Jump the Track: Chapter 11 (part 1)
Title - Jump the Track
Chapter - 11 (part 1)
Author - lafleurdumal85
Rating - NC-17
Summary - High school AU. It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.
Chapter warnings - language, angst, post-coital snuggling
Spoilers - References to characters from seasons 1-6. Apart from that, it's completely AU.
When Dean woke up, he was cold. His muscles were cramped and his right arm had gone to sleep, but he was still lying in Castiel’s arms so it was perfect. The room was grey with milky morning light, and Dean wondered what time it was. He knew he was going to be in trouble with John for staying out all night, but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care.
He moved closer to Cas for warmth, his face buried in the other boy’s neck. Dean smiled. He hadn’t felt this contented since he’d been a kid. Castiel sighed deeply, stirring out of sleep, his arms tightening around Dean.
Dean pressed his lips to the pulse point on Castiel’s throat, kissing at the steady thrum of blood through veins. Castiel was alive and real and right there. He was a person who could think and feel and choose, and he had chosen to be right here with Dean. Dean was wanted and loved by another person, a person who wasn’t his family, who didn’t have to love him. It felt like a miracle.
Cas made a contented humming noise.
“You awake?” Dean whispered.
“Yes.”
Dean kissed his way up Castiel’s jawline, but Cas turned his head away. “I have morning breath.”
Dean chuckled. “Me too, actually.” He contented himself with nuzzling against Castiel’s collarbone. When he had more time, and more room for that matter, he was going to have a field day with Cas’s body. Sex had had nothing to do with intimacy before. Even with Cassie he’d tried to keep the cuddling to a bare minimum; it just made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. He felt safe with Castiel. It was exciting and new, and Dean was terrified that someone was going to take it from him. Castiel snuggled closer, trying to find more warmth in Dean, and Dean pulled the blanket up, wishing that he could keep them both here, like this, forever.
“Sex isn’t like that, you know,” he blurted out, hooking a leg over Castiel’s.
“Isn’t like... what?”
Dean lifted his head to look at the other boy. “Like what we did last night.” Dean laughed at Castiel’s confused face. “I mean, it’s... it’s not normally like that. Trust me. What we did last night was... it was like platinum edition sex. I mean, it was the sex equivalent of, like, that thousand dollar cheeseburger you can get in New York that has bits of gold in it or something. Regular sex is just, you know, like the kind of cheeseburger you get at McDonalds. You know, it’s okay, but it doesn’t have bits of gold in it. It’s not thousand-dollar-cheeseburger sex. I’m just sayin’ that, you know, if you think that it’s gonna be like that with anyone else, you’re wrong. I mean, there really wouldn’t be any point in checking.”
Castiel tried not to laugh. “Dean, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay. Good. Just so we’re clear.”
Castiel nodded seriously. “Thousand-dollar-cheeseburger sex. Got it.”
Dean folded his arms across Cas’s chest and rested his chin on them. “My dad’s gonna kill me.”
Castiel’s eyes widened slightly. “Does he know you’re with me?”
“No. Well, I told him, but he thought I was lying because I wanted to go to a party or something.”
Castiel laughed softly. “You really can’t win, can you?”
“I really can’t.”
“I just... thought you might have told them.”
“Nah. I said I wouldn’t.”
“I know, but...” Castiel shifted a little uncomfortably. I suppose I’m... I’m just sick of hiding everything all the time.”
“Me too.” Dean wasn’t sure that he liked where this conversation was leading. It was one thing to imagine being out in the open with Castiel, but the reality would be quite different he was sure. And he didn’t think he was ready to deal with it just yet. He distracted Cas by pouncing on him and kissing him and kissing him until they fell off the couch together.
Castiel was laughing. “Dean Winchester, you are a child.”
“Mm-hm.”
Castiel sighed and let his head fall back. “I wish we didn’t have to leave.”
“You could always come stay at my place.”
Castiel’s face was expressionless for a minute, and then he shook his head. “I have to deal with them. They’re my family.”
Dean tried to quell his disappointment. Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair, his eyes faraway.
“You okay?” Dean asked.
A small smile. “Yes. I mean, I’m worried about going home, and I don’t know what’s going to happen about college, but I... I feel... I don’t know!” He laughed softly. “I feel kind of like I’m floating.”
Dean kissed him on his neck, on his chin, finally capturing his bottom lip between his teeth and biting gently. It was still a little overwhelming, all that naked skin against his. And it wasn’t even that Dean hadn’t been naked with someone else before, it was just that it was so intimate this time, and that was something completely new. They looked at each other in undisguised wonder. It had been almost too much, like together they’d experienced something bigger than themselves, like they were the first people to discover sex.
“I can drive you home,” Dean whispered. If they didn’t force themselves to get up soon, he suspected that they never would.
Castiel groaned. “All right. I suppose I should get this over with.”
