What I Mean to Say Was...
So I'm going through a Thing. As I am wont to do, I'm feeling the urge to chronicle it.
Still not sure if I'm going to continue to do that HERE, but for lack of a better plan, here's what's up.
Start with the bones:
Thanks to the blessing of time I saw both of my darling children off to fulltime school this September. After that I had some Writerly Things to attend to, 2018 being my Fellowship year, something I took very seriously. So I powered through All the Things, and I'm quite proud of that, but it used up a shit ton of my personal energy. Also it made me come to terms with how sick I really am. I've gone into this elsewhere, don't really want to belabor it right now--sufice it to say I'm beat now, world. I gots to crawl back to my den and lick my limbs and my paws and howl at the moon until my strength comes back.
The thing is, this is not a bad thing AT ALL. This is, in fact, a wonderful thing, long in coming. I'm so tired. I've been carrying A LOT for years and it turns out that is Not Good for a Body. I really need this.
So if you were to ask me how I am, this is what I'll tell you: I am in a lot of pain right now, and I got a lot going on, but other than that I'm Remarkably Well.
It's because of an epiphany (godsbless her, Epiphany, a lifelong friend of mine). Keeping to the bones of THAT: it has to do with my parents, how the life choices they made have lead to where they are, which is kinda not great, so I don't want to make those same choices, only it's tricky because here I am with the same shitty disease that put my mother where SHE IS, only on an even faster course because isn't that just how this cookie crumbles? No one ever said life was fair, did they my friends?
But even though I have the kidney disease and on top of that I have my own sick and broken Body parts, I also get to be the author of my own story (Well. Up to a point) which means I don't HAVE to end up stuck in my own self-feeding cycle of disappointment. There are choices that I can make--things I can accept--and there are things that I can DO, even if "stop having these diseases or at least find out why I have them or even what they are" isn't one of the things.
So that's what this is about: me using the time I've been blessed with to make better choices, with the end goal of having lived the best possible life, regardless of how long that life ends up lasting. I hope (I really really hope) that it lasts for a good long time more--so toward that hope I will try to make the wise choices and do the healthy things and maybe even get better, stronger, fitter than I am. But even if I end up getting sicker instead and even if I end up dead long before I wanted to, I want to make the most of the time I've got.
One reason that I'm writing all of this is because, toward THAT goal, I need to be writing. I really, really do. But I've got hangups--serious and deepseeded hangups that have, in the past, stilled my pen hand and stifled my voice, and I don't want that to be the case this time. So while I'm figuring out what to say--about this, about anything--I want to also figure out how to let myself say it without letting myself get in my way. Clear as crystal, aye?
And holy shite, I got a lot to say. SO SO MUCH, y'all.
Which is why I can't die yet.
I mean, that, and my darling children. Kinda wanna be around for them, too.
Still not sure if I'm going to continue to do that HERE, but for lack of a better plan, here's what's up.
Start with the bones:
Thanks to the blessing of time I saw both of my darling children off to fulltime school this September. After that I had some Writerly Things to attend to, 2018 being my Fellowship year, something I took very seriously. So I powered through All the Things, and I'm quite proud of that, but it used up a shit ton of my personal energy. Also it made me come to terms with how sick I really am. I've gone into this elsewhere, don't really want to belabor it right now--sufice it to say I'm beat now, world. I gots to crawl back to my den and lick my limbs and my paws and howl at the moon until my strength comes back.
The thing is, this is not a bad thing AT ALL. This is, in fact, a wonderful thing, long in coming. I'm so tired. I've been carrying A LOT for years and it turns out that is Not Good for a Body. I really need this.
So if you were to ask me how I am, this is what I'll tell you: I am in a lot of pain right now, and I got a lot going on, but other than that I'm Remarkably Well.
It's because of an epiphany (godsbless her, Epiphany, a lifelong friend of mine). Keeping to the bones of THAT: it has to do with my parents, how the life choices they made have lead to where they are, which is kinda not great, so I don't want to make those same choices, only it's tricky because here I am with the same shitty disease that put my mother where SHE IS, only on an even faster course because isn't that just how this cookie crumbles? No one ever said life was fair, did they my friends?
But even though I have the kidney disease and on top of that I have my own sick and broken Body parts, I also get to be the author of my own story (Well. Up to a point) which means I don't HAVE to end up stuck in my own self-feeding cycle of disappointment. There are choices that I can make--things I can accept--and there are things that I can DO, even if "stop having these diseases or at least find out why I have them or even what they are" isn't one of the things.
So that's what this is about: me using the time I've been blessed with to make better choices, with the end goal of having lived the best possible life, regardless of how long that life ends up lasting. I hope (I really really hope) that it lasts for a good long time more--so toward that hope I will try to make the wise choices and do the healthy things and maybe even get better, stronger, fitter than I am. But even if I end up getting sicker instead and even if I end up dead long before I wanted to, I want to make the most of the time I've got.
One reason that I'm writing all of this is because, toward THAT goal, I need to be writing. I really, really do. But I've got hangups--serious and deepseeded hangups that have, in the past, stilled my pen hand and stifled my voice, and I don't want that to be the case this time. So while I'm figuring out what to say--about this, about anything--I want to also figure out how to let myself say it without letting myself get in my way. Clear as crystal, aye?
And holy shite, I got a lot to say. SO SO MUCH, y'all.
Which is why I can't die yet.
I mean, that, and my darling children. Kinda wanna be around for them, too.