Screaming but I don't have the words
I was told today that the best way to get out of your own head is to write it down.
So i guess that is what I am trying to do. This is the second day of my dad's vacation, but he's not here, he's off with M camping near Lake Powell. Does this bother me? Yes. But not for the reasons you might think. First, i wasn't even asked if I wanted to go, I feel more like a roomate than a daughter most days. Second, I don't understand why he is putting up with M. Third, do I really need a third? I'm feeling so disconnected. I try and help so many people and in the end I'm not sure it even matters. I have cried almost all day today -- off and on over the stupidest things. My phone wasn't working properly when my mom called (the one thing a phone should do is recieve calls, mine was doing everything except that) Then a jar of olives wouldn't open (as I said really stupid thing to cry over) but it frustrated me which got me thinking about everything that is overwhelming me at the moment and well there you go. I'm supposed to be happy. Everyone says I should be. "look at all the cool things you are doing" "you don't have any worries" "you should be happy" then why do i feel so crappy all the time? Why do I want to curl into a ball most days and never wake up? Why did I stare at my wrist today wondering what it would feel like to plunge a knife into it and contemplate who would find me (no one for days...) Why do I have these feelings? And why when I thought about all my friends did I decide I really had no one I could call. Most would blow me off or tell me I should be happy. Tell me I can't possibly feel this way. I couldn't possibly be depressed. "What do you have to be depressed over?" I'm not sure that is how it works. You don't have to be depressed over something or someone...can't you just be depressed. It's getting easier to hide behind my smile and have no one actually know what I'm thinking and that's scary. I don't think anyone even realizes I feel this way and that I feel this way most days. I can't tell you how many days i have woken up and wished I hadn't. I want to talk to my grams worse than ever before. Even as i write this I know I won't show it to anyone, I never do. I don't trust anyone enough with my true feelings. I don't want to hear "you should be happy" anymore. I just stopped trying. Internally I'm battling something that is bigger than me, a voice telling me I'm worthless, a voice telling me a loser, a voice that tells me everyday that i'm not good enough. Strangely enough the voice sounds a lot like my father. I'm so messed up. Most of the time I wish I'd never been born. I deactivated my facebook today, I feel like maybe the articles are right and that being so "connected" is actually disconnecting us all. We no longer have to call to check up on each other we can just check a page and like a status and feel like we are connected, but that's not true. We aren't really connected, it's a false sense of connection. I want real connections.