Dean kissed him again briefly, and they set about finding their clothes and pulling them on. Dean’s stomach rumbled loudly, and it occurred to him that he hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. He’d have to stop off somewhere on his way to the garage for some breakfast.
Castiel was quiet in the car, and Dean could feel him withdrawing further and further the closer they got to his house. Like he was folding back into himself, becoming that strange, alien boy Dean had met back in October. It hurt him to see it, after he’d watched Castiel unfurl himself in Dean’s company, learn to express himself, learn to let himself feel.
He stopped at the end of Cas’s driveway. “You don’t have to do this.”
“They’re my family,” Castiel said heavily. “Of course I have to do this. I have to at least try to resolve things.”
Dean nodded. He couldn’t explain why he was suddenly so nervous, feeling like he just wanted to turn the car around and drive away as fast as he could, not stopping until he’d taken them somewhere safe, where he could hide with Castiel under cool sheets and hold him fast, so that no one could ever hurt them again. He was afraid to let Castiel out of his sight.
Castiel was toying anxiously with the sleeve of his trenchcoat.
Dean reached over and grabbed his hand. “You know where I am if you need me.”
Castiel kissed him then, hard, brutal almost, dragging Dean across the car towards him, nails digging into the skin of his neck, teeth biting down just hard enough to draw a little blood. And then he was gone, and Dean was left bruised and breathless and bereft. He watched Castiel walk away until he was out of sight.
...
“So you’ve seen fit to show up then,” John grunted at Dean when he arrived at the garage.
“Yes, Sir.”
Dean wished that his dad would say something instead of just staring at him like that, disappointment etched across his face.
“You could’ve at least called, Dean,” he said eventually. “I expected better from you.”
Dean tried not to wince. “I’m sorry.”
John nodded. “Better get to work, then.”
Dean turns away, shame crawling in his stomach. He almost would have preferred if his dad had yelled at him. This silent disappointment was so much worse. Like John wasn’t even surprised anymore.
Dean worked badly. He was usually at his best when he was at the auto shop, but that day he was just off. He couldn’t stop thinking about Castiel, wondering what he was doing, hoping that he was okay. Then he’d start thinking about the previous night, and he’d have to check himself before he got too worked up.
“Just go home, Dean!” John had told him after Dean had actually managed to start a small fire. “You’re more trouble than you’re worth today.”
“I’m sorry, Dad.” Dean’s shoulders slumped. Today sucked.
John’s hand was heavy and steadying on his shoulder, and Dean found the courage to look at his father. To his surprise, John didn’t look angry.
“Go home,” he repeated, gently this time. He chuckled. “You know, you could’ve told me the truth about where you were going last night.”
Dean’s eyes widened slightly with alarm. “Huh?”
“Come on, Dean, you were with your mystery girlfriend. You’re covered in hickeys again. What the hell was all that bull about going to meet up with Cas?”
Dean laughed awkwardly. “Right. Busted.”
“Why are you being so secretive anyway? She’s not one of your teachers or anything, is she?”
“No nothing like that.”
John rolls his eyes. “Fine, don’t tell me. Just go home and get some sleep, and for Christ’s sake, take a shower. You smell like sex.”
Dean practically ran for the Impala, his face burning, the sound of his dad’s laughter ringing in his ears.
...
Dean had been feeling increasingly anxious all weekend. He’d received one text from Castiel on Saturday evening saying that things were okay and they’d talk on Monday, and he’d known better than to reply. He wasn’t sure how much trouble Cas was in, or how closely he was being watched. Still, it looked like Cas would be allowed to return to school in spite of his flirtation with rebellion, so that was something.
There was no opportunity to talk in home room. Castiel arrived late, and only briefly met Dean’s eye, giving him a small nod.
“You wanna go talk to him?” Jo whispered.
Dean shook his head. “Too many people. We’ll talk after.”
But then Cas hurried out of the room for his first class, not even looking at Dean. It was weird, but he supposed Cas must have his reasons. At least Dean knew he was okay. A little pale and tired looking perhaps, but fundamentally okay.
Castiel finally caught up with him after English. “I’ll talk to you later,” he whispered urgently. “I’ll meet you by your locker at the end of school.” He fixed Dean with that intense gaze of his, like he was trying to communicate telepathically.
Dean nodded, knowing that it was pointless to try and get anything out of Cas now. He’d just have to wait. It made the anxiety stir in his chest again, the urgency in Castiel’s eyes.
Pam took one look at Dean at lunchtime and burst out laughing. “So you and Cas finally went the full enchilada, then?”
Dean looked at her in mild horror. “The full what? I’m seriously concerned about where you’re getting your euphemisms from, Barnes.”
Ash snorted with laughter.
Pam bumped him with her shoulder. “Come on, Dean, I’m happy for you. Never thought I’d see the day when you actually got serious over someone.”
“Me either,” Dean confessed.
“So you think he’s the one?” Pam asked, never one to beat about the bush.
