it was easier when I could just carry him in a pouch
The Kinglet and I are at a crossroads.
His behavior lately has been very bad. And i mean very bad - he is defiant, argumentative, and quick to anger - all the little red streaks in his personality are becoming his dominant traits.
His father and I are doing the best we can to turn him around. We don't give in to demands, we impose limits, all of that. He's not horrible all the time, and we get past things - but it gets to you when your kid acts like a little shit-head.
I know that all kids go through horrible phases. I also know that some of this is just Who He Is - I'm pretty sure he has the same emotional disposition that led to my depressive disorder and my brother's schizoprhenic hyper-rage, and my job is to help him find better ways to deal with his emotions than our parents ever did.
But I also wonder how much of it is him acting out because of something I'm doing - or not doing. I wonder if this is his way of saying "Mommy, I need more of you than you are giving."
We've been playing tug-of-war for Mommy's attention for a long, long time now. I thought that it would get better when I retired, but it hasn't really. Then I thought that I just needed to break the habits that I developed as a working Mom, the "gotta get it done, get it done, get it done" mentality that was stealing face-time from my kid. But now I'm starting to wonder if the tendency to wander off to work on a project or wash a dish or write a page is just Who I Am.
Especially the write a page part.
Maybe the fact that I'd rather work on my novel than sit on the floor and play Candy Land just means that I'm a writer, not a three-year-old. And I can't decide if that makes me a bad parent, or a normal one.
The God-King believes that we (I) should be the Kinglet's play mate. I've been trying, but... I *feel* like I'd rather be his Mom.
Just to clarify - it's not that I don't spend one-one-one time with the Kinglet. On the contrary, he is my constant companion, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm talking about on-the-floor-playing-with-kid-toys time.
And it isn't that I don't spend ANY time down on the floor. It's more that I tend not to do it On Demand. And I can't seem to do it consistently, either. The part of the day that is supposed to be put aside for full-on Kinglet play time keeps getting preempted by other things, like "Oh, we have to go to the store today" or "Oh, we're going to visit so-and-so". And I realize that this is me breaking a promise to the boy, even if it's one that he doesn't really understand. And I feel badly.
But on the other hand, I feel like the natural relationship is for him to come along with ME, not the other way around. And even if that's just me justifying, it feels like that's the choice I'm leaning towards, nonetheless.
For the first time in our lives together I am finding myself making a choice that isn't necessarily in his best interest.
His behavior lately has been very bad. And i mean very bad - he is defiant, argumentative, and quick to anger - all the little red streaks in his personality are becoming his dominant traits.
His father and I are doing the best we can to turn him around. We don't give in to demands, we impose limits, all of that. He's not horrible all the time, and we get past things - but it gets to you when your kid acts like a little shit-head.
I know that all kids go through horrible phases. I also know that some of this is just Who He Is - I'm pretty sure he has the same emotional disposition that led to my depressive disorder and my brother's schizoprhenic hyper-rage, and my job is to help him find better ways to deal with his emotions than our parents ever did.
But I also wonder how much of it is him acting out because of something I'm doing - or not doing. I wonder if this is his way of saying "Mommy, I need more of you than you are giving."
We've been playing tug-of-war for Mommy's attention for a long, long time now. I thought that it would get better when I retired, but it hasn't really. Then I thought that I just needed to break the habits that I developed as a working Mom, the "gotta get it done, get it done, get it done" mentality that was stealing face-time from my kid. But now I'm starting to wonder if the tendency to wander off to work on a project or wash a dish or write a page is just Who I Am.
Especially the write a page part.
Maybe the fact that I'd rather work on my novel than sit on the floor and play Candy Land just means that I'm a writer, not a three-year-old. And I can't decide if that makes me a bad parent, or a normal one.
The God-King believes that we (I) should be the Kinglet's play mate. I've been trying, but... I *feel* like I'd rather be his Mom.
Just to clarify - it's not that I don't spend one-one-one time with the Kinglet. On the contrary, he is my constant companion, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm talking about on-the-floor-playing-with-kid-toys time.
And it isn't that I don't spend ANY time down on the floor. It's more that I tend not to do it On Demand. And I can't seem to do it consistently, either. The part of the day that is supposed to be put aside for full-on Kinglet play time keeps getting preempted by other things, like "Oh, we have to go to the store today" or "Oh, we're going to visit so-and-so". And I realize that this is me breaking a promise to the boy, even if it's one that he doesn't really understand. And I feel badly.
But on the other hand, I feel like the natural relationship is for him to come along with ME, not the other way around. And even if that's just me justifying, it feels like that's the choice I'm leaning towards, nonetheless.
For the first time in our lives together I am finding myself making a choice that isn't necessarily in his best interest.