❧ sixth: writing woes
So I've been itching to write something for the past few months. Considering how I majored in English and had been more interested in creative writing, the fact that I haven't even written any kind of story, fanfic or original, is kind of sad. Kind of. I also haven't properly picked up a book since last summer, but I blame law school for both things.
Roleplay does not count, though it does help stem the need to really write (I think).
Regardless, it's been eating at me and I want to write something.
Problem is, whenever I look back at all my original stories and plotlines that I had started back during high school and college, I just cringe and start thinking they were all stupid or "So from that time." Like you know how there are some themes and character types that only fanfic writers would ever really invest in? Yeah, that.
So now I think that I should dump them all and try something different, but then I get into the problem of not being able to come up with anything that would be deemed to have any "literary merit."
And thus my eternal cursing of being an English major. Personally I always thought it sucked out all of my creativity because instead of just being able to freely write whatever, I have to be aware of all the modern conventions, what people think is actually "good writing" and not, and blah blah blah. I mean, yes there are some necessary restrictions and form, and there is definitely bad writing.
But I keep thinking that all my stuff would just fall into the bad writing, not good writing. That any fantasy story that I write would just be laughed at and not be taken seriously. That I should try writing more realistic based fiction instead.
I know that's stupid but...well I guess it's because I didn't really grow up in an environment where thinking fantasy was a good thing? I mean, my dad is always like, "Oh you want to write a novel? You should do something based on real events! Keep it realistic." He's thinking that it should be something that would be slated on the traditional "Fiction" shelf, not "Sci-Fi/Fantasy" shelf. So whenever I look at all my ideas I just...kind of shrink away.
Dad doesn't mean poorly, but he always thought the fantasy stuff was silly. Not just books, but movies and TV shows, too. It's not real. Just all in a dream land. It's how it he is, and in a lot of ways it's a very good thing.
Anyway...I don't know what to do. I really do want to write, but whenever my storylines and characters fall onto the fantasy spectrum I find myself stopping and trying to see if I could make it more comparable to the real world or something. And then I just lose all inspiration. And if I did continue forward, I'm afraid it would just sound like complete cheese and cliche so I just run away and don't bother with it.
It really, really sucks. The real answer is I should just not bother with those problems and work it out. But I seem to have a defeatist/run-away-from-problem attitude right now and it is very inhibiting. Very, very inhibiting. Especially when it carries over into more important aspects of my life.
Like making decisions to even apply for a job.
I hate it.
Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.
[ breathe. ]
Anyway, that's not the point of this entry.
I've actually started a few Soul Eater fanfictions. One was from last summer that I finally figured out how to deal with the third chapter of (what, law school ate me, okay) and another I finished one chapter of last night, actually. I'm actually kind of a little embarrassed because, ah ha ha ha....
I'm shy about my writing. Despite the multiple Dragon Knights fanfics I had written in the past, I am very shy about it now. Back then I didn't give a shit, but now? All I can think of how much I will be judged. I was even talking with Clark the other night about what I would do if he found my old fanfiction. I told him I would die and that he will never find them. Never. Having people I know online read my stuff is already a little weird, but someone I would be living with in the future? NO. He already had to read my poetry and short stories back when we took creative writing classes together. That was already unnerving enough. I just never feel like it's ever good enough or worth reading. That it's all childish and stupid and-and we spiral back to my underlying low self-confident problem, but the plus side about this situation is that it's online so it's really not as bad.
Until people I know from the fandom read it and then I cry in shame. FORGIVE ME EVERYONE. I'M SORRY IF I CAN'T PORTRAY THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT WELL I'M ONLY REALLY FAMILIAR WITH KID AND LIZ, SOB.
On the other hand, ff.net sucks and I cannot find the kind of stories I want. So, as another of (sometimes annoying) quirk, I just take it on myself to produce something. I really wish I understood why my otherwise shy self likes taking the lead on projects. It's like, if I can do this, why can't I do it in the real world and have more confidence!?
AUGH.