Dean glanced around, checking that no one beside his three friends could hear. “I dunno. I don’t even know what the one means, but he’s... All I know is, he makes me feel like I’m-”
Jo made a loud gagging noise. “Enough with the sap, Dean! Some of us are trying to eat here.”
Dean kicked her under the table. “I’m not taking that from someone who thinks REO Speedwagon are a classic rock band.”
“REO Speedwagon are awesome and you know it.”
“You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”
Jo rolled her eyes. “Dean, we all know you sing REO in the shower. Accept it, embrace it, own it. Think of the band as a metaphor for your burgeoning homosexuality.”
Dean made an unattractive snorting noise. “Please. Being gay is way cooler than that.”
“So things are good, then,” Pam interrupted loudly. “With you and Cas.”
Dean nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, really good.”
She frowned. “But?”
“Nothing. I mean, I think he’s kinda in trouble for staying out all night Friday. His family are being shitty about him going to college, you know? He wants to talk to me later, seemed pretty serious about it.”
“Can’t be that bad if he’s here,” Ash pointed out.
Dean tended to agree, but he wasn’t going to relax until he’d actually talked to Cas about it. Cas hadn’t talked to any of them all day, and that was just weird. Something was definitely up.
The afternoon dragged by. At least Dean only had Woodshop and Gym, so it wasn’t like he actually needed to concentrate. He ran through possible scenarios in his head, each one more worrying than the last. When he landed on the possibility of Cas being told that he had to marry some distant cousin and never being able to see Dean again, he made himself stop. Jo was right - he needed to man up already.
Castiel was already waiting by his locker by the time Dean got there.
“What the hell took you?” he hissed, glaring up at Dean.
“Sorry, I had to shower. What’s up?”
Castiel looked around, like they were doing something illicit. “Pretend I’m just giving you back some books,” he said, his voice just a low rumble that Dean had to strain to hear. He handed over the Chem textbook they used to work on together, and Dean dutifully took it and opened up his locker.
“What’s with the covert operations?” he muttered.
Castiel wouldn’t look at him. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who might be paying attention. My... my uncle has let me return to school until I graduate, but he’s monitoring me very closely. I suspect that he’s asked people to watch me while I’m here. He’s... he doesn’t want me to see you anymore.”
Dean’s stomach lurched. “He knows?”
“No.” Cas laughed humourlessly. “I wouldn’t be here if he knew. He just... he thinks you’ve been a bad influence. Encouraging me to think for myself. To neglect my duty. Needless to say, college is still vetoed.”
Dean took a deep, steadying breath. “So what do we do?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
Castiel sounded so lost, and Dean felt desperate with the need to hold him. He hated everyone, hated them for not leaving the two of them alone, for just not letting them be.
“They can’t do anything though, right?” he whispered, pretending to find something in his locker very interesting. “They can’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”
“No,” Cas sighed. “But I can’t give up without a fight. There has to be some middle ground, there has to be some way of reasoning with Zachariah. If I can just get him to give me my father’s contact details at least, I might be able to fix things. If I can just, I don’t know, persuade my father to come home, to talk to Michael and Zachariah, maybe things will be okay.”
Dean didn’t want to voice his opinion that he didn’t think it was going to work out that way. “Are you okay?” he asked. “I’ve been really worried about you, Cas.”
Castiel didn’t answer at first. “I don’t know. It’s... I haven’t wanted to talk to you about it. I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t want you to think... It’s difficult to explain about my family. You know, how we work. I realize you probably won’t understand why it’s so important, why I have to save them, but-”
“Of course I understand!” Dean protested a little too loudly, making Castiel wince. “I understand,” he repeated more quietly. “I’d do anything for my family, believe me, and I get that they’ve been pretty much your whole world until a few months ago. But the thing is, Cas, family is more than flesh and blood, you know? Sometimes people don’t deserve to be called family, they don’t deserve your time. You have to earn that. And... and I hate it. I hate watching you burn yourself out fighting for people who have done nothing for you, and... And there are people who love you, who want you to be happy, and...” He broke off, frustrated.
Castiel took a deep breath. “I don’t expect you to understand,” he said again. “I just need to know that you’ll wait. You will wait, won’t you, Dean? I don’t know what this is going to take, but you will just let me try once more?”
Dean had been about to reply, when someone grabbed his arm from behind and spun him around.
“What the hell is going on with you, Winchester?” Lisa Braeden demanded.
“Uh, hey, Lisa.” Dean was very much aware of Castiel beside him, and he felt his face heating up, thinking that the girl could not have picked a worse time. He just hoped that he could diffuse the situation before it got too awkward.
“You haven’t returned any of my calls.” Lisa crossed her arms and looked up at him accusingly.
“I’ve been busy. You know, finals and shit.”
“Dean, that’s such bull. Look, can’t you just be straight with me?”
