of his blame overtake him. He has sucked everything from Evan: money, time, love. What had he given in return? Could he name one thing that he gave back with equal ferocity as Evan? Whether it was because he was not ready to truly recognize he was not to fault or because he truly had not given anything in return, Matthew was unsure, but he could recall no answer to his question. The blankness in his mind nearly brought him to tears.
If he was honest with himself, he did not want to be alone, to unpack, to be back in London so soon. But he was and he would push through, for the sake of his career, for the sake of Dominic.
It was the thought of Dominic that spurred him to action, lifting his bags and walking slowly to the room that he used to share with Evan. From first glance, it appeared as though nothing had changed but...he knew.
He knew that if he opened the closet, there would be only one side featuring the things that Matthew had left behind. He knew that the sheets on the bed were old, untouched in the years that he had been with Evan, thrown on in the haste of trying to start a new. He knew that the picture frames on the dresser that were skewed from his view would be empty, or their contents replaced completely. He knew that there had been an easel had once been placed by the bay window, where Evan would sit on the window seat to paint. He knew these things, and has he lingered in the doorway, he lived through every memory once more.
From falling to the bed the first night with Evan to their first Christmas dinner in the flat, burned turkey and all, to the night Evan had asked him to be with him forever. Every moment seeped to drip in shivers down his spine and Matthew did his best to hold himself together as he set his bags on the bed to unpack.
In a nothingness, an empty frame of mind, Matthew focused on unpacking his clothes, the neatly folded shirts in the bag reminding him of happier times he had been living merely four hours before.
The first shirt he pulled out was the white button down he had worn the night before and immediately he was transported to his evening with Dominic and Julia. He did his best not to focus on the lewd seduction tactic he had so bravely performed but he could not help himself, both proud and ashamed that he would do such a thing to Dominic, to a man who was engaged. But the blonde had done nothing to stop him, merely staring with eyes that had gone black, licking his lips and pressing himself into the booth with a hiss. The only guilt Matthew felt was on account of the encounter occurring behind Julia's back and, perhaps he was evil for it but, he refused to feel guilty that it had happened at all.
They were men in control of their actions, and both knew exactly what they were doing as the flirtation continued throughout the evening. And it was the actions that occurred beyond the instigation that fueled the flames of Matthew's secret desires. Dominic had unbuttoned his shirt, then, three buttons removed from their holes, sucking his bottom lip as he did so and cocking his head to the side as he regarded Matthew with a heated stare. The exposed skin glowed in the lights and Matthew did his best not to focus his attention on the part of a collarbone he had never seen before. Instead, he allowed his head to fall back against the seat, his hand to muss his hair and his lips to part with a sigh and his eyes to wander; to fix Dominic with a keen expression of nonchalance. He did not need to look at the blonde to feel his aura prickle with annoyance. knowing well that Dominic wanted his eyes back on him, craving the attention like a whore. And Matthew denied him until he felt it was absolutely necessary though, as soon as he did, he wished he hadn't. Legs spread in the booth, eyes closed and damp hair plastered to Dom's forehead, the blonde ran a hand around his neck and collarbone, smearing the sweat on his skin around the crevices before dunking his fingers into his cold drink and sprinkling himself in a cool, yet sticky, shower, bringing a fingers to his lips to suck the tips clean. It was, he was absolutely sure, a picture of the man during sex. There was no other word for it, the word was simply oozing off of him and into the thick atmosphere of the room.
And then Julia had returned, and as quickly as their game had started it ended. He had spent the rest of the evening convincing himself it was because he was filled with liquor and heat, that the pulse of Julia's choice song had caused an erotic pressure to settle at the base of their spines. It was difficult to believe it was just that, but for the sake of insanity, he had to at least try.
Tossing the shirt to the floor, marking the item as the start of the pile to be marked 'dirty,' he began working through his clothes, keeping the images of Dom on replay in his mind. Doing so caused the work to go quicker than he thought it would, soon finding himself back on the couch with a load of wash going and filling the silence with its domestic hum.
