Height of Insecurity - [Jackgyeom Oneshot]
A/N: Prompt was height difference
~~
Standing in front of the mirror, Jackson surveyed his figure critically with squinted eyes, weight shifting from side to side as he first crossed his arms, then uncrossed them. Unsatisfied, he twisted his snapback backwards, then sideways, then gave up altogether with a loud huff and threw it aside.
Almost immediately he ran to fetch it, placing it back on his head with a sigh. Nope, couldn’t ditch the snapback after all.
Technically, he was supposed to be practicing right now. He had a solo schedule later and would have to leave group practice early, which was why he’d come early to the practice rooms to run over a few moves he was still hazy on. Their dance coach had already left a few minutes ago, though, and Jackson knew the rest of his members wouldn’t be here for another half hour or so.
Somehow, practicing alone had turned into a self-appraisal session, courtesy of the giant, conveniently placed mirrors. As he repeated the choreography, he could quite vividly picture the other members dancing with him, moving into place around him.
Jaebum was always so powerful, putting every fibre of his being into each move. Jinyoung was more fluid, body gliding with more nuanced rhythms yet always matching the beat on every bass hit. Mark was light and precise, gaze sharp as his eyes would focus intently on their reflections in the mirror. Jackson could still remember when Youngjae used to flounder when he danced, limbs not yet wholly coordinated, but that had long since been a thing of the past. Now, Youngjae had found a stability that kept him grounded, and while his dancing was still perhaps nothing spectacular, he at the very least looked confident with his newfound charisma. And Bambam...Bambam was all limbs, sharp angles that still somehow managed to imitate a whip-like quality.
Then there was Yugyeom. Towering above them all, or maybe he just towered above Jackson, he seemed to have everything- strength, fluidity, spontaneity- but even more than that, the talent to pull it all together. He was the best freestyler, and everything just looked so easy, so natural for him, even though Jackson knew all too well about the sweat and tears that had been shed along the way.
And finally, Jackson looked at himself. He could see what the fans saw: stocky, muscular, strong. Powerful, even. And yet, his reflection still looked fuzzy somehow, lacking a definite edge that made him pop, or truly seem fit to stand alone.
Jackson tried to compensate for it by making his moves bigger, puffing out his chest more, being louder - quite literally magnifying every aspect of his presence as much as possible.
And yet, what seemed to stand out most was his too short legs, bumbling movements, his large head. Disproportioned, uncoordinated, incompetent.
Jackson huffed out a sigh, twisting his snapback around jerkily as he walked to turn off the music.
~~
“Hyung, you’re back!” Bambam greeted loudly from where was he perched on the couch with Coco halfway lifted into the air. A wary-looking Mark sat beside him, seemingly ready to snatch Coco away to safety at any given moment.
“Yep!” Jackson responded back, kicking off his shoes messily, knowing Jaebum would be on his back about it later, but at this point he was just too tired to care. The schedule he just finished filming had been pretty fun, given how it could’ve gone otherwise, but he was too tired at this point to care.
“How was it?” Youngjae asked from the corner, looking up briefly from his computer screen to shoot Jackson a smile.
“It was fine,” Jackson ended up responding somewhat more vaguely than usual, earning a second, slightly concerned glance from Youngjae. “Just tired.”
With that, Jackson dumped his bag next to the couch, padding off the kitchen to grab himself a cup of water.
Yugyeom was at the sink, grumpily scrubbing at a few dirty dishes and cups.
“Hey hyung,” he greeted, visibly sulking.
Somehow, with the image of his pouting dongsaeng in front of him, Jackson immediately felt his mood improve.
“Lose a game again?” Jackson asked smugly, walking over to drape an arm around Yugyeom’s waist.
“So what?” Yugyeom was immediately defensive, frowning down at Jackson. “If you were here you’d probably have lost instead.”
“Sure…” Jackson rolled his eyes, letting Yugyeom go to resume his mission of looking for water. He opened their cup cupboard, only to find there were no cups inside.
“Hey, where did the cups go? Why are all the bowls here?”
“Huh?” Yugyeom turned around to see what Jackson was talking about. “Oh, the cleaning ahjumma rearranged some stuff yesterday, I think cups are in the top right one now.”
“What wait why?” Jackson zeroed in on his new target cupboard, mood dipping again. “That’s so inconvenient!”
Yugyeom only shrugged.