Dean kind of wanted to start laughing hysterically. Oh, the irony.
“I like you, okay?” Lisa said. “I’ve liked you for a while, and I’ve been hanging on and hanging on, hoping that you’ll come around. I thought that maybe we could have something after that night in your car, but you’ve just been avoiding me, and I... Can you just let me know one way or another so that I can stop wasting my time? Either you like me or you don’t.”
“Of course I like you!” Dean blurted out.
“Then what the hell, Dean? I’ve asked you to prom, and you made some excuse about having to work. I’ve asked you to come with me to the game, and you had to study. I even asked if you wanted to meet my parents, but all you want to do is hang out with some weirdo in a dirty trenchcoat when you could be getting laid! Do you have any idea how many guys at this school would kill to take me out?”
Dean grew hot with anger at the way she was talking about Castiel, but he knew that he couldn’t call her on it. Not when he and Cas were trying to keep under the radar. “Look, sweetheart,” he said with an easy grin. “We’ve had some amazing times, but I didn’t think there was anything else to it. You know me. You knew not to expect anything.”
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “Yeah, you seem to have trouble committing to any woman, Dean. Was it really a matter of lying back, closing your eyes and thinking of Brad Pitt? Seriously,” her eyes flickered from Castiel and back to Dean again, “are you two gay together or something?”
Dean’s stomach flip-flopped, and he was suddenly very aware of how many students had stopped to listen to their conversation. He did the first think he could think of: he burst out laughing. “Are you kidding me? Me and Cas? Come on, babe, just because I’m not hung up on you it doesn’t mean that I’m batting for the other team all of a sudden! Seriously, that’s ridiculous.”
Lisa made a huffing noise and walked off. Dean waited until people had stopped looking at him, and then turned back to Cas, possibly to laugh over how up herself Lisa had gotten. But Cas wasn’t there anymore. Dean looked around, bemused, until he caught sight of the other boy marching away from him down the corridor towards the main exit.
Dean rolled his eyes, wondering what new weirdness was going on with him now. They hadn’t anywhere near finished their conversation, and there was no way in hell Dean was going to be left hanging like that. He shoved his textbooks in his locker and set off in pursuit of Castiel.
Dean finally caught up with him in the school parking lot. “Cas!” he panted. “What the hell?”
Castiel rounded on him furiously. “What the hell do you think?” he yelled.
“What... cause of Lisa? Dude, we said we were keeping this quiet! Come on, I was just kidding around with her to get her off our backs. What do you want from me?”
Castiel laughed derisively. “Dean, don’t even try to pretend that you’re doing this out of consideration for me. You don’t want to spoil your precious reputation. I mean, is that really what our relationship is to you? Ridiculous? How the hell do you think it made me feel, hearing you laughing at the thought of being with me with... with her?”
Dean kind of felt like he was going to throw up. “Cas, I just... I can’t...”
“I’m never going to be enough for you, am I?”
“What? Cas, how the fuck can you say that to me?”
“Because you can’t just... you know that what we have is better than anything you’ve had before. You know that no one is ever going to love you as much as I do. You know that. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough to make you man up and... and just own it instead of protecting your damn reputation! Today of all days, I just needed to know that someone wanted me. I just needed someone to want me, and...”
Dean took a step forward, desperate. “Cas, I... I wasn’t even thinking.”
Castiel shook his head, stepping away from him. “You never do, Dean. That’s the problem.”
“Cas...”
“No.” Castiel held up a hand, blocking him. “Just... no. Not now.” He laughed bitterly. “I suppose I should thank you for making it so easy to follow my uncle’s orders.”
Dean tried to grab him, hold him back, make him stop and listen, but Castiel pushed him away so roughly that he tripped and fell to the ground.
Cas towered over him, his eyes cold and furious. “Do you have any idea how sick I am of this? Of constantly trying to fix things? I am trying so damn hard, Dean, and it’s never enough for you. I’ll always be your dirty little secret, won’t I?”
“The hell, Cas?” Dean gasped. “That’s not even... You wanted it to be secret!”
“Ridiculous!” Castiel shouted. “That’s what you called it! A simple no would have sufficed, Dean! You laughed at it. I have given you everything you wanted from me. Everything. And this is what you give me in return? You don’t want to want me, do you? You don’t want any of this. It’s too complicated and messy and dangerous for you. You want a simple, apple pie life with someone like her, you want to be Mr All American, with a house and a pretty wife and pretty children, and you hate that you’ve fallen for me. You hate that you want me. You wish it was different. You might have feelings for me, but deep down you know you shouldn’t. You hate it. And that’s not... I’d rather not have you at all than have you be ashamed of it.”
“Cas...” Dean felt like all the air had been punched out of him.
“No. Just... just stay away from me, Dean.”
Dean watched as Castiel stalked away from him, feeling like the sky was caving in on him.
Once again, I've managed to write a ridiculously long chapter that needed to be split in two. The second half is here.
