Opportunities surround me
Welp, here I sit almost a year later from my last post and so much has shifted. I am about to graduate college, and open my private practice in counselling. I am also simultaneously single and living on my own, mulling through what this gets to mean for me. Two years ago I asked myself how I wanted to feel when I turned forty. It was a resounding, "I need to go back to school and I need to leave my partner." I did both of those things. I have been keeping myself so consumed by school that I didn't have time to grieve. Plus with my mom's health declining, my career evolution from full time relationship and somatic coaching (self-employment) to becoming an employee working in mental health, and internship over the last two years I was under a lot of pressure, and again so busy I didn't have the space to process my emotions. In fact, I found it hard this time last year to shed a tear, no less let myself bawl.
I'm experiencing emotions in waves. I can laugh about something my Mom said in one moment when we are speaking on the phone, and the next second I'm in tears about the same thing, or maybe something about me or our family she forgot. She has dementia and Alzheimer's, COPD, and is a stroke survivor. It's a lot to handle and each day with her there's changes. Bright moments and moments where it's noticeable she is declining.
I remind her I love her deeply. That nothing she could say or do will ever change how much I care for her. I'm glad she is in a home now. Somewhere where she is looked after, fed, can be social whenever she pleases, and where she is safer to move around at will.
I suppose the space to grieve is a gift. I'm trying to see it that way. I could do without the wild dreams and night terrors that wake me up in a state of panic, sore tummy, and anxiety. Leaning on friends is so necessary for me right now, and also, what a gift to realize how many friends I have.
I desire to change my relationship with my friends when I am in intimate partnership with another. Their love and the adventures we go on don't need to stop just because I'm "with" someone. The compulsive heteronormativity though. I need help to unlearn this.
What else is up for me? I am walking and ensuring I use my step counter. I can see that between using my electronic muscle stimulation machine, daily walks, lots of water, and upping my daily protein, that there's a big difference in how my body feels and looks. I eat nutrient dense foods like Athletic Greens, roast chicken, and simple green salads, smoothies, and Shakeology vegan protein powder. Between all of those things, I'm in really good shape. This is helping my mental state.
Steam room and sauna several times a week is helping me to fall asleep at night. The quality of sleep is so good when I come home after 90 minutes of steaming and sauna. I love it. Plus the social aspect is uplifting, too.
Anyhow, I cannot promise daily updates, but I won't leave it for another. =P
Tigah