“Dunno. You can ask her the next time she’s here. But it’s not that big of a deal…” Yugyeom slowly trailed off as Jackson walked towards said cupboard, reaching upwards, only to stop a good few inches short of the cupboard handle.
A moment of silence.
“HAHAHAHAHA JACKSON-HYUNG CAN’T REACH THE TOP CUPBOARD AHAHAHAHAHA-” Yugyeom nearly doubled over from laughter, his loud guffaws echoing off the walls of the kitchen.
Jackson’s face dropped.
It was amusing, it was funny. Yugyeom meant no harm, and heck, Jackson joked about these things all the time with the other members- be it Bambam’s ridiculous shoes, Jaebum’s angry face, or Jinyoung’s pettiness. It’d probably make him the biggest hypocrite of all time if he took this seriously now. But this particular day had left him with his insecurities already too close to the surface, and this was that metaphorical final straw on the camel’s back.
“It’s not even that funny,” Jackson finally said with a disgusted curl of his lip, shooting Yugyeom a dirty look before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
Yugyeom’s eyes widened with shock, breaking off suddenly with a cough as he choked on his laughter.
~~
Jackson regretted everything the moment he stepped outside of the kitchen, guilt and embarrassment rising up in increasing waves and he made a beeline for his bedroom, landing facedown on his mattress with a muffled groan of despair.
Stupid stupid stupid. God damn he was so stupid. Just because you’re upset and being an insecure idiot, doesn’t mean you can take it out on other people you i d i o t.
Jackson made another half-strangled noise as he pounded a fist into his sheets, brain working double-time in an attempt to see if there was a way for him to remedy the situation.
It had been a simple reflex, an unconscious lashing out due to the suppression of too many negative emotions throughout the day. Jackson was tired, because his head knew he had nothing to be insecure about. Or rather, he should have nothing to be insecure about. But his heart required more convincing, always pinging with doubt when he had to crane his neck to look up at others. When glimpsing the gazes of admiration and respect of the surrounding people, Jackson couldn’t help but wonder if it was truly a whole different world that they stared down upon. It was more than just height, honestly, as Jackson had always been hyper-aware of his appearance. Height, unfortunately, just happened to be one of the most glaring of his flaws.
Jackson was a firm believer that the stuff on the inside mattered most, but he couldn’t not care about how others viewed him, how others thought of him. Jackson had been born to please, constantly fighting against the notion that it was impossible to make everyone happy, despite knowing it was ultimately true. And it was this constant battle that was wearing him thin.
He could keep practicing his dance moves, he could hone his variety skills, he would lift weights and train his body. But his height, his overall physical appearance, those things were too late to alter.
Suddenly, two gentle knocks sounded on his door, pulling Jackson from the frenzied whirlwind that were his thoughts.
“Jackson-hyung?”
The voice was quiet and tentative, but it was undeniably Yugyeom’s and Jackson shot up so fast he banged his head on the bed post.
“Ahhhhhh,” Jackson winced, rubbing his head.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Yugyeom asked, clearly worried.
“Yes, yes! Yes, uh, come in!” Jackson said quickly, slipping off his bed to stand awkwardly instead. Yugyeom, too, looked awkward as he slowly opened the door, poking his head into the room tentatively first. Once he secured eye contact with Jackson, he smiled hesitantly, grateful, successfully making Jackson feel like a bigger jerk.
“Come in,” Jackson repeated and Yugyeom finally stepped inside gingerly, opening his mouth to speak but Jackson beat him to it.
“I’m sorry, Yugyeom-ah, I wasn’t...I wasn’t thinking straight,” Jackson blurted out, trying to blow it off with a laugh that came out much more weakly than planned. Yugyeom first look shocked, immediately followed by relief.
“No, it’s fine hyung, don’t worry about it,” he said quickly, eyes wide while shaking his head. “I…”
Yugyeom floundered for a bit, allowing Jackson to cut in again.
“Don’t worry about it, really, I was just, uh, tired?” Jackson could tell Yugyeom still hadn’t managed to wrap his mind around what had occurred, still bewildered by what exactly he’d done to set Jackson off, and he would much prefer it stay that way. “Seriously, I was being dumb, don’t worry, I’m all good!” Jackson managed a more genuine laugh this time, flashing his teeth in a wide grin.
“Okay…?” Yugyeom still looked relieved, but if anything he began to look increasingly confused, mind still working to try to come to a conclusion. “I, I’m sorry too.”