Chapter - 11 (part 1)
Author - lafleurdumal85
Rating - NC-17
Summary - High school AU. It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.
Chapter warnings - language, angst, post-coital snuggling
Spoilers - References to characters from seasons 1-6. Apart from that, it's completely AU.
When Dean woke up, he was cold. His muscles were cramped and his right arm had gone to sleep, but he was still lying in Castiel’s arms so it was perfect. The room was grey with milky morning light, and Dean wondered what time it was. He knew he was going to be in trouble with John for staying out all night, but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care.
He moved closer to Cas for warmth, his face buried in the other boy’s neck. Dean smiled. He hadn’t felt this contented since he’d been a kid. Castiel sighed deeply, stirring out of sleep, his arms tightening around Dean.
Dean pressed his lips to the pulse point on Castiel’s throat, kissing at the steady thrum of blood through veins. Castiel was alive and real and right there. He was a person who could think and feel and choose, and he had chosen to be right here with Dean. Dean was wanted and loved by another person, a person who wasn’t his family, who didn’t have to love him. It felt like a miracle.
Cas made a contented humming noise.
“You awake?” Dean whispered.
“Yes.”
Dean kissed his way up Castiel’s jawline, but Cas turned his head away. “I have morning breath.”
Dean chuckled. “Me too, actually.” He contented himself with nuzzling against Castiel’s collarbone. When he had more time, and more room for that matter, he was going to have a field day with Cas’s body. Sex had had nothing to do with intimacy before. Even with Cassie he’d tried to keep the cuddling to a bare minimum; it just made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. He felt safe with Castiel. It was exciting and new, and Dean was terrified that someone was going to take it from him. Castiel snuggled closer, trying to find more warmth in Dean, and Dean pulled the blanket up, wishing that he could keep them both here, like this, forever.
“Sex isn’t like that, you know,” he blurted out, hooking a leg over Castiel’s.
“Isn’t like... what?”
Dean lifted his head to look at the other boy. “Like what we did last night.” Dean laughed at Castiel’s confused face. “I mean, it’s... it’s not normally like that. Trust me. What we did last night was... it was like platinum edition sex. I mean, it was the sex equivalent of, like, that thousand dollar cheeseburger you can get in New York that has bits of gold in it or something. Regular sex is just, you know, like the kind of cheeseburger you get at McDonalds. You know, it’s okay, but it doesn’t have bits of gold in it. It’s not thousand-dollar-cheeseburger sex. I’m just sayin’ that, you know, if you think that it’s gonna be like that with anyone else, you’re wrong. I mean, there really wouldn’t be any point in checking.”
Castiel tried not to laugh. “Dean, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay. Good. Just so we’re clear.”
Castiel nodded seriously. “Thousand-dollar-cheeseburger sex. Got it.”
Dean folded his arms across Cas’s chest and rested his chin on them. “My dad’s gonna kill me.”
Castiel’s eyes widened slightly. “Does he know you’re with me?”
“No. Well, I told him, but he thought I was lying because I wanted to go to a party or something.”
Castiel laughed softly. “You really can’t win, can you?”
“I really can’t.”
“I just... thought you might have told them.”
“Nah. I said I wouldn’t.”
“I know, but...” Castiel shifted a little uncomfortably. I suppose I’m... I’m just sick of hiding everything all the time.”
“Me too.” Dean wasn’t sure that he liked where this conversation was leading. It was one thing to imagine being out in the open with Castiel, but the reality would be quite different he was sure. And he didn’t think he was ready to deal with it just yet. He distracted Cas by pouncing on him and kissing him and kissing him until they fell off the couch together.
Castiel was laughing. “Dean Winchester, you are a child.”
“Mm-hm.”
Castiel sighed and let his head fall back. “I wish we didn’t have to leave.”
“You could always come stay at my place.”
Castiel’s face was expressionless for a minute, and then he shook his head. “I have to deal with them. They’re my family.”
Dean tried to quell his disappointment. Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair, his eyes faraway.
“You okay?” Dean asked.
A small smile. “Yes. I mean, I’m worried about going home, and I don’t know what’s going to happen about college, but I... I feel... I don’t know!” He laughed softly. “I feel kind of like I’m floating.”
Dean kissed him on his neck, on his chin, finally capturing his bottom lip between his teeth and biting gently. It was still a little overwhelming, all that naked skin against his. And it wasn’t even that Dean hadn’t been naked with someone else before, it was just that it was so intimate this time, and that was something completely new. They looked at each other in undisguised wonder. It had been almost too much, like together they’d experienced something bigger than themselves, like they were the first people to discover sex.
“I can drive you home,” Dean whispered. If they didn’t force themselves to get up soon, he suspected that they never would.
Castiel groaned. “All right. I suppose I should get this over with.”