And now this entry is derailing and getting long, but tl;dr-I miss writing and I wish I wasn't a dumb, self-conscious person about it. (my icon really aptly reflects how I feel about it all)
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
Roleplay does not count, though it does help stem the need to really write (I think).
Regardless, it's been eating at me and I want to write something.
Problem is, whenever I look back at all my original stories and plotlines that I had started back during high school and college, I just cringe and start thinking they were all stupid or "So from that time." Like you know how there are some themes and character types that only fanfic writers would ever really invest in? Yeah, that.
So now I think that I should dump them all and try something different, but then I get into the problem of not being able to come up with anything that would be deemed to have any "literary merit."
And thus my eternal cursing of being an English major. Personally I always thought it sucked out all of my creativity because instead of just being able to freely write whatever, I have to be aware of all the modern conventions, what people think is actually "good writing" and not, and blah blah blah. I mean, yes there are some necessary restrictions and form, and there is definitely bad writing.
But I keep thinking that all my stuff would just fall into the bad writing, not good writing. That any fantasy story that I write would just be laughed at and not be taken seriously. That I should try writing more realistic based fiction instead.
I know that's stupid but...well I guess it's because I didn't really grow up in an environment where thinking fantasy was a good thing? I mean, my dad is always like, "Oh you want to write a novel? You should do something based on real events! Keep it realistic." He's thinking that it should be something that would be slated on the traditional "Fiction" shelf, not "Sci-Fi/Fantasy" shelf. So whenever I look at all my ideas I just...kind of shrink away.
Dad doesn't mean poorly, but he always thought the fantasy stuff was silly. Not just books, but movies and TV shows, too. It's not real. Just all in a dream land. It's how it he is, and in a lot of ways it's a very good thing.
Anyway...I don't know what to do. I really do want to write, but whenever my storylines and characters fall onto the fantasy spectrum I find myself stopping and trying to see if I could make it more comparable to the real world or something. And then I just lose all inspiration. And if I did continue forward, I'm afraid it would just sound like complete cheese and cliche so I just run away and don't bother with it.
It really, really sucks. The real answer is I should just not bother with those problems and work it out. But I seem to have a defeatist/run-away-from-problem attitude right now and it is very inhibiting. Very, very inhibiting. Especially when it carries over into more important aspects of my life.
Like making decisions to even apply for a job.
I hate it.
Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.
[ breathe. ]
Anyway, that's not the point of this entry.
I've actually started a few Soul Eater fanfictions. One was from last summer that I finally figured out how to deal with the third chapter of (what, law school ate me, okay) and another I finished one chapter of last night, actually. I'm actually kind of a little embarrassed because, ah ha ha ha....
I'm shy about my writing. Despite the multiple Dragon Knights fanfics I had written in the past, I am very shy about it now. Back then I didn't give a shit, but now? All I can think of how much I will be judged. I was even talking with Clark the other night about what I would do if he found my old fanfiction. I told him I would die and that he will never find them. Never. Having people I know online read my stuff is already a little weird, but someone I would be living with in the future? NO. He already had to read my poetry and short stories back when we took creative writing classes together. That was already unnerving enough. I just never feel like it's ever good enough or worth reading. That it's all childish and stupid and-and we spiral back to my underlying low self-confident problem, but the plus side about this situation is that it's online so it's really not as bad.
Until people I know from the fandom read it and then I cry in shame. FORGIVE ME EVERYONE. I'M SORRY IF I CAN'T PORTRAY THE OTHER CHARACTERS THAT WELL I'M ONLY REALLY FAMILIAR WITH KID AND LIZ, SOB.
On the other hand, ff.net sucks and I cannot find the kind of stories I want. So, as another of (sometimes annoying) quirk, I just take it on myself to produce something. I really wish I understood why my otherwise shy self likes taking the lead on projects. It's like, if I can do this, why can't I do it in the real world and have more confidence!?
AUGH.
And now this entry is derailing and getting long, but tl;dr-I miss writing and I wish I wasn't a dumb, self-conscious person about it. (my icon really aptly reflects how I feel about it all)
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.