There was an awkward pause, a silence as they both grappled with the unspoken questions floating through the air.
Finally, Jackson zeroed in on the cup Yugyeom held in his hand, eyes widening.
Yugyeom followed Jackson’s slack-jawed stare to the object he held in his hand, and he immediately started, walking forward.
“Ah, hyung, you wanted a cup of water, right? I got it-”
Yugyeom broke off abruptly when Jackson visibly winced. Yugyeom’s brow furrowed with incomprehension at this action, before understanding finally dawned on him.
Jackson saw the moment everything clicked into place for Yugyeom, and he internally cursed how perceptive their maknae was. Panic and embarrassment flooded him as he stumbled backwards, nearly tripping on an errant sweatshirt.
Jackson wasn’t sure exactly what he’d expected Yugyeom to do, maybe tease him or- yeah, actually, probably just mercilessly tease the heck out of him. But whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t for him to set the cup of water down on the bedside table, and then promptly sit down on the carpet floor.
This left Jackson to be looking down on his dongsaeng, for once, and Jackson found the difference in perspective to be almost dizzying.
“Hyung, remember when I broke my ankle before debut, when working on martial arts tricking?” Yugyeom suddenly asked, head cocked to the side and tilted slightly upwards, his seemingly random question catching Jackson completely off guard.
“Y-Yeah?” he managed to stammer out.
“It was terrible,” Yugyeom said bluntly, voice soft and Jackson almost winced again, but something in Yugyeom’s gaze held him in place. “I was, I mean, it’s still embarrassing to admit it now but I cried so much after that. Alone, at night, but I still did. I was so scared that I was bringing the team down, or because of that I wouldn’t even make the team. That I’d just be cut from it all and left behind in the dust, because I wasn’t good enough.”
“Yugyeom-ah…” Jackson breathed out, taking an involuntary step forward but Yugyeom shook his head, eyes gentle as he looked imploringly at Jackson.
“I know, hyung. I know, but that’s how I felt at the time.”
“But then why are you suddenly, I mean, I’m sorry, but-” Jackson couldn’t figure out the right words to say, he didn’t know why Yugyeom was suddenly bringing this up now. But his heart still clenched when he thought of the younger boy at that time, how much he must’ve hurt, how much he must’ve been affected and feared for his future. How much he must’ve been infuriated with himself, wishing he was better despite it not being his fault.
“Because hyung, you’re good enough too.”
Yugyeom pushed himself off of the ground, standing once more to tower over Jackson. But this only lasted for a split second as Yugyeom immediately closed that distance in two quick strides, and Jackson soon found himself being enveloped into an embrace, his head tucked under the younger’s chin as long arms came to wrap around his torso.
Jackson stiffened, out of reflex, but relaxed as he felt Yugyeom exhale shakily from above him.
“Is this…?”
The unfinished question hung in the air and Jackson immediately understood what Yugyeom had left unsaid. With his cheek against Yugyeom’s warm chest, Jackson could feel the usual rush of embarrassment. He was the hyung, after all, and yet here was, being held by his dongsaeng like he was the child.
And yet. This was Yugyeom, their precious crybaby, despite his usual snarky comments and relentless teasing. This was Yugyeom, who worked just as hard as himself because of similar insecurities. This was Yugyeom, who despite his young age was already so incredibly perceptive, always emotionally in tune with those around him.
Jackson could hear Yugyeom’s heartbeat, just slightly faster than normal but still steady, strong. The way he was holding onto him- it wasn’t patronizing like how an adult may comfort a child. Rather, Yugyeom also seemed to be clinging to him as if he were a lifeline, unwilling to let go.
The embarrassment and discomfort slowly began to melt away as Jackson allowed himself to reciprocate the hug, no longer focusing the difference between their bodies. And when he did so, it became quite clear that Yugyeom’s solid presence was still indeed a comforting one. The way Jackson could be so entirely enveloped by the younger’s frame would’ve usually made him feel self-conscious, and so so small. And sure, maybe that feeling hadn’t completely disappeared. But his insecurities no longer raged within him quite so much, instead being calmed into a low burn, contained to a single dying ember. The all-encompassing warmth began to feel safe and secure, a feeling Jackson so intrinsically craved.
Settling into his own skin and feeling more comfortable in it than in a long time, Jackson exhaled slowly, eyes slipping shut.
“Yeah. This is fine.”