Dean kissed him again briefly, and they set about finding their clothes and pulling them on. Dean’s stomach rumbled loudly, and it occurred to him that he hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. He’d have to stop off somewhere on his way to the garage for some breakfast.
Castiel was quiet in the car, and Dean could feel him withdrawing further and further the closer they got to his house. Like he was folding back into himself, becoming that strange, alien boy Dean had met back in October. It hurt him to see it, after he’d watched Castiel unfurl himself in Dean’s company, learn to express himself, learn to let himself feel.
He stopped at the end of Cas’s driveway. “You don’t have to do this.”
“They’re my family,” Castiel said heavily. “Of course I have to do this. I have to at least try to resolve things.”
Dean nodded. He couldn’t explain why he was suddenly so nervous, feeling like he just wanted to turn the car around and drive away as fast as he could, not stopping until he’d taken them somewhere safe, where he could hide with Castiel under cool sheets and hold him fast, so that no one could ever hurt them again. He was afraid to let Castiel out of his sight.
Castiel was toying anxiously with the sleeve of his trenchcoat.
Dean reached over and grabbed his hand. “You know where I am if you need me.”
Castiel kissed him then, hard, brutal almost, dragging Dean across the car towards him, nails digging into the skin of his neck, teeth biting down just hard enough to draw a little blood. And then he was gone, and Dean was left bruised and breathless and bereft. He watched Castiel walk away until he was out of sight.
...
“So you’ve seen fit to show up then,” John grunted at Dean when he arrived at the garage.
“Yes, Sir.”
Dean wished that his dad would say something instead of just staring at him like that, disappointment etched across his face.
“You could’ve at least called, Dean,” he said eventually. “I expected better from you.”
Dean tried not to wince. “I’m sorry.”
John nodded. “Better get to work, then.”
Dean turns away, shame crawling in his stomach. He almost would have preferred if his dad had yelled at him. This silent disappointment was so much worse. Like John wasn’t even surprised anymore.
Dean worked badly. He was usually at his best when he was at the auto shop, but that day he was just off. He couldn’t stop thinking about Castiel, wondering what he was doing, hoping that he was okay. Then he’d start thinking about the previous night, and he’d have to check himself before he got too worked up.
“Just go home, Dean!” John had told him after Dean had actually managed to start a small fire. “You’re more trouble than you’re worth today.”
“I’m sorry, Dad.” Dean’s shoulders slumped. Today sucked.
John’s hand was heavy and steadying on his shoulder, and Dean found the courage to look at his father. To his surprise, John didn’t look angry.
“Go home,” he repeated, gently this time. He chuckled. “You know, you could’ve told me the truth about where you were going last night.”
Dean’s eyes widened slightly with alarm. “Huh?”
“Come on, Dean, you were with your mystery girlfriend. You’re covered in hickeys again. What the hell was all that bull about going to meet up with Cas?”
Dean laughed awkwardly. “Right. Busted.”
“Why are you being so secretive anyway? She’s not one of your teachers or anything, is she?”
“No nothing like that.”
John rolls his eyes. “Fine, don’t tell me. Just go home and get some sleep, and for Christ’s sake, take a shower. You smell like sex.”
Dean practically ran for the Impala, his face burning, the sound of his dad’s laughter ringing in his ears.
...
Dean had been feeling increasingly anxious all weekend. He’d received one text from Castiel on Saturday evening saying that things were okay and they’d talk on Monday, and he’d known better than to reply. He wasn’t sure how much trouble Cas was in, or how closely he was being watched. Still, it looked like Cas would be allowed to return to school in spite of his flirtation with rebellion, so that was something.
There was no opportunity to talk in home room. Castiel arrived late, and only briefly met Dean’s eye, giving him a small nod.
“You wanna go talk to him?” Jo whispered.
Dean shook his head. “Too many people. We’ll talk after.”
But then Cas hurried out of the room for his first class, not even looking at Dean. It was weird, but he supposed Cas must have his reasons. At least Dean knew he was okay. A little pale and tired looking perhaps, but fundamentally okay.
Castiel finally caught up with him after English. “I’ll talk to you later,” he whispered urgently. “I’ll meet you by your locker at the end of school.” He fixed Dean with that intense gaze of his, like he was trying to communicate telepathically.
Dean nodded, knowing that it was pointless to try and get anything out of Cas now. He’d just have to wait. It made the anxiety stir in his chest again, the urgency in Castiel’s eyes.
Pam took one look at Dean at lunchtime and burst out laughing. “So you and Cas finally went the full enchilada, then?”
Dean looked at her in mild horror. “The full what? I’m seriously concerned about where you’re getting your euphemisms from, Barnes.”
Ash snorted with laughter.
Pam bumped him with her shoulder. “Come on, Dean, I’m happy for you. Never thought I’d see the day when you actually got serious over someone.”
“Me either,” Dean confessed.
“So you think he’s the one?” Pam asked, never one to beat about the bush.