His brain was a hurricane, a mish-mash of Dominic and Evan swirling in his mind so quickly that the images of the two men were becoming blurred. It was entirely unfounded to compare Dominic with Evan, the relationships so completely unsimilar, the men so wholly different that it was something he refused to do at all. Dominic was, he was completely sure, physically unable to hurt someone the way Evan did him. He would not leave without a reason, without a conversation, without a fight, without a second chance. Dominic was everything and more than Evan was, and so, in his heart, he tried not to become attached, because he couldn't, because it was wrong, and because what was left of Evan might taint what he had with the blonde. He thought it something sacred, and would protect it with his life and soul.
Thoughts of the blonde prompted him to lift his mobile and call him, hoping that maybe Dominic would serve as a distraction from all the things he didn't want to face.
"Hey mate," Dominic said cheerily as he answered. "Long time no see."
"Yeah," Matthew said somberly. "Look, I hate to bug you. I'm sure you and Julia have loads to do but I was wondering if you would like to stop by? I know we don't live very far from each other..it's like a tube stop away, not even."
"Oh, well, Julia is going out with some friends to show them pictures. I could probably come over after she leaves. Is everything ok you sound....different?" Dominic was being gentle in his word choice, and Matthew appreciated his soft tone.
"I - well," he stammered. "No, not really," he admitted. "I don't....I don't want to be here alone. There's just...a lot of Evan...." He could hardly bring himself to say the words, everything tumbling out of his mouth in a morose whisper.
"Tell me where you live. I'll be there in ten." It was everything Matthew could do not to break into tears, the conviction and sheer force of Dominic's need to help him so clear in his voice.
The ten to twenty minutes it took for Dominic to find his flat felt as though they were drifting forward and frozen in time, keeping him separated from Dominic when he was already so close. Unsure of what to do with himself, he sat anxiously on the couch, leg twitching in time with the hum of the laundry, feeling silly for needing to see the man so soon after he had just left him.
They had met up at the airport at noon, had spent the two hours on the flight together, ate lunch together at the airport and had only separated after Dom got off the tube line first, his stop coming before Matthew's. It seemed entirely ridiculous that he had been separated from him for around two hours and already felt that he needed to see him. But the house felt like it was closing in on him, like Evan was closing in on him and he needed the anchor to Spain he had found in Dominic.
The gentle knock on his door thrust him to his feet and within an instant he was there to see Dom's concerned face. They paused, though he didn't know what, not awkward and not feeling like they needed to do anything else in that instant.
"Come in," He pulled the door wide, allowing Dom to step in. "Can I take your coat?" He hated himself for the formality.
"Nah, it's ok," Dominic said softly. His eyes were taking in his surroundings as Matthew shuffled on his feet, rocking back and forth while he waited for his brain to come up with something to say. Dominic got there first. "So what's up?" The question was not implying an answer of mundane activities about laundry or unpacking. He shot right to the heart of the issue and Matthew ran a hand through his hair while the other pointed to the couch, signaling that they should sit.
"It's like...he's here still," was all Matthew could say as they settled into the plush couch, the cushions much more comfortable now that there was someone next to him. "He's everywhere...and no where."
Dominic nodded. "Is everything here....?" his question drifted off but Matthew knew his meaning instantly.
"It's all mine. Everything that was his is gone, but it's like he's in the walls." He looked around the room, the house and noticed that it looked as though it were fully furnished and comfortable, though to him it felt unbearably empty. "It's funny. It looks like no one left. Must have been so cluttered before and I never noticed," he whispered.
They sat in silence for a moment, Dominic clearly putting his thoughts together but Matthew did not want to focus on Evan. Instead, he took the pause to play host.
"Do you want tea or something?"
Dominic shook his head, his thoughts still formulating. "Maybe you should get new things. Star over completely, you know?"
Matthew shook his head. "I can't...I don't want to deal with this right now." Everything he was saying felt childish but he couldn't help himself. "It's too soon."
"It isn't though," Dominic said sternly. "You can't run from this. I mean, it happened and then you went to Spain. You need to confront it head on and deal with it."