Dean glanced around, checking that no one beside his three friends could hear. “I dunno. I don’t even know what the one means, but he’s... All I know is, he makes me feel like I’m-”
Jo made a loud gagging noise. “Enough with the sap, Dean! Some of us are trying to eat here.”
Dean kicked her under the table. “I’m not taking that from someone who thinks REO Speedwagon are a classic rock band.”
“REO Speedwagon are awesome and you know it.”
“You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”
Jo rolled her eyes. “Dean, we all know you sing REO in the shower. Accept it, embrace it, own it. Think of the band as a metaphor for your burgeoning homosexuality.”
Dean made an unattractive snorting noise. “Please. Being gay is way cooler than that.”
“So things are good, then,” Pam interrupted loudly. “With you and Cas.”
Dean nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, really good.”
She frowned. “But?”
“Nothing. I mean, I think he’s kinda in trouble for staying out all night Friday. His family are being shitty about him going to college, you know? He wants to talk to me later, seemed pretty serious about it.”
“Can’t be that bad if he’s here,” Ash pointed out.
Dean tended to agree, but he wasn’t going to relax until he’d actually talked to Cas about it. Cas hadn’t talked to any of them all day, and that was just weird. Something was definitely up.
The afternoon dragged by. At least Dean only had Woodshop and Gym, so it wasn’t like he actually needed to concentrate. He ran through possible scenarios in his head, each one more worrying than the last. When he landed on the possibility of Cas being told that he had to marry some distant cousin and never being able to see Dean again, he made himself stop. Jo was right - he needed to man up already.
Castiel was already waiting by his locker by the time Dean got there.
“What the hell took you?” he hissed, glaring up at Dean.
“Sorry, I had to shower. What’s up?”
Castiel looked around, like they were doing something illicit. “Pretend I’m just giving you back some books,” he said, his voice just a low rumble that Dean had to strain to hear. He handed over the Chem textbook they used to work on together, and Dean dutifully took it and opened up his locker.
“What’s with the covert operations?” he muttered.
Castiel wouldn’t look at him. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who might be paying attention. My... my uncle has let me return to school until I graduate, but he’s monitoring me very closely. I suspect that he’s asked people to watch me while I’m here. He’s... he doesn’t want me to see you anymore.”
Dean’s stomach lurched. “He knows?”
“No.” Cas laughed humourlessly. “I wouldn’t be here if he knew. He just... he thinks you’ve been a bad influence. Encouraging me to think for myself. To neglect my duty. Needless to say, college is still vetoed.”
Dean took a deep, steadying breath. “So what do we do?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
Castiel sounded so lost, and Dean felt desperate with the need to hold him. He hated everyone, hated them for not leaving the two of them alone, for just not letting them be.
“They can’t do anything though, right?” he whispered, pretending to find something in his locker very interesting. “They can’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”
“No,” Cas sighed. “But I can’t give up without a fight. There has to be some middle ground, there has to be some way of reasoning with Zachariah. If I can just get him to give me my father’s contact details at least, I might be able to fix things. If I can just, I don’t know, persuade my father to come home, to talk to Michael and Zachariah, maybe things will be okay.”
Dean didn’t want to voice his opinion that he didn’t think it was going to work out that way. “Are you okay?” he asked. “I’ve been really worried about you, Cas.”
Castiel didn’t answer at first. “I don’t know. It’s... I haven’t wanted to talk to you about it. I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t want you to think... It’s difficult to explain about my family. You know, how we work. I realize you probably won’t understand why it’s so important, why I have to save them, but-”
“Of course I understand!” Dean protested a little too loudly, making Castiel wince. “I understand,” he repeated more quietly. “I’d do anything for my family, believe me, and I get that they’ve been pretty much your whole world until a few months ago. But the thing is, Cas, family is more than flesh and blood, you know? Sometimes people don’t deserve to be called family, they don’t deserve your time. You have to earn that. And... and I hate it. I hate watching you burn yourself out fighting for people who have done nothing for you, and... And there are people who love you, who want you to be happy, and...” He broke off, frustrated.
Castiel took a deep breath. “I don’t expect you to understand,” he said again. “I just need to know that you’ll wait. You will wait, won’t you, Dean? I don’t know what this is going to take, but you will just let me try once more?”
Dean had been about to reply, when someone grabbed his arm from behind and spun him around.
“What the hell is going on with you, Winchester?” Lisa Braeden demanded.
“Uh, hey, Lisa.” Dean was very much aware of Castiel beside him, and he felt his face heating up, thinking that the girl could not have picked a worse time. He just hoped that he could diffuse the situation before it got too awkward.
“You haven’t returned any of my calls.” Lisa crossed her arms and looked up at him accusingly.
“I’ve been busy. You know, finals and shit.”
“Dean, that’s such bull. Look, can’t you just be straight with me?”
Dean kind of wanted to start laughing hysterically. Oh, the irony.