"Deal with what? I can't call him. I don't know where the fuck he is. I tried getting answers out of him but all he said was that he 'didn't love me enough to try' anymore. How am I supposed to take that Dom?" His chest was starting to burn and his fists balled into fists. He didn't want to cry again. "I have no answers and nothing to mull over. I don't even know where to start."
Dominic watched him, mouth open and eyes wide. "He said that?" was his soft question.
Matthew brought a hand to his lips and tore his eyes from the blonde as he nodded. "Said that i had nothing, which basically meant I was nothing. I know it was my fault that he left. I should have tried harder, I should have listened to him."
"Woa, what?" Dominic exclaimed. "That's not even true!"
"You don't know the whole story, Dom," Matthew said, bringing his eyes back to the blonde. "I took everything from him. Money and his love. I just took and took and I didn't do anything in return." His view of Dominic blurred behind his tears, and he blinked them away, enjoying the sensation of the liquid filling the spaces between his eyelashes.
"I can't even believe you would say that." Dominic sounded gutted, disappointed and heartbroken at Matthew's words. "If he loved you, you weren't taking anything from him. He was giving it to you without asking anything in return."
"But that just means, then, that he never loved me at all!" Matthew's fists flew into the air and hit the couch, like a child and he curled in on himself, dropping his head to his hands.
"You've just twisted that to fit your explanation of why he left, to fit the blame you have on yourself," Dominic said softly.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his back. "He did love you, I'm sure. But you can't go on thinking that this is your fault, because I know it wasn't. He just wasn't strong enough to love you completely. And you deserve someone who loves you entirely." His hand started rubbing in soft circles on Matthew's back.
Matthew raised his head to Dominic, cheeks stained with tears, bottom lip quivering as he struggled to breathe. "Why couldn't it have been him?" he whispered. He loathed the question, fearing that the answer would elude him forever.
Dominic paused and then, very softly, he whispered his reply. "Maybe because it was time to make room for the one who could."
And then the sobs hit him like a truck, rising up from his spine and making his muscles clench as he choked out his breaths. He felt himself falling to his side, Dominic's arms catching him to pull him to his chest.
He hated to believe that Dominic was right, that there was someone who could love him more and better than Evan had. He didn't want to think of it, his heart utterly broken and yearning for the man who had crushed his happy dreams for the future. But then, as strong arms wrapped around him and pressed his shaking form to a steady heartbeat, he just let the tears fall in the comfort of a friend who seemed to know exactly what he needed at the moment.
Soothing words were whispered into his hair, drowned out completely by the heartbeat that he was sure was keeping him from drifting entirely into his depression. He clung like a child to Dominic, fisting his hands in the blonde's tee as he cried for an indiscernible amount of time. Dominic didn't seem to mind, holding him tightly and Matthew got the feeling that Dominic was willing himself to remove the emotions from him totally, as though he wished them on himself so that Matthew wouldn't suffer.
As his tears calmed and his choking sobs became little gasps of breath, he began to listen intently to Dominic's soothing words. His breath made soft hushing sounds, nose pressing gently into his hair, only to be replaced by his cheek as he held him in a comforting embrace. Matthew's focus drifted from the feeling the hug gave him, as though Dominic was looking to protect him from all harm in the world, to the sounds of Dominic hums, both causing his bleary eyes to droop.
In the soft whispers that Dominic gave him, he heard something that made his ears perk up, his heart to soar.
"Everything is fine, Bells."
Bells. It was beautiful.
He extracted himself slowly from Dominic's arms, wiping his cheeks with the front of his wrist as he gazed at Dom's and then to his shirt. He let out a laugh at how his tears had caused the fabric to dampen. "I'm sorry," he chuckled.
Dominic shrugged, a brilliant smile on his face. "It's fine." Matthew was sure the Spanish sun had made a home in that expression.
Looking down at his lap and then slowly back to Dominic, Matthew peered at him from under damp eyelashes as he asked, "Bells?"
A blush spread softly across Dom's cheeks and the blinding smile become a remarkably shy one. "I told you I wanted to give you a name no one has ever called you before."
Matthew smiled, his tired heart finding room in it to swell. "I like it."
I love it, he thought.