“I like you, okay?” Lisa said. “I’ve liked you for a while, and I’ve been hanging on and hanging on, hoping that you’ll come around. I thought that maybe we could have something after that night in your car, but you’ve just been avoiding me, and I... Can you just let me know one way or another so that I can stop wasting my time? Either you like me or you don’t.”
“Of course I like you!” Dean blurted out.
“Then what the hell, Dean? I’ve asked you to prom, and you made some excuse about having to work. I’ve asked you to come with me to the game, and you had to study. I even asked if you wanted to meet my parents, but all you want to do is hang out with some weirdo in a dirty trenchcoat when you could be getting laid! Do you have any idea how many guys at this school would kill to take me out?”
Dean grew hot with anger at the way she was talking about Castiel, but he knew that he couldn’t call her on it. Not when he and Cas were trying to keep under the radar. “Look, sweetheart,” he said with an easy grin. “We’ve had some amazing times, but I didn’t think there was anything else to it. You know me. You knew not to expect anything.”
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “Yeah, you seem to have trouble committing to any woman, Dean. Was it really a matter of lying back, closing your eyes and thinking of Brad Pitt? Seriously,” her eyes flickered from Castiel and back to Dean again, “are you two gay together or something?”
Dean’s stomach flip-flopped, and he was suddenly very aware of how many students had stopped to listen to their conversation. He did the first think he could think of: he burst out laughing. “Are you kidding me? Me and Cas? Come on, babe, just because I’m not hung up on you it doesn’t mean that I’m batting for the other team all of a sudden! Seriously, that’s ridiculous.”
Lisa made a huffing noise and walked off. Dean waited until people had stopped looking at him, and then turned back to Cas, possibly to laugh over how up herself Lisa had gotten. But Cas wasn’t there anymore. Dean looked around, bemused, until he caught sight of the other boy marching away from him down the corridor towards the main exit.
Dean rolled his eyes, wondering what new weirdness was going on with him now. They hadn’t anywhere near finished their conversation, and there was no way in hell Dean was going to be left hanging like that. He shoved his textbooks in his locker and set off in pursuit of Castiel.
Dean finally caught up with him in the school parking lot. “Cas!” he panted. “What the hell?”
Castiel rounded on him furiously. “What the hell do you think?” he yelled.
“What... cause of Lisa? Dude, we said we were keeping this quiet! Come on, I was just kidding around with her to get her off our backs. What do you want from me?”
Castiel laughed derisively. “Dean, don’t even try to pretend that you’re doing this out of consideration for me. You don’t want to spoil your precious reputation. I mean, is that really what our relationship is to you? Ridiculous? How the hell do you think it made me feel, hearing you laughing at the thought of being with me with... with her?”
Dean kind of felt like he was going to throw up. “Cas, I just... I can’t...”
“I’m never going to be enough for you, am I?”
“What? Cas, how the fuck can you say that to me?”
“Because you can’t just... you know that what we have is better than anything you’ve had before. You know that no one is ever going to love you as much as I do. You know that. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough to make you man up and... and just own it instead of protecting your damn reputation! Today of all days, I just needed to know that someone wanted me. I just needed someone to want me, and...”
Dean took a step forward, desperate. “Cas, I... I wasn’t even thinking.”
Castiel shook his head, stepping away from him. “You never do, Dean. That’s the problem.”
“Cas...”
“No.” Castiel held up a hand, blocking him. “Just... no. Not now.” He laughed bitterly. “I suppose I should thank you for making it so easy to follow my uncle’s orders.”
Dean tried to grab him, hold him back, make him stop and listen, but Castiel pushed him away so roughly that he tripped and fell to the ground.
Cas towered over him, his eyes cold and furious. “Do you have any idea how sick I am of this? Of constantly trying to fix things? I am trying so damn hard, Dean, and it’s never enough for you. I’ll always be your dirty little secret, won’t I?”
“The hell, Cas?” Dean gasped. “That’s not even... You wanted it to be secret!”
“Ridiculous!” Castiel shouted. “That’s what you called it! A simple no would have sufficed, Dean! You laughed at it. I have given you everything you wanted from me. Everything. And this is what you give me in return? You don’t want to want me, do you? You don’t want any of this. It’s too complicated and messy and dangerous for you. You want a simple, apple pie life with someone like her, you want to be Mr All American, with a house and a pretty wife and pretty children, and you hate that you’ve fallen for me. You hate that you want me. You wish it was different. You might have feelings for me, but deep down you know you shouldn’t. You hate it. And that’s not... I’d rather not have you at all than have you be ashamed of it.”
“Cas...” Dean felt like all the air had been punched out of him.
“No. Just... just stay away from me, Dean.”
Dean watched as Castiel stalked away from him, feeling like the sky was caving in on him.
Once again, I've managed to write a ridiculously long chapter that needed to be split in two. The second half is here.